Chapter 14., Section 7. Building and Sustaining Relationships — Main Section | Community Tool Box

What is relationship building all about?

Relationships are fundamental to community organizing and community change. People and organizations rarely accomplish complex community work in isolation. They exchange knowledge, coordinate resources, make decisions, solve problems, respond to crises, and carry out work together.

Strong relationships are more than a means for getting people to support a particular project. They can help create trust, shared understanding, mutual accountability, and stronger community capacity over time.

Community relationships may involve coworkers, residents, volunteers, participants, partner organizations, public agencies, businesses, funders, elected officials, advocates, researchers, and people who disagree with your organization's position.

These relationships will not all look the same. Some may become friendships. Others remain professional partnerships, working relationships, advisory relationships, or occasional points of contact.

Community leaders do not need to be especially charismatic, outgoing, or socially gifted. Relationship building depends more on respect, reliability, listening, curiosity, appropriate communication, and follow-through.

This section discusses why relationships matter, when to invest in them, how to build relationships across different roles and communities, and how to maintain or appropriately end them.

Why do we need to build and sustain relationships?

Consider a simple example.

Organizing a neighborhood event

Suppose residents want to organize a neighborhood event.

Several kinds of relationships may matter:

• Residents can help decide what kind of event would actually be useful and appealing.
• A neighborhood association or community organization may provide planning support.
• Local government staff can explain permits, street closures, park rules, accessibility requirements, or other official procedures.
• Businesses or organizations may choose to contribute supplies, services, or space.
• Community members can help communicate information through different networks and languages.
• People with accessibility, transportation, caregiving, or other needs can help planners identify barriers before the event occurs.

The event becomes easier to organize when people understand one another's roles, communicate reliably, and can work together.

Fundamental reasons to build relationships

• Relationships help people understand one another. Direct contact can reveal knowledge, priorities, concerns, and experiences that would otherwise remain outside the planning process.
• Relationships support coordination. Community problems often require people and organizations with different responsibilities to work together.
• Relationships can support trustworthiness. People learn whether others keep commitments, communicate honestly, protect appropriate confidentiality, and respond when problems arise.
• Relationships connect community assets. One person or organization may have knowledge, resources, relationships, authority, or experience that complements what another has.
• Relationships can strengthen belonging and resilience. People often benefit from knowing that they are part of a network in which responsibility and support are shared.

What kinds of relationships are we talking about?

Community work involves many types of relationships.

You may have a brief but respectful relationship with a crossing guard you see regularly, a long-term partnership with a neighborhood organization, a supervisory relationship with an employee, a working relationship with a public official, or an ongoing disagreement with an organization whose goals conflict with yours.

Each relationship has different expectations and boundaries.

A useful community relationship does not always have to become a close personal friendship.

Consider:

• What is the purpose of the relationship?
• What responsibilities does each person or organization have?
• What information should or should not be shared?
• Are there important differences in authority or power?
• What level of contact is useful and sustainable?

Think in terms of networks, not one person at the center

Community relationships form networks.

Residents may know one another. Organizations may share participants, staff, funders, or projects. Public agencies may coordinate with nonprofits and businesses. Informal leaders may connect groups that otherwise rarely communicate.

Strong community capacity does not depend on one person maintaining every important relationship.

Encourage connections across the network so information and collaboration can continue when particular leaders change roles or leave.

Build relationships with integrity. Don't approach people primarily because you hope they will eventually donate money, provide political access, join your organization, or perform work for you.

A relationship may still produce useful opportunities, but those should develop through mutual interests and transparent communication rather than hidden expectations.

When do you build and sustain relationships?

Relationship building is an ongoing part of community work, but that does not mean leaders need to socialize constantly or maintain personal closeness with everyone.

Appropriate contact depends on the relationship.

You may need:

• Regular supervision with an employee
• Periodic meetings with a partner organization
• Occasional communication with a public official
• Frequent coordination during a joint project
• A way for community members to reach the organization when concerns arise

Build enough time for relationship development into project planning. Trust and effective coordination rarely appear simply because organizations sign an agreement or attend one meeting together.

Relationships are part of the groundwork

Large or complicated projects often depend on relationships developed before implementation.

If several organizations are considering a joint initiative, begin by learning about:

• Each organization's goals
• Previous experiences working together
• Community history
• Responsibilities and decision authority
• Available resources
• Areas of agreement and disagreement

An appropriately scoped shared project can sometimes help partners learn how they work together before taking on a larger effort.

But if participants express concern about a proposed collaboration, don't assume the problem is simply insufficient trust.

