Chapter 28. Spirituality and Community Building | Community Tool Box

This and other sections in the Tool Box chapter on Spirituality and Community Building (Chapter 28) have been written with the support and contributions of experts connected with the Charter for Compassion. For more information about the Charter and its work, visit www.charterforcompassion.org.

Spiritual qualities, such as compassion and justice, are often directly connected with the work of community building. In this chapter, we hope to examine those qualities, or assets, to show how they have been used in practice, and how you can use them for greater effectiveness in your own community-building work.

“Spirituality” refers to the qualities that inspire us to do what is right and good – for ourselves and for others. This chapter is about those qualities—and their application   in one’s personal, professional, and community life.

We begin by providing some general rationale and background:

Rationale. As many users know, a main goal of the Community Tool Box is to help all of us become more effective in our community work, leading to more benefits and better outcomes for people.

To do so, most sections in the Tool Box deal with what might be called practical skills or techniques, with guidance for specific action steps one might take in doing the work of community building. Examples are found throughout our Table of Contents – assessing needs, forming plans, training volunteers, evaluating results, just to mention a few.

And those skills, broadly defined – those actions and tasks – are essential to the work of community building. To build strong communities – to build most anything else: a house, a program, a change in policy – requires taking specific actions in the world.

Yet becoming more effective in the community takes more than skill alone. Even with practice and proficiency, skills by themselves are not sufficient. Here is why:

The role of personal qualities.

Community action requires not just skill, but a person using the skill. Community effectiveness also depends on what the actor brings to the situation: the inner dimension of community change.

What are some examples of those qualities? They might be expressed in the enthusiasm the person conveys, or through a warm and supportive comment, or by a willingness to shrug off a temporary setback, or by extending oneself to offer a particularly thoughtful kindness.

These are not skills, in the same way that writing a funding proposal or forming a coalition is a skill. The focus here is more on the “spirit” of the actor or change agent – the spirit one brings, for example, to encouraging others to participate, or advocating for a cause. It goes beyond technique, seeming to come from within. It may at first seem intangible, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to understand, capture, and utilize it. For such spirit is nevertheless present, and it can have a powerful impact upon the work.

And that is our focus in this Tool Box section and chapter.

Spiritual qualities and assets. In this chapter, our aim is to emphasize a certain subset of qualities or assets, and to explore their relationship to community building. Here we give them the label of “spiritual” assets, and we emphasize them because we think they are among the most important for community building.

“Spiritual assets” refer to qualities that enable us to do what is right and good – for ourselves and for others. It can be seen in what we say and do – our acts of compassion, mercy, justice, and other similar ways of being in world.

There are many such assets, but in this chapter we will focus on some that are particularly important to community building:

• Being Charitable toward Others
• Being Compassionate
• Forgiveness and Reconciliation
• Appreciation and Gratitude
• Spreading Hope
• Sharing Hospitality
• Practicing Humility
• Advocating for Justice
• Patience: Enduring Trials
• Showing Tolerance and Acceptance

And we will devote separate Tool Box sections, which follow this Overview, to each of these.

Plan for this Overview section. Our plan and our format in this Overview section are similar to that of other Community Tool Box sections:

• First, to clarify, and to provide a working definition, of what we mean by spiritual assets.
• Then to describe in general terms why they are important, and how they can be used for community building
• To indicate some particularly favorable conditions for their use
• To mention some areas of community life where spiritual assets might be particularly significant, together with some specific examples of application
• To suggest how these assets might be developed and applied
• To indicate some general challenges, issues, and questions that may occur in applying spiritual assets in practice.

And finally, to introduce the remaining sections in the chapter, each of which considers a particular spiritual asset and how it might be used in one’s own community building work.

What Is Meant by “Spiritual”?

Spiritual assets, such as compassion and forgiveness, are widely valued qualities found in every culture and community. Although acknowledged in virtually every religious tradition, they are not the province of a particular religion, denomination, or sect. They can be seen in people who do – and do not – believe in a higher power or God.

“Spirituality” refers to the qualities that inspire us to do what is right and good – for ourselves and for others. It may involve experiencing those larger forces, especially the connections we have with other beings and our interrelatedness with them. And it also involves applying those qualities in one’s personal, professional, and community life.

Our intent is simply to show how spiritual assets can be used in community building to create more desired outcomes and a better world. We want to highlight the potential value of applying spiritual assets, and offer some suggestions for use of those assets in community building work. We respect the role that many different wisdom traditions have in fostering spirituality, but our primary aim here is the practical task of community building.

How Can Spiritual Assets Facilitate Community Building?

To reiterate the main point of this chapter and section, we believe that certain personal qualities of the change agent or actor – what we call here spiritual assets – can lead to more effective community building and community life in general.

Why might this be so?

It seems plausible that certain types of spiritual assets would facilitate community building more than others. Consider the person who finds it hard to perceive the distress or suffering of others; or who perceives it but is indifferent to it; or who may feel pity about others’ distress but for one reason or another does not act to relieve it. That will not facilitate community building. Similarly, someone one who is insensitive to the feelings of others, or who finds it difficult to form relationships with others, or to trust others; who dislikes or castigates certain groups of people – those kinds of qualities, when prevalent in the larger group, will also make it more difficult to build strong communities.

Conversely, when community members are aware of the needs, beliefs, and emotions of others; when they take pleasure in their interactions with them; when they are disposed to seek out and value connections with others; when they feel common bonds with them and are motivated to maintain them – those personal qualities – call them spiritual assets – are likely to facilitate community building.

Here are two illustrations:

Appreciation (Gratitude). When you walk outside in your neighborhood or community, and make contact with those passing by (even with people you hardly know, or don’t know at all), that conveys acknowledgement and appreciation of the other person. You might simply smile or wave hello, and what you say or do might take scarcely a second. But even those small encounters, multiplied over people and time, create a sense of belonging and of being respected; they add up; they have a cumulative effect.

 If you meet someone you do know, you might chat for a moment, and if it’s appropriate take the opportunity to compliment them on some accomplishment, or express happiness over a fortunate event, or wish them well in a new school, a new job, or for a growing family. All of these small actions also show appreciation and caring. They add up as well.

Tolerance and Acceptance. Spiritual assets can be expressed on a community level too. For example, a town’s philosophy might be set down on its local government website, or in its vision or mission statements, or planning documents. It might include statements such as:

“We welcome people of all backgrounds and beliefs.”

“We will be known as a community where people respect and value one another.”

“We are a community whose members care about each other and are ready to lend a helping hand.”

Each of these statements reflects the spiritual assets of tolerance and acceptance, perhaps others as well.

A community’s philosophy and guiding values might also be transmitted in its policies and procedures, in its logos and visual portrayals, in its hiring practices, in its orientation and training of employees, and in the daily programs it operates. With repeated exposure, these expressions may come to affect the well-being of community members, whether directly or indirectly. They become woven into the community’s culture, which gradually but perceptibly may begin to influence residents and their behavior.

When spiritual assets such as appreciation and tolerance are expressed, they may not only have value in themselves; they may also be a model or example for others in how to behave in a way that is valued by the community. They tend to spread. Greeting one’s neighbor may encourage that neighbor to greet others in turn. Promoting community tolerance may lead to more actual expressions of tolerance, which may result in better relationships among those involved. Those effects may not always happen, and they may be small, but they accumulate over time.

Are these examples of spiritual assets? We believe they are. They are consistent with the working definition we proposed earlier in this section. They illustrate concern for our relationships with other people, and for our connections with other groups, both of which we see as fundamental to healthy communities. They are also, we believe, attuned to the larger forces guiding community life.

But does this make them spiritual? What is spiritual about them? You may choose to label these assets “values” or “virtues,” or simply “qualities,” or something else altogether. But while we are comfortable with the term “spiritual,” the key point is not the labels given. The key point instead is that these assets, by whatever name is given to them, have significant and positive effects upon community life, and so should be cultivated and nurtured in community situations when possible.

What Conditions Are Most Favorable for the Expression of Spiritual Assets?

We cannot easily think of situations where it would be undesirable to express the spiritual assets we have been discussing. In that sense, all conditions are favorable. But there may be some situations when spiritual expression may be especially desirable or needed, and these might include:

• When a disaster or adverse community event has occurred. This might be a disease outbreak or a weather or environmental event such as a fire, explosion, hurricane, or toxic spill. Or it could be an event initiated by community members, such as violence committed upon another person.
• When a clear injustice has been committed, such as overt discrimination, hate crime, or obvious violation of basic human rights.
• When prevailing attitudes in the community are pessimistic or cynical, or even despairing or hopeless, and when such attitudes prevent or impede corrective action.
• When spiritual leadership in the community appears weak or absent. Much of the time such leadership exists in a community, and is widely known and on display. But if that’s not the case, and when a spiritual vacuum seems to exist, it may be time for other community members to rise to the occasion.

Perhaps, on reflection, you can add other conditions to this list.

How Spiritual Assets Can Be Used

The spiritual qualities we have been discussing can be utilized and applied on multiple levels – among individuals and families, small groups and organizations, neighborhoods and villages, and full communities and societies. Expressions at all levels are valuable and can be encouraged, for each reinforces the other.

Compassion is one example: This spiritual asset can be expressed on an individual level, multiplied by many people, many occasions, and many time frames. When this is so, it can gradually affect the nature of the community and its quality of community life. A community that engages in more behaviors related to compassion is more likely to affect all those living within it – the community actions set standards or norms that individual residents tend to follow. A community culture of caring for one another is created.

To put it differently, the expression of spiritual assets is multi-level; and also interactive, bi-directional, and mutually reinforcing, as illustrated in this simplest of diagrams:

 

In our discussion, we will give separate attention to spiritual expression on the individual and family, and organizational and community, levels.                               

On an individual and family level. The expression of spiritual qualities on an individual and family level relates to the small interactions and transactions of daily life. Simply living in a family or community setting gives us countless opportunities to act spiritually. And it is possible to take advantage of multiple opportunities that naturally come one’s way.

Earlier we offered examples relating to appreciation, tolerance, acceptance, and compassion. A few others might be:

• Advocating for justice. Speaking out, instead of remaining silent, when a family or community member’s rights have been violated.
• Practicing humility. Deflecting attention away from oneself, to the larger issues at hand; making sure proper credit for accomplishment is shared with others.
• Sharing hospitality. Offering hospitality to a neighbor, an acquaintance, or even a stranger who is in distress or has an obvious need.

Using a different example, that of forgiveness, we can realize how the expression of spiritual qualities can have multiple, echoing, and sustained effects. (Keeping in mind that in daily life forgiveness often involves relatively minor occurrences of doing and not doing – an insensitive remark, a broken object, a missed opportunity to contribute.)

The act of forgiveness may have spiritual merit in and of itself. But beyond that, from a practical community-building standpoint, when we forgive:

• The relationship between the people involved may be restored or strengthened.
• A burden of guilt, and sometimes shame, is often lifted from the person who committed the offense.
• Since negative emotional energy is now released, more energy now becomes available to engage in more socially constructive activities.
• The person forgiven, having observed forgiveness being modeled by others, may now be more likely to forgive others in turn. Forgiving actions are reciprocated.
• The person doing the forgiving, having seen the positive results of that action, may also be more likely to forgive in the future.

A similar analysis may apply to the expression of other spiritual qualities, especially regarding strengthening relationships and passing it forward.

On an organizational and community level. Spiritual assets can also be expressed on a larger scale or level, beyond the single individual. How can this be done? Suppose we focus on the organizational or community level as a case in point. Here are some ways:

• Vision statements. A community organization, or an entire community, can express spiritual qualities through forming and communicating a written vision of what that organization or community should be like, and how we should relate to one another. For example, “Health for All” communicates the values of equity and fairness.
• Mission statements. The same applies to organizational or community mission statements. For example, “Promoting Inclusive Communities” communicates the spiritual qualities of tolerance and acceptance.
• Value statements, of what the organization or community regards as most important, written and expressed in everyday practice. For instance, when the stated values of justice, mercy, or reconciliation are expressed within an advocacy, health, or service organization.
• Planning documents, or other written plans and communications, which may also include goals and objectives
• Organizational policies and procedures
• Programs for orienting new staff or training current staff
• Daily program operations
• Promotional materials for the organization or community, logos, visual depictions, and other symbolic materials
• Evaluation of organizational or community programs, through the measurement of indicators relating to spiritual assets; for instance, the measurement of inequities in health or educational outcomes consistent with the value of justice.

Expression in different community sectors and settings. Spiritual assets can be applied within an array of community settings and contexts including in government, education, health care, workplaces, human services, criminal justice, the arts, media, and religious other non-governmental organizations.

Some Examples of Spiritual Assets in Practice

For each of the spiritual assets described in this chapter, there are many possible applications in daily community life. You will find many of these examples within the different Tool Box sections fin this chapter. But to give some illustrations of what we’re talking about, we offer a few actual examples of use, with each followed by some reflective questions regarding some of the potential issues involved in broader application.

Hospitality. A village or neighborhood group makes it a practice to welcome all new neighbors by bring food or flowers. A group representative arrives unannounced at the door, an offering in hand, greets the new neighbor, and says “Welcome. We know you have just moved here, and on behalf of our community we want to greet you. We hope you and your family have a wonderful time living here. If there are any ways we can be of help, here is some information on our community. Just give us a call.”

* Is that form of welcoming and hospitality valuable for community building? If so, could it be (and should it be) extended to other new-neighbor situations? If so, why isn’t it? What are the barriers? And are there times when this would not be a good practice?

Gratitude. A community-building program focuses on the more positive aspects of human nature; one topic in the curriculum is gratitude. As part of the program, the leader holds a “gratitude night,” where each participant is encouraged to bring to the group ca person that he or she feels grateful toward – it could be a parent, partner, friend, community member, anyone at all – and to express that gratitude in front of the full group.

In a similar exercise, students in middle or secondary schools are sometimes asked to keep “gratitude diaries,” where they write down the experiences they are grateful for each day.

* Are gratitude diaries and gratitude nights good ideas? Should they be extended to the broader community? Both of the above are formal and highly structured activities; are there similar but less formal ways to encourage the expression of gratitude? What might be some smaller ways of expressing gratitude in everyday life? And how could those be more easily become part of the fabric of our society?

Being Charitable toward Others. At the market, one customer places a donation for families in need, without knowing who exactly will benefit. The next customer in turn makes a donation, and on down the line. This chain goes on for many people before it is broken. A young person aids an older adult in getting across the street.

* Are these types of behaviors always to be encouraged? Should we be emphasizing acts of charity, generosity, or kindness that are not random or transitory, but rather focused and consistent? Beyond that, how far should charity properly extend? And how can the limits be properly determined?

Justice. A young person commits a potentially criminal offense. Instead of school discipline, court proceedings, or other conventional punishment, the person responsible for the harm appears before a panel of peers, together with the person who was harmed; an arrangement to repay or give restitution to the injured person – to make it right – is negotiated, agreed to, and fulfilled.

Instead of trial and conviction, or segregation from others, the concept here is to encourage face-to-face exchange between the person who was responsible for the injury and the person harmed. The general intent is to promote some form of reconciliation or healing.

* Is this type of justice-seeking morally legitimate, or at least justifiable? And is it effective, in practical terms? And how broadly should this concept be applied -- for example, to other transgressions? What are the limits to this type of approach, if any – both in terms of eligibility for the approach, and of practical application?

 Compassion. At an educational institution known for the value it places on compassion, adult students receive instruction on compassion and on compassionate acts in practice. Instruction is based in large part on the Buddhist practice of visualizing the sending of loving feelings and kindness to others. The program’s description communicates that “participants can learn to strengthen the muscle of the heart.”

As an example, a retired teacher who participated in the program reported: “I spent a lot of time talking with my students about the ‘problem’ of poverty, but I just didn’t feel the suffering. If I had taken this course earlier, I think I would have been a better teacher. Poverty isn’t just a term you can pass over and move on. I’m now able to draw it in and feel the pain.”

* Is it possible to develop compassion by an actual training program? Or is compassion a quality that you either have or do not have? Are some people naturally more compassionate than others? Can you teach any person who may not be naturally compassionate to be more so through training? If so, would this be a wise thing to do?

The questions following the examples above are not necessarily easy to answer; but we believe to some degree they are inherent in practical application. They raise natural questions about the possible limits of the expression of spiritual assets, limits beyond which one might not reasonably go.

Spiritual expression may be desirable on both individual and community levels – and worthy of active encouragement and possibly direct training. But one should also be aware that spiritually-based action is not inevitably successful, and may in the short run have unintended consequences that are not always preferred.

Developing Spiritual Assets

The potential for expressing spiritual qualities and assets belongs to everyone. But the degree to which they are actually expressed depends upon one’s background and experiences and environment. In other words, spiritual practice is learned and influenced by the conditions around us.

And if that is so, we may be able to develop and strengthen spiritual assets, for ourselves and others, just as we develop other behaviors and the conditions that support them. How might that best be accomplished? Here are some possibilities:

Awareness. It may be that simply presenting examples, stories, or other content relating to spiritual actions creates awareness; and this may gradually or eventually stimulate individual or community action over time.

Encouragement. In addition to providing examples and stories, we need prompts and reminders to act in similar ways.

Guidelines. Guidance on how to express a spiritual asset, such as mercy or forgiveness, can help establish behaviors consistent with the spiritual quality. Such guidelines can be given in print, through visual depiction, or face-to-face, and can be part of varied educational programs or feedback from those who care about us.

Models. Modeling, or showing how it is done, is powerful; especially models who experience positive consequences, such as praise or acknowledgment, for having done so. Mass and social media may be especially helpful in bringing models of applying spiritual assets to the broader community.

Reinforcement for spiritual practices. Modeling is most effective when it is followed by positive consequences. When an act of compassion is criticized, or the recipient is portrayed as undeserving, it will not be sustained. Reinforcement matters, whether it is given by others or self-delivered. For expressions of spiritual assets to be maintained, they need to be reinforced.

Training. An additional step for developing spiritual assets is to provide direct training and instruction in when, why, and how to engage in the spiritual behavior in question. This could include detailed examples, stories, case studies, practice exercises, real-world practice occasions, and discussion opportunities. This type of training could be brought together into a curriculum or shared on the web, similar to the sections of this chapter of the Community Tool Box.

Some Challenges and Issues in Applying Spiritual Assets

We clearly value the spiritual assets we have been discussing, and see many opportunities and areas for their use in community building. Yet, we know that such application is not always apparent or easy.

What are some of these challenges, issues, and ethical questions in applying spiritual assets, and how they can they be addressed?

1. Desire and readiness. If one is to be forgiving, one must have the desire to forgive. If one is it to be patient, one must be motivated to act patiently.

Without this readiness, a learned behavior is less likely to occur. But sometimes that desire may be hard to summon – for sometimes the expression of spiritual assets may seem to conflict with our natural tendencies, or to go against the grain of established patterns and cultural practices.

If it were a matter of an ordinary, routine community action – such as sending a reminder about an upcoming meeting, or welcoming new group members – those actions might seem easier or more natural. But spiritual actions may involve a different and deeper part of the self, one that must first be engaged. It may seem easier to blame than to forgive, or to respond to a hurtful action in kind. It may seem easier to act rather than wait, even though patient waiting might produce the better outcome. For application to occur, the desire to engage in spiritual action must come to outweigh competing tendencies to act in different or contradictory ways, or not to act at all.

2. Conversion into action. Once sufficient desire or readiness to express a spiritual quality is present, it must be converted into action. Desire by itself is not sufficient.

This is of course true for many behaviors, and surely for community- building behaviors. One may want to show compassion – and realize that one could, and feel that one should – but the actual compassionate action may somehow not get expressed. Injustice may be felt, even deeply felt, but for whatever reason – whether it be shyness, uncertainly, lack of confidence, or fear of criticism or recrimination – that feeling does not translate into action to right the wrong.

We know well from self-examination that we don’t always act upon what we see and feeling, and that many of our intentions do not blossom into behavior. If we are to translate desire into spiritual action, some mechanism for conversion is needed, and may need to be developed.

3. Strengthening spiritual habits. When one acts in a spiritual manner consistent with our definition -- when one acts forgivingly, compassionately, or patiently, or when one shows gratitude, or rights an injustice – those types of behaviors must be repeated and maintained over time. When we speak of applying spiritual assets, our hope is for application not just once, but over multiple occasions. The desired spiritual behaviors, like many other desired behaviors, must become habitual or likely to occur when the situation calls for it.

4. Time and effort. Spiritual actions often take time and particular effort, especially when they have not yet become habitual.

If you aspire to be more patient, you may need to restrain an insistent urge to take action. If you want to extend your hospitality, you may need to give up some personal time you were looking forward to. If you are acting for a just cause, you may need to prepare yourself for indifference, criticism, or retribution.

Even though we are well-intentioned and capable, to act upon and express a spiritual asset may mean changing and elevating our ordinary behavior, and may call for some extra effort – time and work that we are not always able, or willing, to give.

5. Spiritual fatigue. A related point: Performing spiritual actions, over time, can be fatiguing – physically, or emotionally, or both – especially if such actions have not been well established. It is one thing to be hopeful, and communicate hope to others; it is another thing when your hopes are dashed time and time again. You may manage to be forgiving today; but can (or should) you sustain forgiveness when others’ hurtful behavior continues to occur?

Repeated expressions of any spiritual asset can be tiring, and easily deplete our spiritual reserves. We may not have the personal capacity to extend endless benevolence to all who need it, ask for it, or deserve it.

6. Spiritual numbing. Alternatively, and perhaps worse, we might become spiritually numb. We may feel overloaded by all the need and distress in the world, knowing that we can’t react to it adequately and fully. To protect ourselves, we may filter and block out this distress, become desensitized to it, and respond weakly if at all. We may then choose to withdraw at least for a while, so that we can be renewed.

7. Competition. And even if spiritual fatigue or numbing never occurs, competition from other activities may. Spiritual actions may compete with other actions we are called upon to take – our obligations to family, friends, or work, or other groups we belong to. Our acts of compassion or mercy toward others can take away from caring for family. Not all needs and requests, even the worthiest, can receive the attention we might like to give them. We must prioritize.

8. Ethical issues. The challenges and issues we have noted so far in converting spiritual assets into action have been essentially practical. But ethical, or moral, issues may arise as well.

One prominent ethical issues relating to spiritual conduct is the deservingness of the recipient. That is, are all recipients equally deserving? Is one who behaves badly equally deserving of forgiveness, or hospitality, or compassion? And in particularly horrific cases – severe physical violence or homicide, for instance – is forgiveness still justified, or justifiable? In a different scenario, even if everyone were equally “good,” would they then have equal claim to the benefits of spiritual actions? Or would some be more deserving than others? Which persons, and by what criteria?

Such ethical questions are much easier to state than to answer. We raise them because they are important and inescapable in most discussions of spiritual action, and worthy of further consideration by all would attempt to infuse spiritual assets into the work of community building.

9. Special challenges for organization and communities: Establishing proper structures. Finally, the discussion under this heading has focused on the spiritual behavior of individuals. But some challenges and issues for spiritual behavior also exist in organizations, and communities, and at other broader levels.

One particular challenge that commonly arises, especially in larger organizations and communities, in sustaining spiritual expression over time. Sustainability certainly applies to individuals too, but may apply even more at broader levels, because the management of the organization—or the leadership of the community—frequently changes faster than the people within it. Values may change, polices may shift, and institutional memory may fade.

What will be helpful in this case is the establishment of a clear and transparent structure to guide and support the expression of spiritual assets for that larger group. Such a structure might take the form of a separate committee or institution, such as a human rights commission or peace and justice coalition. It may also be represented in organizational policies that prohibit discrimination or assure time for service to others. Or, it may be evidenced in orientation and training sessions, periodic reviews, communications to staff or public officials, or some combination of these. Whatever the structures are, they must be agreed to, well-known, and continually nurtured and supported through generations of leadership.

The structure can then become part of the organizational and community culture, its DNA. To use a long but powerful 17-letter word, it becomes institutionalized. It is then more likely to become a permanent feature of what the organization and community is and does.

* * *

The challenges and issues we have cited we feel are largely inherent in spiritual life, and in community life as well. To summon needed desire, to strengthen spiritual habits, to sustain the effort, to avoid spiritual fatigue, these challenges are all ongoing. We cannot resolve them fully and forever, any more than one satisfying meal solves the problem of needing to eat. That is the nature of the community-building process.

Yet, with repeated exploration and practice, we can become more skilled at expressing our spiritual assets, just as our communities can become more able to benefit from them. This gives us much room for hope, a spiritual asset in itself.

The other sections in this chapter are designed to facilitate your own exploration of different spiritual assets. As you read them, we hope that this guidance is useful and nurturing for you.

In the meantime, as always, we wish you every success in assuring spiritual assets for the important work of community building.

Contributor
Bill Berkowitz

Editor
Stephen B. Fawcett

This and other sections in the Tool Box chapter on Spirituality and Community Building (Chapter 28) have been written with the support and contributions of experts connected with the Charter for Compassion. For more information about the Charter and its work, visit www.charterforcompassion.org.

 

 

Introduction: The Value of Compassion

Compassion is a concept that is deeply embedded in our human consciousness. It may also prove to be crucial to our well-being in a world now shared by more than seven billion people. Indeed, the capacity for compassion in the human mind and heart, recently a topic of study in the neurosciences and the subject of ongoing discussions in psychology, ethics, literature, and theology, may be key to the very survival of humankind as well as the environment we share with other creatures.

Although we will propose a working definition and discuss practical applications of compassion for our everyday lives, this section begins with two stories intended to provoke your own thinking about the value of this spiritual asset as it might apply to community building. Because compassion is recognized as a significant and powerful value in both ancient and modern cultures, it holds exciting potential for humankind to create compassionate communities and, perhaps, a compassionate global community in which people take responsibility and care for each other, and where peaceful co-existence is a genuine possibility.

The two stories can help us formulate relevant questions—which we will then address in the context of what compassion can mean for community building.

The Story of Ebenezer Scrooge

Ebenezer Scrooge is the main character in a short novel by the English writer Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol, published in 1843. A familiar story that has been adapted for film and stage in Western society, the story of Scrooge, indeed his very name, calls up images of a businessman who cares only about making and holding on to his money and who even defies the spirit of Christmas with his famous words, “Bah, humbug!”

But Mr. Scrooge’s story is finally one of redemption and transformation. He is visited by ghosts who remind him of the joy and hope of Christmases past, show him the harsh realities of life for people in his community during Christmas present, and give him a glimpse of possible future Christmases including his own death and terrible reputation. After the intervention of the ghosts, he becomes a new man, a man of compassion, who seizes upon opportunities to relieve the pain and suffering of family, friends, employees, and his community. By the end of the story, Scrooge is a man who has learned that empathy and compassion for others can make a positive difference in his own life and in the community.

Lessons and Questions from This Story

This story has important implications for community building, for it implies that personal transformation is possible, and that human beings are capable of developing a compassionate mindset that can affect the well-being of the wider community. It also leaves us to ponder significant questions: How can we (given that we cannot dispatch time-traveling ghosts) help to bring about such a change in human hearts? And taking this idea a step further – what prevents even kind and well-meaning people from acting with compassion within their own communities and beyond?

The Story of Avalokitesvara

Another much older story about compassion, from a Tibetan Buddhist tradition in the third century B.C., may also be useful in examining these issues. Long ago there lived a man named Avalokitesvara, who makes a vow to his spiritual teacher that he will be always mindful of compassion and that he will work to liberate all other beings from suffering. To seal this vow, Avalokitesvara declares that if he ever again has a selfish thought, “may my head be cracked into ten pieces . . . and may my body be split into a thousand pieces.”

After many years of staying true to his vow, Avalokitesvara finally breaks under the strain of seeing so much suffering and feels that his efforts to relieve that suffering have been insufficient. In anguish, he cries out, “What is the use? I can do nothing for them. It is better for me to be happy and peaceful myself.” Avalokitesvara falls apart—his head splits into ten pieces, and his body breaks into a thousand pieces.

Avalokitesvara is visited at this point in the story by his spiritual teacher, who is able to heal and transform him. Avalokitesvara’s new form has ten faces to look out in all directions (symbolizing his ability to view compassionately all the suffering in every direction without getting overwhelmed) as well as a radiant, eleventh head and a thousand arms, each with an eye in its palm indicating compassion’s capacity for vast awareness.

Lessons and Questions from This Story

Avalokitesvara learns from his breakdown not only that he cannot eliminate the world’s suffering despite his passionate intentions, but also that he cannot ignore his own needs by completely devoting himself to serving the needs of others. Today, Avalokitesvara is known to some as the bodhisattva of compassion or, to others, as the embodiment of the compassion of all the Buddhas who ever existed or ever will exist.

Avalokitesvara’s story, too, poses questions for us as community builders to ponder: What impact can we have, or what difference can we really make, when there is so much suffering all around us? How do we keep from compassion burnout (or “compassion fatigue”), that is, from feeling depression or even despair because of our inability to meet the challenge of suffering in our own communities and throughout the globe?

We will attempt to address all of the questions prompted by these stories, first by defining what we mean by “compassion,” then considering when and how this spiritual asset may be helpful in community building, and finally by suggesting how compassion can be developed and promoted in individuals and within the community.

Definition: The Many Faces of Compassion

Like Avalokitesvara, compassion has many faces, and to define it is not easy. We can consider the meaning and origins of the word “compassion” in various languages. We can read about the concept in discussions of ethics and morality. We can take into account the stories, parables, and theologies of various world religions. And in current scientific journals and academic studies as well as popular magazines, articles, and videos, we can read about compassion in the context of various related qualities and concepts.

An initial difficulty in pinning down a definition is that the concept of compassion is not one that translates easily in terms of either language or culture. The Oxford Dictionaries online defines compassion as “sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others” and traces the origin to ecclesiastical Latin’s “compati,” meaning to “suffer with.” Over the centuries, however, the term has become more complex and nuanced, as evidenced by the wide variety of definitions and approaches to this concept published on the website of The Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education at Stanford University School of Medicine.

Scientific Approaches to Compassion

A relatively recent approach to understanding compassion comes from scientific research and attempts to map the biological basis of compassion, including taking measurements of activity in the vagus nerve, heart rate, the secretion of the “bonding hormone” oxytocin, and activity in various regions of the brain. The Greater Good Science Center, based at the University of California, Berkeley, which studies the psychology, sociology, and neuroscience of well-being, provides a practical definition and one that may be useful for community builders: “[Compassion] is defined as the feeling that arises when you are confronted with another’s suffering and feel motivated to relieve that suffering.”

And in the same vein, Dan Martin, a professor and researcher in social psychology and business management at California State University, East Bay, proposes that taking action is an essential aspect of compassion. He views compassion as a complex idea that can manifest itself in myriad ways, and poses a three-part definition of compassion to include (1) noticing suffering, (2) feeling empathy, and (3) taking action to ameliorate the suffering, which cues others to see it in actual behavior.

For the purposes of this discussion, we have combined Martin’s definition with that of the Greater Good Science Foundation to provide a practical construct and a good place to begin in considering the importance of compassion in community building: Compassion is a feeling that arises when a person becomes aware of another’s suffering, feels empathy for that person, and takes action to ameliorate that suffering.

The Importance of Compassion for Community Building

The Need for Compassion

Now, in the early decades of the 21st century, we are all witnesses—through the internet, television, radio, and print media if not in actual experience—to the suffering brought about by natural catastrophes and man-made tragedies on an almost daily basis: destructive storms, diseases, acts of political terror, school shootings, soldier suicides, human trafficking, and discrimination against one or another group of people. We observe or hear about homelessness, hate crimes, and too many children living below poverty level or being traumatized by living in war zones.

Everywhere, every day, we learn of people suffering, in our own communities and in communities throughout the world. It is difficult not to be aware of all this suffering, yet most of us manage to keep it from the forefront of our everyday lives.

Possibly because the sheer number of issues and the amount of suffering can seem overwhelming, we tend to “cultivate our own gardens” if not actually bury our heads in the sand. While we often rely on our government and social agencies—local, national, and international—to deal with the many issues that cause people to suffer, it is everywhere evident that something more is needed. In our communities and in the world, we are now confronted with an urgent need to listen to and understand each other, to empathize with all those who suffer, and to act with compassion for the health and well-being of all people. We will explore how we might do this in the text that follows.

The Role of Compassion in Community Building

Community builders will be challenged to both bring awareness and build empathy; but to be successful, they will need to facilitate the design and delivery of compassionate actions among community members. Compassion will be a critical element throughout every stage of the organizing process, from assessment and planning through implementation and evaluation.

During initial assessment, if we do not take the time to really listen—with empathy and compassion-–to those who are affected by a challenge, we risk misunderstanding what the real issues are and what is needed to resolve those issues. A woman who experiences domestic violence, for example, may benefit from the opportunity to go to a safe house with her children rather than the more usual “solution” to have her husband arrested and her children removed from the home. Successful solutions cannot be imposed; they must be developed with understanding, empathy, and compassion for those who are suffering.

The implementation of any plan to relieve suffering also calls for empathy and compassionate action; we know that simply “throwing money” at a problem does not resolve the real issues and underlying causes. An attitude of compassion helps ensure that we do not impose a top-down solution on those who are affected—people experiencing homelessness, the unemployed, youth from underrepresented communities, people living with mental illness, the hungry; rather, we need to take the time to walk in their shoes, to listen, to understand. Compassionate action within a community takes time—to recognize the suffering, to truly empathize with those who suffer, and then to take compassionate action that will improve their situation.

Favorable Conditions for Use of Compassion

Under what conditions is it most appropriate or helpful to be compassionate? That very question may seem a bit strange, for we might well ask when is it not appropriate or helpful to act compassionately. Yet some situations so obviously call for compassion that we may not even be conscious of making a choice to take compassionate action—such as when a family member or a friend asks for help or just a listening ear, when a co-worker makes an error and faces ridicule or worse, when a neighbor has suffered a loss of property or a loved one.

All of these examples are about people with whom we have some personal relationship. Because they inhabit our personal sphere, we find it relatively easy to empathize with them, to feel their pain and want to help—to take compassionate action.

But what about the suffering outside our personal sphere? For many of us, seeing a child or an animal in distress will trigger our empathy and compassion even if we have no previous relationship with them. Similarly, if we notice someone who is relatively helpless (older adults, the injured) and in obvious physical distress, we may also be moved to compassionate action—to provide assistance or comfort, or to call an ambulance. At some point, however, it becomes more difficult to jolt our awareness, our empathy, and certainly our compassionate action.

When and how do we recognize the suffering and extend our compassion to that person experiencing homelessness or that person pushing an overloaded cart down the street? When do we inquire into what services are available to frail older adults, to people with developmental disabilities, to people living with mental illness and their families? When will we go beyond inquiry, and advocate for those services? What moves us to recognize and do something about people who suffer from poverty and hunger in our own communities or in communities far away? What can motivate us to reach out to relieve the suffering of people, perhaps immigrants who live amongst us, whose beliefs and cultures are so different from our own?

Most of us do not view ourselves as similar to either the self-absorbed “Bah, humbug” Ebenezer Scrooge who chooses to ignore the suffering of others in his community or the all-giving and compassionate Avalokitesvara who sets out to relieve all suffering wherever it is found. But like them, we struggle with how much we are willing to empathize, and then make a conscious choice to give of our time, energy, and wealth to improve life for others.

Compassion Predicaments

Laurette Folk, editor of The Compassion Project: An Anthology, gives a name to this struggle. She calls it a “compassion predicament”:

What I have discovered is that compassion is most often a predicament—something we begrudgingly choose (or choose not) to do. When we give eagerly, it’s during the holidays, because there is a bandwagon effect—everyone else is giving as well— and it makes us feel good.

I’ve had many compassion predicaments in my life, and I’m no exception. There was an older adult lady sitting on a bench outside the Stop & Shop with bags full of food who wanted a ride home; the ride she had arranged beforehand had left her stranded. I was taken aback by this proposition and perceived her as brazen, but being the softy that I am, I gave in. We loaded her groceries into the back of my Toyota Rav4, and I dropped her off at her apartment building down the road. She was especially appreciative, and although I initially felt annoyed and inconvenienced, I experienced a sudden rush of joy as I pulled away.

The concept of the compassion predicament can be extended further as we ask ourselves: just what is our responsibility in taking compassionate action? Is it when we happen to be made aware of suffering—getting a late night phone call from a friend or family member who is depressed, seeing an elderly woman sleeping in the cold in a doorway as we hurry down the sidewalk to work, or learning from the internet or a television broadcast about the suffering of families in a war-torn country halfway around the world? Does our responsibility extend to looking for suffering behind “closed doors”—of mental institutions, of prisons and youth detention facilities, of nursing homes? These questions will be important to ponder as we turn to how compassion can play a role in community building.

Whose suffering do we allow into our awareness? When do we allow ourselves to feel empathy? What does another person’s suffering require of us? These are questions that each of us must ask and answer for ourselves in the context of our own lives. Indeed, the answers may change depending on our current circumstances—our age, our sense of security, our abilities, and our own physical and mental health. For example, if you are just getting started in a career, perhaps raising young children, you may find plenty of opportunities for compassionate action within your sphere of family, your community of friends (including children’s activities), and perhaps a faith congregation. You may even make some modest monetary contributions to causes that you believe in; but you will probably not be giving up all your possessions and devoting yourself to help people who are suffering, say, somewhere in a war zone halfway across the globe.

As you age and grow in experience and wisdom—and hopefully compassion—you may find different answers to the compassion predicament, and you may find yourself reaching out more not only within your own community but across the world to strangers. We cannot prescribe a path for you, of course. Like both Ebenezer Scrooge and Avalokitesvara, each of us must make our own choices as we struggle to understand what it is to be human and how we are related to all other beings who share our planet.

How to Use Compassion in Community Building

Let’s remind ourselves here of our definition of compassion as an asset for community building: Compassion is a feeling that arises when a person becomes aware of another’s suffering, feels empathy for that person, and takes action to ameliorate that suffering. The challenges for us as community builders then are how to (1) build awareness, (2) encourage the development of empathy, and finally (3) help move people to compassionate action. We will consider each of these challenges in turn.

Building Awareness

We have all witnessed the outpouring of support that occurs when there is a particularly memorable or well-publicized catastrophe, whether that is a natural disaster or a heinous crime committed against some portion of humanity. We understand that the suffering of other beings can touch the hearts and minds of many people, even those who live thousands of miles away from the disasters. But do we need to wait for the occurrence of a disaster to ignite compassion within our communities?

The immediate challenge in community building is how to get people to pay attention to what is happening every day closer to home, in their own back yards. The pain and suffering that goes mostly unnoticed by many of us does not melt away because we choose not to see it. On the contrary, eventually the pain and suffering of an affected group—a marginalized ethnic population, youth from underrepresented communities, veterans experiencing homelessness, people living with mental illness—will spill over into the wider community, often with tragic consequences. So creating awareness is an essential first step in using compassion for community building. But how do we do it?

1. Include Many Perspectives. One of the major strategies in any community building effort is to engage as inclusive a group as possible—especially those directly affected by the issues—to gain the perspective and support of the various groups and individuals that make up the community. It is not a simple task to bring together disparate (and sometimes hostile) groups in an open discussion and to expose and explore their pain and suffering. Well-meaning community organizers may find that uninvited and negative guests –-anger, misunderstanding, ignorance, apathy, prejudice, privilege, miscommunication, fear, and selfishness—may arrive at a meeting to disrupt their efforts.

At such moments, compassion is needed more than ever by the community leaders, for compassionate listening and understanding of the stories behind all of these emotions and ideas can lead to greater empathy and compassion for all involved. Such compassion can bring about radical change in a community.

An example of how successful this approach can be is the Dudley Street Neighborhood Initiative (DSNI), a non-profit community-based organization rooted in the Roxbury/North Dorchester neighborhoods of Boston. When a small foundation presented its plans to try to revitalize a neighborhood devastated by arson, neglect, illegal redlining practices, and outside speculation, they were surprised when some members of the community objected because they had been left out of the planning process. In the award-winning 1996 documentary, Holding Ground: The Rebirth of Dudley Street, the planners admit, “We made a mistake ... by not including residents.” The entire project was transformed by restructuring the board of directors to include members of each neighborhood ethnic group in addition to representatives of local housing and human services organizations, religious institutions, and local businesses. The 2012 follow-up documentary, Gaining Ground: Building Community on Dudley Street, provides further evidence of the effectiveness of listening to the diversity of voices, including community youth, and of working together to bring about the well-being of all members of the community.

2. Conduct Surveys and Assessments. Many approaches and tools are available to help bring about greater awareness and to facilitate an inclusive community discussion and assessment to identify the most pressing needs within the community. In some situations, a door-to-door survey may be most effective. In others, a facilitated discussion may be helpful.

An additional possibility for building awareness is the use of a checklist, index, or assessment that can provide a snapshot of the community’s status concerning various issues that relate to the wellbeing of the community. One example of such an instrument was the index developed for Santa Monica, California as part of its Wellbeing Project:

The Wellbeing Project measures a city in many ways at once. It digs deep into the city’s own data about what services it provides and programs it delivers. It adds Santa Monica data collected by other public and private agencies, mixes in analysis of social media posts to see what residents are saying about life in Santa Monica, and a survey to see what Santa Monica residents say about themselves. Our research teams invested more than a thousand hours filtering data across five dimensions:

• Community: Often described as “social capital,” a community with strong connections among its inhabitants can flourish in good times and withstand the tough ones.
• Place: The characteristics of the area in which people live—physical, social, environmental and economic –affect how well-being is fostered and supported.
• Learning: Education is linked to virtually all well-being outcomes, but even beyond measures of high school or college graduations, lifelong learning in and out of the classroom is a key factor of well-being.
• Health: Being and feeling healthy—or at least having the tools and resources needed to manage any health challenges—are essential to an overall sense of well-being.
• Economic Opportunity: Economic conditions, including opportunities for upward mobility, are key to creating a community in which a diverse population can live and thrive.

Another helpful tool in the initial stages of community organizing is included in the Charter Tool Box on the website of the Charter for Compassion, within a section called “Compassionate Communities,” as well as our own section on the Tool Box. The Communities Assessment on the Charter’s website currently includes 19 topics with related questions that a community group—especially an inclusive group of formal and informal community leaders as well as people who are affected by existing issues –can use as a starting point to evaluate the status of their community. Going through the topic list and questions under each topic can assist community leaders in a first step toward identifying the issues that are most important to the community. The topics are:

• Age-Friendliness
• ​Animals, Pets and Well-Being
• Child Care
• Communications, Technology Infrastructure, Media
• Community Advocacy and Outreach Beyond Our Borders
• Cultural Recognition
• Economy
• Education
• Environment
• Food
• Governance
• Healthcare
• Housing
• Human Trafficing and Slavery
• Marginalized Populations: Treatment of People
• Mental, Emotional, and Behavioral Well-Being
• Religious and Interfaith Groups
• Safety
• Transportation
• Water
• Youth Empowerment

3. Share Stories. Another organization, Threshold Collaborative, has developed an approach that uses stories to promote personal, organizational, and community change. Their work integrates “story sharing, photography, video, and public art projects to document, explore and learn about issues from the perspective of the resident experts—the people living, working and going to school in our communities.”

An example of their work is a project (and now also a book) entitled A Picture is Worth, which grew out of Reading, Pennsylvania’s unwelcome distinction in a 2011 New York Times article by Sabrina Tavernise as the American city with the highest poverty rate, elevated high school dropout numbers, and extraordinarily low college-degree attainments:

A Picture is Worth is a collaborative creation that engages people in sharing and crafting powerful stories about their lives. Audio narratives of 1000 words are linked to photographed portraits through easy to access technology, giving voice to the person whose photo hangs before you. The experience is at once intimate and powerful, helping the viewer to listen deeply and develop connections and understanding. A Picture is Worth is being used to share insights and create awareness about issues as diverse as domestic/sexual violence, teen parenting, youth leadership development and local food sustainability.

Encouraging Empathy

For those working to bring positive change and well-being to their own communities, the lesson is clear: people need to see and feel—and to empathize with – the suffering of other beings, to have it made real for them in a vivid and realistic way, in order to tap into their own well of compassion and reach out to help. How can we encourage the development of empathy?

1. Provide First-Hand Experiences. If homelessness is an issue, for example, it is in witnessing the pain and suffering of people experiencing homelessness—perhaps by talking to homeless people, or visiting or volunteering at a shelter–more so than simply getting information about the cost to the local government and taxpayers, or the inconvenience to home or business owners, or the funding strategies and fund-raising goals of local non-profits or charities—that will move people to take compassionate action.

One example comes from a friend who shadowed a volunteer for Meals on Wheels (a nonprofit service that delivers nutritious meals to seniors living at home, unable to prepare their own meals or go out to eat, and having little or no nutritional assistance ) in order to decide whether to become a volunteer herself. As they visited the homes of each person on the list, she was taken aback by what she saw as the isolation of so many frail elderly people, and by their need not only for a nutritious meal but for connection with other human beings. While in theory she had thought it a good idea to help deliver meals, her awareness of the actual situation and the resulting empathy she felt for the receivers of this service made volunteering to help much more compelling and meaningful.

2. Read, Celebrate, and Work Together. The development of empathy in individuals may also be related to what they read, observe, think, and experience.  The broader their experience and knowledge of other people, the more likely they are to develop empathy for them.  People need to meet the “other” in their community, share their common humanity, and empathize with each other’s situation.  Opportunities to share each other’s culture, such as multicultural festivals that offer a variety of music, dance, art, and food, can encourage and increase empathy in a community. Art festivals and dramatic presentations can also serve to promote understanding and empathy in an audience.

Sharing Compassion through Art

One of many such examples of community sharing is the Appleton Art Project, in which a total of 10,436 students from kindergarten through 12th grade in Appleton, Wisconsin, were asked to illustrate their idea of compassion on a six-inch square tile. Showing thousands of different meanings for one word, the artwork within the Appleton Compassion Project, combined with a brief narrative, was turned into a special exhibition at Appleton’s Trout Museum of Art.

A number of recent studies have also cited reading fiction as a way to develop empathy and understanding of people and cultures that differ from our own (e.g., “Your Brain on Fiction” by Annie Murphy Paul). The Charter for Compassion website includes annotated lists of books, short stories, and articles that are related to compassion. By joining the Charter’s book club, people have access to a group on Facebook where they can meet to organize digital or in-person book clubs and share their insights. Some communities have also formed “Compassion Circles”, bringing people together to “be part of creating a 'wave of compassion' to transform how we care for ourselves, each other, and those most vulnerable and needing our support.”

Listening to the stories and diverse perspectives around various topics, and planning a project such as a community garden or neighborhood cleanup can also help to build empathy.  As one example, David H. Breaux went on a year-long Compassion Tour to raise awareness of compassion.  In Austin, Texas, Dr. Lesa Walker, a leader in the Compassionate Austin initiative, reached out to the Interfaith Action of Central Texas (iACT) who is offering the use of their Red Bench, a portable bench that is used to attract public discussion around a specific topic and asked David to collaborate.  David sat at the bench inviting people to share their concept of compassion.  Efforts to bring people together in these ways can plant seeds of understanding and empathy that will be helpful in creating a more compassionate community.

3. Appeal to Values. Empathy may also develop out of deeply held religious values, ethical and moral principles, gratitude accompanied by a desire to “give back,” political and economic ideals, and concern for children and grandchildren. An appeal to these sensibilities—in faith communities, in political speeches, in letters to the editor of the local paper, in radio announcements, on billboards, and in public lectures, films, and discussions – may encourage the development of empathy necessary to accomplish the work of community building.

Moving to Compassionate Action

Scientific inquiry and research has demonstrated that performing or even just observing acts of compassion (or kindness or niceness—also referred to as “pro-social acts”) – can be as contagious as a biological virus (e.g., “Cooperative Behavior Cascades in Human Social Networks” by James Fowler and Nicholas Christakis in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America). Instead of causing the flu, however, being infected by experiencing or observing such acts can cause “elevation,” a joyous lifting of one’s heart and mind. To put it more clinically, we experience an emotional response to witnessing others’ acts, which make us feel unselfish, often with a desire to act similarly.

Elevation

You can try out the idea of elevation for yourself by watching a short video about a boy who has no coat and is shivering in the cold at a bus stop in Norway. The video was filmed as an experiment by the Norwegian branch of the SOS Children’s Villages International charity as part of a campaign to provide warm clothing for displaced children in Syria. As you will see, many bystanders were moved to offer their coats or gloves to the child.

The challenge for the SOS Children’s Villages International is, however, to make the connection between that child sitting in the cold and other children who are suffering even more in war-torn Syria. Bystanders could see for themselves that the child was suffering from the cold, which they could feel as well. They were able to empathize, to feel the child’s pain, and that led them to have compassion and offer comfort, even though that meant for some of them that they would be without gloves or a coat themselves. How can we reach people within our own communities? What will move them beyond recognizing and empathizing to taking action?

1. Contagion of Compassionate Actions. One hopeful approach stems from research that demonstrates the contagion of compassionate actions. A research study conducted by James Fowler, associate professor in political science at UC San Diego and Nicholas Christakis, professor of sociology, medicine, and medical sociology at Harvard, provided the first laboratory evidence that cooperative behavior is contagious and that it spreads from person to person to person. They demonstrated that when people benefit from kindness they "pay it forward" by helping others who were not originally involved, creating a cascade of cooperation that influences dozens more in a social network.

Our work over the past few years, examining the function of human social networks and their genetic origins, has led us to conclude that there is a deep and fundamental connection between social networks and goodness," said Christakis. "The flow of good and desirable properties like ideas, love and kindness is required for human social networks to endure, and, in turn, networks are required for such properties to spread. Humans form social networks because the benefits of a connected life outweigh the costs.”

2. Paying It Forward. The research around elevation and the potential to create a chain-reaction of compassion provides hope for the idea that in any community (and perhaps in the global community) we can unleash a revolution of compassion by “paying it forward,” committing to act with compassion for anyone we happen to interact with throughout the day.

• —While shopping at the market, for example, we might help someone unload the items from their basket or perhaps take a moment to talk with the cashier who has had to cope with a difficult customer.
• —We may listen patiently to the technician at the dentist’s office who is worried about an aging parent or a difficult teenager.
• —While driving in traffic, we can make it a point to be especially considerate of other drivers, bicyclists, and pedestrians.
• —If we are serving customers in a restaurant, a friendly attitude and willingness to be helpful (even with rude customers) can be the catalyst that influences those customers to act compassionately on their own.
• Attending a meeting at the office, we can be alert to those who are feeling ignored or bullied and provide encouragement or speak up against the bully.
• We can be compassionate in talking with telemarketers, caring for children, or talking to a homeless person on the street. The opportunities for such actions are endless.

Each of our compassionate acts can result in more compassionate actions, thus reaching far beyond the initial action. The spread of compassion from person to person is the topic of a recent documentary film, Kindness is Contagious, directed by David Gaz. The film is based on a simple premise: “…many small acts of kindness may make more of a difference than a few big ones.” The thought is that kindness is viral, and the documentary captures small acts of kindness, interspersed with commentary about the nature of kindness and the benefits it can have for individuals, for health, for social well-being and for community.

3. The Sum is Greater Than Its Parts. In their book Connected: The Surprising Power of Our Social Networks and How They Shape Our Lives, renowned scientists Nicholas Christakis and James Fowler use the metaphor of the “bucket brigade” to emphasize the increased effectiveness of people working in connected networks as opposed to the same number of people working as individuals. For example, if a house is burning and a hundred people (who happen to have buckets) carry buckets back and forth from the river to douse the fire, they will be ten times less effective in putting out the fire than a line of people passing buckets of water from the river to the fire. The immense power of social networks is one that we, as community builders, need to harness.

While individual acts of compassion are to be encouraged, often they may not be enough to influence long-standing, entrenched, and emotionally-laden issues within a community—gang violence, drug use, domestic violence, police brutality, homelessness, racial injustice, chronic hunger, and prejudice against immigrants. Even those of us who feel great compassion around these issues may feel powerless and perhaps hopeless in trying to resolve them on an individual basis.

But once we are able to tap into our capacity for compassion, and join our efforts with others who feel the same—a kind of bucket brigade –we are better equipped to seek ways to relieve the pain and suffering that we may have pushed aside and tried to ignore. Together, the possibility for increasing compassion within the community grows exponentially. At the same time, our compassionate actions have a positive influence on others, not unlike the spread within social media of “viral videos” that depict particularly tender, comic, or heroic moments in the lives of people throughout the world.

Developing and Promoting Compassion

It is certainly true that people within every faith tradition and in every nation across the Earth yearn for a more compassionate and peaceful world in which all people—and the Earth itself—can experience less suffering and greater well-being for themselves, their families, their communities, and their environment. But how can we inspire more people to understand the urgency of joining together with compassion, to take responsibility and care for one another?

Recent developments in positive psychology, emotional intelligence, meditation practices, and mindfulness training all hold out the hope that we humans can teach and learn the skills that will help us extend the hands of compassion to others. We offer a few suggestions here for how to develop and promote compassion in individuals and within the community:

Teach and Learn Compassion

• Scientific research into the measurable benefits of compassion indicates that individuals can benefit personally by learning to be more compassionate. Compassion training programs for adults are underway at several institutions including Stanford University, Emory University, and the University of California, Berkeley. While findings are still preliminary, the research suggests that compassion can be learned, that formal training can help, and also that being compassionate can improve health, well-being, and the quality of relationships.
• The Greater Good Science Center at Berkeley indicates that many scientists believe that compassion may even be vital to the survival of our species. On the Greater Good website you can read about some of their research findings, which include benefits of compassion for the health and happiness of individuals, parents, spouses, friends, and employees. Communities, of course, are made up of all the people and relationships on this list. The hope is that as compassion increases in individuals, that compassion will spread to others—from family members to total strangers—to create a more compassionate community.
• Another useful tool for bringing people together is provided by the Compassionate Listening Project, a non-profit organization that offers the services of independent facilitators who offer training in their Compassionate Listening curriculum. They are dedicated “to empowering individuals and communities to transform conflict and strengthen cultures of peace.”
• Author Olivia McIvor, in her book Turning Compassion into Action, provides some practical suggestions for those who want to reach beyond themselves to develop their compassion. In discussing the sense of loneliness that seems to pervade everyday life in our technological society, McIvor asks, “What would compassion do?” to bridge the gap for individuals who are feeling lonely or isolated. She suggests:
  
  • Create a new circle of friendship
  • Meet someone from another generation
  • Talk to a neighbor
  • Create or join a compassion club
  • Reach beyond your current boundaries
  • Identify what makes you feel included and forward that to someone else
  • Volunteer in your community
  • Commit to a conscious act of kindness every week
  • Ensure everyone feels valued, respected, and heard
  • Acknowledge someone you usually ignore
  • Ask, “What do you think?”
  • Listen with love

Gain Emotional Intelligence Skills

The skills that contribute to the various components of emotional intelligence (often called EI, or EQ)—self-awareness, self-management, awareness of and interaction with others, and resilience—can provide an excellent foundation for community builders in their work to bring awareness, build empathy, and move people to compassionate action within their communities. Emotional intelligence may be viewed as prerequisites to the development of compassion.

One of the foundational aspects of emotional intelligence, for example, is self-awareness, which includes “emotional literacy,” the ability to identify your feelings and emotions in a given moment so that you can then learn how to manage them. Emotional literacy, like other skills of emotional intelligence, can be taught and learned. Empathy—the ability to recognize and identify with the emotions of others—is another significant aspect of emotional intelligence training. A well-developed sense of empathy, or “emotional resonance” with another, paves the way for the development of satisfying and productive relationships. It can also result in a greater understanding and a more compassionate view of all beings and their suffering.

Build Compassion Education in the Schools

While adding to the school curriculum may not be obviously related to community building, we would be remiss by not mentioning the opportunity to look to the future by introducing compassion and related concepts early and often in schools. Fortunately, there are a number of projects and curricula in many countries that purport to do just that. The Charter for Compassion website includes a great many resources in this vein and also invites schools and institutions of higher learning to sign the Charter for Compassionate Schools.

Join Efforts with Others in a Global Compassion Movement

In the past fifty years or so, largely due to technology and new modes of transportation and communication, we have moved closer to the realization that we can no longer live in isolated communities, that we are indeed interconnected and interdependent. As a species, we can build on and extend familial compassion to an extended or blended family, to friends, and perhaps to acquaintances who share our community (a neighborhood, a school or college, a town or city, a state or province, or even a country). Efforts to foster and build awareness, empathy, and compassion in our own communities may lead to efforts on a larger scale—toward the realization of a world of peaceful co-existence.

 It is our task as members of the community to nurture those seeds of compassion in each other, so that they thrive, flourish, and make us capable of assisting all beings who are suffering or in pain in any way, both in our own communities and in every place on Earth.

The Charter for Compassion

In 2008, author and religious historian Karen Armstrong won the $100,000 TED prize for her wish to create, launch, and propagate a global compassion movement based on the golden rule. She worked with a group of scholars and religious leaders from all over the world to write what is now known as the Charter for Compassion, launched in 2009. As a document that sets out the basic principles by which the signatories agree to live, the Charter has inspired many thousands of individuals, who have signed on to it and have committed themselves to “make compassion a clear, luminous, and dynamic force” toward creating a “peaceful global community.”

In addition, the document inspired the establishment of an organization, the Charter for Compassion, which operates as a “network of networks”—our own version of the bucket brigade – to connect individuals, organizations, and institutions, as well as several hundred compassionate communities worldwide, which are already making compassion their focus and motivating force. The vision articulated by Charter for  Compassion is the following:

We envision a world in which compassion and compassionate action, as articulated in our Charter, will become a transformative energy, motivating individuals and communities to care for each other, to relieve suffering wherever it is found, and to connect to other communities across the globe to ensure well-being for all beings on the planet.

Charter for Compassion invites individuals, groups and organizations, and communities of all sizes to sign the Charter and join in working for a more compassionate world. The organization’s vision is to connect individuals, organizations, and institutions that are working to make compassion central to their daily activities in their own communities toward realizing its global vision.

Imagine what our 21st-century world would be like if somehow we reached that proverbial “tipping point” where people all over the globe took conscious notice of their everyday thoughts and actions within their local communities so that they treated other beings with compassion. What if individual hearts and minds were transformed so that, like Ebenezer Scrooge, we became conscious of the suffering of all other beings with whom we share the world?

What if we were able to take responsibility and look beyond our differences—of gender, age, educational background, socio-economic status, sexual orientation, religious affiliation, ethnicity, physical or mental ability, or any other difference that keeps us apart—to care for one another? How would this change our communities? How might it transform our world community?

Challenges, Issues, and Reflection Questions

While the vision of a compassionate world is a compelling one, there is much work to be done in developing compassion in individuals, in communities, and throughout the world. We offer the following questions to encourage your thoughts and ideas about how to accomplish this great work:

• In a society in which wealth, fame, possessions, and physical beauty are constantly held up before us in the media, how do we encourage compassion and compassionate action within our communities? How can a modern-day “Scrooge” find that reservoir of inner compassion?
• Should we extend compassion to those who have committed heinous crimes? To people living with mental illness? To those who declare hatred of some other group(s)? To those who have personally injured or offended us or our loved ones?
• Can “pro-social” actions be effective if they are not motivated by compassion? What if such seemingly compassionate actions are based on selfish or self-aggrandizing motives—improving one’s status in the community, for example?
• How do we create healthy boundaries so that, like Avalokitesvara, we don’t experience “compassion fatigue” or fall into hopelessness?
• What about those individuals who did not experience “familial compassion” in their upbringing and might seemingly be incapable of compassion? We know now, for example, that many infants who were abandoned to overcrowded and understaffed orphanages developed later difficulties in relating successfully to other people. Can such people learn compassion?
• When faced with a “compassion predicament,” how do we choose our response? How do we decide on the “limits” for compassion?

In Summary

• Compassion is a quality—an asset—that most of us are born with and that first develops in the caregiver-infant bond. This fact provides hope for further igniting and encouraging compassion in individuals, in groups, in communities, and in the world community.
• Compassion has a fundamental role to play in resolving the challenges of our 21st-century world, and now, more than ever before, is urgently needed to assist the more than seven billion humans on the Earth in finding a way to care for each other and for the planet.
• Experiencing the suffering of others, acquiring empathy for the suffering of all beings, reaching out to help with compassionate action, and feeling the “elevation” that happens when we perform or observe acts of compassion are all qualities that can be developed through awareness, experience, and training. And all are significant concepts to keep in mind in community building, for they can improve the well-being of any community.
• Research findings in the neurosciences and psychology, emotional intelligence, meditation, and mindfulness can also play beneficial roles in developing self-compassion and compassion for others.
• Each individual act of compassion can have far-reaching effects. The everyday compassion we show to family members, friends, and those we interact with daily in business and in the community is the fuel that will carry us to a world of well-being and peace.

Example: Letters of Love

In Cincinnati, they understand that the reason that so many babies are dying in their community is complex. They also know that many women in their community feel alone and frightened during pregnancy.

The majority of infants who die in Cincinnati are born to single moms who report that they don’t have the social or emotional support that they need. Women in the most vulnerable neighborhoods report that pregnancy too often feels like a time of constant judgement. Cradle Cincinnati calls people to “Imagine instead, if it felt like a time of unconditional support from their entire city.” Cradle Cincinnati invites community members to write a letter of encouragement to a currently pregnant woman in the city. They collect the letters and hand-deliver them to women during their prenatal doctor appointments.

This and other sections in the Tool Box chapter on Spirituality and Community Building (Chapter 28) have been written with the support and contributions of experts connected with the Charter for Compassion. For more information about the Charter and its work, visit www.charterforcompassion.org.

 

• An introduction to being charitable

• A working definition of “being charitable”

• The importance and benefits of being charitable

• How being charitable is good for you

• Being charitable and its community consequences

• Some potential challenges to being charitable

• How to become more charitable

 

 

An Introduction to Being Charitable

As noted in the Overview section, being charitable towards others is a spiritual asset—one that can contribute to community building. Some might even maintain that it is impossible to build a sense of belonging and community without some form of charitable practice.

An illustration is the South African view of community referred to as “Ubuntu,” which is usually translated as, “I am because of who we are.” Retired Archbishop and social rights activist Desmond Tutu believes that Ubuntu is the very essence of what it is to be human:

“You can’t be human all by yourself, and when you have this quality—Ubuntu—you are known for your generosity. We think of ourselves far too frequently as just individuals, separated from one another, whereas you are connected and what you do affects the whole World. When you do well, it spreads out; it is for the whole of humanity.” [https://www.tutufoundationuk.org/ubuntu-youth-project]

This value, or way of life—Ubuntu—suggests a way of thinking, seeing, and acting in the world that we will explore in this section. 

Tutu refers to being charitable as being someone with “generosity.” Whether you call it charity or generosity, each word translates to giving of one’s self for another, for the greater good of the community. This can be the giving of one’s time or finances, or something as simple as offering nonjudgmental and kind words.

Through charity or generosity of self, we create a deeper sense of community with each other. We begin to see ourselves as one—one community—connected with each other through Ubuntu. We begin to understand, and to acknowledge, that we are interdependent in a respectful and supportive way.

As human beings, as a social clan, we have a need to live within supportive environments where we are nurtured and can thrive together, where there is a strong commitment to the well-being of the community as a whole. We are fundamentally designed to live this way. Being charitable towards one another is not just “a nice thing to do”; it is an imperative for our survival as humans, and for our well-being as a local and global community.

A WORKING DEFINITION OF “BEING CHARITABLE”

Based on your individual experiences, you may have your own meaning for the word charity, or charitable behavior. The definition that we shall use for this section of the Community Tool Box is that charitable behavior creates feeling, which leads one to act voluntarily with kindness or goodwill towards another.

There are a number of synonyms or similar words to describe charity or charitable behavior that may be more comfortable for you; perhaps they resonate more with your values and beliefs. Here are a few based on Merriam-Webster dictionary definitions:

• Altruism: “unselfish regard for or devotion to the welfare of other’s feelings and behavior that show a desire to help other people and a lack of selfishness”
• Benevolence: “disposition to do good: (a): an act of kindness, (b): a generous gift”
• Compassion: “a feeling of wanting to help someone who is sick, hungry, in trouble, etc.; sympathetic consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it”
• Generosity: “the quality of being kind, understanding, and not selfish: the quality of being generous; especially: willingness to give money and other valuable things to others”

That said, what words or phrases you use to define charity are not as important as taking some form of action to support those who are in need.

In your community, one person may volunteer six hours a month of his time to a homeless shelter, serving meals cheerfully and making everyone smile. Another person may donate money to the same shelter, yet never enter its doors. Another may offer her knowledge and skills by teaching a class on literacy once a month to the shelter’s clientele. All of these are examples of charity and of charitable behavior.

There are many ways one can be charitable to others. There is no one right way, only your way—the way that feels right for you.

Four Aspects of Charity

More specifically, some ways to be charitable include:

Time: Giving of one’s time, however long or short that may be. Giving time is not so much about quantity, as it is about quality—about being present with another to support them in a “hands on” way. This might mean serving meals in that shelter, helping out during disaster relief, volunteering to drive seniors to appointments, baking dinner for a sick neighbor, or any number of activities that help you get to know those you are serving.

Essence: Giving of one’s personal energy and vitality. You may have some personal qualities in abundance and want to share them with others – enthusiasm, hope, grace, gratitude, patience, love – or you may want to increase these qualities in your own life. Each of these qualities brings energy to the space you share with someone when you are truly present with them. Examples: Hearing an exhausted young mother laugh; listening patiently while a man struggles to share his story of being out of work; offering encouragement to someone who feels disheartened. Your own energy and vitality shifts to being more positive and optimistic when you share your authentic self with another.

Talent: Giving of one’s skills and knowledge, such as teaching, gardening, cooking, knitting, or singing; or sharing wisdom from life experience. Everyone has gifts and talents that they are passionate about. These talents come easily and give you joy when you have a chance to express and share them.

Money: Giving of one’s financial resources to provide aid, food, shelter, or clothing; or making a donation to a local or global cause. The sum of money given is not as important as the spirit of the gift. You could start off by giving what you can afford, knowing that even spare change is helpful, and then increase the amount when you are ready, willing, and able to do so.

You may want to take time to think about these four aspects of being charitable and evaluate which ones have most meaning for you and where to begin. You may also want to reflect on these questions:

• Do you have time, but limited funds to give; or do you have money, but limited time? What can do you for others with your time or money?
• Is taking a more personal approach, one where you would work side by side with others, more appealing to you; or do you prefer a more hands-off approach—where you give openhandedly, but don’t need or want to meet the recipients of your generosity?

There is no right or wrong answer—your answer is your personal choice. Once you determine what is most important to you, then you may want to begin by writing down some thoughts and ideas that come to mind on how you want to express your unique way of giving. Include names of people or organizations you may wish to support.   Being charitable doesn’t need to be complicated; a simple gesture can be meaningful to the receiver. Now you may be more ready to share yourself with others.

THE IMPORTANCE AND BENEFITS OF BEING CHARITABLE

Being Charitable Enriches the Giver and the Receiver

There are rewards to being charitable, both for the giver and the receiver. Not only are you being helpful to those in need, you are developing positive character traits and behaviors in yourself. Charitable work allows you to see life from someone else’s perspective—their struggles and hardships, their triumphs and strengths. It is a privilege to be a witness to another’s life. And in being one, you gain appreciation and gratitude for your own life.

Martha is a manager whose young husband developed an aggressive, terminal cancer. She had her hands and heart full nursing him at home and caring for their two small children. Her co-workers organized themselves, and together they provided dinner every day, not for a month, but every day for six months. Martha’s co-workers were witness to her hardship and struggle, and they responded. They appreciated a need greater than their own. They were inspired to draw on the positive character traits and qualities that live within us all—caring, generosity, selflessness.

Martha’s story showcases how the act of charity in a workplace makes it a community. Because of her co-workers, Martha was able to concentrate on what was important during those precious few months before her husband’s passing.

Many nonprofit community organizations devote themselves to helping those who are suffering from hardship. They seek compassionate volunteers; they offer them the privilege of witnessing someone else’s life by lending a helping hand. By sharing what gifts they have to offer, volunteers receive a gift—they discover and nurture the best within themselves.

On its website, the U.S.-based nonprofit Share the Care states, “Whether you are a burned out caregiver or a novice caregiver, or a friend who wants to help, you can benefit from a system that lets everyone share responsibilities, creates a strong support network among the individual caregivers, and leads to making a profound difference in someone’s life.”

Similar to other website resources like CaringBridge and Lotsa Helping Hands, Share the Care’s mission is connecting caring citizens with citizens going through difficult times in their lives. They are creating small temporary communities of giving within the larger community.

When you give yourself the privilege of being a kind presence in someone else’s life, you will make a difference in theirs and learn a quiet appreciation and gratitude for your own.

Charitable Behavior and the Golden Rule

We all wish to be treated with respect and dignity, and to feel valued and listened to. In the spirit of charity, we would strive to do the same for others. One way to look at this principle is through the lens of reciprocity, known to many as the “Golden Rule,” which states, “Do to others as you wish done to you.” Here is an ethical code that instructs us to treat others the way we would want to be treated.

Although different cultures and faith traditions might have different words and language, all human cultures have a version of the Golden Rule. It advises us to treat our neighbors, families, and colleagues as we would wish to be treated, and shows how we can all apply empathy, understanding, and right action as our moral guideposts.

Depending upon your age or upbringing, you might remember the Golden Rule (or something similar) being introduced into your school, as part of your family values, or as a faith-based principle. It is a universal ethic, with the power to cut across gender, culture, age, beliefs, and social-economic status.

Wisdom traditions, such as the Golden Rule, date far back in our collective history and are expressed in a multitude of societies – both as lay philosophies, and as the vital cornerstone of the vast majority of faith traditions.

The text box below showcases how the Golden Rule is expressed in different faiths. You may also enjoy listening to youth reading the many expressions of the Golden Rule on this video:

 

 

The Golden Rule in Different Faith Traditions

In alphabetical order, each reads:

• Baha’i Faith: “Lay not on any soul a load that you would not wish to be laid upon you, and desire not for anyone the things you would not desire for yourself.” Baha’u’llah Gleanings
• Buddhism: “Treat not others in ways that you yourself would find hurtful.” The Buddha, Udana-Varga 5:18
• Christianity: “In everything, do to others as you would have them do to you; for this is the law and the prophets.” Jesus, Matthew 7:12
• Confucianism:” One word which sums up the basis of all good conduct ~ loving kindness. Do not do to others what you do not want done to yourself.” Confucius Analects 15:23
• Hinduism: “This is the sum of duty: do not do to others what would cause pain if done to you.” Mahabharata 5:1517
• Islam: “Not one of you truly believes until you wish for others what you wish for yourself.” The Prophet Muhammad, Hadith
• Jainism: “One should treat all creatures in the world as one would like to be treated.” Mahavira, Sutrakritanga
• Judaism: “What is hateful to you, do not do to your neighbor. This is the whole Torah; all the rest in commentary.” Hillel, Talmud; Shabbat 31a
• Native Spirituality: “We are as much alive as we keep the earth alive.” Chief Dan George
• Sikhism: “I am a stranger to no one; and no one is a stranger to me. Indeed, I am a friend to all.” Guru Granth Sahib, p. 1299
• Taoism: “Regard your neighbor’s gain as our own gain, and your neighbor’s loss as your own loss.” Lao Tzu, T’ai Shang Kan Ying P’ien, 213-218
• Unitarianism: “We affirm and promote respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part.” Unitarian principle
• Zoroastrianism: “Do not do unto others whatever is injurious to yourself.” Shayast-na-Shayast 13.29

Applying the Golden Rule

The Golden Rule is reciprocal because of its “give and take” intention. Reciprocity is created when one positive action generates another positive action and the cycle continues—a charitable word inspires a charitable action, which inspires another and yet another. Imagine how business would be changed if this concept of reciprocity were applied. Or, consider how family dynamics would improve and conflicts could be resolved more readily. And then there are the communities that would come together in neighborhoods where currently the majority are strangers to one another.

In theory, of course, we all would support reciprocity and agree with the Golden Rule. However, it takes both discipline and dedication to make this a daily practice.

• It takes discipline to apply the Golden Rule to one’s life. If you did, would you have handled a particular situation differently?
• It takes discipline to apply the Golden Rule to social justice issues, education, business, or healthcare. If we did, would collaborating with stakeholders be different?
• If you embraced an expression of the Golden Rule, would you be able to act with more charity towards others? What would such action look and feel like to you?

The Golden Rule can be applied to almost any situation, whether it involves family, community, or profit and nonprofit organizations, no matter what their size. You may also want to look within your own community and contemplate how applying the concept of reciprocity may create a more sustainable approach to the environment.

The Golden Rule has the ability, when used as a value or belief, to gently pull you back to your true self, to who you are, how you want to be treated and how you want to treat others. If the philosophy of the Golden Rule resonates with you, then you may want to make some further explorations:

• In Toronto, Canada, the Scarboro Mission, a nonprofit organization, has dedicated its work to supporting interfaith dialogue. They apply the principle teaching of “do unto others” because it is a common message of hope woven into many cultures. The Scarboro Mission’s website has further useful non-denominational tools.
• The Golden Rule Project is another example of using the Golden Rule concept in schools; it provides excellent free resources to get you started.
• If you are interested in applying the Golden Rule in a variety of ways, you will find additional activities in the Tools section.

HOW BEING CHARITABLE IS GOOD FOR YOU

Recent Research

An abundance of research reveals that giving to others is just plain good for you. Research by the Greater Good Science Center in Berkeley, California, for instance, supports the beliefs that being generous with others makes us happy, is good for our health, promotes social connection, evokes gratitude, and is, surprisingly, contagious.

In addition, Dr. Stephen Post, Executive Director of the Unlimited Love Institute, a nonprofit organization, suggests that we are hardwired to be charitable. He says:

“There is a care-and-connection part of the brain. Brain studies show this profound state of joy and delight that comes from giving to others. It doesn't come from any dry action – where the act is out of duty in the narrowest sense, like writing a check for a good cause. It comes from working to cultivate a generous quality – from interacting with people. There is the smile, the tone in the voice, the touch on the shoulder. We're talking about altruistic love.”

You might begin your own research on the positive effects of being charitable to others by checking out the research done by these academic sources:

• Stanford University has established a world-renowned center aptly named the Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education (CCARE). Using a multidisciplinary approach, the Center’s objective is to conduct research on compassion and altruism.
• At the University of California, Berkeley, the Greater Good Science Center conducts research in compassion as well as the six additional topics of gratitude, mindfulness, forgiveness, happiness, empathy, and altruism. Using podcasts, articles, discussion forums, and events, the Center showcases its studies and many other outstanding bodies of research under one roof.
• New York’s Stony Brook University has founded the Center for Medical Humanities, Compassionate Care, and Bioethics. The Center works with over 40 universities to better understand and teach compassionate care and its positive side effects.

Positive Side Effects – “Helpers High”

Further research suggests that charitable behavior is the gift that keeps on giving back to the giver. “Helper’s High” is a common phrase that originated in the late 1980’s with Allan Luks, who at the time was the Executive Director of the global Big Brothers and Big Sisters organization. Luks was curious about the side effects of committing charitable acts and surveyed a sample of 3,000 adult volunteers. When the results came in, an astounding number of those surveyed – 95 percent – experienced positive sensations or feelings after volunteering their services.

Continuing his research in 2001, Luks and co-author Peggy Payne wrote a book called The Healing Power of Doing Good –The Health and Spiritual Benefits of Helping Others. The authors define Helper’s High as a “euphoric feeling, followed by a long period of calm, experienced after performing a kind act.” Their research also indicated that individuals who experience Helper’s High routinely reported that they experienced fewer colds, an increase in joy and self-esteem, less stress, and even less physical pain.

You have probably discovered after reading this section that it is pretty hard to find an excuse as to why being kind and charitable to others could possibly be bad for you. There is no downside to being of service to others, as it supports both you and the receiver.

BEING CHARITABLE AND ITS COMMUNITY CONSEQUENCES

Everyone has the opportunity to express themselves in a charitable way – from giving smiles, volunteering services, or donating money. All are impactful and generous acts in their own way and necessary in our complex world. With so many charitable ways to give, Charity Navigator aims to help givers make informed decisions about spending their time or money. Charity Navigator distinguishes charitable classifications, conducts evaluations, gives ratings, and then pulls all this information together to report on charities that have a regional and global impact.

Another organization, the World Giving Index run by Charities Aid Foundation (CAF) in the United Kingdom, has a mission “to motivate society to give ever more effectively, helping to transform lives and communities around the world.” Each year this Foundation studies 135 countries and ranks them based on the charitable behaviors and actions of their citizens performed in the last 30 days, specifically (1) donations of money, (2) volunteering of time, and (3) helping a stranger.

• If someone asked you these three questions about your charitable actions in the last 30 days, how would answer them?
• How would your business, nonprofit, or congregation answer as a group?

Current trends seem to be positive. Quoting directly from the Key Findings and Conclusions of the World Giving Index 2015 Report:

“This year’s index shows welcome increases in the numbers of people giving their money, volunteering their time and helping strangers...the index shows high levels of generosity in countries facing turmoil – reflecting a pattern of giving in post-conflict nations as people help others through the most difficult of times. And it shows people’s innate desire to help others, even in nations which do not have anything like the standard of living enjoyed in the West.”

Of the 135 countries, first place in the World Giving Index is shared by Myanmar and the United States.

Giving and Happiness

In addition, the World Giving Index survey also showed that happiness had more influence than wealth on how much money was given away. This finding connects well with other research, which shows us that the happier you are, the more optimistic you are about yourself, your actions, and those around you. In 2007, a study at Syracuse University noted that people with giving dispositions were 42 percent more likely than non-givers to declare they were “very happy” and 25 percent more likely to report they were “in excellent health.”

Happiness, it seems, instills us with a desire to make the world a better place. The inspiration to contribute to a deeper sense of belonging and community grows within.

• What do happiness and generosity look and feel like to you?
• Have you noticed that the happier you are, the more generous you are?

Focusing on Collective Happiness

There are communities that subscribe to cultivating collective happiness as a standard for living. The country of Bhutan has become known worldwide for the creation of the Gross National Happiness Index (GNH). The GNH index uses nine domains (psychological well-being, time use, community vitality, cultural diversity, ecological resilience, living standards, health, education, and good governance) to provide a breakdown of happiness that is in alignment with Bhutanese culture.

The GNH Index sees the pursuit of happiness as a community or collective happiness, although it is also experienced individually. Jigme Thinley, the first elected Prime Minister of Bhutan, spoke about the concept of happiness and community:

“We have now clearly distinguished the ‘happiness’ … in GNH from the fleeting, pleasurable ‘feel good’ moods so often associated with that term. We know that true abiding happiness cannot exist while others suffer, and comes only from serving others, living in harmony with nature, and realizing our innate wisdom and the true and brilliant nature of our own minds.”

SOME POTENTIAL CHALLENGES TO BEING CHARITABLE

Extending Charity Beyond the Home

One of the challenges of being charitable to others is where to begin. “Charity begins at home” is an ethic many have grown up with. For certain, we have a responsibility to care for our loved ones by taking care of family and relatives. However, in order for communities to flourish, we must strive to widen our circle to include others.

Karen Armstrong, author of Twelve Steps to a Compassionate Life, writes, "We are all intimately connected globally. Charity begins at home but can't end there. We must have concern for everyone.”

You may want to think about ways to explore this concept of charity by extending your goodwill to those you don't know in your immediate vicinity. Some examples:

• Offer to watch the home of next-door neighbors while they are away.
• Shovel snow for an elderly couple.
• Volunteer your talents to mentor youth at a community center.
• Support local environmental groups by picking up litter in parks or planting trees.

It is important to look around your neighborhood—is there anywhere you can see an immediate need?

The Latin word for charity is “caritas,” meaning “unconditional love.” Loving your neighbor as yourself and giving generously in some way to those in need are expressions of a compassionate person; they are core beliefs woven into religious and secular traditions around the world.

Seeking Charitable Models

There are many ways to give, based on traditions, personal beliefs, and values. Many people wonder if how or what they gives matters.

We know we can measure the amount of money people donate. Yet, it seems that something else truly powerful plays a deeper role in giving. Monetary data may be helpful, educational, and enlightening, but do they capture the full essence of charitable action? Perhaps not, for in addition to giving money, people generally want to make a difference in the lives of others.

Consider the following example: Giving Tuesday, the global day of charity, was launched in 2012. Individuals, businesses, and nonprofits have jumped on board to belong to something bigger than themselves. In a few short years, Giving Tuesday has grown to include 68 countries. Its official website reads, “We have a day for giving thanks. We have two for getting deals (Black Friday and Cyber Monday). Now, we have #GivingTuesday, a global day dedicated to giving back.”

The first Tuesday in December is a designated day during which “charities, families, businesses, community centers, and students around the world will come together for one common purpose: to celebrate generosity and to give. It’s a simple idea. Just find a way for your family, your community, your company, or your organization to come together to give something more. Then tell everyone you can about how you are giving. Join us and be a part of a global celebration of a new tradition of generosity.”

Giving Tuesday asks people to do one charitable act on that day as a run-up to Christmas Day. If you don’t celebrate Christmas, there are many other holidays that Giving Tuesday can be attached to. The organizers of this online movement want to “spread the word that Giving Tuesday is a movement for everyone who wants to give something back.” This giving back can take multiple forms: volunteering one’s time, making a financial donation to your favorite charity, or giving a helping hand to a neighbor locally or globally.

You may also want to learn more about the Compassion Games, designed to create a fun community-driven initiative around committing acts of kindness in the spirit of “coopetition” instead of competition.

The Crossroads of Charity: Fix, Help, or Serve

In recent years the question "how can I help?" has become more meaningful to many people as they expand their awareness from “charity begins at home” to their community at large. As this shift takes place in your life, perhaps there is a deeper question you might consider. Perhaps the real question is not "how can I help?" but, rather, “how can I be of service?"

There are clearly times when you can fix a situation for some people. For example, you might donate some of your family’s food or clothing to people affected by a local disaster. There are other times when you can help another person out of a tough situation – so you might help a senior to run errands after an operation; or, as the owner of a local sandwich shop, you might sell sandwich tokens to your customers to give to the poor or homeless in your area. There are also times and places where you might serve by giving of your skills or expertise to a community organization – for instance, by coaching a football team of at-risk youth, or by being on the board of a local co-operative.

All of these – fixing, helping, and serving – are good and necessary in different places and times. At a deeper level, fixing, helping, and serving are also related to how we see the intended recipient of our charity; and therein lies the opportunity for self-reflection by all of us who give to and for other people.

As the giver of charity, you may want to spend some time discerning how you approach fixing, helping, and serving. Dr. Rachel Naomi Remen (www.rachelremen.com), a Clinical Professor of Family and Community Medicine at the UCSF School of Medicine, notes an important distinction among the three. The key is that we are all equal human beings. Charity should bring us together, not drive us farther apart.

Here are some thoughts of Dr. Remen’s, adapted for this section, for you to consider further:

Fixing: When we choose to “fix” something we need to keep in mind that many things do require fixing; however, people are not gadgets or things. When we choose to “fix” someone, we run the risk of treating them as being broken, or judging them for not being perfect, somehow incomplete. There is a time and place where fixing a situation is imperative. Be careful of your intentions, however, if you give your time, talents, or treasure because you believe that the recipients need to be “fixed.” While fixing might alleviate someone’s pain in the short term, in the long term it may hurt and demean the recipient.

Helping: When we choose to “help,” we need to be careful not to create a relationship founded on seeing one another as unequal, thus creating an imbalance of power. If I see you as needing my “help,” I may perceive you as weaker than I am. Dr. Remen reminds us that “People feel this inequality. When we help we may inadvertently take away from people more than we could ever give them; we may diminish their self-esteem, their sense of worth, integrity, and wholeness.”

Helping in the moment may well be lifesaving; however, over the long term, seeing the recipient as needing your help may cause anger, resentment, and damage to the relationship. It is important to keep the self-respect of the recipient of our charitable act intact when we choose to fix or help in the short term.

Serving: On the other hand, when we make a decision to “serve” others, we are recognizing that we have all had difficult lives in different ways. Each of us has limitations and triumphs. In serving, we choose to see ourselves and others as whole. We use our life experiences to serve others, and when we serve from the whole of who we are, we strengthen and grow. We know we are not defined by our circumstances—we are all equals to one another. We are connected. And Dr. Remen says, "We can only serve that to which we are profoundly connected.”

Serving happens when I am more engaged with the recipient and know more about who they are. Serving, for example, might be exemplified by a banker who offers free budgeting advice to single mothers so they can better manage their money. The banker knows that she or he will have to spend some time with the single mothers to give them the best advice for their financial needs.

On the surface then, fixing, helping, or serving all have their place. We are more effective in our charity, though, when we are being present for another. When we treat each other as equals, we imbue ourselves with purpose and offer belonging and hope to others. And when we let someone know, “You are important and I am here for you,” charity can then become magical.

• In being charitable to others, have you noticed whether you tend to perceive people differently when you are “fixing,” “helping,” or “serving”?
• Upon reflection, how does Dr. Remen’s model resonate with how you see or are present with others?
• Is there anything you would want to do differently to meet the sustainable needs of your clients or community? If so, what might that be, and how would you >express it?

Fixing, helping, and serving are all acts of being charitable in different ways. What is most important is to offer up compassion, a non-judgmental place of accepting people exactly where they are in life, not where you think they could or should be. Being charitable can be difficult, because we may not be certain of what to do or say when a fellow human being is afflicted with any form of pain or discomfort. The key is to listen—and to know that your presence alone will speak volumes for you.

HOW TO BECOME MORE CHARITABLE

Choosing the Best Way to Give

Mother Teresa offered up enough charity for many lifetimes with her humanitarian efforts. She offered this advice about giving from abundance versus acting with abundance. She said: “Do not give from your abundance. I don’t want your money. Let us not be satisfied with just giving money. Money is not enough, money can be got, but they [those in need] need your hearts to love them."

She went on to encourage people to make physical efforts to help the impoverished and to spend time with them, rather than simply writing a check. Mother Teresa’s reflections on giving are thought-provoking when considering whether you want to make a financial donation, give your time, or a combination of both. We have discussed how meaningful and personal interaction and reciprocity are in community building. Charity may be like trying on different coats until you find the right fit for you and the recipient of your kindness.

Perhaps you’ve heard of the old adage that if you give a person a fish, they will eat for a day, but if you teach them to fish, they will eat for a lifetime. Yet, there are many for whom a donation can be a “hand-up” rather than merely a “hand-out.” When considering the many varied ways to be charitable, you may want to assess each situation on its own merits, making a conscious choice of whether the situation warrants giving a person a “hand-out,” such as a shelter bed for the night, or a more sustainable long-term “hand-up,” such as creating affordable housing.

The list of ways to give is endless—from your local village to your global community. If you wish to express yourself charitably through sharing financially, here are a few ideas to get you started:

• A starting choice point is whether you choose to give to a particular cause you care about, or to a multi-purpose charity. Especially if it’s a single cause, you might wish to research the performance of that charity on sites such as Charity Navigator. If you prefer a multi-purpose charity, the United Way is one of many that are well known; its mission is to “improve lives and build community by engaging individuals and mobilizing collective action.”
• Another form of charitable giving involves “micro lending” (for example, Kiva, Global Giving, or FINCA, where start-up small enterprises in various parts of the world are funded directly with the understanding they must pay back the loan. You can sometimes decide to whom you want to loan your money.
• There is also much talk and action about moving away from this “middle man” version to a more direct method from the giver to the receiver, which involves a more human touch and lasting approach. For example, Mobile Movement is an app that connects entrepreneurs in the so-called developing world with entrepreneurs in the so-called developed world in real time, using smartphones for investment, advice, collaboration, and co-learning.
• In addition, you can consider crowdfunding as a means to fund a project or venture by raising money for your cause from large groups of people using the internet. Three examples of well-established crowdfunding sites are Kickstarter, Indiegogo, and Gofundme.

Using the Four-Step RISE Framework

Some people have more time, some have more money; therefore, a variety of ways and means to act charitably is important, based on what works for you.

Investment specialist Warren Buffett, together with Rebecca Riccio, Director of the Social Impact Lab at Northeastern University, has created a free online program called Giving with Purpose to help people decide. Riccio created a method using the acronym RISE, which is a powerful framework for supporting community building. In her RISE practice, there are four questions to be considered when wanting to “give with a purpose” and help people make clearer decisions on where to invest their energy or dollars:

1. Relevance: Is the work meaningfully connected to the community, the stakeholders it serves, and the need it addresses?
2. Impact: Is the work making a difference?
3. Sustainability: Is the organization financially viable?
4. Excellence in Management Operations: Is the organization built to get the job done?

Consider the organizations, regardless of size, to which you have previously been charitable.

• Have they met these RISE criteria?
• Are these criteria important to you? Why or why not?
• Are some criteria more important than others?
• Are there other criteria you would suggest?

As you learn more about being charitable to others, you may want to think about bringing a group of people together who want to begin a conversation, and to deepen the dialogue on what you value about charity work, what you have learned thus far, and potential next steps.

Adapting and Changing Your Charitable Strategy

Being charitable to others may be as brief as a one-time interaction with someone, such as giving up your seat on the bus to an elderly gentleman; or it may be a long-term project that takes months or even years to reach fruition. Depending on the circumstances, you may want to use different methods for different situations.

Engaging in Socially Responsible Buying: The Charitable Consumer

Another way to increase our charitable consciousness and actions is to become more aware and thoughtful about what we purchase. In a global economy, what and how we choose to buy affects not only us as consumers, but, more importantly, affects the sellers.

• When you purchase merchandise, are you mindful of how the makers of the merchandise and the planet are treated?
• Do you have ethical criteria to guide what you purchase? Do you know how the product was grown or made, or if wages and trade were fair and principled?
• Are the products or services you purchase in alignment with your values? And do these products, services, and values have a positive impact on individuals and communities locally and globally?
• Is there room to express the Golden Rule in your buying habits?

A general term for socially responsible buying is “Fair Trade”—where purchases are justly traded to benefit all (producers, traders, consumers, and workers) fairly. In making a fair trade, we are making a connection between the product and its maker. We are remembering we are purchasing something made by a member of our larger community. We are contributing to everyone’s health and economic sustainability through buying responsibly.

Many of the products we purchase are from developing countries where the farmers, artisans, and factory workers are living and working in impoverished conditions. Where coffee and bananas are grown, there are Fair Trade associations supporting everything from improved education and environmental preservation to health care and community infrastructures. Coffee and bananas are just two examples of products where socially responsible buying can have an impact.

Other ways to blend socially conscious buying with charity are to buy products that give back usable dollars to worthy causes, or to invest in ethical funds that support companies practicing a “Triple Bottom Line” approach of helping people, profits, and the planet.

The late American author and founder of The Human Kindness Foundation, Bo Lozoff, wrote:

“In the midst of global crises such as pollution, wars and famine, kindness may too easily be dismissed as a soft issue or a luxury to be addressed after more urgent problems are solved. But kindness is in the greatest of need in all those areas, kindness toward the environment, toward other nations, and toward the needs of people suffering. Simple kindness may be the most vital key to the riddle of how human beings can live with each other and care properly for this planet we all share.”

We share this planet, and kindness and charitable acts are about taking a holistic approach to how we treat our global community. Being mindful of our purchases is an easy and less time-consuming way of practicing kindness and charity. We know intuitively this may have a limited return emotionally for the giver, yet it still has an impact and makes a difference—one cup of coffee or one investment at a time.

Teaching Children to Be Generous

Being generous is a part of being charitable—“she was generous with her time to help others.” But being charitable is bigger than simply being generous. It is an ethic, a way of being in the world—a way of being that takes one outside of the self, and towards other people. This ethic can be taught to children.

Generosity, as one kind of charitable behavior, is a simple concept for children to understand. Teaching children to be kind and generous in their words and actions towards others is vital for their learning how to thrive in the communities they will live in as they mature.

Michael practiced being generous to others when he turned eight years old. What young boy doesn’t want a birthday party and a room full of presents and fun? But Michael believed in the power of sharing with others less fortunate than himself. He felt he had enough toys; so he asked all his party friends to bring a gift for kids who couldn’t afford birthday parties. Then he donated all of his presents to a local children’s charity.

 

A Charitable 10 Year Old: Another great example of children’s generosity is Xavier Elliot. From his own experience of poverty, he started to use his allowance to buy fabric to make clothes for homeless kids. Xavier found a way to use his own personal background to give back.

 

 

Is there anything from your own early (or more recent) experience to support you to be more charitable? Does your own experience influence what direction or way you would want to be more charitable to others?

You may want to consider different ways to inspire generosity in your children or children you work with:

• Teach children random acts of kindness, by giving their time and actions without expecting any reward in return.
• Take on a family or group project, such as raking leaves or shoveling snow for an elderly neighbor, or learning to be kind to pets at a local animal shelter.
• Look up charitable organizations online and discuss what they are doing.
• Consider raising money for a specific charity, or encourage children to contribute a portion of their allowance.
• Talk about generosity and kindness at the dinner table, at school, or playtime.
• Allow children to pick their favorite food when grocery shopping and donate it to the food bank.
• Encourage reading books about kind and compassionate heroes.
• Have children donate their unused toys and clothing.
• Model positive and generous behaviors; then praise those behaviors in children when you observe them.