Ask whether the concern involves:

• Unclear goals
• Previous broken commitments
• Unequal power
• Workload
• Funding
• Community impact
• Organizational capacity
• A genuine disagreement about the proposal

Build relationships before crises when possible

Existing relationships can improve communication and coordination when a crisis occurs.

Know the organizations, public agencies, community networks, and people whose responsibilities may become important during emergencies or periods of rapid change.

Relationships can also develop during a crisis

New partnerships sometimes form when people respond to an urgent problem together.

During a crisis, however, the immediate priorities should be safety, accurate information, clear roles, and meeting community needs.

Do not treat an emergency primarily as an opportunity to expand your network.

Afterward, review what relationships were useful and whether continued coordination would benefit the community.

How do you build relationships?

There is no universal formula. People differ in communication style, culture, personality, professional role, boundaries, and interest in social connection.

The following principles can help.

1. Be respectful and approachable. Courtesy and reliability matter more than trying to appear especially charming or socially impressive.
2. Ask relevant questions and listen. Be curious about people's knowledge and perspectives without treating conversation as a way to extract personal information.
3. Share appropriately. Explain your own role, interests, and concerns when useful. Trust does not require sharing private information.
4. Spend time where the work and community relationships actually occur. This might include meetings, community events, workplaces, neighborhood spaces, online forums, or other appropriate settings.
5. Respect differences. People do not have to agree with you or share your communication style in order to have a productive relationship.
6. Respect boundaries. Don't assume another person wants friendship, personal disclosure, frequent contact, or continued outreach.
7. Accept that some outreach will not lead to a relationship. A person or organization may decline involvement for many legitimate reasons.
8. Demonstrate trustworthiness over time. Keep commitments, communicate honestly, acknowledge mistakes, and protect appropriate confidentiality.
9. Invite rather than pressure. Explain opportunities clearly and allow people to decide whether they want to participate.
10. Make participation accessible. Consider language, disability access, schedules, transportation, technology, caregiving, and other barriers.
11. Connect people with one another. Strong communities depend on networks rather than on everyone having to work through one leader.

How do you build relationships with people from cultural backgrounds different from your own?

Cultural humility is more useful than assuming you can become an expert on another person's culture.

Every community contains variation. Culture may interact with language, generation, disability, religion, profession, geography, immigration history, family experience, and many other parts of people's lives.

Useful practices include:

• Learn about relevant community history and context
• Ask people how they prefer to communicate and participate
• Use appropriate language access and interpretation
• Recognize differences within groups rather than treating any community as uniform
• Examine your own assumptions
• Build sustained relationships rather than relying on occasional cultural events
• Follow the leadership and knowledge of people directly affected by an issue
• Challenge discriminatory practices and barriers within your own sphere of responsibility

Mistakes can happen. Good intentions do not eliminate their impact.

When you make a mistake, listen, acknowledge it, apologize where appropriate, repair what you can, and change your behavior.

How do you build relationships with people who hold political or institutional power?

Elected officials, agency leaders, business leaders, funders, and heads of large organizations may control decisions or resources that affect community work.

Build these relationships professionally and transparently.

• Understand the person's role and authority.
• Learn the appropriate process for meetings, requests, advocacy, or public comment.
• Bring accurate information and explain community concerns clearly.
• Listen to the responsibilities and constraints associated with their role.
• Follow applicable ethics, lobbying, procurement, conflict-of-interest, and public-record requirements.
• Do not assume personal friendship should provide special access or treatment.

Productive professional relationships can exist even when you disagree strongly about policy or priorities.

How do you sustain relationships?

Relationships change over time. Some deepen, some remain limited to a specific project, and some appropriately end.

Several practices can help sustain relationships that continue to serve a useful purpose.

• Communicate at an appropriate cadence. Check in often enough to coordinate the work without assuming everyone wants frequent informal contact.
• Communicate openly about the work. Discuss expectations, concerns, changes, and disagreements before confusion grows.
• Show genuine appreciation. Give specific credit and acknowledgment rather than using appreciation to create obligation.
• Follow through. Reliability is one of the strongest foundations of trust.
• Help when appropriate. Support partners and coworkers when you reasonably can, without creating an expectation of repayment.
• Respect boundaries and workload. Don't make one person's willingness to help the solution to chronic staffing or organizational problems.
• Offer development opportunities rather than pressure. People may welcome new responsibilities, but they should be able to decline them.
• Support accountability as well as loyalty. Standing by someone does not mean concealing misconduct, ignoring harm, or refusing to challenge a poor decision.