In addition, you may consider finding your own ways to celebrate national holidays in your own country that relate to the topic of charity. This is an excellent place to begin, by using those special occasions as teaching tools for positive behaviors and values. Three examples include:

• Martin Luther King Day, in the United States
• Gandhi Jayanti, to celebrate Mahatma Gandhi’s legacy in India
• Nelson Mandela National Day, in South Africa

One can draw from a large list, both locally and globally.

To educate children further on this topic, the global website of the Charter for Compassion is full of excellent global initiatives and resources for children and adults to learn more about compassion to others.

Setting a Giving Intention

One additional way to become more charitable, and to put these types of ideas into action, is setting a giving intention or purpose in your own life.

You might begin with an action closer to home—perhaps helping out a neighbor or writing a thank-you note to someone who has made a difference in your life. Express to them how important they are, how much you appreciate them, and for what reasons. Some other suggestions:

• Make a commitment. Kindness is contagious. Pledge to become a positive role model in your community, at work, in your personal life, or globally.
• Apply any of the Four Aspects of Charity (time, essence, talent, and money). Apply one that fits your personality or one that means the most to you. Try out all four methods to discover which one is most comfortable. Consider tackling one that makes you stretch as well.
• Expand your thoughts and actions outwards. Make a sincere effort to reflect the behaviors of a kind and giving person, such as assisting a friend or colleague who feels overwhelmed. Ask what you could do to be of service to them.
• Combine your methods of giving. Once the choice has been made to give, try mixing your methods so you are being generous both with your financial donation and your spirit, by giving of yourself in a “hands-on” way—roll up your sleeves and become more personally involved.
• Look around your community. Working alongside others in your community creates a deeper sense of belonging. Begin with researching charitable causes or people you are passionate about serving. Your choice should be one that you know you can connect with either on a short- or long-term basis. Volunteer your talents and skills to make a difference to this individual or group.
• Don’t judge what you can do—just do something. Start giving in small ways. A few dollars or a can of food goes a long way when added together with a collection of other donations. Communities thrive because of many small acts of kindness that make up a greater whole.
• Create positive giving habits. Random acts of charity and kindness are great; making them a conscious habit and a way of life is even better. Make it a practice to do something good for someone, or something, a minimum of two or three times a week.
• Invite in uncomfortable situations. You may not also know what to do or say, and that is okay. Remember that your actions will speak louder than words. Aim to reach out to those who make you feel uneasy, or perhaps that you may have some judgments about. By talking with a homeless person as an example, you will begin to break down barriers that cause separation and start to connect as human beings.

In Summary

Throughout this section, we have discussed various ways to be more giving and generous with our time and resources. We’ve noted the benefits to the giver and the phenomenon of “Helpers High” from our kind acts. And we’ve learned that being charitable to others is an intentional choice we make to contribute to the world around us in a more meaningful way. Having surveyed these topics, what general conclusions might we draw?

One basic conclusion is that charitable giving varies; it draws upon our own individuality. His Holiness the Dalai Lama says that “each of us has been granted a precious life and each day upon awakening our first thought should be that we are fortunate to have woken up this day and that we are very much alive. I am not going to waste it.” He further instructs us to tell ourselves. “I am going to use all of my energies to develop myself and to expand my heart out to others. I am going to benefit others as much as I can.” This can be done in many individual ways.

The Dalai Lama’s words may appear to set a lofty standard, and yet we cannot shift the current state of our world, locally or globally, unless we choose to make a positive contribution. Everyone has a desire for a deeper sense of connection with others.

We may also heed the words of Mother Teresa, who told an audience at the United Nations that there are many people throughout the world who are “unwanted, unloved, uncared for, and forgotten by everybody…I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat.” Mother Teresa’s comments apply across all cultures around the world, where many are starved from social isolation and loneliness. There is a great need for nourishment of the soul through connection and community as well as food for the physical body.

Every day, in our homes, communities, and workplaces, there is someone who requires the warmth of care, someone to unconditionally accept or forgive, or another who may require a little more patience from us in that moment. Certainly, there is no shortage of settings in which to deliver a charitable act or to hold a compassionate space for others.

What contribution will you make in being charitable to others in the next 48 hours? How can you make a difference, one person and one kind act at a time? You can begin now!

 

Olivia McIvor has spent three decades as an Organization Development specialist supporting cultures to promote connection, compassion, and community in business. She is a leadership facilitator, speaker, and author of three best-selling books: "The Business of Kindness," "Four Generations-One Workplace," and "Turning Compassion into Action." Olivia lives in Vancouver, Canada.

Tool: The Golden Rule: Additional Activities

If you are interested in exploring the Golden Rule further, here are a few additional activities:

• We suggest putting aside particular religious affiliations and concentrating on the message of the Golden Rule. One way to do this is to cover up the actual name of the faith and note only the meaning that has been written.
• Make note if there are particular words or phrases that resonate with you more than others.
• Invite children to express the Golden Rule concept through art and other creative forms.
• Hold a discussion about the Golden Rule. Can you think of times when you have lived up to these words in their entirety, as well as times when you would have chosen a different way?
• You may also want to hold a dialogue about each statement in a group setting, inviting people to explore the statements further and discuss their significance to their community and charitable work.

Image from Reconciliation Regina, a community-led process of reconciliation to honor, acknowledge, and accept responsibility for, to own, and participate in redressing the harm done from residential schools.

 

This section has grown out of the work of The Forgiveness Project, www.theforgivenessproject.com. This and other sections in the Tool Box chapter on Spirituality and Community Building (Chapter 28) have been written with the support and contributions of experts connected with the Charter for Compassion, www.charterforcompassion.org.

 

Introduction

Forgiveness and reconciliation can occur in every sphere of human experience, including individual, community, national, and trans-national levels. In this section of the Community Tool Box, we will explore these common yet complicated aspects of our human existence, describe their importance for personal and community well-being, and illustrate, with many real-life stories, how they might be applied in positive ways to heal and strengthen both individuals and communities.

In any discussion about forgiveness and reconciliation, it is important to make a distinction between the two before analyzing each of them in greater detail. On the one hand, forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciling with the wrongdoer. There may be good reasons why you do not wish to reconcile. Reconciliation is an additional choice. On the other hand, it is nearly impossible to reconcile with someone you have not gone some way to forgive.

We begin with some general thoughts about forgiveness and reconciliation, and their place in the spiritual and community worlds.

• Forgiveness is both a process and a choice, and may be both intrapersonal and interpersonal. It is a complex and enigm­atic concept, hard to pin down because it can apply in different ways to different situations; not everyone experiences it in the same manner. For some, it may result in reducing a personal hurt that makes life easier; for others, it may mean reconciling with an enemy and being able to live side by side again.
• If legislated or regulated in any way, forgiveness may become fraught with difficulty. As Richard Wilson, whose sister was murdered in Burundi, put it: “In Burundi, the rhetoric of forgiveness has been used by politicians to avoid accountability.” Similarly, John Braithwaite, a pioneer of the Restorative Justice movement, wrote: “Forgiveness is a gift victims can give. We destroy its power as a gift by making it a duty.” This means that any group movement towards forgiveness might best start with individual storytelling, without any coercion to forgive.
• However, community leaders should also understand that if community members – including both authorities and civilians – adopt a forgiving attitude, that can be a very useful public health and community-building tool; multiple studies have shown that forgiveness produces better health outcomes, helps sustain good relationships, and reduces anxiety (Exline et al, 2003; Luskin, 2002; Worthington and Scherer, 2004).
• Forgiveness may require relinquishing something that was important to you, such as giving up your moral indignation, your desire for retaliation, or your attachment to being right. Yet forgiveness is useful to community building, because people who forgive tend to be more flexible and less certain in their expectations, both in how life will be or how others will treat them. Forgiving people have chosen not to perpetuate a historical grievance; they are somehow able to turn the page, loosen themselves from the grip of the past, and reframe their own story.

• Even though there is no set method to teach forgiveness, many academics and practitioners have devised processes for people to explore on their own forgiveness journeys (Enright, 2001; Luskin, 2002; Tutu & Tutu, 2014). To persuade people to forgive who have no interest in such processes can place yet another burden on victims. But in that situation, what community builders can do is to enter into a reconciliation process by listening to the story and the pain of the “other,” then start to build empathy and understanding.
   
• Reconciliation in the context of community building assumes a need, a will, or an actual effort made on the part of an individual or a group of people to live side-by-side in peace with a person or another group they had considered to be their adversaries in the past.
• However, granting that forgiveness may aid reconciliation, it is not always a condition for the latter to unfold. There may be pragmatic reasons for communities to make a conscious decision not to seek to punish or retaliate. This is a form of “pardoning,” which may lead to reconciliation but is different from forgiveness. Just as a victim may forgive a perpetrator serving a prison sentence but still see the necessity for them to be incarcerated, equally a victim may still feel resentment towards a perpetrator but see the practical sense of not doing anything about it in order to end a cycle of violence.
• Finally, while forgiveness may be considered one’s own private business – a visceral and intimate process – reconciling with others who caused you harm or whom you hurt is an outward gesture made to re-connect with others and to renew relationships. In this sense, reconciliation lies at the heart of building and maintaining peace in a community, especially in promoting local reconciliation initiatives between divided communities and the reintegration of people released from prison back into society.
• In time, people may realize that holding on to resentment has a cost (both personally and communally), and therefore instead choose to release their bitterness and anger. Only then they can start to work on ways of developing plans to repair the harm.

With this orientation in mind, we turn to examine some key questions relating to forgiveness, reconciliation, and their community applications.

What do we mean by forgiveness and reconciliation?

Forgiveness

Definition

Forgiveness is the principled decision to give up your justified right for revenge; it also requires the forgiver to recognize that the offender is “human like myself.” As the British philosopher and poet David Whyte has written: “It is that wounded…un-forgetting part of us that…makes forgiveness an act of compassion rather than one of simple forgetting.” Following hurt, pain, or atrocity, forgiveness can potentially bring resolution and freedom. It is a practical way of preventing the pain of the past from defining the path of the future.

Categories

Forgiveness is often categorized as having two distinct forms:

• Unilateral forgiveness: This requires nothing in return. It is an act of generosity on the part of the victim(s). There can be many different motives; for instance, it may stem from compassion for an offender, the wish to free oneself from pain, or simply a pragmatic means of moving forward.
• Bilateral forgiveness: This involves an exchange. It is a contractual relationship between people or groups, dependent on apology and remorse. It is often tied up with justice, as it involves the paying of a social debt.

It's important to recognize that if you attach too many conditions to forgiveness it may become almost the opposite, with characteristics akin to being vengeful or vindictive.

Some Key Points about Forgiveness

• Process: Forgiveness is not a single magnanimous gesture in response to an isolated offense, but a longer-term, fluid, and ever-changing process where people work towards repairing broken relationships, or broken hearts.
• Recognition: Forgiveness is about recognizing that life is messy and unpredictable – that we are all fallible human beings capable of messing up. It requires a broad perspective.
• Empathy: Forgiveness is more than just accepting or letting go, because it requires a degree of empathy or compassion. It is the ability to place yourself in someone else’s life (empathy) and to act according to this empathic connection you feel towards your fellow human beings (compassion).
• Reconciliation: Forgiveness is different from reconciliation, which requires some kind of peace process and the coming together in unity of two or more formerly hostile sides.

​It’s important to note that forgiveness does not exclude a passionate or painful response to being hurt, or witnessing others being hurt. Anger, sorrow, rage, and despair are a part of the process, and may be the launching pad for forgiveness. Essentially, this means that we do not endlessly replay past gripes and grievances; it is rather the ability to live with the hurt without being held captive by it; it means not being defined by those who have hurt us and not being broken by our own victimhood.

Common Themes in Forgiveness

It would be a mistake to impose a false uniformity onto highly diverse forgiveness perspectives. Forgiveness can be viewed as a cognitive process, a narrative or journey, a philosophical position, or a combination of these. However, definitions of forgiveness have tended to express some commonality. Sells and Hargrave (1998) conducted an extensive literature review of empirical and theoretical forgiveness studies. They found that every definition or theory of forgiveness they encountered contained each of the following underlying principles:

• There is an injury or violation with subsequent emotional or physical pain.
• The violation results in a broken or fragmented relationship between parties.
• Perpetuation of injury is halted.
• A cognitive process is pursued where the painful event or action is understood or reframed with a fuller context.
• There is a release or letting go of justifiable emotion and retaliation related to the event.
• There is a regeneration of the relationship.

​Regeneration does not necessarily occur, especially when the offender cannot be communicated with (for any of a variety of reasons). But the first five elements, when combined, are good starting points in a discussion about the process of forgiveness.

Reconciliation

Definition

Reconciliation refers to the restoration of fractured relationships by overcoming grief, pain, and anger. It is, as Karen Broenus has written, “a societal process that involves mutual acknowledgment of past suffering and the changing of destructive attitudes and behavior into constructive relationships toward sustainable peace.”

The path toward reconciliation can also be described as a lifelong journey going in two directions: inward, towards self-discovery and reconciling with suffering, and outward, toward recognizing and perhaps forgiving others. It is both an intrapersonal and an interpersonal exercise, each aspect advancing the more deeply a person discovers that reconciliation is possible both within and without.

Some Key Points about Reconciliation

Reconciliation can be seen as a five-step process, including:

1. Developing a shared vision of an interdependent and fair society
2. Acknowledging and dealing with the past
3. Building positive relationships
4. Facilitating significant cultural and attitudinal change
5. Enabling substantial social, economic, and political change.

Reconciliation can also involve the reframing of identity.

Typically, this also has key elements and steps, often including:

1. Understanding the threat to people’s identity
2. Seeking to move individuals from singular affiliation to multiple identity; e.g., away from “I am a Serb” to “I am a Serb, a European, a civil rights activist, a trade unionist…etc.”
3. Deconstructing or reconstructing an individual’s identity frames
4. Separating group and individual identities
5. Dismantling of enemy images and misrepresentations that demonize the “other”
6. Looking for a common vision or threat around which to unite.

What is the importance of forgiveness for Community Building?

• Forgiveness can bring new insights
• Forgiveness can help transform attitudes
• Forgiveness can help repair broken relationships
• Forgiveness can help break the cycle of violence

​Individuals choose forgiveness for a number of reasons in times of hurt and trauma. In his book Unattended Sorrow, Stephen Levine writes that when trauma disturbs our future, deeper psychological wounds may persist; and “Long after the shrapnel is removed, the inner war continues” (Levine, 2005, p. 67).

For some, forgiveness is a personal decision as part of their own self-healing process: Forgiveness liberates people from the resentment and anger that they have carried with them. Some feel inspired to forgive, because they experience compassion for those who have hurt them; others see a spiritual value in forgiveness, because they recognize that we are all connected and are therefore each individual is in some way responsible for the pain in the world.

When it comes to the specific role forgiveness may play in community building, we can offer these propositions:

• Forgiveness can contribute to creating a foundation for dialogue.
• It can help release bitterness and anger, and facilitate the re-humanization of the “other.” This is key to the reconciliation process, which cannot happen without eradicating dehumanization.
• It can induce a shift in mindsets and transform harmful attitudes.
• It can build bridges between opposing parties, and help repair fractured relationships.
• It can help break the cycle of violence, aid post-traumatic reconciliation, build a more peaceful common future, and ultimately sustain peace.

​Forgiveness Can Bring New Insights

A first step in community building is recognizing that we are all capable of harm, given the right circumstances. The Russian author and dissident Alexander Solzhenitsyn wrote in The Gulag Archipelago: “If only there were evil people somewhere insidiously committing evil deeds, and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?” (Solzhenitsyn. 2003, p. 75).

[Note: Citations for the case examples to follow are found under the “Online Resources” heading at the end of this section.]

Case Example: Bosnia

When Kemal Pervanic, a survivor of the notorious Omarska concentration camp in Bosnia, returned to Bosnia some years after the end of the war, he recognized the cruellest of his former Serb camp guards standing by the road hitch-hiking. The image caused Pervanic to react in way that might seem surprising – he started to laugh. “What else could I do?” he explains. “I didn’t want to swear or scream or get violent. I laughed because I remembered the monster this man had been. But now, hitch-hiking alone on a dusty road, he looked almost pitiful. People describe these people as monsters, born with a genetically mutant gene, but I don’t believe that. I believe every human being is capable of killing.”

Forgiveness Can Help Transform Attitudes

Forgiveness and reconciliation in this context are therefore about shifting and even transforming people’s attitudes, prejudices, and perceptions about the “other.” Forgiveness isn’t an act of kindness born out of the victim’s generosity, but rather a re-humanizing gift emphasizing the humanity of the perpetrator. In other words, it is about reducing fear through the recognition of the human being in “the enemy.” In the softening of positions comes the acknowledgement and possibility of each side’s complicity.

Forgiveness Can Help Repair Broken Relationships

Another way forgiveness and reconciliation promote community building is that they allow people who were once hostile towards one another to live together again. Forgiving past wrongs may be a key to reconciliation between friends, family members, spouses, neighbors, races, cultures, and nations. More complete reconciliation means that we engage co-participants honestly and respectfully in the construction of a newer world through meaningful and faithful relationships. The process results in decreased motivation to retaliate or maintain estrangement from an offender despite his or her actions.

Case Example: Senegal

Salimata Badji-Knight was brought up in a Muslim community in Senegal, where she was circumcised at the age of five. “Today my three sisters work with me to stop the practice of female genital mutilation (FGM). Even my mother now understands that it’s a violation of human rights and has told me that she had never wanted to put me through FGM and had done everything in her power to protect me. Hearing this made me happy, as it created a closer relationship between the two of us and I no longer blame her for what happened to me.

In addition, before he died, I was able to have a good talk with my father. I opened my heart to him and explained how female circumcision could affect you physically and mentally. He cried and said that no woman had ever explained the suffering to him. Then he apologized and asked for forgiveness. The next day he called my relatives in Senegal and told them to stop the practice. As a result, a meeting was cancelled and 50 girls were saved.”

Forgiveness Can Help Break the Cycle of Violence

Finally, forgiveness can help end violence. “It is the responsibility of the living to heal the dead.” Alexandra Asseily, founder of the Centre for Lebanese Studies in Oxford and creator of the Garden of Forgiveness in Lebanon, has spoken and written extensively about the repetitive nature of conflict; that consciously (and unconsciously) held grievances are received by each new generation through an ancestral bond that can only be released through forgiveness and compassion.

Case Example: Lebanon

Asseily has described the deep ancestral connection she felt with the “agony of war,” which manifested in her own life during the civil war in Lebanon between 1975 and 1990. She has spoken about the horror of seeing her good Christian friends destroying everything she had worked for with their Muslim neighbors. “I saw grievances being played out that went back to the Crusades,” she said, explaining why she would not wear a cross for 20 years. “It was after I came to London that I tried to make sense of my life and started to ask the question, ‘What is it that makes me at the same time human and inhuman?’”

In a similar vein, Kay Pranis, a pioneer of restorative justice in the United States, is convinced that while the victim has a right not to reconcile with the wrongdoer, the community must accept an offender when he or she transitions from prison back into the neighborhood (Cantacuzino, 2013, p. 10). “It is the community’s responsibility to reconcile with the one who has harmed, because if they do not, they set up the next victimization,” she says.

In both of the above examples, as well as in the case of the Israeli Rami Elhanan, citizens who may not be directly responsible for a conflict nevertheless take responsibility for repairing the harm. This recognition of the interconnection of all human life seems a key component of forgiveness. As the psychologist Erik Erikson (1902-1994), famous for his work on the conceptualization of identity, put it: “Living together means more than incidental proximity. It means that the individual’s life-stages are ‘interliving,’ cogwheeling with the stages of others which move him along as he moves them” (Erikson, 1964, p. 114).

What Are Favorable Conditions for Forgiveness and Reconciliation in Community Building?

There are three in particular:

• In post-conflict situations (i.e., not being in the midst of active conflict)
• In peace-building
• When the law is inadequate​

In Post-conflict Situations

Forgiveness can help reconcile two opposing sides in almost any situation. However, in the midst of violent conflict it may not be safe or expedient to talk about forgiveness. It is a concept that irks some people, and to suggest forgiveness when past grievances are currently being played out – when people are hell-bent on survival on the one hand, whilst destroying the enemy on the other – may be insensitive and counter-productive.

In Peace-building

Forgiveness can be a critical ingredient in rebuilding broken relationships and repairing damaged communities. It can be an important part of any peace-building process, and sometimes the only thing that can help divided communities move toward reconciliation. Festering trauma so easily has the capacity to become festering dehumanization; since both sides may believe there is risk in equality, they therefore adopt fear-based thinking such as: “If you’re equal to me, then you may harm me.” Sometimes it takes something radical like empathy, forgiveness, and reconciliation to break this impasse.

Case Example: England

Denise Green’s son died in 1992 in Alder Hey Children’s Hospital in Liverpool, U.K., where his organs were later used, without her permission, for research purposes. News of what had happened to Denise and hundreds of other bereaved parents caused a national scandal in England in the late 1990s with headlines such as, “Burying your baby once is bad enough – to do it again is just agony.”

Denise’s fury in the end led to forgiveness, a positive decision which not only healed her but restored relationships with the professionals. “I chose forgiveness because I did not want to be destroyed by bitterness,” she says. “What happened was out of my control, but how I respond is within my control. Subsequently, the medical profession hasn’t shut me out. I can sit down and talk to pathologists because I’m not out to attack them. They realize I want to listen and learn. And they too have learned from me.”

When the Law is Inadequate

Forgiveness can be especially advantageous when the law has been inadequate in exacting measured retribution. Justice is dependent on the existence of an authority perceived as just; so when that is absent, who then can bring justice?

In the insightful documentary Beyond Right and Wrong, Lord John Alderdice, psychiatrist and negotiator for the Northern Ireland Peace Agreement, warns: “If you simply hold tight to the requirement of justice come hell or high water, then you probably won’t find it possible to move forward. But if you try to move forward without attending to the pain and the hurt of the injustice and the trauma of the past, your move forward will probably be illusory, and you will carry some of that difficulty into the future and into your relationships as an individual or as a community.” Forgiveness then comes into play.

In South Africa, leaders sought to attend to the hurt of injustice and the trauma of the past through formation of a Truth and Reconciliation Commission, as noted below.

Case Example: South Africa

In 1993, Amy Biehl, an American student working in South Africa against apartheid, was stabbed to death in a Black township near Cape Town. In 1998, the four young men convicted of her murder were granted amnesty by the Truth and Reconciliation Commission (TRC) after serving five years of their sentence – a decision supported by Amy’s parents.

Easy Nofemela, one of the convicted men, demonstrates just how important trust is in the peace process, and that it can’t be established unless individuals and communities find ways of repairing and rebuilding relationships with each other. “Not until I met Linda and Peter Biehl did I understand that white people are human beings too... The first time I saw them on TV I hated them. I thought this was the strategy of the whites, to come to South Africa to call for capital punishment. But they didn’t even mention wanting to hang us. I was very confused. They seemed to understand that the youth of the townships had carried this crisis, this fight for liberation, on their shoulders.”

Photography by Brian Moody.

How can One develop and promote forgiveness and reconciliation in community building?

• By engaging in the process of forgiveness (individual level)
  
  • Self-forgiveness
  • Common stages in the engagement process
  • Developing forgiveness on an individual level
• By engaging in the reconciliation process (community level)
  
  • Promoting forgiveness on community level
  • Ways to build and rebuild relationships
    • Cultivating dialogue
    • Starting grassroots initiatives
    • Utilizing the healing power of sharing stories
    • Developing victim – offender programs

“Forgiveness is neither just a therapeutic technique nor simply self-regarding in its motivation. It is fundamentally a moral relation between self and other.”

– Charles Griswold

Engaging in the Process of Forgiveness

 Self-forgiveness

Experiencing forgiveness either towards self or others can have a constructive, life-altering effect as part of the process of healing personal pain and trauma as well as building more peaceful communities.

But much of what has been said about forgiving others also applies to forgiving yourself. That can play an important part in the positive transformation of perpetrators’ attitudes and in the process of their preparation for re-entering society as free individuals. In this context, self-forgiveness may facilitate the perpetrator’s ability and willingness to start anew and be open to becoming a non-violent and productive member of society.

 Just as with forgiving others, self-forgiveness can be a complex and at times challenging process, where one needs to address various aspects of one’s personality, mindset, and behavior to move forward. While there is no set order of actions to take, one may start with putting an end to self-punishment. This involves letting go of your self-hatred and self-pity. As with forgiving others, self-forgiveness is not about forgetting about the past or excusing bad behavior. It is about taking responsibility, healing, and changing.

It is also worth noting that self-forgiveness is different from forgiving someone else in one important way, in that it must be about reconciliation. When you forgive another, reconciliation is a choice; but an important part of forgiving yourself is to integrate your previously unacceptable characteristics so that you can accept all of who you are without self-sabotaging, which can lead to self-abuse or any type of addiction.

Luskin (2002) makes a helpful distinction by breaking self-forgiveness into four main categories:

• —Failing at one of life’s important tasks – graduating from college, getting married, having children, etc.
• Not taking action to help yourself or someone else
• Hurting others
• Self-destructive acts

These categories can overlap; for instance, you could be upset with yourself for your alcohol abuse and the impact it has on your spouse. Self-forgiveness can also be an aspect of interpersonal forgiveness. While you can be angry and upset with someone else for hurting you, you can also be angry and upset with yourself for the part you may have played.

Learning to forgive yourself gives you the freedom to heal, let go, and move on. It is a tool that allows you to become more self-aware. Moreover, some believe that you cannot forgive another until you have learned self-compassion and self-forgiveness. In this sense, forgiveness is a movement of compassion; and learning to forgive yourself is an important step in learning to become a forgiving person.

Common Stages in the Engagement Process

When aggression leads to injury, pain, and shock, people may go through different phases to deal with their hurt. The following stages may apply to the experience, thought processes, and actions of individual victims or perpetrators as well as whole groups:

Fear, anger, and revenge may maintain the cycle of violence, through

• Realization of loss
• Denial, and suppression of grief and fear
• Anger: Why me?
• Desire for justice and revenge
• Telling and retelling the “right” conflict story, leading to acts of “justified” aggression

While forgiveness may lead to breaking the cycle of violence, through

• Mourning and expressing grief
• Accepting loss and confronting fear
• Re-humanizing the enemy: Why them?
• Moving beyond tolerance
• Choosing to forgive, committing to taking risks
• Rewriting history, negotiating solutions
• Repairing your life, establishing justice that restores, leading to movement towards reconciliation

Developing Forgiveness on an Individual Level

While everyone’s process is unique, and there are no fixed steps one has to take in order to forgive, real-life stories collected by The Forgiveness Project – a secular charity based in the United Kingdom – demonstrate that there are some key attributes to being a forgiving person and some key components to going on a forgiveness journey. Highlights and lessons from many of these stories are presented below.

However, it is important to keep in mind that not everyone experiences all of these components, nor necessarily in the same order. Forgiveness is not a fixed process and it may have no completion. Triggers throughout life might throw one off course again; therefore it is probably more helpful to think of forgiveness as a direction, rather than a destination.

Some key components to a forgiveness journey

These may include:

• Feeling rage: The anger and rage elements of loss must be expressed. Anger naturally arises after being hurt and often needs to be integrated, not rooted out like some bacterial illness. Denial or suppressing anger is a survival strategy that helps some people cope for a while. However, being in denial for too long is unhealthy, as the underlying emotions evoked by a past event may become self-consuming as well as hinder one from moving beyond the initial pain.

Case Example: United States

Brenda Adelman’s mother, an award-winning artist and photographer, was shot and killed in her home in Brooklyn, New York, in 1995. Brenda's father pleaded guilty to involuntary manslaughter, and served two and half years in prison. Brenda’s work today focuses on helping people transform pain into healing narratives.

“The missing step was embracing my anger in a healthy way. I still felt a deep level of anger at myself for ever trusting my father, demonstrated by my over-eating. I had so much self-judgment, and you can’t really forgive someone else unless you’ve forgiven yourself. It was while taking a course in spiritual psychology that I recognized how with each negative thought directed at my father I was re-wounding myself.”

• Grieving deeply: Through the process of accepting loss and feeling the full force of grief and pain, survivors in time may learn to (1) separate themselves from the events that have happened to them, and (2) integrate these events into their lives, so that the pain of the past becomes a part of who they are without consuming them.

Case Example: England

Camilla Carr, who was taken hostage in Chechnya in 1997, held captive for 14 months, and repeatedly raped, says: “First you have to deal with anger, then with tears, and only once you reach the tears are you on the road to finding peace of mind.”

• Facing fear: It can be a lonely and isolating journey to forgive, especially when family or close friends show reluctance towards the idea of embracing forgiveness, e.g., in the case of a violent crime. Forgiveness takes courage, the willingness to explore the unknown, and resilience that enables one to follow what feels personally right.

Case Example: England

Shad Ali is a British Pakistani who has lived and worked in Nottingham all his life. In July 2008, he was violently attacked when he came to the rescue of two Pakistani women who were being racially abused by a passing pedestrian.

“I received a huge amount of criticism and confusion from friends and family who didn’t understand why I wanted to forgive – especially from my wife who initially felt nothing but hatred towards this man. In spite of this, forgiving has really helped me move forward after the attack. It has been about me, and has nothing to do with the man who attacked me.”

• Developing self-awareness: Understanding yourself opens up a space for understanding others. This involves giving up the expectation that life owes you something, and instead adopting a broader perspective (the realizations that life is morally complicated, that good people do bad things, and that bad things happen to good people). Such a perspective is crucial, because it allows people to have fewer black-and-white expectations of how life and others will treat them. This way of thinking says: “I can’t predict what life will hand me, but I’m going to respond to it in a way that doesn’t perpetuate the cycle of hate.”

Case Example: United States

In 2005, Matthew Boger and Tim Zaal had a life-changing conversation. Both were working at the Museum of Tolerance in Los Angeles when they realized they had met 26 years earlier, when a group of teen-aged Nazi punks attacked and beat a gay homeless 14-year-old boy. Matthew Boger was that young boy and Tim Zaal, at age 17, was a member of the group who left Matthew for dead in a West Hollywood alley.

Matthew: “I also experienced a grieving process when I forgave, because I had so identified with the events that took place when I was 14. By letting that part of me go, I mourned the person I’d known for so long. But that’s also a very beautiful thing, because what got replaced was a person who was more tolerant, more open-hearted, and a lot stronger.”

• Developing empathy: One of the turning points in the process is when the question “why me?” becomes “why them?” Forgiveness in this sense is not something that is done, but something that is discovered. And for the victim/survivor, the relevant discovery is the understanding that the offender is “human like myself.”

Case Example: England

Marian Partington’s younger sister, Lucy, had been a victim of serial killers Fred and Rosemary West. “I heard [Rosemary’s] voice on tape, shouting, swearing and full of rage, and I began to have some insight into her mind. I later discovered she’d been sexually abused by her brother, then abducted from a bus stop and raped at age 17…Her story seems to be about the impoverishment of a soul that knew no other way to live than through terrible cruelty…Since then my work has been about connecting with Rosemary West’s humanity and refusing to go down the far easier and more predictable path of demonizing her.”

According to Marina Cantacuzino, founder of The Forgiveness Project – who has collected over 140 real-life stories of forgiveness – it seems that people are able to forgive heinous crimes because ultimately they are able to muster what Stephen Cherry refers to, in Healing Agony: Reimagining Forgiveness, “distasteful empathy.” It is distasteful because in order to empathize with the cruel and heartless, one has to imagine being cruel and heartless oneself.

Case Example: United States

In 1999, Samantha Lawler’s father killed her mother. Samantha, at just 18, lost both parents in one fatal blow. Thirteen years later, for the first time since the murder, Samantha visited her dying father in prison. She discovered that forgiveness was “not about forgiving the act, but forgiving the imperfections which are inherent in all of us.” 

• Recognition: This seems to be the crux of forgiveness: recognizing that we are all somehow implicated, that we all have responsibility for the society we have helped create, with its bandits, thugs, killers, and saints.

Case Example: South Africa

In 1993 Ginn Fourie’s daughter, Lyndi, was killed in the Heidelberg Tavern Massacre in Cape Town. In 2002 Letlapa Mphahlele, the man who master-minded the attack, invited Ginn to his homecoming ceremony and asked her to make a speech. “It was here that I was able to apologize to his people for the shame and humiliation which my ancestors had brought on them through slavery, colonialism, and apartheid. Vulnerable feelings, when expressed to other people, have the potential to establish lasting bonds.”

• Remorse: For some people, remorse is an essential ingredient to forgiving. For others, it chains the victim to the perpetrator, waiting for something the victim may never receive; therefore it may maintain the power imbalance between perpetrator and victim. But remorse for a wrongdoing can play an important part in healing the victim’s past wounds.

Case Example: Rwanda

Former enemies can more easily live as neighbors and help to rebuild communities if remorse is shown, as in the case of Ngirente Philippe (a Tutsi) whose father was slaughtered by Uzabakiriho Teresphore (a Hutu). Both men now live as neighbors in Rwanda.

Philippe says of Teresphore, whom he first encountered at a gacaca (community) court: “Four months later he came to my house. He brought food and banana wine. Again he started crying and repeatedly saying how sorry he was. Eventually I escorted him home. Then my wife and I embarked on the path of true reconciliation. We wanted to do more than just forgive, but to actually live as neighbors and friends, side by side. We wanted to improve society, to respond to evil with goodness. So now his mother also comes to my home, and we share meals.”

• Acknowledgment: Pumla Gobodo-Madikizela, author of the award-winning A Human Being Died that Night and a senior research professor in trauma, memory, and forgiveness at the University of the Free State (in South Africa), has come to believe that apology and acknowledgment are of the utmost importance when dealing with historical memory. This is because, as she said at a conference in South Africa in 2014: “When people are wounded they feel as if they have been dehumanized…The recognition of the pain of the other is an evocation of empathy.”
  
  While punitive justice can be problematic because it relies on a ”just” authority that can restore the balance, restorative justice places the emphasis on acknowledgment and accountability, which have been shown to enable those who have been harmed to move on. Acknowledging guilt is hard, because people are uncomfortable with their own shame, and afraid to recognize that they are to blame. “But unless you feel the shame, you can’t feel remorse,” contends Gobodo-Madikizela (2004).
  
  Forgiving people, however, also recognize that some wrong-doers are simply unable to face their own shame and therefore cannot take responsibility. In other words, if you wait for remorse and apology to happen, you may wait forever.​

Case Example: England

Anne, a victim of sexual abuse, has forgiven the man who repeatedly abused her during her childhood. She doesn’t believe that forgiveness requires remorse or apology (in other words, that it should be a contractual relationship between two people) because, as she says: “If I’m still waiting for my abuser to show remorse, then I’m still in his power and he’s still in control of my feelings. For me, it’s about a choice to be in the world, relating to the world in a particular way that is not perpetuating the hurt and damage that caused that particular act of violence towards me all the years ago.”

Forgiveness requires acknowledging the pain of the “other,” i.e. the person who caused you pain or harm, but not necessarily accepting injustice. This is what Rami Elhanan, whose daughter was killed by a suicide bomber in a Jerusalem market in 1997, means when he says: “We don’t have any expectations of our politicians; we need to work from below to change this endless cycle of violence.”

Case Example: Palestine and Israel

Rami is a former officer in the Israeli Defense Force, and member of the Parents’ Circle - Families Forum, a group of bereaved Palestinians and Israelis who have lost family members in the conflict and now campaign for peace. Frequently Rami gives public talks alongside his Palestinian friends, such as Bassam Aramin, whose 10-year-old daughter, Abir, was killed by an Israeli soldier in 2007.

Where does forgiveness fit into this difficult dialogue between two bereaved fathers, or two communities at war? How can you forgive when the power imbalance is so vast and when justice is so far from being achieved?

Rami and Bassam’s message is simple: The only real way of affecting change is through heart-to-heart discussion, one person at a time. For Rami, forgiveness is not the solution, but part of a quest to understand what makes a young man so angry that he chooses to blow himself up alongside a group of 14-year-old girls.

• Managing expectations: Crucial to forgiving is not being attached to an outcome and not making assumptions. People tend to expect others to react like them; they compare their responses to how they would respond; they blame people for not doing what they think they should.

Case Example: Sheila

“A long time ago, before I found lasting happiness with my husband, I fell in love with Jack. The feeling was mutual. It was powerful and passionate and we described each other as soul mates. This was going to be the defining relationship of my life. However, just six months later Jack started to behave differently. Sensing something was wrong, I confronted him and he confessed he had strong feelings for someone else. Our relationship quickly and painfully unravelled. I was stunned, angry, and very upset. I thought of all the special things that Jack had said to me and wondered how his feelings could just have evaporated into thin air.

“During the ensuing months I held onto my anger like a prized possession, nurturing it until it defined who I was, and the story I told. I felt humiliated, betrayed, and profoundly hurt. However, at some stage, I must also have realized that while this hurt was defining who I was right then and there, I didn’t want it to define who I would become. I didn’t want to carry my hurt into future relationships.

“And so something shifted. I changed my lens and gained a new perspective. I came to understand that people have a right to change their minds, and that just because someone says they love you one day, doesn’t guarantee that this statement will hold true for the next. I have come to believe therefore that people don’t owe me anything, and just because they are capable of hurting me doesn’t make them into bad people: It might simply mean that my needs are greater than theirs.”

Comparing Sheila’s story – a relatively small example of harm – with all the many forgiving people who have struggled with great traumas, it seems that they too have been able to let go of an expectation that the world owes them. In other words, they don’t assume that they’ll be safe, their house won’t be burgled, they won’t get mugged, or their child won’t get killed. They have understood life’s moral complexities, that what happens to you is not always correlated with your personality, character, or behavior. The question then becomes not “why me?” but “why not me?”

• Meaning making: This component is defined as “making sense out of” and “finding significance and benefit in” what happened. It isn’t about making sense out of horror, but rather about “the intense pursuit of what matters.” In other words, when survivors pursue what matters to them they find meaning in their life again, and start acting in congruence with what they now feel is important. The by-product of this intense pursuit of meaning is that people are able to adapt to circumstances and start to develop new coping skills and new ways of belonging to society.

Case Example: United States

In 2004, Cathy Harrington’s 26-year-old daughter, Leslie, was murdered in a brutal attack in her own home. “During those early years of trying to make sense of such unspeakable horror, I spent a lot of time living among the poor doing street retreats and visiting the dispossessed in Nicaragua. I found comfort there. If there was a place I could find grace, it was in the streets.”

Based on the above-mentioned key components, forgiveness can be difficult to bring about, and may require a series of challenging intellectual and emotional stages for those involved to go through.

Conditions under which forgiveness is most likely to occur

• People must have an opportunity to express their grief and rage (in small group work, restorative circles, community courts, etc.).
• People must be able to hear the other’s story (as in restorative justice initiatives).
• People must be prepared to give something up – e.g., firmly held views, assumptions, or expectations. This is something that can only be encouraged and can only come about through exposure to those with whom you were formerly in conflict.
• People must be prepared to see the others as human, like themselves.
• People must develop the ability to put meaning back into their lives and therefore bring about identity reconstruction. Engagement in such meaning-making activities rebuilds a self-identity.

To conclude our discussion of forgiveness at an individual level, the following story of the over 140 collected and shared by The Forgiveness Project sums up the complex, untidy, and often intangible journey of forgiveness:

Case Example: Canada

Wilma Derksen, whose 13-year-old daughter Candace was murdered in Canada in 1984, describes how her decision to forgive didn’t necessarily mean everything was suddenly better. She says: “Little did I know that the word ‘forgiveness’ would haunt me for the next 30 years – prod me, guide me, heal me, label me, enlighten me, imprison me, free me, and in the end define me.” She concludes: “Forgiveness is not just a one-off event, nor does it mean you’re doing the same thing again and again. The issues of Candace’s murder present themselves differently every day. Forgiveness is a fresh, on-going, ever-present position of the mind, which takes on many different forms. It’s a promise of what we want to do, a goal, a North Star, a mantra.”

Whether it is pursued due to an inner voice, family traditions, or religious teachings, forgiveness is a powerful tool in transforming people’s lives for the better. As the Michigan-based Fetzer Institute’s Campaign for Love and Forgiveness has put it, “individual transformation can lead to societal change.” While forgiveness is first and foremost a personal journey of discovery (see examples above), it also has the potential to induce positive change in entire communities. This will be discussed under the Engaging in the Reconciliation Process heading, just below.

Engaging in the Reconciliation Process

Developing Forgiveness on a Community Level

Forgiveness is often portrayed as a deeply individual process with personal healing as its prime goal. But individual traumas are often part of a larger societal trauma, and therefore larger change can often come about from healing and forgiveness at both individual and societal levels.

In the Fetzer Institute’s short documentary Being with the Energy of Love and Forgiveness, Dr. Mark Umbreit, founding director of the Center for Restorative Justice and Peacemaking at the University of Minnesota, explains his work in restorative justice. The film represents one of the most useful and comprehensive insights available into the practical application of forgiveness and reconciliation at a community level.

Describing the impact of healing circles, victim-offender dialogue, and community conferencing, Umbreit concludes that “respect,” “openness,” and “compassion” are the underlying components of engagement. “I literally feel and sense what I would call the authentic energy of forgiveness there; more than I do in institutions that talk about it a lot or preach it or push it,” he says.

For Umbreit, “Restorative dialogue is one of many pathways to a deeper experience of forgiveness. It’s about creating a safe space to go deep within your heart, to feel vulnerability, to be open to others’ pain, to recognize their humanity at the deepest level. When you humanize your adversary it’s harder to hold on to hate, it’s harder to kill.”

The film also shows interviews with members of the Native American Somali Friendship Committee in the Phillips neighborhood of Minneapolis. This initiative grew out of conflict arising when thousands of Somali refugees settled in the Twin Cities in the early nineties.

The Native American Somali Friendship Committee was formed when Wade Keezer, an Ojibwe leader and organizer, called the Native American and Somali communities to address the growing tension. The result was the beginning of a cross-cultural dialogue intended to promote peaceful community building. Peacemaking in this context was a process based on traditional methods of dispute resolution, which is a cornerstone of Native American culture and addresses the need to rebuild relationships between people.

The first meeting between the two communities took place on Martin Luther King Day in 2010. At first, only negative feelings were aired as people were able to safely express their pain and fear; but in time and through sharing stories, food and other cultural activities, the two communities discovered they had more similarities than differences.

This peacebuilding initiative worked because both communities were able to look at each other in the eye, find respect, and build a relationship with greater understanding. Umbreit concludes this was not “little common conversations…but real restorative dialogue,” as people spent hours together, listening to each other’s pain and trauma. In this way, both communities were able to hear each other’s stories, forgive, move forward, and build a safer neighbourhood.

Moving beyond small, local communities, forgiveness in large-scale peace-building processes that involve two or more opposing social, ethnic, or religious groups can affect the future of a country. It did so in South Africa, where politicians and civic leaders urged large groups of people to forgive other groups with whom they had previously been locked in conflict. While forgiveness was never obligatory in South Africa, its value was upheld within the South African Truth and Reconciliation Commission, chaired by Archbishop Desmond Tutu. In addition, several public figures spoke out in favor of forgiveness, thus modeling a way forward for the communities they represented.

Nelson Mandela, by publicly forgiving those who had wronged him, became a global symbol for forgiveness, compassion, and peace-building. “As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn't leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I'd still be in prison.”

Case Example: South Africa

Albie Sachs – the anti-apartheid campaigner who lost an arm and was partially blinded in a car bomb in 1988 – has spoken about ubuntu, the spirit of reconciliation that allowed a nation not to resort to bloody recriminations post-apartheid.

“We called the peaceful transition in South Africa from the vicious system of apartheid to a constitutional democracy a miracle.... It became possible because millions and millions of African people, despite their hardship, or perhaps because of their hardship, had never lost the deep traditional spirit of ubuntu, a shared sense of humanity: I am a person because you are a person; my humanity can’t be separated from a recognition of your humanity.

“Because of ubuntu and the Truth Commission, I was able to meet the soldier who had organized the placing of a bomb in my car that cost me my right arm and the sight of an eye. It was a moving encounter, from which we both emerged better human beings. The key to the encounter was that our country had changed. Ubuntu, the spirit of reconciliation, requires dealing with the causes of the conflict. But it can help overcome those causes, and be liberating to the individuals involved in a very personal way.”

Ways to Build and Rebuild Relationships

In a similar matter, reconciliation must involve actively rebuilding relationships by creating opportunities for people to engage with each other through spaces, activities, and enterprises. In order to build or rebuild relationships, there must be platforms on which to develop understanding between groups and communities.

Cultivating dialogue: Enabling people to embrace tensions in the process of reconciliation and dialogue is the starting point. Dialogue can take place in many settings, such as a national dialogue or within communities across divisions of race, religion, or gender. Dialogue can be practiced in community halls, schools, prisons, and corporate institutions. However, dialogue by itself can be a fairly shallow gesture. To be effective, it has to include:

• Genuine exploration of self and the “other”
• Addressing the roots of conflict
• Building closer bonds between individuals and groups
• Promoting systemic and structural change

Starting grassroots initiatives: Reconciliation often builds on grassroots initiatives, such as theatre, music, and sport, so that barriers between people can be addressed and broken down. Other examples might include initiatives such as workshops that promote psychological healing, perhaps offering safe spaces for narrative sharing and storytelling; or social projects that bring together individuals from diverse groups and communities. By so working to effect social change, people also learn to respect each other and to coexist peacefully.

An important element of the reconciliation process is the restoration of broken relationships, which may be addressed in various ways. While some of these will be discussed in detail under the “Developing Victim-Offender Programs” heading, it is worth mentioning here the contributions of Howard Zehr, who is widely known as the grandfather of restorative justice. He describes his work as being about “changing lenses,” and sums up some of the different approaches as follows:

“Some advocate the use of restorative approaches such as ‘circles’ (an approach that emerged from the First Nation/aboriginal communities in Canada) as a way to work through, resolve, and transform conflicts in general. Others pursue circles or ‘conferences’ (an effort with roots both in New Zealand and Australia and in facilitated victim-offender meetings) as a way to build and heal communities.” (Zehr, 2002).

Utilizing the healing power of sharing stories: Stories of hope in hopeless times can change lives. A constructive strategy that may help one break out of an endless cycle of violence is to develop the ability to listen to the pain of the other (the so-called “enemy”), because if people focus only on their own pain and trauma this locks them into a sense of despair.

The Forgiveness Project collects and shares real stories of forgiveness in order to create opportunities for people to consider, examine, and choose forgiveness in the face of atrocity. Its work in restorative storytelling demonstrates that personal narratives can broaden perspectives and bring healing to those impacted — whether victim or perpetrator — as well as motivate others regarding future life choices.

Research has shown that storytelling is a powerful tool for which humans are hard-wired. Storytelling enables individuals and groups to form connections and collaboration at the same time as they overcome differences and defenses. The spiritual teacher Anthony Mello has said: “The deepest truth is found by means of a simple story.” And as the German-born political theorist Hannah Arendt has noted: "Storytelling is the bridge by which we transform that which is private and individual into that which is public” (Arendt 1958). Some other examples follow.

Some Story-Sharing Examples

• In the 11 years since it was founded, The Forgiveness Project has gained a reputation for using narrative and storytelling techniques as a way to reach across the rifts not only of race, faith, and geography, but also the rifts of enemies. Presenting, producing, and examining real stories of transformation is The Forgiveness Project’s key tool for change.
  The project does this through “The F Word” travelling exhibition (a thought-provoking collection of arresting images and personal narratives), through filmed interviews, through written stories on its website accessed by the public as an open resource, through a restorative justice program in U.K. prisons where facilitators are victims and ex-offenders share their redemptive narratives, and through real lived experiences from a Speakers Bureau at events, lectures, workshops, and seminars. The stories have also appeared in a book, The Forgiveness Project: Stories for a Vengeful Age, by the organization’s founder, Marina Cantacuzino.
• Another storytelling initiative including forgiveness and narratives is “The F-You Project,” an acclaimed youth-led nonprofit organization and movement in Toronto, Ontario, which utilizes arts and self-expression to empower youth to find strength to overcome some of the most intractable circumstances. This organization provides first-hand experiences in forgiveness within the context of violence. It focuses on organizing public events, featuring speakers who have evolved from victim to survivor in the face of their own internal adversities. This is a good example of the community working together to erase negativity and inspire healing.
• Compelling examples also come from Rwanda. In that country, alongside the stories of murder and carnage, when neighbors killed neighbors, teachers killed students, and armed gangs across the country at one point reached a killing rate of seven people per minute, it is important to hear stories of people who acted with kindness, empathy, and self-sacrifice.​

Case Example: Rwanda

At the Kigali Genocide Memorial in Rwanda there is the story of Nsengiyuumra, a Muslim who during the genocide is said to have saved over 30 people by protecting or hiding them in his outhouse. A survivor’s testimony reads: “The interahamwe (Hutu paramilitary organization) killer was chasing me down the alley. I was going to die any second. I banged on the door of the yard. It opened almost immediately. He (Nsengiyumra) took me by the hand and stood in his doorway and told the killer to leave. He said that the Koran says: ‘If you save one life, it is like saving the whole world.’”

• Some other examples of those who are using their stories to support divided communities are Jo Berry, with “Building Bridges for Peace,” Rami Elhahan, through the “The Parents’ Circle,” and Alistair Little, who started the organization “Beyond Walls.” These examples show that any community can start collecting stories as a way of listening to the pain of the “other” in order to build empathy and understanding.

Developing victim –offender programs:

The RESTORE Prison Program

For eight years The Forgiveness Project has run RESTORE, a group-based restorative justice (RJ) intervention program in England to enable prisoners to turn their lives around and give them the tools to re-enter society as active and responsible citizens.

Restorative justice views crime as injury rather than law-breaking, and justice as healing rather than punishment. Forgiveness should never be a condition of RJ, but is frequently an outcome, simply because when two people or two groups come to hear the story of the “other,” fixed perspectives start to shift.

This restorative justice process demonstrates how individual transformation can lead to societal change. As participants learn about different aspects of forgiveness and reconciliation, and practice them in their own lives, there is a ripple effect into communities.

How does the RESTORE process work?

1. Creating a safe space for reflection, and creating conditions conducive to questioning and changing attitudes (e.g., discussing how society works, how humanity works, how forgiveness works, how revenge works, and how the psyche of a victim or a perpetrator work).
2. Storytelling is at the heart of RESTORE; it is considered a powerful tool in developing empathy, creating community, and constructing/reconstructing identity.
3. Empathy-building is developed through shared dramatic experience of traumatic and authentic stories, in an atmosphere of non-judgmental sharing and humanity, using positive psychological principles and values modelled by facilitators.
4. Transformative change means that one’s perspective or worldview goes through a significant transformation. Through this change, one arrives at appreciating, seeking, and attaining “forgiveness.” This type of attitude transformation is considered a “humanizing process” that requires a psychological and conceptual shift. That is, one is required to move away from being emotionally and mentally detached and to become mindful and critically reflective. In the process, one abandons the perception of being a “victim” in favor of actively reassessing oneself as “offender” and acknowledging the “ripple effect” of one’s own behavior.
5. Different choices and intentions are catalyzed through RESTORE’s focusing on the positive potential of offenders’ future life paths (e.g., participants are encouraged in deciding to follow – and to believe they are capable of following – inspirational examples, to reconcile and restore damaged relationships, and to break cycles of violence and damage).

RESTORE is one example of how the process of forgiveness may unfold and be successfully employed in a given context. The overall impact of this restorative program can lead to reduced offending behavior both in prison and beyond release; it has been shown to result in fewer victims and offenders amongst participants, their families, and the communities they live in.

The Fambul Tok Model

 

A different model is Fambul Tok (Krio for “Family Talk”), which emerged in Sierra Leone as a face-to-face community-owned program bringing together perpetrators and victims of the violence in Sierra Leone’s 11-year civil war (1991–2002). In these communities, naming and shaming is considered justice, and while forgiveness is imperative, it is not granted without remorse. Fambul Tok has proved to be a more effective and much cheaper way of providing justice and facilitating reconciliation than the international community’s £300 million worth of international trials for perpetrators of civil war in Sierra Leone.

This community-healing process of reconciliation and forgiveness addresses the roots of conflict at the local level, and restores dignity to the lives of those who suffered most directly from violence. The work helps war-affected individuals reflect on the past and move forward in ways that avert the renewal of aggressions. By grounding reconciliation in traditional practices, it also helps create healthy communities capable of building new foundations of peace.

How does the Fambul Tok process work?

1. Consultations. Community-led reconciliation begins with consulting the individuals and communities who will make and sustain peace.
2. Implementation. Fambul Tok pilots each new phase of the community-owned reconciliation process and incorporates the lessons learned from the pilot as the program expands.
3. Training. Fambul Tok empowers community stakeholders through customized, targeted training in reconciliation, conflict mediation, and trauma healing.
4. Reconciliation Ceremony. The reconciliation ceremony is at the heart of Fambul Tok’s approach to community-owned and led peace-building efforts. Drawing on the tradition of truth telling around a bonfire, communities host a bonfire in the evening, where victims and perpetrators have an opportunity to come forward for the first time to tell their stories, apologize, and ask for or offer forgiveness. The communities then sing and dance in celebration of this open acknowledgement of and resolution to what happened in the war.
   The next day, the communities hold cleansing ceremonies that draw on traditional cleansing practices as well as traditions of communicating with the ancestors and pouring libations. These cleansing ceremonies culminate in a communal feast.
5. Follow-up Activities: From football (soccer) to community farms, the follow-up activities of Fambul Tok strengthen community and help sustain the peace achieved through consultation and reconciliation ceremonies.

Participants’ Comments on Fambul Tok:

Hawa Koroma, Moyamba town: “Most of us do not have the opportunity to face the TRC [Truth and Reconciliation Commission] to tell people what happened to us. With Fambul Tok, we can now share our stories and have the opportunity to forgive and reconcile.”

Sahr Ngaoja, Lei chiefdom, Kono district: “I have no regret for moving from such a far distance to listen to Fambul Tok. After the war, plenty of people are afraid to return to their homes for fear of revenge. Now that Fambul Tok is creating the platform for victims, witnesses, and perpetrators to mediate reconciliation for peaceful co-existence, we have no alternative but to welcome Fambul Tok. I am sure community reconciliation will help us fight poverty.”

Hawah Wurie, Bunumbu, Kailahun district: “Most of our brothers and sisters played an active role during the war. Some of them amputated hands, some of them slaughtered women, some split women open to see what baby was in their stomach; but at the ceremony most of them came forward and confessed and asked for forgiveness and we have forgiven them. We have encouraged them, embraced them, we do things together. Even myself, my elder sister was killed during this war. Those that killed her, I knew who they were, but when they confessed, I forgave them.”

Some Challenges and reflection questions

To practice forgiveness and reconciliation in daily life comes with its own challenges, and prompts a number of reflection questions. As one example, there is a popular notion that if you do not forgive you will be depleted in some way, tied to the past, holding on to grudges, filled with negative and even violent thoughts. This sentiment is found in much literature (blogs, articles, books, and motivational quotes) and creates a perception that forgiveness must be the panacea for all ills, a key to serenity, and the route to enlightenment. But it glosses over the fact that forgiveness is a slippery and complex concept, meaning many things to many people.

The above assumptions not only ignore the real pain many people suffer, but shame those who chose not to forgive. In a BBC1 TV program in 2011 “What is the Point in Forgiveness?”, the U.K.’s then-Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr. Rowan Williams, warned against forgiving too easily. He told the Radio Times: “I think the 20th century saw such a level of atrocity that it has focused our minds very, very hard on the dangers of forgiving too easily” (Thomas, 2011). The point he went on to make very strongly was that if forgiveness is easy, it is as if the suffering doesn’t really matter.

Some other challenges in the practice of forgiveness and reconciliation follow.

Challenges

• Letting go: Forgiveness requires a deliberate — or as Gandhi put it, “strong” — letting go of negative emotions toward the offender.
• Assuming that forgiveness means reconciliation: People can mistake forgiveness for reconciliation. Sometimes it is best to do as Desmond Tutu advises: release the relationship (and forgive!) rather than renew it.
• Accountability: Another challenge is how forgiveness is promoted. There is a real danger in politicizing forgiveness, since the rhetoric of forgiveness can prevent politicians being held accountable, as in the above-mentioned case of Burundi. It has also been suggested that in transitional justice (which can be defined as a society's attempt to come to terms with legacies of massive human rights abuses) perceived pressure to forgive and the repression of anger or resentment may be psychologically harmful and reinforce structures of inequality. Similarly victims of child sex abuse within the church have sometimes complained that members of the clergy urged them to forgive rather than pursue justice.

Case Example: England

Susan says, “My crisis began when my daughter approached her eighth birthday, and the horror of what happened to me finally dawned. I sought help through Christian literature, but it just told lovely stories about reconciliation. Trusted Christian friends offered well-meaning advice, and in one case an exorcism. The focus was on praying for my abuser’s redemption. It is not hard to see how in this context, forgiveness can allow abuse to thrive.”

• Creating the right climate: A paradox of forgiveness is that in a restorative justice setting the more you talk about forgiveness or encourage it, the less safe people may feel. Moreover, pushing forgiveness may make people feel pressured, hence trigger direct resistance from them. Forgiveness is not a magic bullet; it can re-traumatize.
• No set formula: Since forgiveness may have relevance in a great variety of social, cultural, and racial settings, it is important that forgiveness be approached according to the given context and not applied as a one-size-fits-all solution.
• Provision of resources: The greatest challenge to any successful reconciliation process, whether in building bridges between warring communities on a national level, or seeking to rehabilitate violent individuals into the community, is the provision of financial resources to allow these processes to be sustained and developed.
• Sustaining dialogue: The challenge to any society is to develop sustained dialogue and reconciliation processes, so that our differences will never serve as the source of division, conflict, and violence.

Reflection Questions

Many of the questions below are thought-provoking and challenging. What are your own answers to them?

• How can forgiveness (a word too often seen as a weakness and associated with excusing and condoning) be used in the everyday world to develop and sustain community-building and peace?
• Can we forgive an ongoing evil? Or, can forgiveness be granted to those who have committed terrorist acts? By whom? Upon whose authority?
• Can one forgive in the absence of apology or remorse?
• Can true reconciliation be accomplished? On whose terms?
• Can there be reconciliation following mass murder? Is forgiveness also then possible? As defined by whom? For whose benefit?
• What kind of processes should be developed so that dialogue continues and peace can be maintained?
• Can it ever be wrong to offer forgiveness, or to attempt reconciliation?

In Summary

Forgiveness, as a means of relieving oneself from the burden of victimhood, is intrinsically subjective. In her book The Forgiveness Project: Stories for a Vengeful Age, Marina Cantacuzino writes:

In this hotly contested territory, the only thing I know for sure is that the act of forgiving is fluid and active and can change from day to day, hour to hour, depending on how you feel when you wake in the morning or what triggers you encounter during the day.

Forgiveness may unfold like a mysterious discovery, or it may be a totally conscious decision, something you line yourself up for having exhausted all other options. It may have a strong degree of pardoning attached to it, or it may just be a   sense that you have released something poisonous or let go of something heavy that no longer weighs you down.

In this sense, forgiveness means not allowing the pain of the past to dictate the path of the future. It requires a broad perspective, namely understanding that life is morally complicated, that people behave in despicable ways, and that some things can never be explained” (Cantacuzino, 2015, p. 2).

The reality is that some people don’t forgive because it is not the right time to forgive. Taking the time to proceed at one’s own pace can be smart, commendable, and empowering. For those working to promote forgiveness and reconciliation, it is important to remember that forgiveness is first and foremost a choice, and not necessarily the best medicine for all people all the time.

At the same time, it is also important to remember that when introduced as an option, as a concept with limits as well as opportunities, forgiveness (if chosen as a path through trauma) is undoubtedly a powerful healing process that can mend broken hearts and repair broken communities.

Contributors
Marina Cantacuzino
Katalin Karolyi

Editors
Bill Berkowitz
Barbara Kerr

Marina Cantacuzino is Founder and Chief Storyteller of The Forgiveness Project, a U.K.-based organization that collects and shares real stories in order to build understanding and give people the opportunity to move forward from trauma and conflict, enabling both personal and societal change. The Forgiveness Project has no religious or political associations.

Katalin Karolyi, BA, MSc, is Communications Officer of The Forgiveness Project. Visit The Forgiveness Project on facebook and twitter.

Example #1: Bridging the Divides in Our Communities and in Our Nation

 

The Hands Across the Hills experience initiated in the small community of Leverett, Massachusetts, with Letcher County Kentucky was powerful and positive. They listened to each other, learned from each other, and actually left loving each other. It gave them hope that the divisions in this country can be overcome.

 

Example #2: Reconciliation Regina

In 2016, Regina City Council unanimously approved a Referral Motion moved by Mayor Fougere to honour, acknowledge, accept responsibility and participate in actions to address the Truth and Reconciliation Commission of Canada 94 Calls to Action. This led to the creation of Reconciliation Regina, the beginning of a community-led reconciliation journey now comprised of over 85 community organizations.

This and other sections in the Tool Box chapter on Spirituality and Community Building (Chapter 28) have been written with the support and contributions of experts connected with the Charter for Compassion. For more information about the Charter and its work, visit www.charterforcompassion.org.

 

“Everyone must be committed in the matter of peace, to do everything that they can …

Peace is the language we must speak.” — Pope Francis

Introduction

This section is about peace – a most fundamental asset to community building, to personal growth, and to the very survival of our planet. At the heart of many faiths, practices, and cultures, advancing peaceful co-existence is essential to ensuring productive, meaningful lives and sustainable societies.

After providing a working definition of peace, our main focus will be on practical steps one can take to advance peace, so that we can strengthen ourselves and our communities. We’ll supplement this guidance with examples throughout. These come from initiatives stimulated by the Charter for Compassion, its partner organizations, and many others who offer practical models that individuals, groups, and/or governments can employ for peace-building. We will also consider how we, as individuals, can be enriched by establishing peace within our individual lives, even in the most challenging of circumstances.

Throughout this section we draw from actual events and emphasize personal experiences. Assisting in authoring is September 11^th Families for Peaceful Tomorrows, whose members have connected with others from over 25 countries – from Rwanda and South Africa to Japanese survivors of atomic bombs; these individuals have lost loved ones, or themselves been injured by mass violence through war, terror, or other incidents, but they have joined together to work toward a more peaceful future.

To get us started on the topic of promoting peace, let us look to what may seem at first to be an unlikely source for leadership and inspiration – the mountains of Afghanistan. There live a group of young people who have been surrounded by war from birth, from Soviet invasions to warlords, Taliban fighting, and more recently the American invasion. As a result, several of them have been severely injured and/or lost family and friends due to conflicts that have nothing to do with their interests. 

Yet they have not responded with a violent thirst for revenge, but rather by forming the Afghan Peace Volunteers. This group has held peace marches and vigils in areas across the Middle East and has worked to support other youth and victims of war, while strengthening education and justice within their own communities. They challenge you and me, and the entire world, with their simple question: "Why not friendship?" Perhaps you would like to respond to their heartfelt plea. They welcome everyone to join in their conversations toward mutual understanding, called Global Days of Listening.

Youth and adults across the U.S. and the world have joined in these calls to discuss ways to make our communities safer and to live together in peace. Later in this section, we will discuss how a student group in Groton, MA participated, sharing dreams and strategies. If these young people can embrace peace and see a way forward through mutual support with those who have been enemies, we can all find that path, whether in our home communities or across the globe.

The Author’s Personal Story

As a 9/11 family member, this topic of peace is profoundly important to me. My brother, Donald Freeman Greene, having hugged his beloved wife and young children goodbye, headed off on an early flight on September 11, 2001 to visit our siblings on the West Coast. He died on that beautiful morning as a passenger aboard United Flight 93. Young men, deluded into thinking that they were acting in accordance to their religion’s beliefs and/or to benefit their people, had taken over the plane in an act of extreme violence. Their intent to use the airplane as a weapon, most likely aimed at the United States Capitol, was thwarted by passengers who came together to retake control of the cockpit.

In my anguish and personal loss, it was still painful to me to hear the call of the Flight 93 passengers – "Let's Roll" – taken up across the nation and used as a justification to head to war. The nation embraced the idea that a military approach would teach our enemies a lesson and destroy them. Yet we must ask ourselves, what is the lesson? As hundreds of thousands of innocent civilians, predominantly women and children, have died due to the ensuing conflicts in Afghanistan and Iraq, we have failed to demonstrate in any way that violence against civilians is ever justified.

We have lost far more young soldiers than the number of people who died in the September 11th attacks. The wars seem to have perpetuated the same misguided belief held by the terrorists – that enemies can simply be eliminated. Prior to the wars, the group that launched the 9/11 attacks, Al-Qaeda, was a very small extremist faction with virtually no presence in Iraq. Now ISIS, an extreme offshoot of Al-Qaeda, has emerged and taken over large sections of the country, even as the Taliban has crept back into power in Afghanistan.

Eventually, I learned of other 9/11 family members who shared my perspective and had formed September 11^th Families for Peaceful Tomorrows, turning our grief into actions for peace. Our goal is for no other families anywhere in the world to suffer needlessly due to violence, whether from terrorism, war, or other causes. Our name comes from the prescient quote by Reverend Martin Luther King, Jr.: "The past is prophetic in that it asserts loudly that wars make poor chisels for carving out peaceful tomorrows." (Reverend Martin Luther King, Jr, "The Casualties of War in Vietnam,” Speech, Los Angeles, CA, January 1967.)

Definition

Several elements are useful in defining peace. On an individual level, peace may start with having calmness within oneself. Expanding outward, peace entails agreement and harmony among people. At its largest scale, peace is to live without violent conflict or war. Peace underlies our quality of life and the fabric of our communities; and, as our weaponry becomes ever more powerful, our very survival as people on this planet depends upon it.

Many spiritual traditions and teachings throughout history have emphasized peace, both as an inner journey and as an outward commitment to live in mutual benefit with our families, our communities, and in the world. Yet in our current global landscape we often see peace described in an inverted way, so that “keeping the peace” has come to refer to soldiers and “peace-keepers,” or to armed militia.

A number of other terms and concepts are necessarily related to the creation of peace, including fairness, justice, inclusiveness, and human rights. These must be embedded into the community in order to foster agreement and harmony. Peace is strongest when derived from social justice, which can be defined as ensuring fundamental rights and equity to all. Strengthening civil society – the rules that bind us and allow us to live productively together, with established means of resolving conflict – is the means to those ends.

The Importance of Peace to Community Building

Peace enriches our communities and individual lives, as it directs us to embrace diversity and support one another to the fullest extent possible. Through caring, generosity, and fairness we provide a cornerstone for attaining a sustainable, just, meaningful, vibrant, and fulfilling personal and community life.

To bring home this point, consider the following questions:

• Can our families and communities thrive without mutual support and peace with our neighbors?
• Can peaceful communities exist without attention to justice and equity?
• What would be the prospects of a world without peace?

Situations Favoring the Promotion of Peace

Detection and Action

Promoting peace requires valuing and considering both oneself and others. As such, peace is central to every situation throughout our lives. Just as a child is enriched as he or she learns to take on more responsibilities, the meaning in our lives grows as we learn to recognize and take more responsibility for one another and the world.

While such a broad application is encouraged, individuals or communities can enhance their impact by strategically focusing their efforts. In community organizing, promoting peace is in many ways similar to other areas of strategic planning. The Charter for Compassion and the Community Tool Box recommend the following four steps that can help to detect and set peace-building priorities, then develop peaceful action opportunities:

1. Discover and Assess

Learn more about the issues and assets that affect peace in your community. A quick snapshot of concerns can be identified through statistics on criminal activities, hate crimes, and school incidents. Many of these statistics can be found on the FBI website or on commercial sites such as city-data.com.

More in-depth information may be gained from discussions with residents, local human rights commissions, and/or parent-teacher associations. The cultural and spiritual organizations in your area can also be valuable in engaging diverse residents to share their cultures and to promote your learning about current efforts devoted to harmony and cross-cultural/interfaith understanding. You can reach out and participate in some of their activities.

Participatory Asset Mapping builds on discussions with community residents in order to identify and map locations of issues of concern (such as high crime areas), community assets to protect (such as parks, schools and organizations), and factors that impact community violence (such as vacant lots and abandoned buildings). For helpful guidance, refer to the tools available from organizations such as the Advancement Project.

2. Focus and Commit

With this information in hand, choose the most important issues to you and your community, particularly those you can commit to in promoting peace. Here are some among many potential areas of focus that individuals and community peace organizations have chosen, ranging along a continuum from simple to more extensive:

• Arts, music, and cultural programs that promote peace
• Peace and interfaith collaborations, events, vigils, and rallies
• Anti-bullying and other violence prevention initiatives in schools
• Restorative justice programs in schools and community settings that focus on healing rather than punishment
• Partnership strengthening between residents and police
• Formation of local peace commissions
• Establishment of sister-city programs with other communities
• Instituting community by-laws and other policies that foster peace and justice

Several of these will be discussed in more depth, with examples, later in this section.

3. Build and Launch

You don’t have to start building from scratch. Join with others already active in your community to pursue your goals for peace-building. Learn if your town has a peace commission or similar organization. Even if not, the Charter for Compassion lists many communities that have committed to the principles of compassion and are mobilized to take action. You can contact the local organizers of such efforts, or follow their guidelines to help start and implement your own.

4. Evaluate and Maintain

Evaluating your peace-building efforts can help ensure they are effective and sustained. Setting clear and measurable objectives can pave the way for progress that can easily be transparently monitored.

It is vital to be inclusive and listen to the voices of the entire community as you develop, implement, and evaluate as well as celebrate the success of your actions. Guidance is available on the Creating and Maintaining Partnerships portion of the Community Toolkit.

Contexts for Promoting Peace

Below are several different contexts and situations for strategically promoting peace: all involve being inclusive, proactively addressing needs, and anticipating situations that may arise.

When Defining Community

 As we form and define our communities, the groundwork for promoting peace can be laid by ensuring that all in the community are welcome and that none are excluded.

When Strengthening Policies and Initiatives

Peace-building calls upon us to ensure that policies and procedures benefit the entire community. A fundamental first step is to establish and follow a clear, fair, and just rule of law. This relies on full participation of diverse residents and stakeholders in its development and maintenance so that everyone’s needs and contributions can be incorporated.

THE BIG BOOK: PAGES FOR PEACE

“It’s up to us to teach the children about peace,” was a lesson that middle school teacher Betsy Sawyer took to heart. As leader of an after-school program, she and eight ambitious fifth-graders came up with the plan for a giant book about peace that they hoped would make it into the Guinness Book of World Records. While they did not reach their original goal, they were able to achieve something much more impressive.

The group received more than 3,500 letters from peace leaders, politicians, veterans and other students and teachers from around the world during the creation process. The book is a work of art that represents years of intergenerational learning and teamwork on a global scale. Contributions found in the pages are from some of the world’s most notable peace leaders, including: Nelson Mandela, President Jimmy Carter, the Dalai Lama, Dr. Helen Caldicott, Mother Teresa, and Maya Angelou.

After ten years of work, the book they created was displayed at the John F. Kennedy National Library in Boston. The Big Book went on to be featured at the United Nations Headquarters in New York, to encourage future generations and today’s leaders to actively promote peace.

The Bookmakers and Dreamers club now has over 400 students and volunteers, far from the eight students involved during its humble beginnings as an after school program. Growing up with the project inspired many of Ms. Sawyer’s students to pursue careers that help promote peace and understanding. The Big Book has reached countless people internationally, but more significantly in the Northern Massachusetts community that helped it grow. From the project’s sponsors and donors to the students’ parents, more people are thinking about what they can do to spread peace in their community and around the world.

 

This and other sections in the Tool Box chapter on Spirituality and Community Building (Chapter 28) have been written with the support and contributions of experts connected with the Charter for Compassion. For more information about the Charter and its work, visit www.charterforcompassion.org.

 

Introduction

Our aim in this section is to draw a connection between community building and the fostering of hope. Why is this connection important? Because one of the biggest challenges for community builders is the wavering of hope and the specter of failure – the risk that enthusiasm will wane and obstacles in organizing will feed discouragement and withdrawal. 

That peril is real; but in this section we will explore how some community builders have maintained their efforts through a deeper understanding of steadfast commitment, fueled by a deep assurance that long-run change is possible – a characteristic that is fundamental to hope.

 

What is Hope? Some Definitions and Qualities

Hope is More than Wishing for Change

We begin our discussion by noting that hope is more than wishing for change. In daily conversation, hope is often likened to a wish, as in “I hope the sun shines today.” In this casual sense, hope has hardly any substance; it holds little expectation or promise. The sun might shine, it might not. If the weather forecast indicates sunshine, then what follows is mere prediction. If rain is likely, then are these “hopes” ill-founded? This is the “if wishes were fishes” understanding of hope: If hope simply amounts to wishing for a certain outcome, what value does it hold?

Thinking of hope in this way raises the question of whether fostering hope, let alone spreading it, is setting the table for disappointment, maybe even despair. For “hopes” like these could be discounted for failing to recognize the world as it is, and could be charged as foolishly ignoring signs that things will stay the way they are – or get worse. As you work for change, you certainly don’t want to be labeled a naïve and soft-headed optimist!

In the pages of Eleanor Porter’s 1913 book “Pollyanna,” the title character plays a “glad game,” finding something positive in every miserable occurrence, brightness in pain and death, even finding joy, after losing the use of her legs in a traffic accident, in the realization that she still had her legs. Pollyanna has come to be associated with simple-mindedness – a sunny attitude clung to against reason or compassion. This kind of commitment to the proposition that things are not as bad as they seem is not what we are supporting when we talk about spreading hope.

Etymologist Ernest Klein suggests a connection between “hope” and “hop,” as in a hop, or leap of faith; but we will define and explore hope as a chosen perspective that envisions and acts upon the potential for positive change, even in the face of presumed impossibility.

 

 

This and other sections in the Tool Box chapter on Spirituality and Community Building (Chapter 28) have been written with the support and contributions of experts connected with the Charter for Compassion. For more information about the Charter and its work, visit www.charterforcompassion.org.

 

INTRODUCTION: THE VALUE OF HOSPITALITY

Hospitality is a valuable spiritual asset for community building. It is a sacred ancient art that makes room at the table of consciousness for everyone, stranger and guest alike. In the genuine warmth and welcoming spirit that hospitality is most known for, it spans cultural divides as a nonviolent pathway, transcending background and nationality.

Moreover, its inclusivity extends to all creatures and to our environment. While unique social customs may apply, a shared system of spiritual values and principled attitudes that create hospitality’s pure essence remain. And, as with all spiritual values, it is deeply embedded within human consciousness.

In this section, we will provide a working definition of hospitality, and note its importance in community life. Through personal stories and examples, we will show how community workers might apply it in community building, and suggest how it might be further developed and promoted. We will then conclude with some challenges and reflection questions regarding its current use.

Therefore, may you allow this discourse to be more of an invitation – a banquet of ideas to feast upon – to drop into that deeper space from heady logic into heart-felt expanse where you may encounter a resonant field from your own experiences that gives you permission to broaden your scope of perception, to open your thoughtful arms wider, and to embrace yourself, your family, your community, and humanity at-large. Then this very table is set just for you.

To prepare the ground for a rudimentary understanding of hospitality's richness, the Bible will be our initial guide, for it contains libraries of ancient oral stories replete with symbols of hospitality. Comprehending spiritual values is commonly accomplished through symbols that change with every new era. As a result, we can understand the symbols of today from the wisdom of yesterday.

Three stories of wisdom about hospitality have been chosen here to stimulate thought, expand spiritual awareness, and illustrate a new way to process ideas. The first story is that of Abraham, the patriarch of three major world religions – Judaism, Christianity, and Islam – who is often considered the father of nations and the father of hospitality. The second is from Jesus, who gave us the parable of the Good Samaritan in the Gospel of Luke. And the third is a contemporary story, based on the author’s own experience as a chaplain in today’s correctional institutions. Each of these stories provides an approach that not only touches our sentiments and inspires us to act, but also gives us clear guidance for how to systematically cultivate hospitality through observation, thoughtful questions, and gentle experiments that test our inspiration by moving us out of our comfort zones. In this way, we embody the spiritual values linked with hospitality, enabling them to vivify our way of life.

Especially noticeable within the stories and just as applicable in our times, authentic hospitality and hospitable behavior are able to conquer our fears of refugee migration and various crimes against humanity – hostility, bad blood, genocide, terrorism, and others. The importance and relevance of this understanding for our communities today cannot be overstated, for there is no condition where being the essence of hospitality in our relationships – toward each other, our environment, and all creatures, in all types of communities – will not bless our wide world.

THE STORY OF ABRAHAM

Abram, later renamed Abraham, was the Biblical patriarch who exemplified faith, fidelity, and hospitality. Genesis12 tells the story of how Abraham was called by God to follow a step-by-step process of inner spiritual growth prior to becoming a successful community builder of developing nations, as was his promised destiny. He would need to:

• Follow God’s command
• Separate himself from his own heredity, heritage, traditions, and tribal views
• Transcend his own sensory indulgences
• Overcome great hostility from others, as experienced in the war with the five kings
• Be rewarded by the hospitality of Melchizedek, King of Salem (Peace), who appeared with nourishment – bread, wine, and blessings – for Abram's perseverance in seeking, finding, and utilizing his newly-discovered spiritual assets with each step taken
• Be renamed Abraham, personally identifying with those spiritual qualities as his own nature

By performing these tasks, Abraham was prepared to humbly provide a true sense of hospitality to visiting messengers through rest and comfort; he offered them shelter and food; he washed their feet; he served and protected them. He was then rewarded with safety for himself, and the promise of a child.

LESSONS FROM THE STORY OF ABRAHAM

Each step Abraham took, and each challenge he overcame, was rewarded by others until he was able to provide that same sense of hospitality to others. Only then would the promise be fulfilled and multiplied throughout the communities and nations that Abraham would father.

This same pattern will work for us in building the true sense of community – our promised child. That definitive step-by-step process, from individual spiritual awakening to trusting the guiding principles, will cast out preconceived notions and obsolete traditions, leaving us with the hospitable nourishment that provides peaceful resolve for the day. Despite today's faster pace, we can tap into our own intuition to release antiquated belief systems that may prevent us from serving our communities from a peace-centered standpoint.

As community workers, we too will be faced or even blind-sided at times with various issues or challenges from co-workers, authorities, or political figures. Therefore, to prepare ourselves, it is well to ask, “Can I expect hospitality to save me from engaging in direct conflict?” and “Can it shift my perception to taking no offense from others’ ill-timed remarks, so that we may all continue to move forward in advancing the community?” When true hospitality is acquired, the answers to these questions will be a resounding “Yes.”

THE PARABLE OF THE GOOD SAMARITAN

In the Biblical books of Leviticus and Deuteronomy, the cornerstone of hospitality is presented:

And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might....and thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.

(Deuteronomy 6:5)

And further:

And if a stranger sojourn with thee in your land, ye shall not vex him. But the stranger that dwelleth with you shall be unto you as one born among you, and thou shalt love him as thyself; For ye were strangers in the land of Egypt....

(Leviticus 19:33)

In the Gospel of Luke, Jesus exemplifies these laws with his answer to a query of temptation: “Teacher, what shall I do to inherit eternal life?” (Luke 18:18). Through the famous Parable of the Good Samaritan, Jesus then gives an answer showing how hostile brutality could be overcome through a relationship endowed with the full range of hospitality:

A certain man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and he fell among robbers, who both stripped him and beat him, and departed, leaving him half dead. By chance a certain priest was going down that way. When he saw him, he passed by on the other side. In the same way a Levite also, when he came to the place, and saw him, passed by on the other side.

But a certain Samaritan, as he traveled, came where he was. When he saw him, he was moved with compassion, came to him, and bound up his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. He set him on his own animal, and brought him to an inn, and took care of him. … Now which of these three do you think seemed to be a neighbor to him who fell among the robbers?"

The questioner said, “He who showed mercy on him."

Then Jesus said to him, "Go and do likewise."

(Luke 10:30-34, 36-37, World Bible)

 

 

LESSONS FROM THE PARABLE OF THE GOOD SAMARITAN

The Good Samaritan displayed an unequaled sense of hospitality that incorporated moral courage in the midst of hostile territory – the courage to be honest, responsible, respectful, fair, and compassionate. And in practice it is "the willing endurance of significant danger for the sake of principle." (Kidder, 1996).

The road where the Good Samaritan happened upon the brutalized stranger was known as “The Way of Blood,” due to the constant, savage muggings normally ending in death. He, therefore, risked all for the sake of this principle – that all life matters – and proved that it is not enough to have spiritual values: Those values must also be put into action.

The Good Samaritan's response also illustrated a new and more advanced model of hospitality, one calling us to aid another in less than welcoming, even abhorrent, circumstances. And possibly even more profound was the fact that Samaritans were hated by the Jews. They were considered a blight on the face of humanity, mortal enemies, and people who were derogatorily labeled as "half-breeds" and treated as outcasts with no access to God or the Temple of Jerusalem.

Yet, here was a Samaritan with a consciousness so undefiled, so pure, that he did not see an enemy. He would illustrate what representatives of the religious and political arenas did not – great empathy, demonstrating compassion and love so lavish it knew no boundaries. The Samaritan bound up the man's wounds, carried him to an inn, cared for him through the night, and also gave the innkeeper enough money to continue his care for two months with the promise of more if needed – an unlimited sense of love without end.

For community builders, this parable leads us to ask ourselves: “Am I willing to become a spiritual activist of hospitality, as was the Good Samaritan?” “Am I a neighbor who loves lavishly in an unqualified way?” “Can I demonstrate love that knows no limitations to my family, let alone an enemy?” “Am I to show the same degree of hospitality to others within my community practice? If so, how?” “Do I understand that as I exemplify these core spiritual values of hospitality in daily practice, this gives others – recipients and observers alike – permission to do the same?” “What will my story be for my community: hospitable behavior, or a detached, apathetic attitude that walks on by?”

HOSPITALITY IN THE FACE OF A HOSTAGE SITUATION IN THE JUSTICE SYSTEM

(A recollection from Linn Moffett, the author of this section.)

As a chaplain in seven jails for over eight years, I have seen hospitality shine brightly in some very long and dark corners.

As a bit of a maverick chaplain, I once took action to encourage a county sheriff and guards to allow a separate meeting time for incarcerated people with intellectual or developmental disabilities, housed in their own cell block. The guards were ever finding ways to discourage activities for chaplains, and felt that they had the perfect solution to stop my persistence in attempting to bring adequate inspiration, spiritual, moral, and ethical teachings, hope, and comfort to the inmates.

On one of my appointed times for a group service for the men, the other incarcerated people were ushered into the chapel. The doors were closed and locked, with no attending guards on the inside. This act in itself was completely in violation of the rules. After a short interval, the men from the housing unit for incarcerated people with intellectual or developmental disabilities were brought into the mix and we were all locked inside the same room. Again, with no attending guards. An added violation, as the mentally challenged were never to mix with the regular cell block inmates.

Mayhem ensued, as several guards watched through the back wall of bullet-proof glass, sneering and laughing. To their chagrin, I was completely unafraid as I sat in the front of the room. Then, one of the other incarcerated people in the front row, a very large man attempting intimidation in the midst of this chaos, stood up, puffed up, faced me directly, then boomed, “Well, honey, are you going to save us all?”

My initial reaction was a giggle. I then humbly responded, “No sir, that is not my job. I leave that up to the Christ.” He silently stood still for a moment, turned to the room of yelling inmates with flying debris, and with authority insisted that everyone sit down and be completely quiet or they would answer to him. Within moments the room was quiet, chairs in place with everyone seated, and there was a tangible presence of respect, honor, and gratitude. I continued the service, not only without any further scene but with a full complement of respectful attention.

This incident completely baffled the guards and brought a renewed respect for the office of chaplain from that time forward. One of the guards inquired, “Why weren't you afraid?” “How could you maintain composure through all of that chaos?” And, “Why did you not seek retribution from the participating guards, including me, in their power play, their complete abuse of the justice system, and your being put in a hostage situation by those who were paid to protect you?”

I gently smiled and advised him that I never did count on any of them for my protection. My protection came from embodying those spiritual qualities belonging to hospitality – an open, receptive, and nurturing love for humanity, along with drawing on the inner peace that calms and comforts no matter the storm. He became very pensive. This story was later circulated among the guards throughout the different maximum security jails. It even rippled into inmates’ cells across county lines as news travelled out into the communities, since it was considered a miraculous event. Having been shown actual evidence of a radical and spiritually-based hospitality, this one incident blessed even those chaplains of different faiths.

LESSONS FROM HOSPITALITY IN THE FACE OF A HOSTAGE SITUATION

A key lesson from this story, and from the other stories cited above, is that to act hospitably sometimes means moving out of one’s personal comfort zone; and it can mean taking some risk. But hospitable action is an incredibly powerful way to expand mind and heart.

So, can you let these stories become subjective? Can you allow them to manifest themselves in your home, in your business, in your thinking, in your body, and in your life – and then to go even beyond action, as we learn the art of being hospitable? After all, this is not only our true nature that we are contemplating; it is our true employment in the rebuilding of our individual natures – for ourselves, our communities, and our world.

 

DEFINITION: THE NATURE AND SCOPE OF HOSPITALITY

As we have seen through the above examples, hospitality is a compound idea – one that incorporates a number of spiritual values, tightly woven together. Its overarching essence is Love – a love for all of Life's manifestations, taking into consideration the artful details of ambience, service, cuisine, entertainment, and protection that warm and enchant the senses, satisfy the heart with attentive care and tenderness, promote festivity, provide a rhythm to life's expressions, and furnish a safe haven. As such, hospitality is a multi-faceted jewel with a treasure trove of virtues and spiritual values.

Hospitality's roots are derived from the Latin hospes (masculine) and hospita (feminine), and also, according to the Oxford and Webster Dictionaries, from the Old French hospitalite, all pointing to “the friendly and generous reception and entertainment of guests, visitors, or strangers.” Then, as modified by time, “… the business of entertaining clients, business delegates, or other official visitors.”

We also discover from its root that hospitality can refer to both host and guest, or to a traveling guest, or stranger. It is easy to recognize many of the derivative forms that it takes, such as hospice, hostel, hotel, hospital, host, and hostess. The innkeeper was considered as presiding over a house of God, providing a sacred place for shelter and sustenance for travelers, but more to receive strangers as guests.

Hospes/hospita, as stated, is also the source of the word “hospital,” “a word that in 14th-century English referred to an inn; took on in the 15th century the meaning of a refuge for the homeless, and was being used widely by the 16th century for an institution that cares for the sick.” References at the end of this section will allow a more in-depth investigation.

The French scholar and prolific contributor to the Encyclopedia, Chevalier Louis de Jaucourt (1704-1779), describes hospitality as “the virtue of a great soul that cares for the whole universe through the ties of humanity.” He pointed out that historically a variety of cultures – in Egypt, Ethiopia, Persia, Italy, Greece, and Rome – expanded hospitality to include edifices built to receive and house foreigners beyond peoples' individual homes, whereas the Israelites narrowed their concept of hospitality when their commerce ended with neighboring communities.

The Germans, Celts, Gauls, and Atlantic peoples considered it sacrilege to close one's door to any man, known or unknown. Asians spared nothing in hosting their visitors, including the washing of feet or full baths prior to their welcoming festivities; afterwards, they would invoke the protecting gods of hospitality to watch over and care for their honored guests. And Indians, the most hospitable of all, treated enslaved people as they treated themselves and welcomed travelers through the “establishment of hospices and specific magistracies for furnishing travelers with life's necessities,” even to the extent of “taking care of the funerals for those who died on their land.”

Since both giver and receiver were considered blessed through their coming together, it was an accepted form of gratitude for both to leave a gift that marked the hospitality given toward individuals, entire families, and even cities. A coin, piece of wood, or ivory would be cut in half and given to each party for posterity to mark the occasion as sacrosanct, much like the love heart half-necklaces and friendship bracelets of the 20th and 21st centuries. It was also generally accepted across cultures that if hospitality was not granted to an individual or group, it was considered a crime against humanity

Globally then, we discover that hospitality was considered a sacred art that united all nations, until commerce broke the ties of benevolence among individuals and shifted their focus from a love of people to a love of financial interest. Now, through a detached sense of humanity, the wealthy pay for the services of hospitality, further severing the ties that bind the hearts of men in fellowship.

Do we now understand that being authentically hospitable is a matter of our whole orientation to ourselves and to each other, as it redefines all of our relationships? It might also help to consider how blending the elements of hospitality enables us to touch the sentiments, creating a definite feeling of hospitality. A hospitable person is likely to exhibit tangible generosity of spirit, confidently comfortable and co-operative charitableness, unsparing graciousness, ungrudging sincerity, and an all-inclusive welcome with open-heartedness and festivity.

So as we sit on the hearth of hospitality, in the warmth of its grand array, we may contemplate the infinite range of its expression. We can hear its call, inviting us in to partake of this consciousness so vital to our own needs and that of our communities.

 

THE IMPORTANCE OF HOSPITALITY AND HOSPITABLE BEHAVIOR FOR COMMUNITY BUILDING

THE RELEVANCE OF HOSPITABLE BEHAVIOR

As we begin to understand through our definitions, stories, and a few real-life examples of hospitality, every layer of hospitable behavior reveals something new about the cohesiveness of the larger community of mankind. These lessons are not only relevant, but imperative for our health, welfare, and general living conditions.

People are hungry for community, and for communities that connect us in meaningful ways, especially when events, such as our current immigration crisis, challenge previous societal norms. As Michal Vasecka, a university sociologist from the Czech Republic, has stated: “We are deeply uninclusive societies. Migration reveals this unpleasant truth about ourselves.”

It is true that these are extraordinary times, uncovering our deepest fears. Could there then be a better time for authentic hospitality, inspired by love, to re-appear? Community builders have the potential to alter unhealthy barriers and welcome newcomers into a true community – one that is rich in diversity, conscious in acceptance, and where there is room at the table for everyone. Being hospitable can transform all of our relationships.

THE CONVERGENCE OF THE SCIENCES AND SPIRITUALITY IN HOSPITABLE BEHAVIOR

An emerging and exciting trend of consciousness studies is that neuroscience and psychotherapy are including and adopting spiritual practices. These in turn are re-creating practical approaches to overcome addictive spirals, and to help people heal from old, even generational traumas, so that they may live full, productive, and empowered lives. Those lives may then serve their beloved communities from a hospitable, healed space instead of being held hostage to their wounded places and combustible fear-based behaviors.

The neurosciences, supported by interdisciplinary scientific collaborations, now have definitive proof that the human nervous system responds very effectively to those spiritual characteristics inherent within hospitality. More than that, evidence shows that new pathways to higher functioning are simultaneously created – the brain actually lights up, creating a sense of euphoria.

Some sample developments:

• Heartmath, which utilizes modern technology to teach people how to live from the heart, is just one of many scientific organizations that recognizes humanity's need to move from learned habits that are less than hospitable and that negatively affect the health of mankind. It emphasizes technological tools to enhance spiritual-mindedness.
• Bruce H. Lipton, a pioneering biologist, has shown in his Biology of a Belief and other books how our limited and temporal belief systems shape patterns of behavior that affect every cell within our bodies. Negative input appears as disease, whereas spiritual-mindedness filled with positive input appears as a co-operative system that is able to spontaneously evolve.
• The Science of Being Institute takes a different approach, by redefining human anatomy as a system of temporal beliefs that could keep mankind entangled in a false framework of reference ruled by selfishness instead of selflessness. Such systems can train us out of our basic spiritual essence, even though we are naturally open to the heart of humanity, and can spontaneously evolve with a spiritual understanding that elevates the human race.

These are just a few organizations and individuals dedicated to re-educating and helping humanity that take a different direction to heal old wounds for the betterment of our communities and all their residents. If we can therefore cultivate and develop those characteristics that create hospitable behavior, we will get a direct payoff by living better and caring for each other all along the way.

THE EFFECTIVENESS OF HOSPITALITY IN COMMUNITY BUILDING

The effect of hospitality on an individual and/or community is to stir the human sentiments to a more loving standard of being – cooperating and cohabitating as neighborhoods within communities.

Community builders will discover that to be truly effective, a few key elements of hospitality must be perpetually present: mutual respect, the ethics of reciprocity, and friendly, interdependent co-operation. These powerful components help gain trust that builds personal confidence in relationships and therefore helps construct a thriving and sustainable community, where individuals continue to be inspired to work with each other for the common good.

However, many times it is more difficult to be effective with people that we do know or have been working with, since we have made assumptions about them. It may be easier to be hospitable toward those we are not close to. If we discover this is true, it is a definite call to check our motives. Do we actually embrace the qualities of hospitality as part of our own nature, or is it just surface appearance? If it is superficial, we are in for a rude awakening, since the deep-seated truth of any situation will eventually rise to the surface, compromising the health of any relationship and certainly any joint effort.