Create psychological safety in working relationships

Strong professional and community relationships allow people to communicate difficult information.

People should be able to:

• Ask questions
• Admit mistakes
• Ask for help
• Raise concerns
• Offer a different interpretation
• Disagree respectfully

Respond constructively when people bring information you do not want to hear.

Psychological safety does not require agreement or eliminate accountability. It means people do not face unnecessary humiliation or retaliation for speaking honestly.

When relationships get difficult

Disagreement and tension occur in many relationships.

Conflict does not automatically mean a relationship must end, but conflict should not be romanticized as something people need in order to become closer.

When a working relationship becomes difficult:

• Listen carefully. Give each person an opportunity to explain how they understand the situation.
• Clarify the actual disagreement. Is it about facts, priorities, authority, workload, behavior, resources, values, or something else?
• Consider the other person's perspective. Understanding does not require agreement.
• Examine what is accurate in the criticism. Correct your behavior or the situation where appropriate.
• Apologize when warranted. A useful apology acknowledges the specific harm or mistake rather than simply trying to end the dispute.
• Take emotions seriously without letting them control conduct. Anger, frustration, disappointment, or fear may reveal what is important, but they do not justify threats, insults, or retaliation.
• Communicate specifically. Describe behavior, decisions, consequences, and needs rather than attacking character.
• Use facilitation or mediation where appropriate. A neutral third party may help when direct discussion has stalled.
• Know when another process is required. Harassment, discrimination, abuse, threats, safeguarding issues, fraud, or other serious misconduct may require formal reporting or investigation rather than relationship repair.

Know when a relationship should change or end

Previous time and effort do not by themselves justify continuing a relationship.

It may be appropriate to reduce contact, change roles, end a partnership, or use formal boundaries when:

• The relationship is consistently harmful
• Commitments are repeatedly broken
• Trust cannot reasonably be restored
• The work no longer requires the relationship
• Organizational priorities have changed
• Safety is at risk
• Serious misconduct has occurred

One person can improve their own conduct, but no one can repair a relationship alone if the other party is unwilling or unable to participate.

Relationships with people or organizations that disagree with you

Community work often involves people whose interests, values, strategies, or positions conflict with yours.

A respectful working relationship may still be possible.

Depending on the situation, you might:

• Maintain direct professional communication
• Identify areas of legitimate shared interest
• Establish clear boundaries around areas of disagreement
• Use a facilitated dialogue
• Negotiate a limited agreement
• Coordinate on an issue where your interests align while continuing to disagree elsewhere

Don't assume that every disagreement should be resolved through relationship building.

Some conflicts involve incompatible responsibilities, serious misconduct, legal rights, safety, or issues that require formal decisions.

Protect privacy and appropriate boundaries

Strong relationships do not require unlimited access to people's personal lives.

Leaders should:

• Collect only personal information that is actually needed
• Respect confidentiality
• Avoid pressuring people to disclose private experiences
• Maintain appropriate professional boundaries with employees, participants, students, clients, and others
• Be clear when a relationship involves both personal and organizational roles

Evaluate the health of important partnerships

Periodically review significant organizational relationships.

Ask:

• Are responsibilities clear?
• Are commitments being kept?
• Is communication working?
• Are resources and workload reasonably distributed?
• Can people raise concerns safely?
• Are important decisions transparent to the people who need to understand them?
• Is the relationship creating mutual value?
• Are power differences being handled responsibly?
• Does the relationship still serve the community or organizational purpose for which it exists?

In Summary

Relationships remain at the heart of community organizing because community work depends on people and organizations being able to communicate, coordinate, exchange knowledge, share responsibility, and act together.

Strong relationships are not simply tools for gaining allies, obtaining favors, or persuading people to support an agenda. They are built through respect, reliability, listening, mutual value, transparency, appropriate sharing of power, and follow-through.

Community leaders should build relationships across different organizations, roles, communities, and perspectives while respecting boundaries and recognizing that not every useful relationship needs to become a friendship.

Cultural humility, accessibility, psychological safety, privacy, and attention to power differences are important parts of relationship building. Leaders should also make it possible for people to disagree, raise concerns, and correct mistakes without unnecessary humiliation or retaliation.

Relationships require maintenance, but they do not need to continue indefinitely. Some relationships change, some end, and some conflicts require formal processes rather than personal repair.

Finally, communities are stronger when relationships form a broad network rather than depending on one central leader. Sustainable community work connects people with one another so trust, knowledge, responsibility, and collaborative capacity can continue even as individual leaders and organizations change.