Recalling the Good Samaritan's supremely effective hospitality, we should ask ourselves: “Will we walk on the other side of the street or not even look into the eyes of that person experiencing homelessness, thereby depriving him or her of being considered worthy of membership in our community?” “Have we ever shared a sandwich with them on the curbside or under a tree?” “Do we understand, or just underestimate, their predicament?” “Are we able to care, to take the time to talk with them, and not think that by giving them a dollar we have fulfilled our quota in being a community builder?” That has never been an effective solution.   

It is true that some are mentally challenged, and others abuse the system from learned responses to poverty; but it is also true that some have fallen prey to the economic crisis, forced migration, or an abusive situation, and that any form of hospitality would bring relief to their suffering.

And are we conscious of those in need within our communities? This is not to imply that we should look for problems that are not there, but rather to be conscious and ready to extend a helping hand to all living beings, whether by providing directions to a stranger with the gift of a warm smile, by picking up a baby bird that has fallen from her nest and gently putting her back in, or by helping a senior bicyclist who has found the only pothole in the street and crashed in the midst of traffic.

All these scenarios and certainly many more are invitations to become conscious of our community surroundings and to promote hospitality as an effective and health-giving solution, both in minor details as well as in major community projects.

 

FAVORABLE CONDITIONS FOR BEING HOSPITABLE

All conditions are favorable for being hospitable, but some are more favorable than others. It is especially desirable and useful to be hospitable when:

• There have been particular conflicts in the community.
• There is a particular opportunity for community leaders and members to promote hospitality, such as when there has been an influx of new residents to the community, whether as job-seekers, refugees, or otherwise.
• Some members of the community have been criticized, rejected, or physically or emotionally harmed simply because of their association with a particular group or category.

But another favorable and necessary condition for hospitality involves personal, spiritual, and physical preparation. If such preparation has not been made, it is much more difficult for true hospitality to be expressed. For real change, transformation, metamorphosis – whatever term appeals to you – is ushered in only through spirit-infused messages as when heart speaks to waiting heart. It is important to ask yourself if you are ready and able to have the humility that it takes to allow these changes to take place.

As an example, let’s consider a community meeting I once chaired as President. It had escalated into hostile expressions of strong differences of opinion. One person's passionate reaction, voice tonality, and body language had been triggered by a single word in a discussion and immediate hostility ensued, leading to verbal battle. But as Chair, I engaged in a full array of hospitable behavior, as sacred listening, empathy, a peaceful resolve, and mindful (not reactionary) response were welcomed into my thought. The situation gently defused; the atmosphere shifted to the positive, demonstrating that hospitable behavior strengthened the group, with the added benefit of providing an example of how hospitality can pro-actively resolve conflicts.

Across the globe, the world convulses with old and new forms of more aggressive acts of oppression, tyranny, and terror, because the collective consciousness is being fed through negativity. Yet this is exactly where heartfelt hospitality is able to break down such negative influences. Through inner stillness, the qualities of hospitality provide the balance innately woven within the structure of each one of us, our beautiful planet, and our universe – from a blade of grass to the cosmos and everything in between. We just need to be reminded of who we really are and how we can attune to this larger system, since our lives extend far beyond our perceived limitations.

That is, a fundamental aspect of hospitality and of our human experience is that all life is interdependent, operating as an integral whole. We need each other. As translated down to our everyday experiences, it is not necessarily what is said, it is rather what the other person hears that has everything to do with how we make them feel. Therefore, the qualities of hospitality play a crucial role in every part of our everyday life – not just in the basic courtesy or warm welcome extended to a guest in our home, or even to an action to reconcile a disagreement. In this sense, the definition of “home” can be extended and redefined to be that sacred place called spiritual consciousness, which is always hospitable.

And yet, some of the bigger questions remain. To what extent are we ready to take on a commitment to being fully hospitable? How far will we go to advocate for an individual case, service, or cause that would raise the community to be a model for others to follow? Do we have the courage to really listen to the community's heartbeat, move into its rhythm, and participate at any level? Is it our responsibility? Are we willing to move out of our perceived comfort zones to extend comfort to others right where they are?

My personal experience has been that if you are the one that is presented with a community challenge, then it is yours to meet; for at some level you have been prepared for it to show up and teach you higher levels of hospitable behavior for the community and its people. We must learn to take off self-imposed limitations to discover our freedom and therein find moments of free time to serve our communities and both create and sustain more favorable conditions.

 

HOW TO BE HOSPITABLE: STORIES AND LESSONS OF HOSPITALITY IN ACTION

As community builders, there are almost unlimited opportunities to provide hospitality, in widely varying settings. And offering such hospitality can allow us to express our creativity in ways that can not only involve sharing a festive meal, but can also enchant the senses, furnish a safe haven, and satisfy the heart with attentive care and tenderness.

Let’s give some examples. In this part of our section, we offer some varied stories and lessons about hospitality in action.

HOSPITALITY ACROSS CULTURAL DIVIDES

An assignment from a major Japanese corporation was for me to provide hospitality to a young Japanese couple who had just arrived in America on a five-year contract. I was chosen to make them feel at home in their new culture – a high honor, since Japanese people are known for their hospitality. This position drew upon the full range of what I knew about hospitality and had been using as a daily practice of service to humanity.

Our first meeting was mildly successful. The twenty-something couple came to visit for a casual lunch. They were gently curious about everything and requested a full tour of my modest home. Pleasantly surprised to discover that I had a penchant for Orientalia, they exuded excitement as they came upon a triptych, an original artwork by a famous Japanese artist. My guest explained that this work represented the ancient art of Chokin, originating in 10th and 11th -century Japan to decorate Samurais' armaments, and that the original meaning of samurai is “those who serve.” The core values of a samurai and of hospitality are much the same.

The next week, my husband and I were invited to their apartment and treated as highly honored guests. The husband and wife, donning their beautiful kimonos, greeted us in deeply held low bows of stillness. They explained their social customs as we were humbly led through the rituals of bowing, shoe removal, and sitting on the floor. There we received small hot cleansing towels and then experienced the full tea ceremony with freshly prepared confections and a gentle conversation that continued for about three hours. The tea was a delicious extravagance from Japan. Attuned to my sensory delight, they presented me with a generous supply of tea as a gift.

Their every movement was an exquisite display of fluidity, poetry, and attentiveness – an art where every motion was accomplished with such conscious awareness as to paint beauty into the atmosphere being breathed in and then translated as inner peace.

I was so deeply infused with this type of prayerful practice that I would never be the same; I would now upgrade my sense of hospitality into everyday gratitude and service of this type at home and within my community.

Can you imagine a community permeated with this type of hospitality? Where harmony promotes a feeling of oneness with all people and all nature, including the atmospheric conditions. Where respect is naturally born of a grateful heart and animates one’s every action toward others and even to inanimate objects. Where purity of thought is as important as the cleanliness of one's home or a dish, the spiritual focus remaining the same throughout every task. And, where a tangible state of tranquility, not attainable through conscious effort but as a way of grace, serves as the same dynamic and significant force that infused the tea ceremony. Are you ready to embrace this honorable and peace-centered state of being for your own sake and that of your home, community, and country?

These deep underlying qualities have been preserved for millennia. They yield an enhanced life-style that is warm and welcoming, higher profitability in all things including relationships, and greater long-term growth, development, and sustainability for the community and its people. Who would not want to bring these combined energies to bear in building this new model of hospitable behavior?

TEACHING CHILDREN HOSPITALITY – FROM THE REMOTE AREAS OF AFRICA

A simple and beautifully touching practice in remote areas of Kenya is that young children are taught to always prepare more food at every meal than is necessary for the family, in constant anticipation that a weary traveler might be in need of sustenance and a place to rest for the night.

This is an early education in hospitality where the gift of benevolence is from their abundant heart, not from scarcity or want. Nor does fear enter in, for there is an unspoken reality that any traveler would be a fool to steal from or harm a host, since the entire community would become first responders to protect any host family. And though tribalism remains prevalent, a vibrancy still radiates into the neighborhoods and binds them together, continuing to strengthen their cohesiveness through hospitable behavior toward each tribe, as common ground is shared. The successful story of Ngochoni Petals of Africa School is just such a narrative.

HOSPITALITY WITHIN AN INTERFAITH FOUNDATION ON A UNIVERSITY CAMPUS

The only interfaith foundation located on a university campus in the U.S. is housed in a small temporary building, but one normally burgeoning with the smiling faces of students, clergy, and professors. It is a hub of activity where spiritual meetings, counsellings, and multi-faith services occur constantly. A unique aspect of this community also involves a well-attended weekly luncheon open to students, professors, priests, chaplains, ministers, rabbis, imams, and any other denomination wishing to be represented.

Sharing meals together is an aspect of hospitality that builds strong relationships, seen here in the joy of working with each other – in this case, through setting up and breaking down tables and chairs, decorating for celebrations, group cooking and serving of food, musical performances, and stimulating conversations.

An abundant cultural diversity is ever-present. Everyone interacts with loving countenances, whether they are doing homework, socializing, eating, or praying individually or collectively. Fundraising events are always well attended, since the key attributes of hospitality are shared – warm welcomes, willing hands, and open hearts.

This Interfaith Foundation provides a safe haven where hospitality is practiced effortlessly on a daily basis, as a natural outcome of love and gratitude for its sacred space on campus.

HOSPITALITY IN SUNDAY SCHOOL CLASSES AND NEIGHBORHOOD OPEN FORUMS

Teaching all age levels of Sunday school classes in a church and teaching multi-cultural Open Forums in neighborhoods have brought considerable opportunities to utilize and teach hospitality and hospitable behavior for more than 30 years. Through use of stories and symbols (Jedi Training was a favorite for the youngsters – do not be afraid of improvisation and innovation) appropriate for each grade level, hospitable attitudes were discussed and practiced as the youth wrestled with moral and ethical issues, too often far beyond their innocence.

Spiritual teaching is not meant to be theoretical, but rather supremely practical in the everyday lives of each of us, and it is certainly necessary to train our youth in interacting with family and friends, classmates, school groups, and teachers. Hospitality and its inherent qualities are needed assets for their mental lunch boxes and to counteract popular cultural obsessions, such as noses in cell phones. I supported their growing understanding through mentoring sociability beyond Sunday school and open forums, by attending their school classrooms, drama clubs, and dinners with parents. This provided a blueprint for the students and parents to follow in being hospitable within their own spheres.

As a servant leader, teacher, and radical hospitality advocate, this work was a true community-building activity that gave young children, youth, and adults a very different experience, with a focus on the importance of creating communities based on their inherent hospitable qualities.

THE TRANSFORMATIVE POWER OF HOSPITALITY

As we learn more about the guiding principles of hospitality, do not be surprised if a transformation begins to appear. Where might that transformation lead?

Within yourself, it might lead you to become more:

• Inspired and courageous
• Clear (selfless, unencumbered by agendas)
• Disciplined and happy
• Powerful (“When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace” – Jimi Hendrix)
• Abundant
• Openly authentic and dignified
• Peaceful
• Filled with purpose for the common good

Toward others, you might become more:

• Welcoming and receptive (as a listener)
• Compassionate
• Focused
• Friendly, polite, and relatable
• Generous and charitable
• Honest
• Comforting and comfortable
• Filled with grace, and ready to reciprocate and nourish

And the Community itself might become more:

• Mindfully curious
• Resilient
• Steadfast
• Responsible and constructive in dialogue
• Dynamic
• Ethical
• Resolved
• Joy-filled, in celebration that its members have the honor to be in service to it

Cultivating hospitality and hospitable behavior is one of the wisest possible investments: It is an investment in self, in relationships, in community, and in global affairs.

 

DEVELOPING AND PROMOTING THE ART OF HOSPITALITY

As can be seen and felt through the previous illustrations, a first requirement in developing and promoting hospitality is to approach the setting from a peaceful center of prepared and expectant thought. But, how do we get there from here?

Recall that hospitality is a spiritual value with many branches, reaching out in a non-linear manner. Accordingly, developing hospitality requires an openness and receptivity of thought as the starting point for the seed of hospitality to grow, develop, and be promoted. Many methods enable us to move into a central space of inner peace. And while what works for one might not work for another, one useful pathway is described below.

TEACHING AND LEARNING HOSPITALITY AND HOSPITABLE BEHAVIOR THROUGH A MEDITATIVE PRACTICE

 For those searching for a way to calm their internal chatter and to rediscover their spiritual center for authentic hospitality to shine through, I have designed a creative process called Seven Steps to Cultivate Spiritual Consciousness. A description and details of these Seven Steps are given in a tool that accompanies this section. The Seven Steps have proven to be very effective in transforming behaviors not previously aligned with hospitality’s spiritual values. While this process is not meant to be proscriptive or prescriptive, it can speed individual and collective or group progress to learn how to:

• Grasp the nuances of hospitality that can expand one’s frame of reference
• Enhance confidence, empower gentleness of spirit, and move unhelpful emotional behavior out of consciousness
• Hear and heed one’s inner voice of guidance, to enable the constant discovery of fresh, innovative ideas
• Allow the flow of a genuine hospitable demeanor that continues to expand and become more inclusive for its community

The Seven Steps teach us that we should celebrate goodness wherever found, for the spirit of hospitality is most ardently felt when human relationships, familiar customs, and the belief systems of old are undergoing dramatic changes. And we should embrace these changes with gratitude and appreciation, since these are measures of our spiritual evolution from hostility to hospitality.

While we have identified seven key steps to cultivate spiritual consciousness, continued practice is the key. We should not think that a surface study of this or any teaching and learning tool will accomplish anything. We are rather describing a meditative practice that requires persistence, cherishing, and nurturing hospitality to bring forward its gifts. We should listen to our soul with newfound spiritual understanding, for that opens doors to profoundly enhance our lives and the communities we live, work, and play in. In the words of Lao Tzu, “Music in the soul can be heard by the universe.”

To bring home the practical value of meditative practice, let us illustrate with some examples showing how such practice can lead to powerful real-world results.

REAL-LIFE EXAMPLES OF HOW MEDITATIVE PRACTICE INSPIRES BUILDING COMMUNITY

Training Volunteers in the Art of Hospitality

I was called upon by the headquarters of a major East Coast publishing house to recruit and develop a cadre of over 100 volunteer publisher representatives to contact bookstores on the West Coast. This entailed training in many areas. It was a grassroots project requiring a pioneering spirit; the new recruits who wanted to be part of this project had very little experience in anything closely related.

The new recruits needed to be trained in hospitality. This training was interactive, based on the Seven Steps to Cultivate Spiritual Consciousness, described in the Appendix to this section. It taught how to overcome resistance by first addressing resistance within ourselves. This method acts as a filtration system that answers objections before they arise, in an approach so gentle that it is rarely recognized.

In addition to gathering the recruits and training them through group and individual sessions, it was my job to orchestrate bookstore events, and the volunteer's work to ensure that every bookstore in the Los Angeles basin and surrounding cities was fully stocked with a particular book. Since many bookstores had not heard of this book or author, it was very necessary for the volunteers to understand and assimilate the spiritual qualities of hospitality – for these assets are more effective influencers than traditional sales techniques. And ultimately, the majority of stores responded positively by carrying this book.

The majority of the volunteers had absolutely no experience in the area of hospitality, let alone meeting face-to-face with managers who did not want to stock anything beyond what was already on their shelves and back rooms. It quickly became apparent that a large group training day on hospitality was needed. I set out to find a facility that would accommodate a large group meeting centrally located to the majority of volunteers.

So I was pleasantly surprised to discover a premier hotel of historical significance in Manhattan Beach, CA, owned by a former movie star with a heart of great benevolence. As I shared my hope to do a mass training on hospitality for our work, she offered her hotel and personnel gratis if she and some of her staff could attend the sessions. It was a beautiful example of Love's synchronicity.

As a servant leader who saw this project succeed through those volunteers, my gratitude continually spilled over. Gratitude is another powerful aspect of hospitality that gives birth to unexpected blessings in unforeseen ways of sheer delight – expect this in your own work!

In this example, a micro-community of devoted individuals was created within an enormous metropolis, spreading the spiritual qualities of hospitality on every street they traveled, in every hand shaken, and in every bookstore. Its impression can still be felt. And it was recognized and appreciated by the East Coast publisher, who then sent me to represent them and train others at American Book Association meetings in Chicago, then to Boston, and to Portsmouth, New Hampshire, to further train an international group of sales managers.

Hospitality within the Neighborhood

Every morning in the wee hours of a breaking dawn, I would walk my two beloved Afghan Hounds prior to getting the household up and out to school and myself to work. It was often a time of deep reflection and prayer to start the day. However, admittedly there were times that walking the dogs often felt more like a chore, instead of appreciating all that these beauties gave to the family unit. And there were days when I actually resented this activity, even though the dogs were not my children's but mine.

But one day, after many years of walking the same route throughout the neighborhood, an older neighbor came outside to engage us. She let me know that she was moving. At first thought, since I was also President of our homeowner's association, I assumed that was her reason for approach.

However, as she continued, she informed me with undeterred gratitude that every morning she would sit by the window with her coffee and wait for us to walk by. This very act of walking my dogs caused her to feel a sense of deep peace and complete safety. She further confided that she could feel the love I expressed for my dogs and for our community partly by my being consistently present over so many years.

We embraced as tears freely flowed for our individual reasons of sheer gratitude. Such gratitude is a powerful aspect of hospitality – for one cannot effectively receive without knowing how to give unconditionally. The welcome recognition that I had touched someone's heart without being consciously aware of it was actually an “unconditional” act of giving love, flowing unrestrictedly out into the community.

This was a powerful example of hospitality in action. Here is another:

The Direct Healing Power of Hospitality

As a Chaplain, my early morning spiritual practice after walking my Afghan Hounds was to study, meditate, and pray for several hours prior to any other activity. One morning a friend, who was driving a great distance to share a pre-planned shopping day, literally blew through the front screen door enraged due to a difficult three-hour trip. Another motorist had attempted to run her off the road and nearly succeeded. It did not help her red-faced and shaking body to discover that I was still at prayerful study and not ready to shop. For every time I attempted to get up to dress, it was as if a hand on my shoulder sat me back down to continue in prayer. I obliged without question.

The preparation of spiritual consciousness was about to open several gifts in this one day. First, as I quietly looked upon my friend in my home, without leaving my chair and without a word, I witnessed her rage melt like hot wax down her body to her feet and then disappear. She stood in stillness for a moment, then warmly smiled and gently asked if I was now able to get ready for our day together. I lovingly smiled and moved to do just that.

Second, now completely refreshed and relaxed, she insisted on driving. As we approached our first destination, there were two men holding torn hand-made cardboard signs of “Will work for food.” Not an uncommon sight for all too many years now. However, this time was very different for me. I insisted that we stop to talk to one man in particular. My friend was completely against this activity, but with a definite confidence I boldly persisted. I knew exactly which man I was to speak with and made arrangements to pick him up the next day.

From a perspective of worldly consciousness, my friend insisted I was not only foolish but over-the-top unwise (attended by several expletives!). It consumed her thought as continued objections flowed from her heart. How could I even consider taking a man experiencing homelessness into my home? These objections lasted throughout the entire day of shopping and ranged from every suggestion of robbery to bodily suffering and torture to violent death, all in an attempt to move my thought from the higher consciousness that I was entertaining into a state of fear. Any portion of fear would have satisfied her.

Even as I tried to quench her fears with every breath, I could see that my statements, although filled with the spirit of love, were never going to be enough to convince her that there is safety in following spiritual intuition that permeates consciousness. And maintaining the purity of one’s spiritual intuition is necessary to assure that safety – for even a thought seed of corruption, no matter how slight or subtle, will spoil the entire blessing and cause it to drop into the land where fear is king. To maintain the axiom, “As in heaven, so on earth” was my current job, and she (and I) were about to discover this in real time through my experience, which she would later share.

We had been best friends for a very long time; our children had gone through their teen years together and were now on their own with their own families. My only roommates were my beloved pets. Normally I would have considered her objections, given her strong ability to persuade based on our long friendship. However, this situation did not come under the umbrella of anything humanly derived or contrived. It was an invitation from my spiritual intuition to accept the man's work in exchange for food.

After picking the man up the next day, I showed him all that needed repair in my home. Previous handymen and carpenters had advised that some small items were not repairable. I was about to discover the largesse of hospitality’s blessing – for both of us. This man was a talented carpenter and advised that everything could be repaired, from the smallest of items to the larger.

My next insistence to this fellow involved a much needed shower, while I washed all of his belongings including his sleeping bag. The smells were very difficult to work with and overcome, but I was able to provide him with fresh clothing from a son's closet that I had not gone through and then cooked him a full hot meal prior to any work expected or accomplished. Our dinner conversation was completely open as he shared about experiencing homelessness – the why's and the wherefores. Based on laws from another state, his former wife had taken the house he had designed and built for their life together, leaving him with only his truck and tools.

Then he had been beaten, and had all of his tools stolen, then his truck. He literally had nothing left. Another man experiencing homelessness had provided him with the stinky sleeping bag that he had been using for over a year – his only warmth and sense of comfort. When I met him, he was living under a bridge. And, experiencing homelessness, he was forced to be continually on the move, hiding under bushes or highway underpasses, since a person experiencing homelessness in our society often runs afoul of the law. (Law enforcement is frequently on the lookout to move people experiencing homelessness out of their communities. Has your own city become a City of Compassion and hospitality in the broadest sense? If so, inherent blessings will be revealed.)

I was so divinely impelled by this gentle man's presence and complete honesty that I offered him a full complement of hospitality in exchange for his work. This included sharing my home, with his own bathroom and new toiletries, and preparation of all food – we ate meals together, I did his laundry, and trusted him in my home when I worked and shopped for the food. He repaired everything with the talent of an artisan and beyond, even to painting a room. In the evenings, we shared brilliant conversations, board games, and television; we became great “roommates.”

He accepted my hospitality for about a month when my best friend, though originally antagonistic to this situation, asked if he would help at her home in the mountains (since I hadn’t turned up dead). He agreed. She was able to provide him with a small wage and a place to live in exchange for his work. Several months later, she helped him find his next position, a more lucrative situation that allowed him to re-enter a new way of life where he belonged, because he had been healed of his grief and deep resentment.

There is no way to measure the benefits of the expansion of consciousness and spiritual power brought about by this full experience in hospitality, with all of its added blessings to everyone participating. We spiritually heard each other’s song, sang it back to them, and strengthened the fabric of humanity as a whole by a small degree.

 

POTENTIAL START-UP IDEAS FOR HOSPITALITY IN NEIGHBORHOODS

COMMUNITY HOSPITALITY NIGHT

Many communities I have lived in participate in an annual Hospitality Night, usually in December. It is a wonderful celebration of community in the downtown area where neighbors meet. Holiday decorations and lights line the streets creating a sense of magic, while neighbors stroll with their families and pets, greeting others and meeting new friends.

Live music is in the air and throughout the streets, with costumed carolers roaming, and a special arrival of Santa and his reindeer at his “house,” with real snow trucked in from the mountains of California for the children. As their parents wait in line, the children can play in the snow before sharing their hopes and dreams with Santa. There are tree lightings, church choir bells, and sing-alongs, with trolleys up and down the coastline adding to the celebration.   

Ceremonies of appreciation and gratitude for community members and volunteers for their individual contributions take center stage and are a vital aspect of this hospitable celebration. Businesses provide food and drink gratis along with significant store discounts; some even hire talented musicians who create their own ambience within the individual stores. It is an atmosphere of warmth, joy, and goodwill that affects the behavior of all participating – so much so, that I have witnessed several long-term neighbor-to-neighbor misunderstandings melt within this infectious climate of kindness and fellowship.

HOSPITALITY GIFT BASKETS FOR NEW NEIGHBORS

While the greatest gift of all would be to cast a loving thought into the heart of a new neighbor, an additional idea is a gift basket to allow hospitality to enter with the spirit of a warm and genuine smile. A basket filled with information about the new neighborhood, along with an introduction to local restaurants, coffee shops, dry cleaners, and churches, and together with a chamber of commerce map of the area and coupons from local businesses can all be very useful. But don't neglect the creative inclusion of favorite delectable items, flowers, or plants from those individuals delivering the basket, for these can begin a conversation and help get to know a new neighbor and family.

If children are involved, this is also a wonderful opportunity for established neighbors to bring their children for introductions, which also becomes a teaching moment for the giver and receiver of the wonders of hospitality within the neighborhood. Yet don't leave it there: A follow-up visit would show that your hospitable intentions are genuine.

SOME OTHER IDEAS

Other ideas might include:

• Block parties, which could grow into full neighborhood-wide parties
• Cooking a shared meal together with different friends, neighbors, and invited guests
• A potluck meal with friends to support a favorite local charity, shelter, or halfway house
• An open house for the holidays, serving a meal to whomever walks in the door – this was a huge success in my experience for 21 years on New Year's Day, as part of a French Toast Celebration while watching the Rose Bowl Parade.

Be creative, and explore new ways to share your hospitality and your love within your community, overcoming any latent fears that would impede your moving forward.

 

SOME LESSONS FOR COMMUNITY BUILDERS

• To build a culture of hospitality within the communities we serve, our first imperative is to address our own spiritual centeredness, and to develop a starting point of peace.
• Next, we must effectively identify a community's needs, by recognizing the new drivers of change: consciousness-building, education, environment, socioeconomic conditions, and technology.
• Then we need to unlock innovative approaches to serve basic human needs hospitably, based upon being valued, interconnectedness, safety, staying in wonderment, and having fun along the way (don't take yourself too seriously).
• While engaged in this process, community builders should ask: “Does this innovation address a basic need in a new and creative way?” “What new expectations will be created?” “What impact will it have on the community?” “How will it influence the community's residents, visitors, and tourists?” “Will there be any ramifications from the proposed change(s)?” And “How will hospitality's qualities continue to be the motivating force for residents and visitors alike?”
• Finally, we must keep the momentum going, by continuing to inspire hospitable behavior. To do so, we should:
  
  • Light each other's enthusiasm, and ability to launch their own innovative ideas.
  • Create a shared platform for innovation through collaboration – for the work is faster, more effective, and definitely more enjoyable when done together.
  • Empower each other as valued and trusted colleagues and innovators. We shouldn’t fear experimentation through blending ideas; our vulnerabilities can be a source of courage for change.
  • Disrupt routines to keep our work fresh, without interfering with incremental changes for the community: Be spontaneous!
  • Recognize that each participant can make an invaluable difference.

If we can apply these principles in practice, that will surely bring us closer to the hospitable community we all desire.

 

CHALLENGES, ISSUES, AND QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION

We have reviewed hospitality from individual and collective standpoints – frequently looking inward, for hospitality is an inner journey of self-realization, revealing beautiful spiritual characteristics that reside within each one of us.

However, there will be many challenges to our authenticity in being hospitable. One of the most common is disagreement with another, which tends to show up through competitive and comparative evaluations made by the ego. Until we learn how to build or re-build a strong inner core of spiritual qualities that are not at odds with each other, patient listening will be required.

In essence, we need to unlearn the false societal educational messages that bind us to childhood beliefs and generational traumas, instead of our evolving to a higher state of conscious hospitable behavior. We seek a conscious coming together in unity (comm-unity) where we feel safe, because we know our neighbors' attitude matches our own – with a strong bond of reciprocity – leading to a sense of trustworthiness, caring, and well-being. This is as contrasted with a false sense of safety that is devoid of the aforementioned spiritual assets.

Take a moment to consider this example: How it would be for you to receive hospitality, from the perspective of an immigrant refugee family that had just arrived in town? Respond to their plight as if it were your own; let compassion well up within you as you feel their sense of being displaced, knowing no one, having no compass point of reference, with little to no resources, experiencing homelessness, with pangs of hunger evident through pain-stricken faces with tattered clothes barely hanging from exhausted bodies worn down by devastating life-experiences, sitting on a curb looking like deer stunned in the headlights of complete uncertainty.

Do you look the other way or just not see? Or does the cry of the tear-stained face of a child break your heart enough to grab your attention? Are you prepared to offer some semblance of comfort? – a cup of clean water, a caring conversation, a list of resources available for temporary aid, expressions of hope for a better life, or an acknowledgement that their arrival is a wonderful asset for the community?

Now imagine, instead of a single family, that your community is presented with an entire community of immigrants in need of a fresh start. What would this scale of integration look like, as it presents challenges and issues much broader than most communities have ever considered? Here is where the rubber meets the road. In today’s climate of large-scale immigration, this is an important topic for consideration. How can your spiritual asset of hospitality help inform the attitudes and policies of individuals, communities, and whole nations?

Does the statement of Michal Vasecka, the university sociologist, ring truer now? “We are deeply uninclusive societies. Migration reveals this unpleasant truth about ourselves.” But have we now learned enough about hospitality to be its personal spiritual embodiment and to remove this unhealthy barrier to ourselves and others? Are we open-hearted, willing to listen, and able to welcome newcomers inclusively and warmly, as we steadily plow through the challenges that face both sides, but which when addressed are sure to enliven, enrich, and enhance an integrated community?

Here we may remind ourselves of two fundamental characteristics of hospitality: (1) The core identity of every person is their spiritual nature; and (2) We are all interdependent. These are universal laws that may help us to “love our neighbor as ourselves,” and not to regard anyone as a foreigner, so that they may rather feel they fit into their new surroundings in a lovingly warm and profound way without judgment. This is the true essence and value of hospitality, a spiritual asset that has never been more needed.

Community work can also be a training ground where people can continue to work through their unresolved personal and behavioral issues, which may be nothing more than fear-based. These issues may range from inferiority to superiority, false humility to arrogance, shame to vanity, and others – just be forewarned and therefore, forearmed. For as purveyors of hospitality working through our own personal issues with the spiritual tools and assets we have been learning about within these pages, we may well be able to help others, and certainly should if that door is open to us.

The more that we challenge ourselves through daily practice to be hospitable in all situations, from engaging in friendly conversation in a grocery store line to understanding that there are no strangers, no foreigners, and no limits to how hospitality can be lovingly expressed, the more we will not have to think about it – for we will discover we are being it. That is an amazing point to be highlighted. If hospitality, and if spiritual qualities are effectively assimilated, there is no fatigue associated with them. In fact, just the opposite is true – one is exponentially energized. For hospitality is fully engaging and self-renewing.

 

OVERARCHING CONCLUSIONS

Now that we have shared our knowledge of the sacred art of hospitality, let us join together at the table of consciousness and reflect on how hospitality fills us with spiritual values that are consistently weaving the story of our lives, both individually and interdependently for our communities. Our great love for humanity, imbued with these well-defined spiritual values, can permeate the atmosphere through ambiance, service, cuisine, entertainment, and protection.

The art of hospitality is being at one with this system of spiritual values and their behavioral qualities. There is practical value in every step learned and practiced. Remember that a warm, smiling face reveals a joy-filled heart and is an attractive force inviting everyone to participate in community.

To effectively cultivate and develop the qualities of hospitality, it needs to become your daily practice. In this daily practice, this spiritual discipline, consciousness is prepared to meet the needs of your neighborhood, your chance encounters with strangers, visitors, and neighbors, and your ability to be of true service for your community as a hospitable presence. Walk the Way of Abraham, practice being the Good Samaritan, discipline your listening skills to hear the dimensionality, the states and stages of consciousness, in conversations and actions to effectively negotiate and navigate the best progressive forward movement for the community as a whole.

The ultimate secret is to know yourself as those spiritual qualities are being cultivated, and then to instill their moral influence into the fabric of our communities, while also deeply and fundamentally understanding all dimensions of the community to help keep its infrastructure strong, sustainable, and safe.

Beyond that, critical thinking is imperative to a healthy community. Continue to test and question your assumptions – to shake out the dead wood and allow healing processes to strengthen your resolve for your community and for yourself. Ask, “What does it take to build a progressively hospitable community?” “Am I living the values that support a progressively hospitable community?” And “Does my life exemplify my highest standards of hospitable behavior?”

A community infused with hospitality changes lives, in ways subtle and sublime. One should not be tricked into believing broadcasts of fear-based thinking, superstition, lack of confidence, limited resources, or falsified information that is meant to keep you imprisoned and frozen in a place of apathy – all this as contrasted with participating in the joy of richly giving that warm smile that melts hearts, sharing a meal that feeds the soul, or offering a heartfelt comment that remains a living presence of comfort, support, and safety.

It is your radical availability to be a hospitable influence within your community that will be a self-nourishing and self-sustaining blessing, with power to bless all those open to receive it.

 

Contributor
Linn Moffett

Editor
Bill Berkowitz

Linn Moffett's work on nonprofit boards, as a consultant, and as an educator, writer, and chaplain within seven county jails is well known. Linn is also founder of The Science of Being Institute, dedicated to bringing a spiritually scientific approach to the cultivation of spiritual consciousness.​

TOOL: SEVEN STEPS TO CULTIVATE SPIRITUAL CONSCIOUSNESS – A MEDITATIVE PRACTICE WITH HEALING IN ITS WINGS

This is an invitation to quietly and thoughtfully consider the following Seven Steps to Cultivate Spiritual Consciousness, in order to increase one’s appreciation of hospitality and to promote hospitable actions. These steps are written in a natural sequence, so as to clarify the process and to ignite your own passion.

Immerse yourself in these Seven Steps as often as needed, until they resonate within you as an inward melody. Use them throughout your daily practice of hospitable behavior. Allow fresh inspiration to continually lead you on, as you embark on this great quest to understand your individual nature through hospitality. If you will allow this meditative practice to empower you, it will bring you into greater awareness of present moments, and help you awaken to your own unique style of inner warmth that will radiate into consistently new and welcome expressions of hospitality.

If you are new to this form of quieting the chattering mind, there are four preliminary steps to help you prepare:

• Set aside a minimum of ten minutes at the start of your day.
• Move into a quiet space and restful bodily posture.
• Take a few deep breaths to assist in quieting the mind filled with its to-do lists and judgments – this will help to disengage from distractions.
• And now, with an open heart, begin to realize the fullness of your:
   

1. Desire. Be willing to leave behind all preconceived notions of what you think hospitality is. With the innocence of a child, remain open and receptive, listening for the inner guidance of inspiration. Allow new ideas to flow in and lead thought into a more conscious and expanded awareness of hospitality. To further open your heart with gratitude is to put a powerful two-edged sword into your hand – it receives the new information while simultaneously cutting through resistance and impositions that may appear and put intuition at risk through a conditioned or programmed mindset.
    
   If you stay true to this creative process, it will become second nature and overcome distractions. Avoid negative input, for it is chaotic, incoherent, and meant to confuse every heartfelt desire. Instead, ask yourself, “What am I giving my attention to?” And, if it is not to the original desire or intent, then change the channel.
    
2. Purity. Keep your heartfelt desire pure and focused, in order to know and recognize the true spirit of hospitality. You can silence the chatter of the ego by separating yourself from conflicting desires, the influence of others, or political agendas. Detach from the chaos of assumptions, emotional reactions, and opposing thoughts. Detach from the defenses of fear that would mentally creep in to defraud, destroy, corrupt, or manipulate your pure focus. Allow no mingling of negative concepts that would hinder the unfolding of hospitality.
    
   In other words, do not allow fear to make your decisions. As your new sense of hospitality expands, it will continually clarify and evolve with new inspiration and vision. But don't stop there!
    
3. Identification. Through purity of heart, consider the core spiritual values identified with this newfound clarity. Their innate stability, as defined through qualities found within authentic hospitality, is reflected in a soulful love for humanity, as exemplified in lines from Shakespeare's Sonnet 116:

Love is not love

Which alters when its alteration finds,

Or bends with the remover to remove:

O, no, it is an ever-fixed mark,

That looks on tempests, and is never shaken

These lines wonderfully illustrate how the absolute changelessness and constancy of Love – that from which hospitality is born – is able to restore one's soul. This has been the primary purpose of hospitality throughout the ages, even though diluted by financial concerns in today's markets. As spiritual consciousness is cultivated, intuition is strengthened and humility attained, its voice heard over the din of ego, selfishness, and emotional reactions to worldly events – the tempests of our times.

To maintain the harmonious stability that this tone represents, the remaining elements that create hospitality may be considered sub-tones of Love itself. These are the building blocks that can be investigated in more depth to intellectually grasp, intuitively hear, and emotionally feel the heart of hospitality while never forgetting its overarching nature. They are:

• Spiritual-mindedness, filled with gratitude and kindness
• Compassion and empathy
• Collateral comfort of safety and security
• Interdependence of all living beings
• Grace
• Integrity
• Generosity

4. Interpretation. As we begin to understand this seven-fold concept of hospitality, it will begin to operate effortlessly as consciousness for each unique circumstance we are involved in. Spiritual consciousness is an operating system that interprets and reinterprets the nature of hospitality, overturning false material concepts and their physical symbols until wholly governed in the beauty and sanctity of purity and freedom. It may take time before this final stage is realized; but that will depend solely upon the persistence of misinformation, misinterpretation, and missed opportunities to reconnect, revitalize, and renew the web of life within individuals, communities, and our world.
    
   So, an imperative question to self resounds: “Why wait?” Why continue to play unwitting host to misinterpretations, false information, willful deprivations, and theories based on superstition – all designed to keep humanity in fragmentation, separated by and trapped in fear? Instead, why not make each moment count toward that all-important state of consciousness, leading us out of hostile territory into communities of hospitality? Would we not willingly trade misinterpretations and false information for the unburdened joy that awaits and sets free imprisoned thought, if we only understood the system of goodness that already operates within, through, and around each one of us?
    
5. Method. The Seven Steps to Cultivate Spiritual Consciousness are a way of grace, and a method for understanding how spirituality operates, even beyond hospitality. It is alive and well and living within each individual. Actually, we are magnificently encoded with its message. As the door of conscious awareness continues to open, as some level of acknowledging the spiritual nature that makes up our authentic identity and reality is reached, we become awake to the connection between spiritual growth and service within the community. We become the spiritual activists we were meant to be, with hospitality written on the tablet of our hearts.
    
6. Form. At this juncture, a new spiritual question arises from the depths. What form will this idea of hospitality take? How will it appear? What will it look like? Spiritual consciousness is fundamental, as are the ideas springing from it. Their form is as unique and adaptable as required to meet every human need. It is important not to get attached to a limited, conceptual form nor to anticipate how an idea's form should be modeled, unless you are wholly inspired – then trust it.
    
   Too often, humanity wants to stay in a pattern of, “But, it has always been done like this, or looked like that, and worked in the past.” This attitude stifles spiritual growth. Temporary forms are just that, temporary. They can become uninspired and unable to touch the soul of mankind – and therefore obsolete. Hospitality requires the integrity of being heartfelt, alive with fresh ideas that trans-form every opportunity.
    
   It is important to note that not every opportunity will appear transformed at the outset. But again, trust the fact that every act of hospitable kindness is radical and dynamic. It does ripple throughout the whole fabric of consciousness, uncovering and overcoming errors and terrors, animus and hostility, seen or unseen.
    
7. Design of Love. We are woven into the very fabric of existence. This beautiful tapestry is all-inclusive and unites not only all individuals, but all periods and dimensions. It is patient and kind as it carries those along who think they are outside its frame of reference – but no one is or could be. Relish in the good of other's experiences rather than to allow or host the false stimulus of envy or hate.

   We should celebrate goodness wherever found, for the spirit of hospitality is most ardently felt when human relationships, familiar customs, and the belief systems of old are undergoing dramatic changes. Embrace these changes with gratitude and appreciation, since this is the path that Abraham walked and is a measure of our spiritual evolution – from mad ambition to intuition, from terrorism to tourism, from hostility to hospitality.

 

To cultivate spiritual consciousness in the art of hospitality, continued practice of the Seven Steps is the key. A cursory perusal of this teaching and learning tool will accomplish little. The Seven Steps are a meditative practice that requires the journey of persistence, of cherishing, of nurturing the idea of hospitality, in order to bring forward its gifts. Listening to your soul in fulfillment with newfound spiritual understanding will open all doors to the profound enhancement of our lives and of the communities where we live, work, and play.

“Music in the soul can be heard by the universe.” ~ Lao Tzu

This and other sections in the Tool Box chapter on Spirituality and Community Building (Chapter 28) have been written with the support and contributions of experts connected with the Charter for Compassion. For more information about the Charter and its work, visit www.charterforcompassion.org.

Introduction

The Importance of Mindfulness in Community Building

The word “mindful” is frequently used in today’s popular culture. We say that we practice mindful meditation, or that we are mindful in our actions, or mindful of how we are perceived. But what exactly is being mindful, or practicing mindfulness? Why is it important for community builders? If we agree it’s important, how can we help build communities by using it? And how can we develop it for ourselves? These are some of the questions we will take up in this Tool Box section.

Mindfulness in a Nutshell

Basically, mindfulness means living in the moment. Instead of letting our judgments and assumptions clutter our words and actions, we respond in gentle, loving, compassionate ways. By so doing, we create better relationships – the building blocks of community.

In order to impact others and build strong communities, mindfulness must begin with us, as individuals. Mindfulness is expressed through our body, mind, spirit, and emotions. When we are mindful, we are more likely to be objective, nonattached, non-judgmental, non-defensive, and nonviolent in our interactions. Through this stance, we are better able to connect with others. And through those connections, difficulties are weathered and community is formed and strengthened. Trust among community members grows. All of these consequences are natural byproducts of living with mindfulness.

Mindfulness and Communities

Although mindfulness begins as an individual practice, when mindfulness is shared among group members, a community is more likely to thrive. Individuals become aware when their personal agendas and motives might not be in alignment with collective goals. With awareness, individuals are able to challenge their own beliefs to root out attachments, defenses, and judgments. The beliefs and ideas held by individuals then reflect those in the collective consciousness, meaning the shared beliefs and social norms of the group. These shared beliefs become the guiding force in making community decisions.

When groups operate from the collective consciousness, they are better able to identify conflicts more quickly. They can then acknowledge differences more easily, and take actions that are best for themselves.

There are many examples of mindful communities in action. Here are just a few:

• Mindfulness Community of Puget Sound in Seattle, Washington
• Community of Interbeing, an online community in the United Kingdom
• The Charlotte Community of Mindfulness in Charlotte, North Carolina

In these mindful communities, members experience strengthened relationships and a better understanding of the importance of interconnectedness, not only within their groups but in the larger community setting. For instance, the Mindfulness Community of Puget Sound is intentionally inclusive. Offering a variety of ways for the community to get involved, the community focuses on creating mindfulness within the individual, across the group, and on mindfully maintaining physical environments. As a different example, the Community of Interbeing is comprised of smaller independent communities that span the United Kingdom; it serves as a support umbrella for other communities of mindfulness.

In this Community Tool Box section, our aims are to define more closely what we mean by mindfulness and by community building; to identify key individual and group characteristics of mindful community building; to show how mindfulness can be effectively applied in community settings to improve community outcomes; and to suggest how it can be developed by individuals and communities alike.

We’ll be talking quite a bit about mindful community building as our discussion proceeds. So first, let’s identify some key goals of this community-building approach.

Goals of Mindful Community Building

Mindful community building has several implicit and interconnected goals:

• Identifying and setting goals collectively, by the entire group or an agreed-upon subset of the group. Common goals, based upon the mission and values of the organization, strengthen the community’s identity.
• Deepening relationships, which provide members with opportunities to know one another more fully. With these intimate connections, groups are more likely to communicate and work in unity toward their common goals.
• Working toward inclusiveness, which builds upon deepening relationships.

Mindful community building asks what segments of the populations are not represented and invites all community members to join. The mantra of mindful community building is “all are welcome.”

Some Benefits of Mindfulness

Mindfulness can yield a variety of benefits for the individual practitioner. By now, many of these are well known, so we will not review them in full detail here. But to summarize, in the area of physical health, mindfulness can help relieve stress, treat heart disease, lower blood pressure, reduce chronic pain, improve sleep, and alleviate gastrointestinal difficulties. And in mental health, mindfulness can be an important element in treating issues such as depression, substance use, eating disorders, couple conflicts, anxiety disorders, and obsessive-compulsive disorders.

But the benefits of mindfulness do not end there, for interpersonal and community benefits occur as well. One such benefit is that mindfulness provides us with a way to connect intimately and compassionately. Focused on the moment, we see and hear the other person. We are aware of their needs, values, and beliefs. And by engaging in mindful dialogue, we better understand the dynamics of the group. In the moment, we think critically in order to distinguish between the group’s agenda, our personal agenda, and the agendas of other group members. We notice those who lead by gentle example. Those leaders serve as models for the rest of community.

More than that: Through mindfulness we recognize the gifts and skills of all members and invite them to express those gifts. We encourage everyone to take leadership roles. In doing so, all become engaged leaders who have a stake in community. As mindful leaders, we are invested in recognizing varying personalities and lessening our defensive and judgmental reactions. As a result of our non-defensive, nonjudgmental stance, we strengthen interpersonal relationships and develop strong ties with others in the community and within the group itself.

The intrapersonal and interpersonal benefits of mindfulness are related. For when we are aware of any negative impacts our interactions may have on us – either mentally, physically, or emotionally – we can use mindfulness practices to reduce those negative effects. Mindfulness and meditative states in general can help us focus and concentrate by quieting the chattering mind. Our response flexibility increases, and we are better able to recognize our personal triggers and modify any reactions to responses. Less stress, more focus, improved attention, increased concentration, and an amplified ability to respond all strengthen our ability to communicate – and communication is arguably the most important skill when mindfully building community.

Through mindfulness we are able to identify the internal and external factors that prevent community from operating as a cohesive whole. Although addressing these issues may not be easy, mindfulness is a key component of critical thinking which is instrumental in bringing the group through any strife to resolution. Mindfulness is a key component is recognizing personal agendas and resolving not to allow these agendas to intervene with the group’s mission. Through mindfulness, a group can effectively collaborate and bring consensus in innovative, entrepreneurial ways.

Starting Where You Are: Sowing the Seeds of Community – A Story

The founding of Compassionate Louisville illustrates some of the principles of mindfulness applied to community life. In 2012, a year after Louisville, Kentucky, became a Compassionate City, a group of individuals representing many organizations spent several retreat days creating the mission, values, and vision of Compassionate Louisville. Each person was mindful of how they were living the mission and values, and shared these ideas during the session. Twelve values were eventually named. It was through mindful awareness that the group chose the values that best reflected the newly-formed community.

This group saw itself as seeding a community of greater mindfulness. Its vision statement imagined “a community and world becoming more and more compassionate.” As a collective and as individuals, members reaffirmed the mission “to champion and nurture the growth of compassion.” This articulation of Compassionate Louisville’s mission and values was made possible through strong facilitation of the group and committed leaders intent on bringing the vision of a more compassionate city to life. These leaders became the roots of an ever-growing tree of committed volunteers whose goal was for a more compassionate city to actually come about.

But mindfulness was integral to the process. Without mindfulness, the group would not have reached a level of understanding that encouraged both leadership and consensus.

Through the growing public awareness of this initiative, the group then encouraged other citizens to discover how they might answer the question, “How can compassion best operate in Louisville?” Mindfully building a city of compassion means not giving up when compassion appears to fall short. Conflict is not ignored but recognized, for through conflict comes the opportunity to grow compassionately. Within dynamic, flexible structures, resolutions are identified and initiated. These resolutions have the principles of the community at their foundations.

To this day, the Coordinating Circle of Compassionate Louisville continues to be an organic, dynamic, and evolving community whose key objective is to mindfully observe how compassion is manifesting in the City and to search for ways to facilitate compassion’s presence.

Begin at the Beginning: A Few Definitions

Open a dictionary, webpage, or phone app, and you will discover the meaning of a word. But as we all know, there are many nuances to words that cannot be found in a dictionary. Many nuances exist for the words “mindfulness” and “community building.” For our purposes, we will define the terms as below, then examine some of their nuances as well.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness can be described as a state of active, open attention to the present. It is living in awareness of each moment. Instead of letting your life pass by, mindfulness means living in the moment and awakening to experience.

Some Nuances Found in the Lived Experience of Mindfulness

How many times have you driven from point A to point B and didn't remember how you got there? You might have been living in the moment, but perhaps you were not aware on a fully conscious level of your journey. Perhaps you were reviewing a list of tasks for the day, or ruminating over an event that occurred the day before. Your mind was filled with clutter. Although you might have been in the moment in one sense, you were not mindful. You were unable to sift through the distractions and be fully present to the world unfolding.

A mindfulness stance allows us to be aware of distractions, but to choose not to react to them. For example, in a community setting we may be aware of our personal agendas, but we do not allow them to interfere with the goals of a larger group. In fact, we actively listen to what others are saying in an effort to better understand the community’s goals and the beliefs and judgments of other community members. We may also ask ourselves how our beliefs and judgments are different from the community’s. Through this stance, we mindfully identify what is stopping us from fully engaging in the collective consciousness. And with this information, we prevent our judgments from negatively impacting the group’s process.

“Few of us ever live in the present. We are forever anticipating what is to come or remembering what has gone.” -- Louis L'Amour

The same is true during mindful conversations with others. For example, if we are food shopping and meet an acquaintance, we may acknowledge that we are distracted from completing our grocery list, but we do not allow ourselves to be drawn away from the conversation. Instead, we attend to the conversation while keeping our grocery shopping in the background. Mindfully, we choose what is the most appropriate way to be in the moment. If we are on a time line, we may choose to compassionately end the conversation and complete our task.

Community Building

Community building is a field of practice directed toward the creation or enhancement of community relationships or outcomes. A community is defined as a social unit within a region or one created through common interest. The geographic and social boundaries are defined by its members.

An alternative definition adds to the picture: Community building is an ongoing process where the people affected by an issue come together to identify problems and take action to achieve solutions. A community builder challenges those he or she works with to change the way things are through collective action, empowering all.

Some Nuances Found in the Lived Experience of Community Building

At some point in a group’s history, the values, beliefs, and mores of a community are developed either by its members or a subset of the members. For the Compassionate Louisville community, a subset of the members articulated its vision, mission, and values. Due to the intentionality of that small group, even after many years its mission and values continue to represent the vision of the larger community rather than that of specific individuals or subsets of the group.

Mindful community building is flexible and aware of the skills and resources provided by all members; it encourages each person’s involvement in sustaining a community that flourishes through the individual and the collective practice of mindfulness.

Putting the Definitions Together

Characteristics of Mindful Community Building

Mindful community building happens through the committed action of individual “builders” working as a group to create a viable organization. A video by Margaret A. Wheatley identifies ten ways to intentionally maintain a strong, mindful foundation of community and to create healthy community change:

• People support what they create.
• People act responsibly when they care.
• Conversation is the way to bring cohesion.
• To change a stymied conversation, change who is in it.
• Expect leaders to come from anywhere.
• Focus on what is working to generate energy and creativity.
• The source of wisdom is internal.
• Everything is a failure in the middle.
• Humans can handle anything when in a community.
• Generosity, forgiveness, and love are the glue of community.

 

At the heart of each of these ways is the ability to think critically. The lack of any one of these factors could be a block to maintaining mindful community. Early identification and resolution of potential stumbling blocks minimizes the potential for them to become major obstacles to the health of the community.

Critical Thinking and Compassionate Policies: A Story

Mindful groups and mindful community builders willingly, if not easily, acknowledge where potential conflicts exist. Either the group as a whole or a subset works to identify the conflict and then create potential resolutions. The subset of the group transparently reports its findings and suggestions to the group.

In one case, a group of women who were military veterans created a support group. This group was open to all women who had served in the U.S. military. Over time, they discovered that some of the women carried deep emotional wounds. Their wounds sometimes came to the surface and triggered conflict among group members. The leaders wanted to create a stronger, inclusive community; but they were unsure how to mindfully address the needs of these women in ways that were compassionate and that also empowered them to continue to participate in the group.

With the help of an outside facilitator, guidelines for compassion within the group were defined and put into place. The myth of compassion as being “nice” in ways that potentially created co-dependent behavior was debunked. Two additional items were placed on the application to join, specifying the responsibilities of the member and the community. The group leaders also connected with mental health care providers willing to provide emergency assistance if necessary. In practice, both redefining compassionate actions and the creation of policies helped create a safe environment.

The same group of leaders attended a workshop to improve communication and conflict management skills. As both leaders and members became more adept in listening and responding with compassion, there were fewer escalations of conflict that stemmed from an individual member’s woundedness. Over time, the meetings became known as places of safety.

A valuable lesson from this story is that mindfulness within this group led to the naming of a conflict. The director realized that conflict could not be resolved within the group without external assistance. In addition, what was learned in mindful communication training was shared with the group at large. Modifications in communication styles were an important step in repairing group structure, and stimulated more mindful communication. Instead of focusing on individual conflicts, the group was able to focus on the collective whole. Building upon the values and mission of the organization, the group strengthened the safe and supportive environment for which the organization is now known.

The group incorporated several of Wheatley’s suggestions in resolving conflict. The group of women supported what they created through its evolution. They acted responsibly by hiring a trained facilitator and engaging in open, mindful conversation. The focus was on what was working and on sharing the wisdom of group members. Instead of ostracizing those that were viewed as disruptive, they created a paradigm of forgiveness and love.

Four Core Relationships in Mindful Community Building

Mindful community building is about relationships. To give us a foundation for our understanding and application, it will be helpful to learn more about four core relationships that empower and energize the building of mindful communities. These relationships are with:

• The Self. How we respond and react to the authentic and false parts of our self. This relationship is integral to all other relationships. It is through deep mindfulness practice that we know what is real and what is illusion. In this relationship, we ask our self how our thoughts, words, and actions reflect who we are. This is our authentic self. In contrast, the false parts of our self are based upon fears, and not truly reflective of who we are.
• The Sacred. What we hold in deep reverence.
• Others. Our partners, family members, co-workers, acquaintances, and strangers.
• Creation. All of the natural world and what humans have made.

Engaging mindfully in each of these relationships is necessary to both the holistic health of an individual and any communities the individual belongs to. When we are aware of when we are interacting from our true, best self as contrasted with actions derived from our false, illusory self, we can better address our individual needs and the needs of the group. A community and its members that are grounded in mindful relationships are better able to weather times of transition. Effective change agents are good relationship partners who respect, trust, and share honestly.

As community builders, it is worth our while to elaborate further on each of these four core relationships, and how they relate to community building.

Relationship with the Self

In order to understand personal motives and agendas, a mindfulness practice is important. Through self-awareness that comes from ongoing reflection and introspection, an individual recognizes the potential and real impact of one’s judgments and assumptions. Through deep reflection, both the shadow and authentic self are identified and owned. By living authentically, respect and love of self take hold. This is the foundation from which all relationships grow. Eventually, it enables you to follow the Golden Rule: to love your neighbor as yourself – and to love yourself as your neighbor.

The Self in Community

It has often been said that no man is an island; but knowing who you are is important to mindfully engaging others in community. Awareness of the reasons behind actions and personal triggers creates the power of choice. With awareness, you lessen the potential negative impact of personal biases and agendas on community. Befriending both the true and shadow parts creates an authentic relationship with the self. This is foundational to effective community membership. An authentic relationship with self fosters honesty and integrity-filled interactions with others.

Mindful Moment for Reflection

Remember a time when your beliefs and assumptions were not in alignment with those of a community’s collective consciousness. (If you are having difficulty, think about a time when you were angry about a group decision. Start with that feeling, and ask what judgments, assumptions, or beliefs were behind the anger.)

Did you share your point of view? If so, how? If we are not mindful of how our beliefs and agendas are not in alignment with those of the group, we can disrupt the group’s ability to stay in the moment and complete a project. Knowing our self prevents us from being an agent of disruption.

Relationship with the Sacred

The word “sacred” can mean many things. In this context, the sacred may be a connection to a deity, but it also refers to what one holds with great reverence. This relationship requires ongoing discernment and mindful identification of how the sacred is manifesting in an individual’s life. While certain beliefs, things, and concepts will always be sacred, the sacred in our life is dynamic and evolving. Relationship with the sacred is interwoven with and reflected in our relationships with self, others, and all creation; and it provides the underpinning for how we perceive and relate to the world.

The Sacred in Community

Seeing the sacred in another or having deep respect for them is key to community building. Through this relationship of reverence, members forge an atmosphere of safety and collaboration. Members are less likely to get stuck in judgments or defenses. Movement away from a “they vs. us” paradigm to an “us” reality occurs, and deep respect for individuals as well as the community as whole is fostered.

Mindful Moment for Reflection

Choose a community that you belong to. Identify aspects of the community that represent the sacred or what you deeply respect. How does your value of the sacred, inherent in that community, engage both your mindfulness and ability to help the community flourish?

Relationship with Others

While the easiest core relationship to identify, our relationships with others are undeniably the most difficult to remain mindful and objective about. Through mindful relationships, we manage agreements and resolve conflicts. We are also given opportunities to love unconditionally and be compassionate. Whether mindfully or not, how we view our relationships with others creates our personal view of reality and influences how we respond in the real world.

Others in Community

Individual relationships are the cornerstones of community. When engaged with mindful opportunities to create diverse, rich relationships, it becomes easier to name and bring understanding to differences. Mindful relationships with others create a safe space in which listening skills are developed and conflict is identified and resolved. Through these interactions, exploration and discovery of how beliefs and values are held in the collective consciousness occurs.

Our individual relationships have the power to bring us deeper into the collective consciousness. Unfortunately, they also have the power to segregate us into opposing groups. But through mindful community building, we harness the power of values held by the group while acknowledging and minimizing the power of competing individual agendas.

Mindful Moment for Reflection

If you can, call to mind a relationship or cluster of relationships that drew you into the collective consciousness of the group. How were these relationships beneficial to maintaining a mindful environment? What one thing was accomplished as a result of this relationship?

Next, recall a time when conflict occurred within the group. How did the role of relationship serve in resolving the conflict? Or, how were you able to use the collective values to overcome any personal agendas? Through this exercise, see if you can appreciate how mindful community building brings us deeper into the collective consciousness.

Relationship with Creation

All of our interactions are relational, even those that are not with other humans. These include our connections with all living things, plants and animals, natural objects, and everything created by humans. This combined group of relationships is often described as stewardship, and involves how we care for those things and sentient beings for which we are responsible.

Creation in Community

The use of material resources within the community falls under this category of relationship. Some of those relationships depend upon tangible physical structures and material resources – the bricks and mortar of community. On the other hand, how an individual’s values and vision interface with the mission, vision, and values of the organization reflects an intangible relationship with creation. So do the ways we mindfully share our skills and talents with the community.

Mindful Moment for Reflection

Reflect upon a time that you were part of a group that was creating something tangible (for example, a capital project, materials for a program, gifts for donors, or a large event). Were you in favor of the project or opposed to it? Using the first three core relationships (with self, the sacred, and others) how did they inform your relationship to this part of community building?

In any case, community building creates opportunities for mindful growth. Its success will depend upon how mindfully honest we are with our self and how skilled we are in engaging others and all of creation. We can all agree that being in relationship is not always easy; in fact, maintaining healthy, cohesive relationships is one of the most difficult challenges we face in life. The relational abilities of a mindful community builder not only create the foundation and build the framework, they are necessary in developing and sustaining relationship.

Keeping these four core relationships in mind, we’ll next build on this knowledge by examining some key personal qualities and attributes of the mindful community builder.

Key Qualities of the Mindful Community Builder

Mindful Listening

I’m Listening: What Did You Say?

First and perhaps foremost among the desired qualities for a mindful community builder is the ability to listen. Listening skills are integral to community building. Instead of assuming we understand what the other is saying, or listening with half an ear or irregularly, we listen with full attention. This way of listening, among other things, requires humility and vulnerability. We recognize that we don’t have all the answers – on the contrary, we are open to hearing the answers put forth by another.

With mindfulness practice, you can learn to listen to your internal monologue and external dialogue at the same time. The internal monologue includes your thoughts and how your body is reacting to both internal and external stimuli. Engaging in this bi-listening requires that all energy be focused on the present moment while tuning out any external or internal distractions. For example, planning the next day’s activities is impossible at the same time that we are intentionally gathering verbal and nonverbal cues from our dialogue partner, and also listening to our internal discourse. But when we listen intentionally using all of our senses, we are better able to respond in compassionate ways that both seek information and also share our own viewpoints. Let’s examine this essential quality of mindful listening in greater detail.

Listening with Our Entire Being

Listening with our entire being, or full-body listening, is a mindful practice in which we use all of our senses to discern what we are hearing. We may come to one conclusion by listening to the words, yet another by paying attention to our somatic reaction to what is being said. By listening with our entire being, we ground ourselves in the moment and are fully present to what is unfolding. By focusing our attention in real time to what is occurring, we can simultaneously hear words with our ears, see the physical reactions of the other, and also attend to our own gut reactions. This is a full-body way of understanding the other person, as well as discovering the energy behind the words that may trigger our own reactions.

Very often, asking the question, “What do you mean?” and mindfully listening with our entire being to the answer leads to greater clarity. We acknowledge that the words themselves may be neutral, but our reactions to them are not. By gaining this greater understanding, our behavior is less reactive and more responsive. It better allows us to prevent or dismantle the construction of barriers within the community. Through such full-body listening, we build bridges of understanding and inclusion, where all are welcome to participate.

Our Internal Monologue

Our listening is also impacted by our internal monologue. That ongoing monologue in our mind provides a running commentary about what happens around us. While it is based on our own reality, it may or may not reflect the communal reality. If we are unaware of the underlying judgments and assumptions within, it may impact what we hear another saying. And it may hinder the creative process.

But when we are aware of our internal monologue, we prevent an unconscious, negative impact. For example, we may have a visceral reaction to a comment, yet understand that our reaction has nothing to do with what the other is saying. Instead of being harsh or critical, we objectively hear the other and respond taking larger collective values into account, rather than responding simply from our judgments and beliefs.

When we are aware of those judgments, we can choose either to discount them or use them to formulate thought-provoking questions. Being mindfully aware of our internal monologue gives us the power to engage objectively. When we listen with all of our senses, we become objective observers. This is the gateway to entering the collective consciousness and to mindful engagement in community building.

Moment for Mindful Reflection

Ask yourself “How do each of the following affect my perceptions and judgments, and prevent me from communicating effectively and mindfully within my community?”

• My expectations and belie
• My perceived cognitive failures
• My past experiences
• My current perspectives

Through mindfulness, we don the cape of the objective observer and become more effective in community building.

The Power of Mindful Listening: A Story

Being an effective community builder depends upon our ability to maintain a mindful connection with our self and others in our community. At times in our life, we hear what we need, not what is actually said. And this hearing provides information we need to come to resolution.
Several years ago I had a conversation with a fellow conference participant. She shared with me a story about a powerful sermon given by a visiting pastor. His message changed her life. Several weeks later, she had the opportunity to thank him for his transformative words. After she finished thanking him, he gently took her hand, looked her in the eye, and replied, “That was not what I said.” 

She was in anguish when she found this out, for those words had provided solace to her. In this case, the words healed a part of her. But at other times, when we are not listening mindfully, we may hear words that trigger anger and angst. When we are not aware in the moment, our communication skills are impaired. We fail to hear effectively; our responses become inadequate.

After hearing her story, I wondered how many times I had heard things that had not been said, and how many stories I had related incorrectly. Like my fellow participant, sometimes the words I thought I had heard brought solace and even epiphanies. At other times, they created cracks in the foundation of relationship. Regardless of the intent behind the words uttered in those moments, they were heard in a state of unawareness.

The key lessons for us are again clear: Our ability to communicate effectively hinges on our ability to listen mindfully and to be in the moment. And building community effectively depends upon our ability to create and sustain moments of personal and collective mindfulness.

Mindful Communication

We’ve been emphasizing what is arguably the most important aspect of mindful communication – listening to one’s external dialogue, while also attending to one’s internal monologue. This is the foundation of communicating mindfully. But what else is necessary for effective, mindful dialogue? Three factors: gaining clarity, formulating a response, and responding compassionately.

After someone finishes speaking, the mindful listener enters into a moment of silence. During this time the listener sifts through the information received and any reactions to it. Clarity is gained during the silence. This calms any angst the interaction may have triggered and allows for formulation of a compassionate response. (Please note that this moment of silence is brief – usually no more than 15-30 seconds.)

Finally, the listener responds to what was heard. Keep in mind that during the response period, the respondent is also attending to how words and actions are being received. The listener speaks objectively and compassionately, being careful not to judge the other’s reactions or to defend their words.

In summary, mindful communication is a sharing between individuals who:

• Intentionally listen when the other person is speaking
• Gain clarity and formulate a response after the other is finished
• Respond compassionately
• Repeat this sequence as necessary

Humility

In mindful community building, there is no room for arrogance and discounting the abilities and suggestions of anyone. Instead, we humbly acknowledge our talents and offer them to the community in assertive but nonaggressive ways. Humility strengthens both individual and communal connections, while inviting all to share from their authentic core.

To expand upon this point, engaging in humility is an act of mindfulness. When we act with humility within a community, we are empowered not to place more or less importance on our ideas; rather, all ideas are of equal value. Within the collective consciousness ideas are gestated and birthed.

As you may see, humility is the gateway to the open mind and expanded heart of community. When members of the community are humble, they no longer just listen for what will prove their point, but rather to gain a greater understanding of what is best for the community. In this safe and reverent place:

• Conversation flows with full openness.
• The barriers to sharing are reduced.
• Members honestly want to share and listen to others.
• The focus is on the collective rather than the individual.

Leadership

All mindful communities have mindful leaders at their core. They lead by serving, but also by encouraging others to be leaders in community building. Building strong sustainable communities seldom occurs in a top-down fashion. Quite the contrary: Leadership is everybody’s business, and with guidance, every person can grow into a mindful leader of community. It is important to note that not all leaders provide a “face” for the community. Leaders include everyone who is actively engaged in living the mission, vision, and values of community.

Leadership’s Relationship to Humility

Mindful leadership is also connected to humility, the topic just mentioned. In particular, humility promotes servant leadership, a phrase coined by Robert G. Greenleaf. The Greenleaf Foundation describes a servant-leader as a “servant first. It begins with the natural feeling that one wants to serve. Then conscious choice brings one to aspire to lead.”

A servant leader mindfully operates from a “servant heart” to successfully build better organizations collaboratively. Such a leader is able to set aside any personal agendas in order to help create a stable environment. Ongoing growth and evolution of the organization is encouraged. As a great listener, a servant leader listens with intent to understand the concerns of community members. The leader’s responses are then based upon the mission and values of the organization. Both listening and responding are interwoven with compassion.

In mindful servant leadership, differences are not ignored. Instead, through mindful communication, differences are identified, explored, and celebrated. Valuing these differences is, in fact, a hallmark of mindful community building. Divergent ideas and beliefs are necessary to the creative process, and the impetus for exploring innovative possibilities. In acknowledging differences, a servant leader – and the community itself – is humble and vulnerable. When communities open themselves to being vulnerable, they become more diverse and inclusive. Without individual egos taking control, all are welcome and empowered to identify ways to become a stronger, more mindful community.

Servant leadership, then, also brings out diversity, and as we will note later under a separate heading, diversity plays a fundamental role in our community. Inclusion of diversity brings about evolutionary leaps in community consciousness.

The following five-minute video is a mindful reflection on the many aspects of community diversity:

Moment for Mindful Reflection

After watching this video, ask yourself:

• When I am mindful of my community, what do I notice?
• When I am aware of myself, what information do I gather?
• What activities and other factors are preventing me and others from fully and mindfully engaging in community building?
• How do these awarenesses empower my community-building ability?

Discovering the roles of humility, vulnerability, and inclusion in community building requires mindful conversation both externally and internally. It is helpful to set aside five minutes during the day to listen to how your internal thoughts, beliefs, judgments, and assumptions form your reactions and responses to others.

Three Vows for the Mindful Community Builder

To supplement the discussion above, another approach to understanding the individual key qualities of mindfulness necessary to engage the process of building a mindful community has been expressed by the Buddhist scholar and practitioner Pema Chödrön. Writing in Living Beautifully with Uncertainty and Change, she shares an interpretation of three Buddhist vows. To paraphrase the vows: Cause no harm, alleviate suffering, and take life as it is.

These vows are integral to building and maintaining community. Chödrön believes that they can help us in “relating to the impermanent, ever-shifting nature of our life experience [and] as a way of using our everyday experience to wake up, perk up, lighten up, and be more loving and conscious of other beings” (Chödrön, p. ix).

When members of a group live with awareness of these three vows, both within the group and in interactions outside the group, respect for others grows. No longer are others defined as strangers or objects; we see others fully and clearly. We make choices based not upon our wants, but on the needs of the community. Using our experiences in these ways creates a more loving consciousness of other beings. This is the foundation of mindful community building.

Let’s describe each of these vows in more detail, and clarify their relationship to mindful community building.

Cause No Harm

Most community builders say their intent is to strengthen a community so that it thrives. One might wonder how, with this intent, anything that is said or done would cause harm. Yet, without mindful awareness, we may do just that. We may create policies and programs that unintentionally exclude. Programs and events may inadvertently be based upon biases. What is created in good faith may have undesirable ramifications that are far-reaching. Minute cracks in the foundation of community may form as members become alienated and disenfranchised. If unchecked, this situation may magnify. The community-building lesson here is to cause no harm by encouraging inclusion and transparency in all activities.

As an example, I was a part of a planning committee that created an anniversary event. Four weeks prior to the event, some members of the group became upset because certain organizations were included in a panel discussion instead of others. This provided a great opportunity to be mindful, as we committee members delved into our judgments and beliefs and noticed how they shaped our actions. We became aware of how we projected our beliefs and how our projections impacted others. Through mindfulness, we investigated how our judgments differed from those of the collective and worked toward a more effective solution.

Moment for Mindful Reflection

Reflect upon a group situation you were part of where full inclusion and transparency were lacking. How did this impact the functioning of your group? Were any corrective steps taken? How effective were they? What lessons do you draw from your experience?

With mindfulness, your awareness of your judgments and beliefs is used to build up and not break down. Most of all, living with the intent to “cause no harm” increases awareness of our potential to harm and of when we actually do harm. We then act upon the next vow, “to alleviate suffering,” which may have occurred through our unaware action.

Alleviate Suffering

Most programs, policies, and other communal activities are based upon the promotion of well-being, and ultimately upon the alleviation of suffering of the community and its members. Mindful community building aims to alleviate suffering; accordingly, it is a true act of compassion. Compassion is a key factor on the alleviation of suffering. A community with a strong foundation of mindfulness can better generate a compassionate response. Then, over time, suffering becomes more easily identified and reduced.

Many of the benefits of community building with compassion are measurable. When community building is accomplished with compassion, and with the intent to relieve suffering, trust increases among members and with external groups. Strengthened relationships open lines of communication. Members become able to acknowledge and address conflict as opportunities for growth. Communication thrives. And with compassion, we become better able to celebrate successes and weather the lean times.

Acting in ways that cause no harm and alleviate suffering leads us to implementation of the third vow, in which life can be taken as it is.

Taking Life As It Is

In the life of any community, threats may occur. To respond to threats, community leaders may make decisions based upon a previous reality, or do the first thing that seems best. Or, instead, they can use critical thinking and mindfulness to “take life as it is.”

When a group “takes life as it is,” mindful decisions are created through gathering all options and then weighing them. From simple brainstorming to project management skills, there exist a variety of ways to gather information, process, and plan. Also, when taking life as it is, the community is not complacent, but rather adopts a mindful, entrepreneurial stance. As entrepreneurs, individuals and the collective group are curious, courageous, and passionate. Using critical thinking, questions are asked and risks taken with optimism.      

Jean-Baptiste de la Salle, SJ, coined the phrase “taking a long, loving look at the real.” When looking at the real during decision-making, we must be gentle and loving in our analysis of any situation or event. We need to objectively analyze the situation for potential harm, while also looking for ways to minimize or alleviate suffering.

To be more specific, when building community we often have more projects that need doing than money to support them. Using the standard of “taking a long, loving look at the real,” combined with avoiding harm and minimizing suffering, empowers a community to choose which projects to continue and how to minimize any negative impact caused by the choice.

Information gathered from a long, loving look at the real can be used to effectively communicate reasons behind decisions. Taking such a look includes both transparency and compassion. Mindfulness helps us access necessary skills to balance needs with resources, while articulating the rationale behind the decision. Practicing this philosophy as leaders provides a teaching moment to all members of the group. This stance itself strengthens mindfulness in community. To illustrate this point, see the story just below.

Taking a Long, Loving Look at the Real: A Story of Community Support

Several years ago, community groups in Louisville, Kentucky, began to address the need to provide housing for approximately 360 military veterans who were homeless in the city. Named Rx: Housing Veterans, the resulting project was headed by the local Coalition for the Homeless and by Louisville Metro Government. More than 15 organizations within the community mindfully came together to create housing strategies.

Using combined government and private resources, the group developed plans that included not only providing housing for displaced veterans but also supplying other help, including securing employment, medical care, and help for addictions. The plan was to have the number of veterans experiencing homelessness at functionally zero by the end of the next year.

The mindfulness of this group of community leaders mirrored the mindfulness in the community. Differences were respected; doors were opened; conflicts were addressed. Through transparency, they created forums where groups not only helped design and implement the programs but were invited to question activities.

Instead of blaming or shaming the group that was experiencing homelessness, the group took a long, loving look at the current situation. They identified the factors that contributed to homelessness of veterans. The group clarified what other needs might be addressed. So, instead of creating a one-size-fits-all solution, a community of support was created to compassionately help veterans integrate in the community at large.

This example shows that mindful community building is mirrored in communication with a listening ear and a welcoming heart. Listening to one another and inviting everyone’s participation resulted in a non-hierarchical approach for formal and informal meetings alike. These mindful leaders created a structured and safe environment for interactions to flourish and connections to thrive. Within this environment, both individuals and the community as a whole could more easily work with a spirit of collaboration. Such collaboration brings us to a new place of understanding – the common ground.

To summarize, we have identified some of the most desired qualities for the mindful community builder. Community building requires setting aside individual and communal egos while sharing our wisdom and listening to the wisdom of others. As objective observers, we realize we may misinterpret the words and actions of another. With humility, we are vulnerable as we ask questions of clarification and provide our ideas and suggestions. And through humility and vulnerability, we discover the paths to common ground – the place where community is nurtured, and a topic we explore further under the next main heading.      

Our discussion so far has focused on desired qualities that are most closely associated with the community builder as an individual. But there are additional desired qualities that are more naturally connected with the group or community as a whole. We now consider these under the upcoming heading, “Key Group Factors.”

Key Group Factors in Mindful Community Building

COMMUNICATING CLEARLY AND OPENLY

No factor is more important in mindful community building than mindful communication. We have seen before how effective communication skills create and sustain individual relationships, but this is equally true for group and community relationships as well. Mindful communication is both clear and open. In addition, a community builder can utilize specific strategies and techniques for engaging in mindful communication on both individual and group levels. Some of these are:

• Contemplative Dialogue ©, which uses the approaches of mindfulness, non-defended learning, and nonviolence for participants to engage the collective consciousness with respect and with a willingness to work toward the common good.
• Active Listening, which provides 13 tips for listening in ways that lead to understanding.
• Non-violent Communication, which describes and offers resources on the four-part nonviolent communications process created by Marshall Rosenberg – honestly attending to observations, feelings, needs, and requests.

All these ways of communicating are based on being present in the moment and responding with compassion – two fundamental skills necessary for successfully and mindfully building both the microcosm and macrocosm of community. The microcosm includes the individual and relationships between members; the macrocosm reflects the collective consciousness and community as a whole.

HOLDING MINDFUL MEETINGS

Community building does not occur in silos – by individuals or segments of the group acting alone. In order to engage fully in mindful community building, effective meetings are necessary. These are designed to focus on the communal agenda and invite all participants to enter the collective consciousness.

In fostering mindfulness during meetings and planning sessions, it is helpful to begin with a focusing exercise, such as a moment of silence. A leader can also raise expectations of being an active participant through explaining concepts like mindfulness, collective consciousness, and common ground. Some other suggestions:

• Encourage understanding of others’ opinions and views. Ask questions for clarity.
• Agree to respect others for their points of view, while committing to work with one another for the common good.
• Recognize that the community-building goal is to create good outcomes incorporating the diversity of group members, not necessarily for all to be 100% in agreement. The goal is to reach consensus, rather than compromise.

INCORPORATING DIVERSITY

A rich diversity exists in almost all communities. Sometimes diversity appears in the way we look; at other times it is cultural or based upon our personal experience. Through awareness, we recognize the strength in diversity and how it can contribute to mindful community building.

Mindful community building recognizes the many ways diversity is present and acknowledges where it is not. Without awareness, the “elephant in the room” of differences cannot be addressed; the barriers preventing us from working together cannot be removed. Fearing others who are not “like us” and excluding others who are not of the same ethnic or cultural group is becoming a more common occurrence. With mindfulness, however, we can better see where we get stuck, and choose ways to minimize the possible negative impact of difference. Addressing both the differences and the commonalities creates safe space.

A mindful community, then, does not ignore differences related to diversity. At a welcoming table, no views are negated. All views are considered, for members are aware that all viewpoints potentially hold nuggets of truth and may be community building blocks. Diversity is recognized, acknowledged, and respected. Diversity is valued as an actual benefit for building transformational community structures.

While sharing different perspectives may not always strengthen community, it often helps us understand viewpoints we never understood before. More often than not, though, mindfully sharing differences of opinion and listening to them translates to finding common ground and then to innovative, creative community building.

Agreeing to listen and to respond assertively yet compassionately is the foundation of an open, honest, transparent environment. Seeking out and incorporating diversity sets us on the path to reaching consensus and attaining true community growth.

A Moment for Mindful Reflection

• Watch “Defining Diversity, Creating Community”. Then consider how diversity operates in a community you belong to. What are your answers to these questions?
  • How might diversity have contributed to creating a more robust community?
  • How might that diversity have impeded the community from working together?

  • What is the role of mindfulness in harnessing the positive power of diversity?
    
     

 

A key take-away from this video is that differences can be used as building blocks to create opportunities for inclusion and accessibility.

The Mindfulness of the Group

Recent studies support the power of the group in increasing our acceptance of diversity, and more specifically by reducing unconscious bias.

According to one leader in the field, David Rock, Director of the NeuroLeadership Institute, reducing such bias cannot be accomplished by an individual acting alone: “Any strategy that essentially relies on people to try not to be biased is doomed to fail.” But a group addressing the same task can be successful. “You’ve got to shift the focus from individuals trying not to be biased to teams being able to catch bias. There’s decades of research showing that format of strategy actually is the best format for behavior change and habit formation.” An interesting suggestion from this work is that groups themselves can be mindful, as well as individuals.

This analysis applies not only to community-based groups, but to business settings as well. In this connection, one newsworthy example and application was the employee training undertaken at the national coffee shop chain Starbucks, following a racial profiling incident at one of its stores.

FINDING COMMON GROUND

Another key aspect of mindful community building is our attempt to find common ground among group and community members. A mindful community is one that lives in common ground. This is not a place of homogenous thoughts and beliefs. Rather, in common ground, everyone is welcomed to share their ideas. In common ground, we have a mutuality of purpose and a focus on the power of the collective consciousness to bring about the common good. Common ground is entered and maintained through clear and open communication, mindful interactions, and welcoming diversity.

Sometimes finding common ground can be elusive, for two separate groups within a larger group may want the same outcome, yet may be unable to get past their separate agendas. Each believes it has the “best” way of accomplishing the goal. But entering the collective consciousness and attaining common ground requires being aware of any competing agendas and letting them go, in order to share perceived realities of both groups. This requires losing an “us versus them” mentality.

When we become a collective “we,” reaching consensus – the common ground – becomes more likely. Even if consensus is not reached, this way of working together strengthens the foundation of community.

Objectively Finding Common Ground: A Story

Two groups of individuals, who worked for the same company but in different divisions, had the common goal of ridding an area of invasive plants. They were tasked with working together to discover the best, most appropriate solution. One group wanted to use herbicides, while the other was vehemently against their use. But instead of each group holding firm on its “right” way to accomplish the desired outcome, both groups approached problem resolution mindfully. They agreed to be open to what the other group was saying.

The process used to resolve the problem was Contemplative Dialogue. In using this process, both sides intentionally named and discussed their beliefs and assumptions. Each made a commitment to listen to what the other side said and to ask questions in nonthreatening ways. All present also agreed to maintain an attitude of mindfulness and to return to mindfulness when gently reminded. Both groups, in addition, were mindful that they weren’t enemies; rather, both wanted the same outcome – a decrease in unwanted plant life. The best pathway to that outcome was the only difference.

One person in the group suggested using herbicides to eradicate the invasive plants; but after the initial application, the area would be seeded with hardy native plants, thus limiting the ability of the invasive plants to regrow. Neither group had independently thought of this solution. The consensus of the group was that this was the best plan of action. As a result, trust increased between the two diverse groups and within the community as a whole. Mindfulness here created the opportunity to reach consensus and gain common ground.

The next time a solution needed to be found, the groups came together not as adversaries but as cooperative members of the same organization. Trust and respect for different ideas had grown. Through mindfulness, all recognized they were all part of the same community, and came to act with the community’s general welfare in mind.

This approach to resolving differences can be applied in many other community settings, in particular to those where active conflict is present.

RESOLVING CONFLICTS

In searching for common ground, and in building strong communities, conflict may occur. This is also a natural part of community life. Our challenge in mindful community building is to resolve conflict amicably in order to strengthen community members, relationships, and the community itself.

Many of us avoid conflict when possible; yet conflict does not disappear when ignored. Often conflict is recognized, but there might not be sufficient energy or expertise to resolve it. What starts as low-level conflict, though, can become full-blown when not addressed mindfully. Conflict may seethe under the surface. Even participants who are only remotely connected to the original conflict may be affected by it. All this impacts the relationships of community members and the ability of the group to work effectively and to build community.

Mindful community building requires that we do not run from conflict. Rather, it encourages us to be aware of conflict, even when its level is low. Generally speaking, when a brewing conflict is acknowledged in its early stages, a quicker resolution can be found. Conflict makes most people uneasy; but when reverence is fostered in community relationships, identifying and discussing conflict, while still not easy, is not so scary. And with mindfulness, we can find common ground and resolve the conflict before it grows deep roots of resentment.

Using Mindfulness to Resolve Conflicts

But how, specifically, does one go about resolving a conflict within or between groups? Identifying the conflict, without assigning blame, is the first step to resolution. By doing so, the conflict is de-escalated and may not get to the point of angry feelings, or a standoff. After the conflict has been identified, and when attempting to find the best way to de-escalate a conflict, all members are asked to be objective and aware of how their judgments and assumptions impact the conflict. The group members seek to find common ground, while being respectful of everyone. Then, after a period of fact-finding and discernment, mindful solutions are proposed, chosen, and enacted.

Throughout this process, the group has at its heart a compassionate presence, and the best interests of all of its members. The group agrees that communication is always respectful – a major asset for any community, both in times of agreement and conflict.

Beyond these steps, we can employ additional conflict resolution skills. In addition to identifying the conflict through mindfulness, many specific techniques have been developed to resolve conflicts. Here are some of the main ones:

• Create a safe space where the conflict can be talked about.
• Recognize that different individuals may respond to the conflict actively engaged, passively, assertively, or aggressively.
• Agree on ground rules. These may include listening to others without interrupting, being mindful in responses, using “I” rather than “you” language, and not placing blame.
• Encourage individuals to acknowledge their fears (privately or publicly).
• Suggest that individuals share their stories regarding the conflict.
• Promote a standard of each party taking ownership in resolving the issue by accepting their role in the conflict, forgiving the others involved, and letting go of any grievances.

Using these techniques calls for open group dialogue. A trained facilitator can capture key understandings of the dialogue during brainstorming. In seeking common ground, the group discovers appropriate ways to let go of grievances and begin the process of reconciliation. The group decides upon the best course of action moving forward, while recognizing that it is easy to fall back into old patterns that recreate conflict. This can be challenging. Learning to respond mindfully and effectively to conflict is a lifelong practice.

One more point about conflict: Interpersonal conflict is a result of one or more people feeling threatened. It does not matter if the threat is real; the reaction is based upon perception. But while feeling threatened and experiencing conflict can trigger strong emotion, it can also provide opportunities for individual and communal growth. Awareness of this potential for growth is a benchmark of mindful community building.

This video on conflict resolution discusses how to identify and resolve conflict before it becomes unsurmountable:

 

Restorative Justice and Mindful Conflict Resolution

A particular application of mindfulness to resolving conflict involves what is known as restorative justice. In this procedure, which is most commonly used when a law is broken by a juvenile, perpetrator and victim meet together to decide on the most appropriate remedy.

An example: Two community members discovered windows broken in their homes. Rocks were lying on the floors inside their houses. Three boys had thrown the rocks. The two homeowners met with the three boys and their families to discuss what happened and what led to the boys throwing the rocks. This included the boys sharing parts of their lives that brought them to this point. The homeowners also shared how they felt about what the boys did.

What resolutions emerged from the meeting? One homeowner gave the boys the rocks they had thrown, with encouragement to use the rocks to engage in mindfulness – to remember what happens when you act out of anger and to realize that you can make different choices. The boys agreed to pay for the cost of replacing the windows of this person, and also agreed to help with yard work. The second homeowner asked only for an apology. He did give them a piece of advice: “Listen to the voice inside you when it tells you that something isn’t right. Trust in that voice; it will never steer you wrong.”

This type of meeting demonstrates both restorative justice and mindfulness in action. Through dialoguing, both the victims and the perpetrators became “real” to one another, rather than anonymous. Relationships were formed; traditional punishments were avoided; meaningful resolutions were agreed upon; and community ties were strengthened. (The story above is adapted from a Restorative Justice Louisville case.)

AVOIDING COMMUNITY-BUILDING FATIGUE

Although successful community building has great rewards, the very acts of creating and implementing can be exhausting. If a group is constantly resolving conflicts, making difficult decisions, or dealing with challenging group dynamics, over time group members may personally suffer from community-building fatigue.

This fatigue can be minimized through both collaboration and self-care. Maintaining strong communities depends upon the ability to collaborate and work together. Mindful community building also requires that individuals show care for themselves. Both these factors help ensure that individuals present their most authentic selves. When individuals are at their authentic best, communities have a better chance of mindfully building a sustainable infrastructure.

Community-building fatigue is a real thing. Alison Azaria, who writes for 2degrees, cautions that in order to avoid such fatigue, or to avoid reacting from stressors instead of responding with compassion, community builders should ensure:

• Clear understanding of what is required for each initiative. Offer simple requirements and state how they overlap with those of other projects.
• Excellent communication before, during, and after project completion. Inform collaborators about the progress of the initiative, including what is facilitating progress and preventing it.
• Avoidance of complicated requirements for collaboration. Be clear in instructions, with a means of clarifying misunderstandings before they become conflicts.

The key point here is that mindfulness can help prevent community-building fatigue. When community builders are trained in mindfulness, they become aware of the potential personal costs of their community work. They are then more likely to notice personal signs of depletion and take corrective actions before the full giving of their time, talent, and resources becomes impacted.

Now that we have examined some key attributes of the mindful community builder, together with some key group factors in mindful community building, we are ready to turn our attention to how to develop mindfulness. For once we have become more mindful ourselves, our own attitudes and actions will encourage others to act mindfully as well, even if we are not directly teaching them to do so.

To preview our own viewpoint: Developing mindfulness for the community builder, or for anybody, comes with practice. In more general terms, mindfulness is a skill, and as with any skill practice usually leads to better outcomes. As we have pointed out, one of the great attractions of mindfulness is that it can be practiced at any time and in any place – in every waking moment – but often, our mindfulness abilities are enhanced when we undertake a regular contemplative practice. We elaborate on this theme below.

Developing Mindfulness and Mindful Communities

THE ROLE OF MINDFUL LEADERSHIP

How does one develop mindfulness and mindful communities? A good beginning is to return to the key topic of leadership.

Mindful communities need leadership. The leaders of mindful communities provide guidance at all levels of engagement. In a mindful community, everyone has the capacity to lead. But in particular, a mindful leader focuses awareness on the present moment. In order to live in awareness, both leaders and community members may agree to develop a routine of both formal and informal mindfulness practice.

What these practices have in common is that they are contemplative – meaning that they focus our awareness on the present moment. According to a Harvard mindfulness help guide, the core of these practices involves “deliberately paying attention to thoughts and sensations without judgment.” In general, these practices also bring all aspects of our being (body, mind, spirit, and emotions) into greater alignment.

But what does this mean, specifically?

CONTEMPLATIVE PRACTICE: SOME EXAMPLES

Some examples of contemplative practices include:

• Sedentary practices, including sitting meditation, grounding, and centering
• Active practices, including tai chi, yoga, and walking. A contemplative walking practice might involve walking on a fixed path such as a labyrinth, or ordinary walking outdoors.
• Practices connected with activities of daily life, such as mindful eating and exercise
• Creative practices, including painting, drawing, journaling, writing poetry, and creating music
• Combined practices, incorporating several of these elements

Any of these practices can be either formal or informal. Formal practices are typically more structured, and typically occur at designated times of the day or week. A formal practice can anchor us into awareness, creating a framework for us to live in increased mindfulness. Informal contemplative practices, on the other hand, generally take place in brief periods of time, often five minutes or less, and can occur simply by pausing – we stop whatever we are doing and turn our attention within. This may happen whenever we feel unsettled, or at any time we feel the impulse to do so. We may notice our breath, count our footfalls, take a short walk, or explore the roots of a thought to discover what might be triggering internal or external conflict.

All of these practices, and others not listed here, are contemplative, and meditative, in that they focus attention on the present moment. All of them increase mindfulness, in that practitioners develop a heightened awareness of everything they do. All of them yield personal benefits, such as reduced stress, increased mental and physical agility, and increased ability to concentrate on the present. And all of them yield community-building benefits as well – for the mindfulness inherent in contemplative practices allows practitioners to become more aware of their own interactions with community members, to observe when a group is interacting productively, and to notice when conflict might be beginning to bubble up.

Developing mindfulness can also come about through collective mindfulness activities such as retreats. As an example, a recent conference at the Asheville Campus of the University of North Carolina focused on creating a mindful, more resilient campus. The event explored “ways that contemplative practices can be used to cultivate and support resilience – for when resilience is fostered, community fatigue diminishes.”

While the above list of practices is not exhaustive, each is an example of how we can increase our awareness in the moment. We are better able to identify the limits of our endurance and when we need to rest, thus increasing our abilities to mindfully interact. Spending time in silence by engaging in mindfulness practices also increases our mental acuity. Recognizing and attending to our emotions gives us the ability to allow them to dissipate instead of exploding.

What’s the direct connection between contemplative practices and community building? Each of these practices, formal or informal, helps us become more attentive to our thoughts, feelings, and actions in the moment. We can then better see how our motives and agendas are in alignment with the community collective, or how they might differ and have the potential to cause conflict. With this understanding, we can become better able to work with others in community.

In general, then, the intent of all these contemplative practices is to notice how our life is being hindered by distractions. When we are unaware, we may unconsciously sabotage a group project. Mindfulness is a means to realign our actions and our intent with that of the group. This may be a humbling experience, as we notice how often we are pulled away from the moment into our own agendas. Through mindfulness practice, we gain the power to respond based upon who we are, not upon what triggers motivate our reactions.

LEARNING AND APPLYING MINDFULNESS PRACTICE

Learning

Mindfulness is a lifelong practice, one that can take place anytime and anywhere. It is a skill that can be developed gradually throughout one’s life. We don’t suddenly wake up one morning being aware in every moment. We may go for days able to be mostly in the present moment and then be totally distracted by some person or event. When this occurs, we do not become discouraged; rather, we use formal and informal practices to discover what is distracting us and preventing us from entering into awareness and into community. We use this understanding to let go of the distraction and return to the moment.

The good news is that mindfulness is a skill anyone can develop. Even though we can take classes to learn certain practices, the key to becoming more mindful is our relationship with self and our ability to understand our self. Mindfulness requires that we know ourselves and our distractions (or what draws us into and away from the moment). Through self-awareness, we discover what secures our attention in the moment and what pushes us into another space. And each of us, regardless of background or experience, is capable of this.

The development of mindfulness, though, has to be tailored to each individual, for there is no one-size-fits-all formula for being mindful. A contemplative practice routine that works for one person may not work as well for another. We must be willing to shift how we access and maintain a state of mindfulness as needed. Our path to mindfulness is as unique as we are.

Applying

When we care for ourselves using contemplative practices, we are better able to interact with others in compassionate ways. This naturally strengthens the collective consciousness. The communal practice of mindfulness also strengthens relationships. And from these relationships, more intentional listening and compassionate response may occur.

Through this way of communicating, social activities are also created that encourage members to know one another. There is a development of deeper and closer interactions and an understanding and celebration of diversity. With an increase in trust and understanding, group members move beyond acting as individuals and enter the collective consciousness, the source of intentional community building.

The above activities, and others, empower our spirit and the spirit of community. They are part of our self-care, giving us respite from the constant stimulation of life. These mindfulness activities recharge us. Rested, we are more alert and ready to respond with an open mind and an expanded heart. In developing mindfulness, and in building communities, care for all aspects of our being – body, mind, spirit, and emotion – is fundamental.

Mindfulness Training in Schools

Mindfulness is being recognized as a core life skill in many school districts. Mindfulness training has been incorporated into those school settings across a broad age range, beginning as early as first grade. Such training provides instruction in contemplative practices not only to individuals, but also to larger groups.

A comprehensive resource in this area is Mindful Schools, which contains extensive instructional materials, including teaching modules, exercises, and several videos illustrating mindfulness training with children of different ages. There are fewer examples of mindfulness training for community groups as such, but this should be a fruitful area for further study and application.

Challenges to Mindful Community Building

Most community members truly want a community to thrive and its endeavors to succeed. But during any stage of community building, members may feel a lack of cohesion or unity. A previously-vital group may lose energy and begin to stagnate. Or a group may experience an event that derails the community effort, and struggle to return to its foundation. These are examples of challenges to community building. Although there are many such challenges, we will briefly focus here on five of them, and on how each one can be met.

• Lack of strong and effective leadership. As the needs of the community shift, there may be a misalignment between the skills of the current leadership and the skills necessary to move the community into the next phase. To meet this challenge, community members must be willing to serve as leaders when needed, first by using the skills they do have, and then by finding ways to acquire the needed skills that are currently missing.
• Dominant personalities. A great many groups have individuals who are quick to share ideas and then campaign for them. They tend to be better talkers than listeners, and they may seek to take an undue amount of control. To meet this challenge, it will help to teach mindful communication and objective observer skills to everyone, as well as to review communication expectations prior to any meetings.
• Little or no clarity about the values and goals of the community. Without clearly-established community values and goals, and planned movement toward those goals, a community risks stagnating, drifting, or moving in an unhelpful direction. To meet this challenge, set regular times, at regular intervals, for the community to reaffirm or modify its values, to assess progress toward goals, and to make corrections as may be necessary.
• Lack of clear conflict resolution processes. Very few people feel comfortable addressing conflict. As we have noted, it is often ignored until it explodes, shattering the cohesion of the group. To meet this challenge, learn about processes to resolve conflicts and invest in the conflict resolution education of community members. Encourage members to identify and name conflict in the beginning stages and to use their skills to resolve it at that time.
• Lack of inclusion and diversity. When everyone in the community is the same, the potential for stagnation is high. The community doesn't have the diversity of life experiences to move past other challenges or conflicts. To meet this challenge, actively recruit community members who have different points of view, come from various ethnic groups, are of different generations, or represent diversity in another way. The key is to find individuals who share the group’s core values and goals while also having a different perspective on how to put them into practice.

It may be that these challenges are not those your community is dealing with now, or that it is dealing with challenges not mentioned here. At some point, though, all communities do face community-building challenges of one kind or another. They are not necessarily a reflection of bad leadership, poor communication skills, or any other deficiency. Rather, challenges are inherent in community work, the natural growing pains each community goes through. To meet these challenges, mindfulness and mindful community building both play essential roles.

Conclusions

As our section draws to a close, let’s summarize some of the key points we have made:

As community workers, we want to strengthen community life, in order to produce better outcomes for everyone. Strong community life depends upon relationships, which are the building blocks of any community. So we seek strategies for creating and strengthening relationships. A primary way to do this is through mindfulness.

When relationships are strong, and when community members are engaged in mindful community interaction, members are less likely to blame others; instead, the tendency is to look for solutions and ways to improve individuals, relationships, and the community as a whole. If conflict occurs, the objective becomes one of developing stronger community members within the flexible, dynamic structure of community.

Through mindfulness, we gain a greater awareness of the ways people share their gifts and show gratitude for their resources. Mindfulness creates an environment of gratitude and optimism – one where together, within the collective consciousness, members discover ways to turn possibility into reality. Each member understands the importance of sharing their skills, while at the same time working toward consensus.

It’s important to realize, though, that community building, and mindful community building, is not easy. Conflicts occur, and damage to the group’s operation, even to its mission and values, can be a genuine threat. But conflicts need not be seen as failures of the community; rather, any challenge may be an opportunity for realignment of the community’s purpose and mission. Through effective communication, transparency, and inclusion, conflicts can be acknowledged and addressed. And when any challenge is met, the community grows.

Celebrating what goes well and weathering the tough times is all part of community life. When community members are mindfully invested, the negative impact of the tough times is more likely to be minimal. Living in community is not easy; but, with focused effort, and continued practice, the rewards from developing engaged, mindful communities are immeasurable.

We wish you great success in applying mindfulness to your own community-building work.

 

Contributor

Vanessa Hurst

Editor

Bill Berkowitz

Vanessa F. Hurst is a community builder who collaborates with organizations to deepen connections with current constituents and welcome new community members. She consults with organizations to identify and grow their compassion cultures. Vanessa is the author of Engaging Compassion through Intent and Action and A Constellation of Connections: Contemplative Relationships. As a mindful coach and Neural Synchrony™ facilitator, she guides individuals in discovering the most viable path of transformation. For more information, see www.intentandaction.com.

Example 1: Starting Where You Are: Sowing the Seeds of Community – A Story

The founding of Compassionate Louisville illustrates some of the principles of mindfulness applied to community life. In 2012, a year after Louisville, Kentucky, became a Compassionate City, a group of individuals representing many organizations spent several retreat days creating the mission, values, and vision of Compassionate Louisville. Each person was mindful of how they were living the mission and values, and shared these ideas during the session. Twelve values were eventually named. It was through mindful awareness that the group chose the values that best reflected the newly-formed community.

This group saw itself as seeding a community of greater mindfulness. Its vision statement imagined “a community and world becoming more and more compassionate.” As a collective and as individuals, members reaffirmed the mission “to champion and nurture the growth of compassion.” This articulation of Compassionate Louisville’s mission and values was made possible through strong facilitation of the group and committed leaders intent on bringing the vision of a more compassionate city to life. These leaders became the roots of an ever-growing tree of committed volunteers whose goal was for a more compassionate city to actually come about.

But mindfulness was integral to the process. Without mindfulness, the group would not have reached a level of understanding that encouraged both leadership and consensus.

Through the growing public awareness of this initiative, the group then encouraged other citizens to discover how they might answer the question, “How can compassion best operate in Louisville?” Mindfully building a city of compassion means not giving up when compassion appears to fall short. Conflict is not ignored but recognized, for through conflict comes the opportunity to grow compassionately. Within dynamic, flexible structures, resolutions are identified and initiated. These resolutions have the principles of the community at their foundations.

To this day, the Coordinating Circle of Compassionate Louisville continues to be an organic, dynamic, and evolving community whose key objective is to mindfully observe how compassion is manifesting in the City and to search for ways to facilitate compassion’s presence.

Example 2: Critical Thinking and Compassionate Policies: A Story

Mindful groups and mindful community builders willingly, if not easily, acknowledge where potential conflicts exist. Either the group as a whole or a subset works to identify the conflict and then create potential resolutions. The subset of the group transparently reports its findings and suggestions to the group.

In one case, a group of women who were military veterans created a support group. This group was open to all women who had served in the U.S. military. Over time, they discovered that some of the women carried deep emotional wounds. Their wounds sometimes came to the surface and triggered conflict among group members. The leaders wanted to create a stronger, inclusive community; but they were unsure how to mindfully address the needs of these women in ways that were compassionate and that also empowered them to continue to participate in the group.

With the help of an outside facilitator, guidelines for compassion within the group were defined and put into place. The myth of compassion as being “nice” in ways that potentially created co-dependent behavior was debunked. Two additional items were placed on the application to join, specifying the responsibilities of the member and the community. The group leaders also connected with mental health care providers willing to provide emergency assistance if necessary. In practice, both redefining compassionate actions and the creation of policies helped create a safe environment.

The same group of leaders attended a workshop to improve communication and conflict management skills. As both leaders and members became more adept in listening and responding with compassion, there were fewer escalations of conflict that stemmed from an individual member’s woundedness. Over time, the meetings became known as places of safety.

A valuable lesson from this story is that mindfulness within this group led to the naming of a conflict. The director realized that conflict could not be resolved within the group without external assistance. In addition, what was learned in mindful communication training was shared with the group at large. Modifications in communication styles were an important step in repairing group structure, and stimulated more mindful communication. Instead of focusing on individual conflicts, the group was able to focus on the collective whole. Building upon the values and mission of the organization, the group strengthened the safe and supportive environment for which the organization is now known.

The group incorporated several of Wheatley’s suggestions in resolving conflict. The group of women supported what they created through its evolution. They acted responsibly by hiring a trained facilitator and engaging in open, mindful conversation. The focus was on what was working and on sharing the wisdom of group members. Instead of ostracizing those that were viewed as disruptive, they created a paradigm of forgiveness and love.

Example 3: Taking a Long, Loving Look at the Real: A Story of Community Support

Several years ago, community groups in Louisville, Kentucky, began to address the need to provide housing for approximately 360 military veterans who were homeless in the city. Named Rx: Housing Veterans, the resulting project was headed by the local Coalition for the Homeless and by Louisville Metro Government. More than 15 organizations within the community mindfully came together to create housing strategies.

Using combined government and private resources, the group developed plans that included not only providing housing for displaced veterans but also supplying other help, including securing employment, medical care, and help for addictions. The plan was to have the number of veterans experiencing homelessness at functionally zero by the end of the next year.

The mindfulness of this group of community leaders mirrored the mindfulness in the community. Differences were respected; doors were opened; conflicts were addressed. Through transparency, they created forums where groups not only helped design and implement the programs but were invited to question activities.

Instead of blaming or shaming the group that was experiencing homelessness, the group took a long, loving look at the current situation. They identified the factors that contributed to homelessness of veterans. The group clarified what other needs might be addressed. So, instead of creating a one-size-fits-all solution, a community of support was created to compassionately help veterans integrate in the community at large.

This example shows that mindful community building is mirrored in communication with a listening ear and a welcoming heart. Listening to one another and inviting everyone’s participation resulted in a non-hierarchical approach for formal and informal meetings alike. These mindful leaders created a structured and safe environment for interactions to flourish and connections to thrive. Within this environment, both individuals and the community as a whole could more easily work with a spirit of collaboration. Such collaboration brings us to a new place of understanding – the common ground.

Example 4: Objectively Finding Common Ground: A Story

Two groups of individuals, who worked for the same company but in different divisions, had the common goal of ridding an area of invasive plants. They were tasked with working together to discover the best, most appropriate solution. One group wanted to use herbicides, while the other was vehemently against their use. But instead of each group holding firm on its “right” way to accomplish the desired outcome, both groups approached problem resolution mindfully. They agreed to be open to what the other group was saying.

The process used to resolve the problem was Contemplative Dialogue. In using this process, both sides intentionally named and discussed their beliefs and assumptions. Each made a commitment to listen to what the other side said and to ask questions in nonthreatening ways. All present also agreed to maintain an attitude of mindfulness and to return to mindfulness when gently reminded. Both groups, in addition, were mindful that they weren’t enemies; rather, both wanted the same outcome – a decrease in unwanted plant life. The best pathway to that outcome was the only difference.

One person in the group suggested using herbicides to eradicate the invasive plants; but after the initial application, the area would be seeded with hardy native plants, thus limiting the ability of the invasive plants to regrow. Neither group had independently thought of this solution. The consensus of the group was that this was the best plan of action. As a result, trust increased between the two diverse groups and within the community as a whole. Mindfulness here created the opportunity to reach consensus and gain common ground.

The next time a solution needed to be found, the groups came together not as adversaries but as cooperative members of the same organization. Trust and respect for different ideas had grown. Through mindfulness, all recognized they were all part of the same community, and came to act with the community’s general welfare in mind.

This approach to resolving differences can be applied in many other community settings, in particular to those where active conflict is present.

Tool: Tending the Civic Soil

This sermon guide and toolkit from the United Methodist Health Ministry Fund helps support civic engagement as well as Faith in Democracy, an initiative dedicated to ensuring that every Kansan is able to be an informed, enthusiastic, engaged voter.

Tending the Civic Soil was written by the Neighboring Movement team with the preacher and worship planner in mind. They have designed this tool as a one-stop shop for all the worship components you may have in your congregation. Each week includes ideas and suggestions to fill your bulletin, including songs, prayers, children’s sermon, exegesis, sermon ideas, and creative responses to the sermon.

Read more and access the tools here.

 

 

 

This and other sections in the Tool Box chapter on Spirituality and Community Building (Chapter 28) have been written with the support and contributions of experts connected with the Charter for Compassion. For more information about the Charter and its work, visit www.charterforcompassion.org.

Introduction

The Power of Gratitude and Appreciation

Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others.
– Cicero

Gratitude and appreciation are important in community life and in community building because they bring us into positive and direct relationship with ourselves and others. Feeling gratitude and expressing appreciation opens our hearts and lifts our hands to the tasks before us. These qualities are spiritual; they elevate us into a realm of higher achievement and connectivity. They bring people together as they amplify our collaborative efforts. And they improve community outcomes.

Our emphasis here will be to look at gratitude and appreciation from a community builder’s perspective, as well as from a broader management and organizational view. In a world so extensively focused on technology and financial resources, are the benefits of gratitude and appreciation worth the time and the effort? If so, how might we build these spiritual qualities into our own lives and work?

In this Tool Box section, we will define and explain how shared gratitude and appreciation can enliven the process and the effectiveness of building community. We will explore how gratitude and appreciation deepen relationship, and also look at how they can generate opportunity, open our hearts to surprise, sustain resiliency, and support innovation. We will further consider how practices of gratitude and appreciation can build participation in community efforts, by increasing citizen, volunteer, employee, and funder capacity, thereby leading to more enduring and sustainable community accomplishments.

Keeping cultural contexts in mind, we will then focus on how to develop and demonstrate gratitude and appreciation. What are some personal and organizational practices along these lines that sustain us, individually and collectively? How might you apply them in your own setting? What might be their limitations? And are there situations where other approaches might yield more effective results? For we do agree that gratitude and appreciation by themselves are ordinarily not sufficient in community work, even though they are almost always desirable, if not also necessary.

Toward the end, we will look at some of the difficulties, pitfalls, and general challenges of applying gratitude and appreciation into our lives and our work. Many of these can be overcome, yet no application is perfect; we must accept that our efforts may sometimes fall short. Even so, we can still benefit from appreciating those efforts, even though they may be imperfect. .

And finally, in a separate supplement to this main section under Tools, we include descriptions of two application strategies – Appreciative Inquiry and Appreciative Assessment – that community builders can use to promote gratitude and appreciation in their own community work.

The two of us writing this section bring different perspectives and backgrounds to the task. Suzanne Hale’s career has focused primarily on program design and delivery in a broad range of settings, from Canadian indigenous communities in northern British Columbia and Yukon to urban, bilingual community centers in Ontario and Quebec. Mary Ella Keblusek has worked primarily with business and nonprofit organizations in the United States, Nigeria, Canada, India, and Switzerland. Though our work settings have been different, both of us have come to value the importance of gratitude and appreciation as a foundation for community building.

As experienced community program developers, gratitude and appreciation are essential to our work. They extend our personal capacities, enrich our relationships in community, and allow us to further integrate our program goals. Feeling gratitude and appreciation shifts our perspective from single, isolated individuals into an expanding flow of relationship and unfolding possibility. Where fear or self-doubt would hold us back, feeling gratitude and appreciation help move us forward.

One (of Many) Examples of Gratitude and Appreciation in Action

"I (Suzanne) was hired into a community-based training program. My job was to build participation with the trainees, in collaboration with two team leads.

"My initial attitude in doing this job was one of gratitude. I was very thankful to be involved in this worthy project, training two teams of workers who in turn trained mothers in play-based learning games to share with their families and preschool children. But relatively quickly, I learned that one of the team leads felt that she had wanted and merited the position I had been freshly hired to fulfill. Initially, she was not inclined to work with me, or to support my initiatives.

"At times, as the program rolled out, offering my leadership met with more resistance; stalemates made working together difficult. However, I learned to set some boundaries and focus where I could find a positive foothold, actively supporting what was working, and recognizing positive performance as it occurred. Each time a member of our team contributed positively, I showed appreciation by directly acknowledging their contribution. This was true for all team members, even those not inclined to offer appreciation back.

"My goal was to build and maintain participation, not to engage in personal conflicts. And over three years our project succeeded – both in its rate of participation and our overall achievement of goals. Showing gratitude and appreciation, and focusing on shared goals and responsibilities helped our group to reach these goals. We parted company with respect and satisfaction for the overall positive results we had achieved together.

"Learning to focus on the positive, and not engage in power struggles was a valuable lesson that modeled and became a foundation of resilience and productivity."

Defining Gratitude and Appreciation

As we get started, it’s important to consider exactly what we mean by the terms “gratitude” and “appreciation.” Many of us use these words interchangeably. But there is a useful distinction to be made between them. The Oxford Dictionary online defines gratitude as “the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.” On the other hand, appreciation is defined as the “recognition and enjoyment of the good qualities of someone or something.” Fundamentally, then, we see “gratitude” as a more general internal state of being, while “appreciation” tends to represent the more particular ways we choose to express that gratitude – through our thoughts, our attitudes, and our external words and actions. Thus, gratitude is the inner foundation from which appreciation can develop and prosper.

One reason this distinction is important is that it would be possible to be grateful for something without truly appreciating it. For example, as community workers, we might be grateful for having a stable and fulfilling job, but not really take the time to consider and appreciate the nature of the people we are serving, or the community systems that make our job possible.

Appreciation, though, can help us become more aware of the source of our gratitude. We can increase this awareness in many ways; one recommended practice is to consciously reflect on the specific reasons for our gratitude. For example, we might be grateful for a beautiful day, and ask ourselves, “What is it about this day that makes me feel it is so beautiful?” Then we can notice and appreciate those elements that we particularly appreciate – perhaps the warmth of the sun (or the soft beauty of the snow), the gentle breeze blowing, birds that are singing, or the people and animals alongside us who are also enjoying the day.

Appreciation itself may take many forms. It may be experienced within oneself – as in the “beautiful day” example above – or demonstrated outwardly in words or actions. As examples, recognition, encouragement, and validation are more focused types of appreciation, frequently connected to a particular action or behavior. Alternatively, appreciation may be seen in a broader perspective as showing gratitude for who an individual or group is (rather than focusing on what they do). This approach can contribute to building loyalty, respect, and a positive group culture. Both approaches to showing appreciation are useful and necessary.

Regardless of the form it takes, the act of showing appreciation, or simply knowing why we are sharing it, results in a deepening of our understanding and experience of gratitude, and ideally becomes a conscious choice about how that gratitude might best be expressed. Sharing appreciation brings us into contact and relationship with others. In this section, we hope to offer a range of choices and experiences for you to draw upon, so that you may learn to develop and express more gratitude and appreciation in your own life and work.

In developing our own understanding of gratitude and the ongoing renewal of gratefulness, we have been influenced by the work of Brother David Steindl-Rast and his colleagues at www.gratefulness.org, which features many gratitude-based resources and practices to share.

The Importance of Gratitude and Appreciation in Community Building

If you are helping to build communities, you are likely to be a busy person. Each day is full of tasks to accomplish and decisions to make. Can my organization really afford to buy a new computer? How can I get the word out about our new project? Do we have the time to attend a conference? Is the copy machine finally fixed? These and so many other tasks are the everyday stuff of community life and work. They have their importance, and they can’t really be ignored.

Gratitude and appreciation, by contrast, are not daily demands. They will not, by themselves, keep the lights on or get the staff paid. Although gratitude and appreciation may seem abstract and postponable, or even dispensable, they are just as important in their own way.

Why? We’ll offer several reasons.

• Gratitude and appreciation both bring us into deeper contact with our  communities. Being able to focus even momentarily on what is working and what we are thankful for can lift us up and out of our single-mindedness and into a more integrated sense of connection with the physical world, and the community around us.
• In work and life, we seek more than material rewards. Studies have shown that in for-profit organizations, money is not the primary component of employee satisfaction. In fact, the U.S. Department of Labor found that “the number one reason why people leave their jobs is because they don’t feel appreciated” (64%; more than any other reason).  Similarly and strikingly, a Gallup poll found that almost 70% of American employees state that they receive no praise or recognition in the workplace in a given year.
• The importance of appreciation is even more relevant for community organizations and groups that rely on volunteers, where staff are typically unpaid or paid less than in business enterprises. It has also become apparent that, in general, younger generations of workers are less and less motivated by money, and are increasingly prioritizing social benefits such as appreciation and recognition to provide job satisfaction.
• Sharing gratitude typically provides both the giver and the receiver with a sense of well-being. And this may create a gratitude cycle – one where the person who receives our gratitude extends their gratitude or appreciation back to us, and/or out to others. Each person is thus enriched, as they expand their expression and reception of gratitude.

Have you noticed this within your own workplace or community? Why not try it out and share your appreciation with someone, about some part of your work or community life? What happened as a result? Did sharing appreciation affect you positively? Did you notice if it affected your environment positively? How did the other person receive your recognition? For our work in community building, offering and receiving authentic appreciation can build trust, a sense of belonging, and a desire for inclusion and participation in a program or project.

In community building – and within groups and organizations – gratitude and appreciation can enhance interactions. They can bring us into positive contact with others. They help create deeper bonds of relationship, motivating individuals and teams, and unifying groups toward a shared purpose. Whether we are sharing insights, experiences, or conversations, expressions of gratitude and appreciation help to build trust between people and groups. And by sharing stories or acts of gratitude and appreciation, we draw from our past to illuminate a brighter future.

 

To further illustrate these points, Suzanne tells this story of her beginning to work in a brand new community, showing how a simple act of gratitude brought a new wave of participation into a fledgling community program, and highlighting the relationship between gratitude and appreciation and program accomplishment.

“I was hired to create a drop-in learning center in a small indigenous community in northern British Columbia, Canada. I had no experience working with indigenous communities. I didn’t know anyone in the community. I had no real ideas or strategies about how to kindle participation. I felt alone, and a little overwhelmed by how little I knew. And so I felt a little anxious about how to start a drop-in learning center.

“Luckily, both the Chief, and also the Education Coordinator, shared the community’s ideals and vision with me, about why creating the Learning Center was important. How to create it, however, was an unfolding mystery. If people didn’t come, if they didn’t drop in to the Learning Center, our program would not succeed. But why would people drop in?

“The Learning Center was to be housed in an old utility trailer, a long, brown-paneled tube. It was full of dusty furniture and books. There was no running water or bathroom. The furnace was loud, but it mostly worked, an important feature in the sub-arctic environment of northern British Columbia.

“We cleared and sorted it out, and brought in new books, shelves, and posters. But there was still something missing. Shine. And it was up to me to create it. So, as a matter of course, on hands and knees, I washed and waxed the old scratched-up floor. It did shine, and that was a relief. It felt very important to welcome the community with some polish and care.

“And although I didn’t know it at the time, that’s when the people began to notice something new was happening. They began to talk; they got the idea that our program was serious. Word spread, and soon, before we officially opened, community members started dropping in to find out for themselves what the Learning Center could become. First came the children; then their parents, aunts, and grandmothers started dropping in too. I welcomed them. I was entirely delighted and relieved by their visits.

“This was the very beginning of our program momentum. Through the expression of our mutual gratitude and appreciation, we began to build a relationship and the foundations for our program, together.”

 

Gratitude and appreciation were key factors in this example. But more generally, our key point is that meeting a community with gratitude and appreciation, together with openness and curiosity, gives us a basis for forming relationships. This helps build momentum towards a greater, more authentic, collective purpose. Direct relationships with the community integrate programs. They are essential because they help to build content, process, participation, and success in a natural manner.

We can summarize our meaning this way:

• Gratitude and appreciation
• Relationship
• Participation and problem-solving
• Positive community outcomes, through innovation

The presence of one factor leads to another, in a natural progression. At the beginning, both gratitude and appreciation provide a foundation for community building to occur. The state of gratefulness (feeling gratitude) may also open our minds to learning new things, and listening to new points of view.

To highlight our general theme further, take a moment to look at this lively but also research-based video, “An Experiment in Gratitude,” which concludes: “One of the greatest contributing factors to overall happiness in your life is how much gratitude you show.”

 

 

 

Situations Favoring the Promotion of Gratitude and Appreciation

Almost any situation can benefit from the expression of gratitude and appreciation. Here are some particular examples and situations in which sharing of gratitude and appreciation can make a positive community difference.

• Recognition for the food we are about to eat: to the Creator, and to those who grew it and prepared the food we are sharing
• Expressions of love to our families, or feelings of belonging with people we value in our community and beyond
• Appreciation for relationships: for people being able to give thanks to service providers; for knowing where to take their challenges, questions, and issues; and for knowing that they can bring their concerns forward in the first place, to have them heard and potentially addressed
• Appreciation for colleagues, or gratitude for having been mentored or shown by community members what contributes to building community
• Celebrations for group or individual achievements, ranging from completion of training, to fundraising, to building or creating new and improved community resources
• Acknowledgment for acts of service, kindness, dedication, or generosity we have received or given, perhaps unexpectedly, from or to others in community
• Humility and appreciation for the challenges or confusion of unresolved situations that we seek to understand and illuminate
• Interest and appreciation for the mystery and mastery of how the world and how our lives are unfolding

This is only a partial list of favorable situations. Based on your own experience, are there other reasons and contexts for sharing gratitude and appreciation that you would like to add?

How to Use Gratitude and Appreciation in Community Building

If gratitude and appreciation have such great value in a wide variety of situations – and we believe they do – then we should learn more about how to incorporate these powerful spiritual assets into our community work. How do we do it? That’s the main focus of this heading.

The Cycle of Gratitude and Appreciation

To open our discussion, it’s helpful to note that gratitude and appreciation energize many separate stages of program development and community building. The following diagram illustrates them. It takes the form of a cycle, moving clockwise; however, the cycle’s order is adaptable and can be varied according to a particular situation. From our perspective, starting the process on the top of the diagram, with an authentic welcome of all participants – including residents, volunteers, employees, and funders – is a good place to begin.

 

 

By using the cycle in the diagram as a framework, and moving clockwise around it from the top, here is what these program stages might look like in actual community practice:

• When people come to your program, welcome them! Whether there are two people or twenty, welcome them. Listen to them; listen to their ideas and experience; learn from them. Acknowledge the value of their experience. Allow yourself to be influenced by the people you are serving in community. When people feel welcome, they are more likely to return; and they may bring their friends. (We elaborate on the power of welcoming later on in this section.)
• As people start to engage in your program’s activities, recognize and appreciate their efforts and skills. Acknowledge the abilities and perspectives they bring to your program. This also means being open to learning how your participants might engage in activities differently than you. Include a variety of approaches and experiences. Try something new. Be gracious in observing differences.
• Appreciate and be guided by the cultural dynamics of the community you serve. This means being sensitive to the seasons, foods, events, and resources available in your community at various times of the year. Learn from the people around you. Adapt your own approach to reflect the interests, resources, and aptitudes of your program participants, volunteers, funders, and other stakeholders.
• Engage in both planned and spontaneous acts of recognition and appreciation for what you have achieved together after several weeks or months of meetings. In addition, you can incorporate both formal and informal acts of gratitude and appreciation for each other, for your program, or for something that you share. Such actions can occur regularly, and become part of your program’s normal operation.
• As participants start to become more comfortable with each other, and problem areas come up, innovate. Do something different. Keep getting participant feedback, and then create something to delight or surprise someone, somewhere. Take a small risk in addressing a priority of the group. Evaluate the results. Modify as needed. Do it again.
• Invite both planned and spontaneous feedback. After your program has been operating for a while, evaluate and assess how things have been going, where you have gotten to, and where you are going next. Use Appreciative Inquiry and ask, for example, “What did you enjoy about this activity?”, or “What surprised you when we tried this…?” (See more details on Appreciative Inquiry in a supplement to this section under Tools.) Ask other important questions about your project. If you wish to influence your group, allow them to influence you.
• Give thanks for the opportunities your program has enjoyed – such as the opportunities of getting to know each other and learning together; the opportunities of embarking on new adventures and having new experiences together; the opportunities to be safe and comfortable together.
• Celebrate, with awards or other kinds of recognition for the expertise and successes you have gained individually and collectively. Your celebrations can be as formal as giving out engraved certificates, or as informal as a pizza party or meeting in a new spot. People almost always like to be recognized, whether in large ways or small. Invite a sister or brother program to come and join you. Share some highlights or challenges as you build partnerships. Go on a group outing to discover a new community resource or place of interest. Share your discoveries together.

With this overview as a background, let’s continue to identify some other specific ways you as a community builder can use and apply gratitude and appreciation in your own community work. Some of these strategies focus on times when you are already familiar with the community setting and well integrated within it. At other times, though, you may be a relative newcomer, or just starting out. We’ll consider both types of situations.

When You Are Familiar with the Community Setting

(when you have existing relationships within a community)

First and foremost, in almost all circumstances, gratitude and appreciation are expressed by communication – meaning the simple acts of talking to people, visiting them, or taking the time to have a conversation without any specific agenda.

If you are familiar with your community setting, here are some examples of communication strategies and activities you might use to share and promote gratitude and appreciation:

• With the consent of community members, take photos or videos of people while they are building community. Before you begin, ask first for their permission. Print your images in collages or postcards to share in your community. Send one of your postcards as a thank-you to people for their contributions to a project, activity, or event.
• Take on-site before and after shots of building or project development.
• Share physical or mental images of what is challenging your project, while you are in the process of building community. Create art inspired by your goals.
• Send out brief progress reports with visuals, acknowledging contributions, accomplishments, and future plans.
• Show and tell people specifically how their contributions will be used in the project, and how they will expand or deepen the project’s level of success. Include photos of specific contributions as they appear. Say “thank you” to individuals personally, publicly, or privately by e-mail, social media, or written cards.
• Write and send notes of gratitude to people who might not have been sufficiently acknowledged in previous events. Tell them specifically how their contributions helped you.

One illustrative case in point comes from the section editor’s experience:

“My former colleague Barbara used to help organize meetings of a human services coalition. She carried a packet of ordinary postcards with her, and would use them to mail handwritten notes of appreciation for something that happened at the meeting. (This was some while ago, before e-mail and texting were quite as well established.) 

“Barbara might write something like ‘I was glad to see you today, even though I know you weren’t feeling well,’ or ‘Thank you for bringing along your friend,’ or ‘I really appreciated it when you came forward to volunteer for [X].’

“One might suspect that she was simply on the lookout for appreciative things to say; maybe so; but that does not mean that she wasn’t sincere in her expression. If you got to know Barbara better, you came to realize that this was basically her way of being in the world. She was also the person who always got up early to bake muffins at home to bring to the meeting, because that was just the kind of person she was.”

• Create a poem, a cheer, a skit, a song, a dance, or a rap that acknowledges people and program partners. Perform it in a variety of venues in your community.
• Host a storytelling or artistic evening where participants share stories of people or events that they are grateful for.
• Use drawing, painting, or sculpture as a way to express gratitude for participants, or for something that has been achieved by your project.
• Choose a theme, invite people to join you, and create some art to celebrate. Then have an art show.
• Feature local businesses and sponsors in a public thank you, through print or social media.
• Create and distribute press releases, in either traditional or social media or both, with photos and images to celebrate and acknowledge project milestones, donors, and contributors.
• Host an evening where people play the role of a real person who they are inspired by and grateful for – it could be a community member or leader, a national figure or celebrity, a diplomat or politician, or a family member, ancestor, or fictional character. Or alternatively, if you can, invite the actual person to the event. (These “gratitude nights” have frequently been held as part of school classes; their effects are often quite powerful.)
• Create a memorable event for your program or for your community to recognize contributions and achievements, with keepsakes that have a practical use, such as reusable beverage cups, mini-flashlights, carry bags, or something else unique to your setting.
• Alternatively, create a memorable event without any keepsakes. Donate the money you would have spent on keepsakes to another community partner or group.
• Choose a sister organization in or near your community, and honor its work. Fundraise on its behalf. Share its promotional resources, and its successes.
• Find another organization that shares some of the same challenges as your own. Brainstorm strategies to address these issues together. Implement and celebrate outcomes and successes. Evaluate and continue in developing innovative practices. Invite other groups to pair up and share their work as well.

What are the benefits here? By using or adapting any of these communication ideas, or others of your own design, you are likely to find that these expressions of gratitude and appreciation create energetic flow and excitement. They foster a sense of belonging. And they challenge and erode stagnant areas or unnecessary boundaries as well.

Within institutions and larger organizations, this may mean opening up the information process and allowing for the free flow of information. Don’t withhold information based on hierarchy; instead, inform people about issues that affect them, and consult with them about the best resolution. Direct consultation with stakeholders may offer new strategies as well as other major benefits to programs or organizations.

When You Are New to the Community Setting

Community workers generally create and deliver programs based on community participation. Typically, they have prior connections with the community before they begin; this helps to promote and build needed involvement.

But sometimes, we may enter communities as outsiders, without many local relationships. If you can then cultivate a sense of gratitude and openness within your own mind, you may generate and benefit from opportunities with other local practitioners and from the community itself. This can move a sole community worker from isolation and separation into expansion, discovery, and opportunity for community collaborations. In short, your personal conviction and practice of gratitude can set the stage for future benefits to come.

Here are some ideas for how and when to use, develop, and share gratitude and appreciation when you are coming into the community from the outside.

For individual community workers:

• Center yourself to overcome any of your own feelings of stress, isolation, or separation. For example, take a few moments at the beginning of your day to name what you are grateful for.
• When you meet new people – community members, employees, volunteers, or funders – show your appreciation for the opportunity to get to know them. Take the time to be with them and to get to know their community. Show your interest; engage your own curiosity. Ask questions about their experience; ask for their opinions and guidance. Listen and learn graciously.
• When taking on challenges, or developing new strategies, or when you are problem solving, innovating or seeking to innovate, reflect on the community members themselves. What is unique about them? What do you appreciate about them? Where have they shown resiliency or innovation? How can you learn more about and from the people who live in the community you seek to serve?
• When consulting with the community, invite community members to share what they are grateful for. This may include photographs, memorabilia, maps, posters, food, or other tangible items. Ask a couple of people to share in this way, at each group session. Allow some of these moments and expressions of thought to be integrated into the discussion.
• When people are getting to know each other, or coming together – or when people may be experiencing fatigue or burnout – share food, flowers, art, or something you love as a sign of your gratitude and appreciation for them.
• Become intentional about your gratitude practices. Set aside some time to journal, walk, sing, dance, e-mail, drum, write letters, paint, and photograph images of what you are grateful for. Mix it up a little. Keep your expressions of gratitude fresh and alive. (See also 11 tips on gratitude journaling.)

For organizations, networks, and funders:

• In conducting a brainstorming session with various partners, ask each participant what they recognize as strengths in your program, or another group or partner.
• To enrich or increase trust, especially when trust is necessary – for example, when you are building upon earlier innovation, challenges, or pioneering new initiatives – share stories of gratitude that may have come from lessons learned, crisis and innovations in the past.
• To deal with a crisis or situation when there is no planned strategy, exchange stories of gratitude and appreciation as a way to stimulate the development of a strategy or solution. (See discussion of Appreciative Inquiry under Tools.)
• In transitioning from a crisis, or when you are refocusing and regrouping, ask people to state directly some of the things they are thankful for.

Developing and Promoting Gratitude and Appreciation

It’s been essential for us to show how community workers like yourself can use and apply gratitude and appreciation in your own real-world settings. But that’s only part of the story. It’s equally essential to show how gratitude and appreciation can be developed in the first place.

All of us may have the capacity to express gratitude and appreciation. However, their expression, and their development, are not automatic. Like most other abilities, expressing gratitude or appreciation is strengthened through practice. A variety of gratitude practices help people and groups to relax and open up to each other, and let a group’s positive qualities shine through.

What are these practices? And how can we use them to develop and promote gratitude and appreciation in our own work? Many possibilities are available to us. Here are a few:

Beginning with Oneself: Self-Care

One basic approach to developing and promoting gratitude and appreciation is to begin with yourself. The healthy practice of self-care creates a foundation for your capacity to show gratitude to and appreciate others.

Several types of self-care practices will be familiar to many readers – for example, grounding oneself, or taking the time to slow down with meditation or prayer, both of which can take multiple forms. In addition for some, simply walking outside in nature or being in the garden will stimulate a relaxed sense of gratitude and appreciation. Alternatively, you could volunteer to help children, seniors, refugees, or others who are new to your community or country. Or you might intentionally cultivate an open social presence that is shared with others.

Let’s look at some individual practices that may be less well known. The practices below are useful to develop and strengthen self-care, gratitude for oneself, and appreciation for others in a variety of settings. They can be used as personal practices for those involved in community building, as practices to facilitate in groups, and as practices to teach other people.

Cradling Work

The cultural anthropologist Angeles Arrien describes a long-standing tradition of self-acknowledgment common to parts of Africa and to Oceanic societies. Referred to as cradling work, it is devoted to acknowledging oneself and “staying connected to the good, true, and beautiful aspects of one’s nature.” In her book The Four-Fold Way, Arrien describes cradling work as a four-part practice, which begins by lying on one’s back and placing both hands over the heart. One then proceeds in silence to:

• Acknowledge the character qualities that one appreciates about oneself.
• Acknowledge one’s own strengths and talents.
• Acknowledge the contributions one has made in the past and is making in the present.
• Acknowledge the love one has given and is giving, and the love one has received and is receiving.

As practiced in indigenous cultures, cradling work was considered to be most effective if performed three times a day – in the morning, afternoon, and at night.

Heart-Centered Meditation

This is a simple exercise that can easily be practiced daily, or whenever you feel a desire to connect more deeply in gratitude.

• Set everything aside and sit quietly for a minute; see if you can connect with your own heart center.
• Place your hand on your heart. Imagine inhaling unconditional love and acceptance for yourself. Whatever other messages may come in, see if you can continue to bring your focus back to yourself.
• Give yourself gratitude and appreciation… you who work so hard and mean so well.
• Imagine yourself as a small child; see that pure sweet essence of the innocent one within. Imagine holding yourself tenderly. On every in-breath, breathe in unconditional love for yourself, embracing yourself as a loving parent might gently hold their child – with tender, pure love. See yourself holding yourself, cherishing yourself. Call yourself a name of endearment, as if you are your own beloved.
• Close by expressing your gratitude and appreciation to yourself.

Journaling

This is a great practice for the start and/or end of the day. One approach is to start by asking yourself: What am I grateful for? Then, in a journal, list at least three to five items each day; try to be as detailed as possible. So not just, “I am grateful for this beautiful day,” but “I am grateful for the way the sun warms my skin and melts away any cares when I sit on the deck at the end of the day.” Go beyond simply listing “Health,” and instead possibly consider “My able-bodiedness that enables me to continue living in my split-level home, managing the stairs several times daily.” Not just “My children,” but “The loving connection I share with my daughter and how we so easily shared, laughed, and brainstormed together for over an hour on the phone today.”

Savoring

As you begin to notice more details of your daily life, perhaps through your journal, savor them, breathe them in, and allow the feelings of gratitude and appreciation to permeate your mind, body, and spirit. Allow this practice to spill over into the day, so that you begin to notice more sources of joy and gratitude all around you. Take at least 30 seconds to savor, breathe, and drink in moments of gratitude whenever they arise – so, for example, go beyond just glancing at the lovely roses blooming near your house; take time to really notice them, and also to notice how you are appreciating them.

Micro-Moments of Love and Connection

In using this practice, allow your mind to review the events of the day. Try to recall three micro-moments of your deepest sense of intimacy and connection. See if you can find positive moments that were especially rewarding and meaningful to you, even if very brief. They could be a smile between you and a stranger, petting your dog, hugging a friend, or a caring glance from a co-worker.

As you write down these moments in your journal (or merely note them in your mind as they occur), take 30 seconds or more to re-create and savor each one, allowing the feelings the recollection stimulates to permeate your entire being. This practice of attention and savoring will sensitize you to attract more experiences of this nature and add to your gratitude and appreciation, as well as to the love in your life.

Here’s how one practitioner has summarized the value of micro-moments, and gratitude practices in general:

“Sometimes we shut down in the face of suffering. We don’t feel anything, nor are we inclined to do anything about it. Gratitude practice is one powerful tool that serves as an antidote and allows us to move forward.

“By recalling any fortunate circumstance of our life, or a person who has helped us in any major or minor way, we can transform our worldview from one of helplessness and contraction to one of ease and quiet connectedness. From this place of balanced clarity, the actions we take in our daily lives have a greater potential to affect positive change both in ourselves and in the world.”

Developing Gratitude and Appreciation in Groups

Gratitude and appreciation can certainly be cultivated by the individual self-care practices we have described, and by other individual practices too. In addition, gratitude and appreciation can be fostered in groups directly.

For example, when beginning to work with a new community group, participants may not know each other; they may have serious questions or burning issues; they may feel skeptical, or even hostile. But sharing moments of gratitude and appreciation during their interactions can lessen reservations or defuse any tensions as their relationship grows. And reflecting on why and what people are grateful for within the group can extend group members’ awareness and trust of each other.

One theme worth emphasizing here is that of authentic welcome. As community workers, we meet people on a daily basis. Do we truly welcome them? Do we extend ourselves to them with an open sense of appreciation for the opportunity to learn from them? The specific ways we might welcome people into our workplace, our home, and our community reflects back and tells those people how welcome they truly are. And when people are actively welcomed in a group, sincerely and warmly, it becomes much more likely for gratitude and appreciation to be felt and expressed all around – both by those being welcomed, and by the welcomers too.

The related story just below brings out the power of authentic welcome in practice.

“At work, we would start our monthly department meetings with a spontaneous listing of what went well or share something that people were proud of. This always brought a sense of momentum and lightness to our meetings. It was a strong affirmation that we were making positive changes with our work. It was a good time to learn from staff about what they were working on, since our department offered many programs in different locations. And it was a time when we could show gratitude and appreciation toward each other.

“One day, our busy manager proposed that we end this sharing during our meeting, because we had more pressing information to deal with. Could we not just share good news on coffee break? This felt like a huge loss. So we explained why we wanted to keep our positive reporting ritual, and what it meant to our team. Sharing and reporting our good news was a major component of our program success. Our manager came to agree; our appreciation and our advocacy changed her mind. We were able to continue our shared practice of appreciation.”

Here are some ideas for creating authentic welcome in a group, as well as in many other community programs and community settings:

• Greet people warmly and learn more about their motivation for coming to the meeting or event. What are they interested in? Why might they have come? A welcome greeting and affirmation will also increase the likelihood of participation later on.
• Introduce people to others who may share their interests, talents, goals, or other similarities.
• Include these interests in the discussion, and acknowledge their connections to other issues as they unfold.
• Smile and visibly acknowledge people in the discussion.
• Share one’s own interests and discoveries within the meeting, while being responsive to other points of view.
• Pay careful attention to the physical environment. Create a room that is ordered and comfortable, with places where people can gather, sit, and converse.
• Have enough room for people, including any presenters and their equipment, to move around so that they are not squeezed in too tightly.
• Take advantage of color and texture: Use bright, colorful tablecloths (fabric pieces or sheets are fine) and if possible modest arrangements of flowers or other decorations. Welcoming people and creating a pleasing environment through your own efforts is an excellent foundation to build partnerships from, especially if you are going to ask these same people to contribute towards a project.
• Serve attractive, easy-to-eat fresh snacks or food. Try something new from time to time. Offering protein and fresh fruit or vegetables helps keep people alert and actively participating in a meeting or event. In contrast, serving sugary foods or too many carbohydrates may contribute to drowsiness, impatience, or frustration during events.

To summarize the key point: When participants are authentically welcomed, and a group has an intentional practice of sharing what it is grateful for, it becomes easier for everyone to share what challenges them, and eventually to share their emerging needs, fears, and deeper unanswered questions. Such routine gratitude and appreciation practices, in the long run, may help build trust and assist in gathering momentum for a process of change.

Some Additional Suggestions

To supplement the suggestions above, Dr. Ed Brenegar has identified five basic actions that support gratitude practices in workplaces and communities:

 

 

Collective Expressions of Gratitude and Appreciation: Festivals and Celebrations

Gratitude and appreciation can also be developed and expressed on larger, collective scales, going beyond individuals and groups. Many countries around the world, for instance, designate special holidays devoted to giving thanks and appreciation. Some of these focus on giving thanks to the earth or to a deity, for a successful harvest, or for other historic moments of survival; some honor the role of families; some emphasize thankfulness to ancestors. There is great value in communal celebration and rituals of thanksgiving, which provide opportunities to create deeper bonds of appreciation and honoring for others. Here are some examples from different cultures:

• The “Yam Festival” is celebrated in Ghana and Nigeria to give thanks to the spirits of the earth and the sky for the yam harvest. In Ghana, families prepare yams and other dishes for a community feast: Young people parade behind a boy chosen to carry the best yams. In Nigeria, the celebration begins with prayers of thanks and sacrifices of food to the ancestors, and continues with public wrestling matches and feasts.
• “Anata” is celebrated in Chile to honor Pachamama – the name for Mother Earth in the Quechua language – for everything she provided in the previous year.
• “Seren Tahun” is a traditional harvest thanksgiving festival celebrated in West Java (see photo), bringing together many thousands of villagers from across this province of Indonesia to share food and appreciation.
• “Chuseok” is a fall festival in Korea dating back 2,000 years. It is a holiday traditionally spent with family, giving thanks and honoring the dead through pilgrimages to the graves of one’s ancestors, followed by public celebrations with games and dancing.
• Thanksgiving is a tradition associated with honoring and celebrating the harvest. North Americans know it well as a Christian or secular family holiday. However, versions of a thanksgiving, frequently accompanied by a harvest feast and sometimes by prayers, are found in many different religions and cultures throughout the world.

Though the examples above are national, festivals and collective expressions of gratitude can and do take place on community levels too. Many individual communities, in many countries, have their own celebrations, sharing appreciation and honoring some local community tradition.

Just a few community examples: In the United States, a garlic festival in California; a “black flies ball” in New Hampshire, which turns the seasonal arrival of these unpleasant biting flies into a festive community dance event. In Canada, many communities celebrate seasonal events like the blossoming of lilacs or the Tulip Festival in Ottawa, featuring tens of thousands of tulips and the arrival of spring. In both countries and elsewhere, Mother’s and Father’s Days are celebrated in spring; Labor Day, in the fall.

As you get to know and become part of the community you are working with, what kind of celebrations have you noticed, or taken part in, that show group appreciation and gratitude? Are there factors that make them particularly successful? And is there a way that you or your program may contribute to the collective sharing of gratitude and appreciation in a community event?

Challenges, Issues, and Questions

Potential Pitfalls in Expressing Gratitude and Appreciation

At this point, you have seen some of the benefits of gratitude and appreciation in community life, and learned some practical ways to create and apply those benefits in your own work, so that you can improve the process and the outcomes of community building.

The path to application, though, is not always easy. A community worker might not initially think that there are challenges associated with such positive qualities as gratitude and appreciation. But in fact there are quite a few, relating both to expressing and receiving each of these qualities. We’ll start with expression.

Although expressing gratitude and appreciation is almost always positive and useful, in some situations this might not be the best choice at a particular moment. The Greater Good Science Center in Berkeley, California, offers some examples:

• Trying too hard to be grateful. While setting an intention to be grateful is important, spending too much time creating gratitude lists and counting the appreciation you have shown others can be overwhelming, and may leave you feeling less grateful rather than more. (This and other bulleted examples below apply equally to gratitude and to appreciation.)
• Focusing on feeling grateful for someone or something that isn’t worthy. Don’t allow your efforts to be grateful to cause you to stay in an unhealthy or abusive environment. It may be true that you can learn from those who oppose you, or don’t like you, or make your life difficult in some way. And you can certainly treat those people with kindness and respect. But that doesn’t mean you should continue to express gratitude or appreciation toward them, or continue to stay in an unpleasant or unhealthy environment.
  If you are always being criticized or disregarded, and never valued or supported, gratitude does not work. Sometimes, it is better simply to leave a situation that continues to be negative or unrewarding.
• Using gratitude to avoid a serious problem. Being grateful is intended to help you focus on what is important; but if significant issues need to be addressed – about yourself, about someone else, or about your program or the larger community – ignoring them by focusing on what you are grateful for or appreciate will only bring temporary relief. In this type of situation, expressing your honest feelings clearly, possibly including negative emotions such as anger, may be the better choice, so that the issue can be squarely faced and resolved. Setting appropriate boundaries may be helpful as well.
• Downplaying your own successes through excessive gratitude. If you tend to thank everyone else and ignore your own hard work and talent on a regular basis, you may be hiding low self-esteem behind your gratitude. The fact is, though, that success and gratitude can go together. You can express gratitude AND take appropriate credit for your own successes.
• Mistaking gratitude for indebtedness. There is an important difference between sincerely feeling gratitude and appreciation for something or someone, compared to believing that you must repay a debt or remove the weight of an obligation. If someone has helped you out, it’s natural to want to return the favor, or to believe you have to. But neither are the same as feeling gratitude toward the other person.
  In the long run, it’s best to reflect, and be as clear and direct as possible about your own motivations. Are you sincerely feeling gratitude toward someone, or rather creating a strategy to benefit you personally?
• Making sufficient space and time to build relationships. One of the biggest challenges to creating a culture of gratitude and appreciation in an organization, or in one’s personal life, is that both qualities require time, space, and priority of care – enough so that they can operate effectively. Without making sufficient time and energy available for mutual relationship building, and listening and learning from each other, all the gratitude and appreciation in the world will not nourish the foundation of relationship; it won’t take hold.
• Overemphasizing, On the other hand, insisting on constant expressions of gratitude and appreciation is overly simplistic and counter-productive. At times, it is possible to place too much importance on gratitude and appreciation, and not enough time on project constraints, or deliverables. Building community is a multi-faceted, multi-layered process – which means that gratitude and appreciation must be woven together and balanced thoughtfully with all the other actions a group or organization must undertake. This is an ongoing challenge!
• Sticking to the mission. Imagine, though, an organization that does give sufficient space and time to gratitude and appreciation, without overemphasizing them, as noted above. Can it do so while also entertaining change and being open to many new possibilities and priorities, all at once?
  That may be difficult, for in order for an organization to prosper and grow, it must stay connected to its roots and purpose in community. Stakeholders may express thanks and appreciation for benefits in hundreds of ways, but the organization or program itself needs to stay anchored to its own mission.
  So if an organization, now newly fueled by gratitude and appreciation, becomes the steward of new, robust, and expanding relationships, is it ready for this increase in scope and responsibility? Does the organization have the resources to care for and respond to this enriched opportunity? Will it remain able to honor and support its current and emerging commitments, its core values and operations? How can the organization welcome change, and the expansion that accompanies it, without compromising or losing itself? These can all be difficult challenges, all the more potent because they are often unanticipated.
• Being authentic. Finally, there is a need to be authentic when expressing these qualities. Yet what if you are not feeling either gratitude or appreciation – or, to be direct, what if someone does not deserve gratitude or appreciation, from your point of view?
  Not all people, and not all actions, are worthy of gratitude and appreciation all the time. If we become a gratitude and appreciation generating machine, we risk being perceived as superficial and losing our credibility. And properly so. Expressing gratitude and appreciation must be undertaken while also being true to oneself.
  But how can one know whether or not a particular expression of gratitude or appreciation is authentic? The difference is often subtle. Perhaps one key criterion is whether the expression feels authentic to the person expressing it – whether it is experienced as natural rather than manipulative or forced. If so, the distinction depends on what the person honestly feels internally.

Can Gratitude Be Subversive?

One more thought to add to the list above: Let’s assume that an organization is awash in gratitude and appreciation. What a wonderful and very fortunate organization, one might say.

However, this organization may now face big challenges. That is because gratitude can be subversive, for it affirms and validates the importance of our connections to one another, often across organizational lines. Gratitude and appreciation do not necessarily follow official rules, or authority-based protocols. Where policies or power stand in the way, gratitude jumps the fence. It can expose hypocrisy. Established hierarchies may be confronted by people’s unbridled expressions of heart-felt appreciation in ways that are unanticipated.

Not all organizations take kindly to such pressures, or to their hierarchies being challenged; nor may they wish to provide an unfettered welcome to everyone. Sometimes organizations don’t want it publicly known what the light of gratitude is shining upon.

For example, an organization wanting to cut a particular program may not wish to highlight all the wonderful things that program has created. Similarly, for an organization seeking to down-size in staff or other public resources, or one planning to close a particular community center, outpourings of gratitude may not be particularly welcome. Another example may be when a staff member goes out of the way to meet the needs of a community member, in a manner falling outside of official administrative or professional guidelines. Shining a big light on what was thought to be a generous, positive, or effective gesture could possibly lead to professional reprimands.

In this sense, have you ever experienced how publicly expressed gratitude may be seen as an obstacle rather than an asset?

Potential Pitfalls in Receiving Gratitude and Appreciation

Our comments so far have focused on pitfalls in the expression of gratitude and appreciation. But another category of pitfall deserves equal mention. This focuses on when we are the recipients of gratitude or appreciation, and the impact that has upon us. Consider the points below:

• Receiving praise can make people feel uncomfortable. Have you ever felt yourself “expanding” or feeling “lifted-up” due to someone sharing their gratitude for your work? How did you like it? Maybe you felt wonderful. But perhaps instead (or in addition) you felt uncomfortable, and wanted to play down the appreciation that was coming your way.
  Feeling uncomfortable as a result of gratitude or appreciation is very common, especially when the display of gratitude or appreciation is large or public. Often we have to learn to receive thanks, as well as to give it. It’s worth remembering that someone has to receive gratitude, otherwise it is impossible to share. Just as a party must have hosts and guests, gratitude and appreciation must have receivers as well as givers.
• Receiving recognition can reduce objectivity. This is a particularly important consideration for community builders and others involved in volunteer or community organizations, for they are often more motivated by the wish to make a positive impact on the community than by personal social status or financial gain.
  The reality in most nonprofit or community-focused organizations, though, is that gratitude for our efforts may be the only “payment” we receive. And so the experience of receiving appreciation for a job well done can reduce our objectivity, especially when we are devoting significant time and effort to the work for which we are being appreciated.
  That is, it’s harder to be critical of a person or group that continually sings your praises, and keeps telling you how wonderful and helpful you are. It seems ungracious, unjust, unfair. And so it’s easier to minimize the program flaws you may be seeing, or simply not see them at all. We may try to remain objective, but we are swayed by social reinforcement. We are human. And as humans, gratitude and appreciation can distort our judgment.
• Receiving acknowledgement can be a distraction. Challenging situations can also arise if we are not careful, especially when we develop personal relationships with the recipients of our efforts. It is possible for the gratitude we receive to distract us from the real purpose of our actions, over and above the objectivity needed to focus on what is truly in the best interest of those we wish to help or serve.

Here’s a revealing story illustrating this point, as told by our co- author, Mary Ella:

“I helped start a small Seattle-based nonprofit organization called Global Citizen Journey, which sponsored several volunteer groups from the United States to visit struggling regions in other parts of the world. Our purpose was to create a deeper understanding of areas not normally visited by Westerners, and to create long-lasting relationships with individuals from those countries.

“We chose to journey first to the Niger Delta of Nigeria, a region experiencing massive environmental and economic suffering. Twenty of us joined up to spend three weeks traveling through the Niger Delta, including ten days in a remote village in a swampy area surrounded by oil wells and gas flares.

“Part of our approach was to identify and facilitate a service project in collaboration with the community where we were staying, in order to develop deeper relationships and to ensure our visit would leave behind something of value. We suggested planting trees or teaching skills to the village women, but the local school teacher on the planning committee suggested instead that we build a library! This was a much bigger service project than we had imagined; but when we learned that the nearest library was 100 km away – essentially impossible to reach for children whose only means of transportation was a canoe – we were inspired to raise serious money and make the library happen.

“The fact that the idea had been initiated by someone from the community – together with the overwhelming enthusiasm and appreciation exhibited by the local planning committee – caused us to feel we must have found just the right project, and that further due diligence was unnecessary before finalizing our decision. We hired local people to begin the building process in advance, so that by the time our group arrived all that remained to complete the project was painting, landscaping, and organizing the 20 suitcases of books we brought with us as the first donations to the library.

“At the ceremonies on opening day, the gratitude and appreciation we received from the community residents, the federal and regional leaders, and the Nigerian media will forever be memorable. It made all the thousands of hours of fundraising, library design, and collaboration worthwhile.

“And yet … we slowly came to realize that our purpose and process had become fogged and distracted by the overwhelming appreciation and publicity we had received. It turned out there were many problems with the project: The community didn’t really understand what it would take to sustain a library; the teachers did not know how to integrate the library resources into the curriculum for their students; many of the books we brought were culturally inappropriate; and the state government withdrew financial support when new politicians came into office.

“In addition, while we had envisioned the library as a regional resource, its location far from the shoreline made it difficult for individuals from other neighboring ethnic groups (who had been in conflict with each other a few years earlier) to feel safe visiting a facility so far inland. Other issues arose over time, and sadly the library is now locked up and only occasionally used.

“Not only was the library we built not a success, but regretfully it actually created financial and political tensions in the community. How could all this effort have gone so wrong?

“We had relied on the positive feedback and appreciation we received as the primary indicator that we were on the right track – when in retrospect it is clear that the appreciation we received was not because the library was just the right project, but because any attention offered to this deeply neglected region would have been greatly appreciated. The village residents didn’t really understand the long-term implications of building the kind of library we gave them, nor did we understand their context well enough to be sure what they were asking for would be truly helpful.”

The potential for gratitude or appreciation to be a distraction exists whether we are working on behalf of individuals on the other side of the globe or in our own communities. We must not allow anyone’s appreciation of us to lessen the need for taking an objective and broadly participatory approach to determining how best to help – and measuring the results of those efforts.

One last important pitfall is also illustrated by the story above, which relates both to expressing and receiving gratitude and appreciation. It’s a key lesson:

• The cultural context may not be understood. When working with people from another community or culture, it is essential to take time to learn as much as possible about their cultural context, in order to best understand our communications with each other. In addition, it’s important to be aware that different cultures express and receive gratitude and appreciation in different ways, and that the desired result will not be achieved if appreciation is not delivered in a culturally sensitive manner.
  Many Western cultures, for instance, place great value on public recognition as a way of showing gratitude and appreciation; this section has provided a number of examples of how to do that. However, in some cultures and contexts – some indigenous and Asian cultures, for example – public expressions of praise and gratitude are considered embarrassing and impolite, especially when others are present. In those cultures, a preferred approach for delivering praise to an individual for a job well done is simply to express thanks, or to ask the person to continue making their contribution as they have been doing.
  Likewise, cultural sensitivity is needed when bestowing praise on a group or team. When diverse individuals are working together in teams, the assumption is that all members of the team are providing their best efforts, and thus should share equally in the results of those efforts. In these situations, singling out individuals for recognition could be particularly inappropriate, unless there are exceptional circumstances. This issue is also worth considering whenever teams are closely working together and creating a joint product, whether or not multiple cultures are involved.
  The main message here is simple but also fundamental: It is necessary to give careful thought to the cultural and organizational context – and to the needs and interests of others – whenever one wants to publicly show gratitude and appreciation.

We hope the discussion under this heading has highlighted some of the many challenges linked with expressing and receiving gratitude and appreciation. In truth, however, these challenges are a natural part of community work. We act based upon our emotions and feelings, not just upon our logical minds. Human nature is complex; and human beings are multi-dimensional!

Conclusion

It’s reassuring to note that during these times of deep social, economic, and technological transition, we can freely draw upon the power of something as ancient and elemental, as accessible and portable, as gratitude and appreciation. Practices of gratitude and appreciation offer inner strength, grace, and guidance; they enrich how and why we come together in community. Like plump seeds with crisp and greening sprouts, gratitude and appreciation can feed and sustain the tender building of our community relationships.

And in this fast-moving age, when the intensity and strife of the world can seem overwhelming and so close at hand, gratitude and appreciation are especially fortifying and life-affirming. They are as basic as one person recognizing the efforts of another, or as one person radiating their open and whole-hearted connection first into themselves, and then out into the world around them.

As we experience political upheavals, economic uncertainties, and environmental challenges, gratitude and appreciation magnify and amplify the path before us. They shine a light onto our present and future opportunities as interdependent beings. In times of crisis, transition, or apparent chaos, gratitude and appreciation can help us ground and center ourselves, serving as a counter-balance to immobility, or feeling overwhelmed. Our actions of gratitude and appreciation bring us into connections with others and into active, purposeful service. They help us, and those around us, strengthen the community ties that are so essential to our well-being.

In this section, we have tried to show how you, as a community builder, can draw upon and utilize these powerful spiritual qualities to advance your own community goals. What practices of gratitude or appreciation have been successful for you? How might you share gratitude and appreciation in your own community building work? We encourage you to reflect upon and answer these questions for yourself, and then take the next steps forward.

 

Contributors

Suzanne B. Hale

Mary Ella Keblusek

Editor

Bill Berkowitz

Suzanne B. Hale is a community-based educator with over 20 years’ experience working in northern British Columbia, Yukon, Ontario, and Quebec. Curious by nature, she enjoys the process of discovery, art making, and community building.

Mary Ella Keblusek enjoys weaving networks that empower people to focus on the critical issues of our time. She holds an MA from Saint Paul University in Ottawa, Ontario, and a Master of International Service from American University in Washington D.C. She has worked with several international nonprofits – including Initiatives of Change, Charter for Compassion, and the Giraffe Heroes Project – as well as serving as Vice President / General Manager of a Fortune 300 consulting and financial services corporation.

Tool #1: Appreciative Inquiry

Appreciative Inquiry (or AI) is a participatory strategy where large numbers of people – citizens, employees, stakeholders, or sometimes entire organizations – are asked very specific questions. People come together to answer these questions by sharing their personal stories and values about what they appreciate within their workplace or community. The resulting heartfelt conversations and sharing of stories are used to guide, inform, and create improvements and new directions for the group to pursue.

Some examples: showing gratitude or appreciation to a team of family caregivers, to members of a youth basketball team, to an organization excelling in community service, to neighbors who have beautified a public park, or to businesses that have sponsored community events. Wherever change or innovation is called for, an Appreciative Inquiry strategy can apply.

A fundamental principle of Appreciative Inquiry is that building upon what is already working, and asking direct questions about what people appreciate, fuels constructive change. The momentum for change comes about through affirmative communications that create positive emotion, social bonding, and program momentum.

By offering stakeholders a direct role and an influential voice to “dream and design,” Appreciative Inquiry builds upon the informed and sustained vision, experience, and commitment of its members. This support and engagement is particularly important during times of change, crisis, or vulnerability. Appreciative Inquiry, both because of its participatory nature and because of its consistent focus on what is beneficial and worthwhile, is particularly effective at guiding and creating positive, sustainable results.

This approach stands in contrast to “problem solving,” where groups are invited to explore the nature of problems, and to solve them. Appreciative Inquiry does not elaborate upon problems, or what is wrong – instead, it elaborates, appreciates, and invokes positive action, seeking to build forward, towards the good. (For an in-depth look, visit this Appreciative Inquiry link at AI Commons.)

Tool #2: Appreciative Assessment

Appreciative Assessment (or AA) is another capacity-building strategy built upon appreciation. In using it, appreciation is directed toward the skills one has, as well as the skills that one is developing. During the Appreciative Assessment process, learners are taught, guided, and challenged to appreciate the growth and application of their own skills. Using AA to bridge a personal strength into a new area of learning creates momentum and confidence. In this way, AA shines a light on the present abilities and emerging future capacities of its students.

As one case in point, Mary-Anne Neal,  an Associate Faculty member of Royal Roads University in Victoria, British Columbia, teaches school principals to use AA. She has created a table, below, which offers clear examples of the language of Appreciative Assessment.

Some Examples of Appreciative Assessment in Action

Can you see how the questions in the table can initiate discussion and validate a student’s learning experience? They open a discussion, rather than closing one down in the name of exclusive authority. Actually, Appreciative Assessment shares the authority of learning, allowing self-assessment and the self-awareness of the learners themselves, to guide and nourish their learning process.

Students, or any community learners, also benefit from ongoing feedback about their learning. Here are some examples of techniques through which students can start to recognize and build their own skills:

• Projects
• Self- and peer assessments
• Portfolios
• Holistic rating scales
• Observations
• Student-composed questions

By incorporating some of these examples, teachers may benefit from using Appreciative Assessment in training and capacity development. Learners can come to see themselves as strong, capable, and independent. This can be especially useful for people of any age, who may have experienced consistent barriers to education.

Ultimately, when learners and community members see themselves and their evolving skills with appreciation, then levels of confidence, engagement, motivation, and achievement are enhanced. This is essential for independent learning and thinking. In addition, with an appreciative assessment of their own skills, learners are able to enrich their productivity. In this way, AA enlivens participation, and enthusiasm within community, both of which are likely to lead to greater accomplishment.

Or as Mary-Ann Neal concludes: “Appreciative assessment reaffirms the power of relationships to motivate, inspire, and ignite passion for learning. It facilitates authentic dialogue between teacher and learner, thus engaging the student, strengthening the learning experience, and perhaps illuminating otherwise overlooked aptitudes.”

(Please see this Appreciative Assessment link for a longer article with more strategies and information.)

Tool #3: 90-Day Gratitude Journal

The 90-Day Gratitude Journal is a tool to help individuals build a gratitude habit in their daily lives. Gratitude habits have been shown to increase happiness, self-esteem, and help individuals conquer personal challenges. This document walks through a step-by-step approach to build a habit of gratitude journaling for at least 90 days.

 

This and other sections in the Tool Box chapter on Spirituality and Community Building (Chapter 28) have been written with the support and contributions of experts connected with the Charter for Compassion. For more information about the Charter and its work, visit www.charterforcompassion.org.

“It is a sword that heals.”

Dr. Martin Luther King promoted nonviolent action as a powerful and just weapon, which cuts without wounding and ennobles those who wield it to enact mercy.

Mercy is our most powerful weapon for peace and justice.

 

This Community Tool Box section about mercy draws from science and academia, inspiring role models, cultural wisdom traditions, the arts, and our experiences as an interfaith minister and holistic physician active in the compassion movement. The authors write this section using the first person plural, including ourselves in all humanity. We mean to invite readers to consider the concept of mercy as though reading through our collective human vision. “We,” “our,” and “us” are chosen to remind readers that we all have the capacity as humans, separately as well as together, to recognize needs and act with compassion.

We dedicate this writing to the many hardworking people in community who are inspired to act from compassion.

Introduction

Mercy is a natural human quality that is highly relevant to our lives and community work. It is a practical and effective way to relate to one another toward alleviating pain, with peace and justice. The conscious welcoming of mercy arises from within ourselves and reaches other people as practical, useful actions that relieve suffering. We apply the virtues of mercy in our community-building work and in our daily lives by seeking to understand, having compassion, and directing our actions to serve others as best we can.

Mercy is a human capacity to access understanding from opposite perspectives, feel both forgiveness and remorse, and move with the urge to relieve pain.

Mercy Is Practical

Mercy is about making right from wrong and fixing problems to the benefit of everyone involved. In any situation, especially when people have been or are being injured, we offer tools and skills to improve chances for a merciful outcome. This section is full of practical tips to seek and attain mercy, wherever we are, through understanding, forgiveness, and accountability.

Mercy Is a Powerful Framework for Change

“Nothing can make injustice just but mercy.”

— Robert Frost

Rather than a way to win a battle, mercy is a voice of reason that speaks for everyone involved. The persuasion of mercy is fair because it includes all perspectives. Beyond legal protocol, debate systems, prison, or physical punishment, as criminal justice attorney Bryan Stevenson points out, mercy is the answer to injustice. Mercy helps us find equitable solutions that are “just” by solving the problems without punishment. Merciful actions, such as restorative justice, are often surprising, usually healing, and sometimes apparently miraculous.

The concept of mercy is on a cultural rise, with Google Trends citing a steady increase in interest, and with popularity spikes related to films and stories with mercy in their titles. As we collectively reintroduce this term into public discourse, this section seeks to answer what mercy means in present times. While novelists, activists, and spiritual guides express their own interpretations, here we focus on practical skills to bring about mercy as compassion in action.

We believe that mercy is not just a practical virtue for ourselves and for community building, but is our most powerful weapon for peace and justice.

Our section is divided into three parts:

• Part I: Welcome Mercy defines the term, describes its roots, purpose, and shows how to welcome the three key virtues: understanding, forgiveness, and accountability.
• Part II: Expand Capacities suggests mind, body, and behavioral practices to expand the three key virtues into our homes and communities.
• Part III: Merciful Communication Methods introduces ways to communicate that tend to provide a merciful process for ourselves, and for others in a wide variety of group and community settings.

Part I: Welcome Mercy

Benefits of Welcoming Mercy

This part of our section is designed to help the reader internalize the virtues of mercy and create habits at home which can then carry mercy out into the community. Merciful practice helps build a foundation to:

• Experience greater compassion and other virtues in our lives
• Speak with authenticity and garner respect
• Build trust; form and solidify relationships
• Reduce conflict by offering alternatives to violent behavior
• Recognize and take responsibility for our own mistakes
• Forgive ourselves and others for doing harm
• Honor human needs respecting different boundaries
• Facilitate understanding and meaningful connections
• Create environments where mistakes can lead to reconciliation
• Empower others with practical tools to share mercy
• Confirm responsibilities for accountable next steps

The Roots of Mercy

“Taoism and Confucianism in China, monotheism in Israel, Hinduism, Buddhism, and Jainism in India, and Greek rationalism in Europe—began with a recoil from violence, with looking into the heart to find the sources of violence in the human psyche.”

— Karen Armstrong

Throughout human history, religion has conveyed a sense of mercy, and congregational generosity has met many human needs. Though religions have justified merciless conduct, nowhere else but in scriptural writings do we find the ideals of mercy so explicitly discussed. Mercy is embedded in all faiths; even when God may be frightening, mercy is still portrayed as divine relief. Yet the call to do good for others is a common human bond, and mercy is the core of a healthy civil society.

Common Definition

The Oxford Advanced Learner’s Dictionary calls mercy “a kind or forgiving attitude towards somebody that you have the power to harm or right to punish.” Mercy is “a blessing that is an act of divine favor or compassion.”

The Purpose of Mercy

Mercy is an action that heals and prevents pain, especially appropriate when coming to the rescue of someone in need of relief and reliant on others for it. Mercy is absent in the all-too-common tragedy when those capable of easing pain choose instead to respond with negligence or violence. This is when, in community, those who are able to respond with mercy may resolve problems inherited from those who had failed to act with compassion.

The Three Virtues of Mercy

There is no prescription to guarantee a merciful outcome, and often there is no logic or reason for its appearance. Mercy may come without bidding, and progress without any recognized process. But when wrongdoing persists, we may increase our chances of merciful results by taking action based upon three fundamental virtues:

• Understanding
• Forgiveness
• Accountability

Understanding is the grist for justice, forgiveness is the love for people, and accountability is the substance of reconciliation. With head, heart, and hands aligned for doing good, mercy integrates these virtues and gives us the momentum to move from wrong to right, and let justice unfold peacefully.

 

Mercy is compassion in action.

 

1. Welcome Understanding

“The noblest pleasure is the joy of understanding.”

— Leonardo da Vinci

Understanding is often the first step toward righting wrongs. Merciful understanding includes all relevant perspectives. Understanding others, however, does not mean agreement, condoning behavior, nor neglecting harm done.

Conflicts thrive on confusion of facts, motives, and judgments. Merciful techniques unravel this distress by welcoming contradictory facts, conclusions, and uncomfortable feelings within the umbrella of inclusivity. The wisdom of integrating seemingly incongruent information is consistent with Ken Wilber’s Integral Theory, which reconciles the common but confusing observation that people see reality differently.

Each of us is at different stages and levels of development. No matter our differences, when we confront basic human needs – from a position of equal influence as to outcomes – we usually agree on commonalities. Non-hierarchical inclusive leadership is one of the messages of Mirabai Starr’s “Wild Mercy.” Pulling from disparate faiths, Starr reassures her readers that everybody has something to bring to the table. There is a recognition that not only are we all connected, but that ambiguity and unpredictable contradictions are replacing “black-and white answers and fill-in-the blanks with these, [your own], beliefs.”

Misunderstanding, whether from ignorance or intellectual dishonesty, is dangerous and self-perpetuating. The playwright Tennessee Williams wrote that “hate is a feeling that can only exist where there is no understanding.” When information results in hatred, then it is likely that other perspectives are not represented, or represented incompletely.

Understanding that forwards the desires of only one group challenges the rest of us to think again. Emma Goldman, the famous utopian social activist, blamed the cruelty of ignorance, which “misunderstands always, condemns always.” People blame those who are victims of desperation for their crimes without understanding the causes of despair. A healthy economic and social environment, Goldman wrote, and “above all, a deep understanding for the needs of the child… would destroy the cruel, unjust, and criminal stigma imposed on the innocent young” who are born into poverty.

The processes of sifting through contradictions and human failings may be time-consuming and difficult, yet are likely critical steps in the unfolding of mercy. The dawning of knowledge itself is powerful and joyful. Understanding is a rewarding virtue which is often the first step in righting wrongs.

2. Welcome Forgiveness

When a wrong has been committed, forgiveness is often the central process motivating merciful action. Whether experienced as internal emotional shifts, or as part of legal and reconciliation proceedings, forgiveness unravels intangible entanglements that tend to perpetuate conflict. As with understanding, forgiveness does not mean agreement with or condoning inappropriate behavior, nor neglecting whatever harm had been done. Forgiveness is the conviction that the injury is behind us, no longer continuing or recurring. A merciful process seeks to resolve the wrong for those who suffered injury and also to heal, if able, those who caused injury.

Forgiveness is natural, usually automatic, process that we all experience on a regular basis, simply because life is full of human errors. Hannah Arendt wrote that without forgiveness we would be continually paying off each old mistake, and we would “remain victims of its consequences forever, like ‘the sorcerer's apprentice’ who lacked the magic formula to break the spell.”

Forgiveness can feel like heavy lifting, as both forgivers and forgiven give up whatever comfort we had gained to let go of self-righteousness. But once we change our attitudes, our receptivity changes; we have room for softening, and for letting feelings come through.

3. Welcome Accountability

“Accountability is the glue that bonds commitment to results.”

— Will Craig, Living the Hero’s Journey

Accountability is the action step that brings mercy to life. Whether in law, religion, fairy tales, or when begging, mercy goes beyond an inner sense of virtue to be the outward expression of our virtuous selves. Mirabai Starr notes that, while compassion “carries a quality of equanimity,” mercy “carries the quality of aliveness” that lights compassion on fire.

Though they are helpful, compassionate understanding and warm feelings are neither always necessary nor sufficient for a merciful deed to be done. It is rather the merit of the deed done, and not the sense of feelings of love, compassion, or righteousness, that validates an action as merciful. Intentional generosity on behalf of a person suffering isn’t mercy if it doesn’t relieve suffering. Beyond its precision, merciful behavior typically serves the needs of the moment in a way that takes into account what is seemingly good for everybody.

While personal feelings of understanding and forgiveness are often the spark for mercy, the “melting action of mercy” arises with action. It is compassionate action that distinguishes mercy as a virtue beyond compassionate thoughts or words that don’t respond to real needs being met. Sometimes words, acknowledgements of suffering, and sincere apologies are enough to resolve ill will; and in community restorative justice situations, mercy looks like the raising of people from their knees as criminals and outcasts to their feet as community members. Such truth and reconciliation may also bring relief from national and international suffering. The difference that mercy brings is our own human natural kindly way of behaving that is, at least our potential, if not our calling.

The Spiral of Mercy

The three virtues of mercy, especially as we expand our practices, potentially include more people and more complex issues, reflecting an upward spiral of merciful outcomes.

The Upward Spiral of Mercy

Part II: Expand Capacities

Having introduced the concept of mercy, with its qualities and benefits, we now take a look both at ourselves and others, in order to expand our awareness into greater capacities for mercy in our personal and community lives. Some of us think our own emotional shells are invisible, or impenetrable, or that all this “sentimentality” is irrelevant to real life. Yet mercy may emerge even when hearts are initially closed to tenderness and care.

Mercy Is a Human Virtue, Available to All

“Our prime purpose in life is to help others.”

— The Dalai Lama

Mercy is a natural human attribute, despite its rare acknowledgment. Humans commonly act empathically, from information garnered largely without verbal communication. We are literally wired to recognize the inner life of another person. For example, Dr. Giacomo Rizzolatti discovered “mirror neurons” in the human cortex which become active when we see someone else perform a physical action – as though it were our own motor nerves. Hatred, Rizzolatti believed, is learned behavior that holds us back from being habitually kind.

Dr. David Hamilton summarizes more recent evidence that human beings are wired for kindness because our compassionate acts have practical benefits. Kind actions protect against heart attacks and strokes, boost the immune system, and increase the duration of marriages.

Central to all major world religions and secular moral codes across cultures, mercy is universal. For those pursuing a virtuous life, mercy is the human choice for meeting needs. Though mercy is a core teaching of major world religions, religion is not necessary for mercy to flow. How we find a place for acting with honor, despite overwhelming emotions and life transitions, is personal. Though intertwined with religions, mercy is not beholden to any one in particular. It is action that reveals understanding and forgiveness, ever deepening as accountability unfolds.

Mary Johnson adopted Oshea Israel as her “spiritual son” – a young man who had, when he was 16 years old, murdered Mary’s only biologic son, then only 20. Mary thanks her Christian faith, and a poem about the commonality of pain, for urging her to reach out to Oshea in prison, in hopes of connection. Oshea attributes his response to her as the result of an internal process, “I was in a better place to hold myself accountable.”

 

Rukiye Abdul, in another court of law, after hearing two young men plead guilty to being the killers of her son, she stood up. Hugging the two teenagers, she said, “I don’t hate you. I can’t hate you. It’s not our way. Showing rahmah, mercy, that is our way.”

This demonstration of Muslim behavior could also be called Christian. Examples of diverse peoples acting nobly underscore the universality of our human capacity for merciful behavior.

 

 

Expand Our Capacity to Understand

In any condition that mercy would rectify, whether in need or able to help, mutual understanding arrives by eliciting the comfort needed for anyone to share their truths or receive information with equanimity. The key mental states to engender understanding are listed here, all of which are enhanced by “mindfulness” practices such as meditation or contemplation. By regularly anchoring the calm and goodwill of a chosen practice discipline, our mind expands its capacity for understanding. An open mind hears and accepts feedback.

Most Important: Listen Carefully

Listening well uses all senses. To do so, empty our heads, smooth our brows, and lean in slightly with uncrossed limbs and full attention. Nonviolent communication and all of the protocols shown in Part III can guide our steps, but will fail to lead us to mercy unless we ourselves are prepared to offer the comfort of understanding. We relay understanding mostly by wordless recognition of the other as deserving of respect, with a posture and attitude of caring to hear what they mean to express. Listen for voices which cannot, for whatever reason, be heard, starting with those in the room, then in community and elsewhere.

Quiet Our Minds

Mindfulness practices, originating from many cultures and religious traditions, are popular and powerful for the cultivation of compassion, which warms our desire to act with mercy. Mindfulness helps us focus on the present moment and reduces self-judgment and reactivity. Regular mindfulness practice increases our sense of concern for others, our ability to handle stress, and helps us think more clearly. Such clarity helps us perceive needs that appear as “off-putting” behavior of others, and design creative ways to solve problems.

See with Listening Eyes

“One sees rightly only with the heart, the essential is invisible to the eyes.”

— Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

Broaden our sights to include others’ perspectives by releasing the hold our own thoughts have on us, readying us for new information. Rather than asking questions about others, let people speak for themselves and notice their expressions and gestures as they bring new understanding of the human condition which is unique to each life.

Attend to Nonverbal Communication

What constitutes a respectful speaking distance, how we meet gazes, postures we strike, and gestures we use all have some cultural variability; however the following behaviors tend to communicate open listening:

• Relax body and mind.
• Balance and be still.
• Breathe calmly and slowly.
• Face one another with uncrossed limbs.
• Turn our eyes slightly down at times.
• Tilt an ear forward.
• Check eye contact occasionally, especially at poignant moments.
• Sense an interpersonal connection.

Question Our Conclusions

Thoughts set the defining direction for our actions, which then define us to each other – and to ourselves. Evaluating our thoughts before acting is the key to personal growth. It is sometimes helpful to consider the kind of thought we are thinking, and how its message serves us and others.

Byron Katie developed a system for rational thinking that she calls, “The Work,” using four questions to open the possibility of freeing our minds from negativity:

1. Is it true? (Yes or no. If no, move to # 3.)
2. Can I absolutely know that it's true? (Yes or No.)
3. How do I react? What happens when I believe that thought?
4. Who would I be without the thought?

What Katie calls a “turn-around” is toggling among contrasting meanings of words and phrases to find alternative “truths. For example, “He doesn’t care about me” can turn around to become each of the following, all with some degree of influence:

• “He cares about me.”
• “We care about each other.”
• “I don’t care about him.”
• “We don’t care about each other.”

This simple substitution of one potential reality for another might elicit different thoughts that help us interrupt our habitual reactions. Ridiculous turnarounds, like the last two examples, help us see where we exaggerate.

Toggle Other Perspectives

Mental flexibility is the capacity to view things from different perspectives, which broadens the reach of comprehension. Diversity of thinking informs diversity of actions toward merciful outcomes. Whether our understanding derives from comprehending root issues, learning different facts, recognizing common needs, or even suddenly noticing the humanity of another person – any one attitudinal switch can change how we view an entire situation. The more people we consider, each with varied influences on their perspectives, the more we comprehend a situation to develop remedies.

Choose Words Carefully

We are each responsible for our messages, unspoken and spoken, to oneself and others, as words can set off emotional responses and are often the pivotal act to welcome or reject mercy. Below is a list of what to avoid when communicating with people – there are more powerful ways to get a point across. More specific communication methods are outlined in Part III.

Merciful behavior is creative, not prescriptive, so the list of behaviors to avoid is basic. By keeping within these bounds we maintain clarity to understand, forgive, and make plans with people. Don’t critique or blame people; there are more effective ways to meet needs.

• Don’t talk until others are ready to hear, so that you can hear and be heard.
• Don’t label people, to avoid insulting them. Don’t tell people what to think,  how they should be or what to do, in order to avoid trespassing boundaries.
• Don’t assume that we know what’s right and that other people are wrong, so that we can all keep our minds open.
• Don’t call people names or lump them in categories when describing what you experience; that makes it easier to understand, forgive, and resolve if there is a problem.

Take Responsibility for Our Responses

As listeners, we are likewise responsible for our responses to words we hear, regardless of our histories and emotions. Even when the intention to hurt seems clear, a merciful attitude considers that the rationale may be understandable, the person responsible for harm forgivable, and the situation remediable.

Focus on Authenticity

Simply repeating a speaker’s own wording may not reflect compassion or understanding. Instead:

• Encourage people to share their reasoning.
• Consider what it might be like to be in their shoes.
• Float responses gingerly to test people’s reactions.
• Confirm that our understanding rings true for them.
• Respond authentically and transparently to maintain mutual trust.
• Speak for all who may be hurt in the given matter.
• Convey a desire to conclude with understanding and trust.
• Close with subtopics concluded or continued accountably.

Let People Speak Freely

Though we recommend using clear structures to ease complex conversation, methods themselves can sometimes be a form of silencing. Groups can agree to rules, such as no cursing, no violent gestures, or no raised voices; however, when individuals in great distress “act out” – that is, display their despair – merciful systems provide an ally to be with the person in pain. Rather than shut people down, we can recruit members within the same communities to help them reframe expressions. Community workers and allies can track subtopics with accountability and return to them when there is time for attention to the feelings, needs, and full meanings of the expression.

Encourage people to explain from personal experiences so that we experience changing positions. Community workers can create safety for conversations by ensuring that opposing views are respectfully heard and understood, and that values, needs, and feelings are shared.

Expand Our Scope of Understanding

As understanding resolves needless misunderstandings in countless households daily, mutual understanding could resolve today’s problems of global significance. Merciful solutions are inclusive of all people involved, and invite all people to the table with mutual respect. Only when all relevant influences are understood can valid conclusions be drawn and actions decided.

Bring Understanding to the Internet

The Internet has held promise of bringing people together, but current social media actually encourages conflict. Community workers inspired to act with compassion increasingly speak, text, chat, and blog with merciful outcomes in mind. We supplement face-to-face meetings with online communicating to keep interested people informed and involved. We supplement online communication with human kindness face to face.

With online interaction infused with bots, let alone the percentage of malicious bots, as well as uncited, unvetted fake news, the role of human mercy on the Internet is confused due to lack of accountability and unexamined emotional responses and bot triggers. Robots don’t have human needs, so they don’t sense the responsibility inherent in mercy – they aren’t bothered by human suffering. The responsibility rests upon us humans to sway the future toward merciful outcomes.

Expand Our Capacity to Forgive

“Dare to connect with your heart. You will be lifting not only yourself and those you love and care about, but also the world in which you live.”

— Doc Childre, HeartMath Founder

While understanding is predominantly a mental exercise, forgiveness is mostly an emotional experience. Mindfulness exercises, described above, gain power when grounded in the body. A hand on heart or belly when breathing deeply can anchor a calm mind. Whether we talk ourselves into thinking about things differently, or physically release our feelings in order to no longer feel overwhelmed, either action changes the other. To resolve the spiral, we continue to process pain until we have a working plan that serves everyone involved.

Practice Being Present with Our Feelings

“If there is a single definition of healing it is to enter with mercy and awareness those pains, mental and physical, from which we have withdrawn in judgment and dismay.”

— Stephen Levine, A Year to Live: How to Live This Year as if It Were Your Last

Most of our habitual reactions to life’s challenges were formed when we were very young, and are often hidden from our notice. The very patterns we don’t see in our own behavior can annoy us when coming from others; they are like uninvited visitors who act out without asking our permission, or even making any sense. These tendencies happen automatically until we pay attention to defensive patterns that work in the background. This takes insight, and willingness to feel and emote. Forgiving ourselves for patterns we’ve had trouble controlling helps us forgive other people for their hurtful patterns, which they don’t see either!

Allow Emotionality without Judgment

The greatest challenges on the road from conflict to peace and good will are often caused by resistance to personal emotional discomfort, coupled with incriminating thoughts. This is the moment to call upon the gift of our practiced mental and/or physical discipline. Remember the anchor we’ve practiced to encourage our virtuous selves to rise above old thought patterns and enliven positive feelings. This willingness to feel emotions with an open mind initiates a merciful process that can transform agony to relief, from the inside out. These are the moments in which we practice opening our gates to mercy.

Simply by recalling a mindful presence, we create a subtle separateness from conditioned reflexes, and gain an opportunity to experience emotional distress with fluidity in our mental and physical selves. By shining a light on our usual reasoning, we allow new ideas to appear that cushion the process of emotion.

Feeling Is Not Rational

Relinquish the habitual urge to analyze our turbulent internal weather. Imagine letting go of a kite string that is pulling away a storm cloud of old assumptions and bitterness. Our minds and bodies become as a wordless witness to our breathing, as feelings such as grief, fear, shame, and disgust wash through and clean us. The process of releasing habits of mind while withstanding unpleasant sensations takes its own time, and tends to cycle with increasing clarity as each tempest passes.

Start Where You Are

“Start Where You Are” is an invitation to meditation coined by Pema Chodron to awaken the compassionate heart by welcoming the very pain we’d rather deny or suppress. She states, “Forgiveness begins for victims when we embrace the pain and loss. We go straight into those rotting places of shame, guilt, anger, and fear, and question the thoughts that threaten healthy self-identity.”  Emotional releases clear the mind like rainstorms clear the air. As Michael A. Singer puts it in The Untethered Soul, “When you are comfortable with pain passing through you, you will be free.”

Accept Our Unwanted Parts

“Each of us is more than the worst thing we've ever done.”

— Bryan Stevenson

Alan Watts, speaking of the greatest lessons learned from Carl Jung, said that no matter how righteous we may appear to ourselves and in society, each of us has the potential for unmerciful, even cruel, actions. Yet the shadow self is “not as something to be condemned and wailed over but as something to be recognized as contributive to one's greatness and to one's positive aspects in the same way that manure is contributive to the perfume of the rose.” The more we accept our own potential to do harm, the more we expand the capacity to accept harm done and forgive ourselves and others.

Accept Others’ Unwanted Parts

The understanding aspect of mercy includes viewing the issue at hand from all angles. The release of whatever attitude restricts us from recognizing the humanity of someone else is typically an emotional experience. The outcome of considering even unpleasant realities with compassion broadens potentials of new thoughts, feelings, and actions.

For example, when we imagine a wrongdoer being tender to a child or elder, as when a family member demonstrates yet another of many parts, we realize that there is more there than meets the eye. Even when our hearts are infused with rage, when we conjure a sense of humanity for others who have hurt us, we feel the “melting of mercy” that Starr emphasizes. As our realizations affect our feelings, intentionally eliciting a warm feeling can help us realize that harmful deeds are by nature forgivable.

Forgive While Sitting, Walking, Dancing, Praying with Pain

In the moment, breathe slowly and deeply to bring self-healing. Consider something beautiful – real or imaginary, flowing or still. Wrap any uncomfortable sensation in light, sound, energy, prayer, chant, or other sensation of merciful expression. Music, visual art, and dance reflect the tempos and intensities of our feelings and mediate release of painful emotions. Write dreams, poetry, songs, list what we are grateful for; dance, shake, weep freely if so moved.

Discharge Emotion

Harvey Jackins happened upon what later became known as “Co-Counseling” in the process of helping a friend of a friend get over immobilizing depression after World War Two. He and other friends began helping each other release emotional pain and developed a distributed model of self-help, in pairs and groups, called Co-Counseling, or “Re-Evaluation Counseling.” They found that emotional discharge, when allowed a full cycle, has a typical pattern, from grief though fear and anger to boredom and then zest.

Music, video and other forms of art – especially those in which we participate, can mediate emotional expression. Bodywork and reflective movement forms such as yoga can release tension without overt emotional expression. Specific movements and physical exercises are also helpful to open the body to emotional release. Alexander Lowen demonstrated these tools in his 1976 landmark self-help book, Bioenergetics: The Revolutionary Therapy That Uses the Language of the Body to Heal the Problems of the Mind.

The Grounding Posture in Bioenergetics

Accordingly, follow emotional releases with “up and out” activities to bring our attention to the present moment: Center in a grounding pose, drink water, walk in nature, play with an animal, talk to a friend, get some exercise, eat carefully, and then take time to serve the needs of someone else.

Cultivate Forgiveness

Take time to feel each of the numbered sentences following under this heading, and let faces and memories wash through the body. Conceive of issues as clouds blowing away or detritus floating down stream.

 

Ho’oponopono

Ho’oponopono is a Hawaiian phrase that means to “set right what was wrong”; it is a synonym for mercy. The term often refers to the following four-line prayer/poem, but this Hawaiian tradition of healing and peacemaking is practiced in many forms world-wide. It is a concept, method, technique, and way of life that promotes a culture of peace and nonviolence, including counseling, addiction recovery, social activism, and restorative justice practices.

The following Hawaiian phrase was popularized by Dr. Ihaleakala Hew Len, to help process difficult memories and related emotions that may no longer serve us. As we repeat the phrase, we gain understanding as words bring up images from our past, such as faces and events. Emotions flow during the exercise as we adopt responsibility for whatever we experience in ourselves and others, which is cleansing for any parts of our lives, and can be healing to others` lives too.

"I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you."

Practice Forgiveness in All Directions

One variation of a forgiveness exercise seeks to cleanse potential issues from all “directions”; from self to others, others to self, self to self and others all, and each to oneself.

• “I forgive myself for harming myself.”
• “I forgive myself for harming you.”
• “I forgive you for harming yourself.”
• “I forgive you for harming me.”
• “I forgive us all for harming each other.”

We Learn Forgiveness through Pain

Miribai Starr, the author of Wild Mercy, describes the experience of her own daughter’s early death. She noticed, in the throes of her own anguish, “We open and close like an accordion, in the power, the bellows of loss.” It is through the experience of life’s pain that we expand the capacity to soften and open up the hard spots so that forgiveness can flow, and thoughts can shift into action.

Enjoy Release from Pain

Once we learn how to be still with ever more difficult feelings, we anchor our sensibility to weather times of great distress and pain. This practice helps others, too, because people can sense and be comforted by our calm. Once we are not confused, angry, or fearful we can think clearly and understand our situation from different perspectives. Our hearts are softened; we can forgive. We can speak of our needs and boundaries, respect those of others, and figure out what to do next.

Process Again

Emotional processes tend to cycle a few times before release, as layers of feeling are peeled away. Olga Botcharova suggests that we name each of our fears one by one, drawing it into the light for examination. When we are hurt, “We are usually more fearful of the emotions that accompany our fears than of the fears themselves. Through time and courage, what were fatal tragedies become challenges overcome. We reap the benefit of clear thinking and peace about our lives.”

After injury, the realization of loss and its associated panic leads us to a critical decision point: We either feel and express our grief or try to suppress it. When we don’t process the pain, we tend to fall into cycles of asking “Why me?,” and imagining revenge. If this continues, we can fall into imagining “justified” aggression. This then creates further pain, for us to process and resolve.

Be Merciful with Emotions

A merciful approach to emotion lets us express our pain, name our fears, and open our hearts to questions like “Why them?,” which re-humanizes the enemy. From this point, it is far easier to recognize the ease of forgiveness, because we are not blinded by suppressed pain requesting attention. We can nourish a space for both the wrong-doer and the one injured by the deed, when both are seen as fully human. Justice can then take form as people collaborate on a shared future in light of mutual accountability.

Take Cues from Signs of Discomfort

As we become friendlier with our own internal sensations, we become more attuned to, and comfortable with, what other people may be experiencing. Seek out those who need an open heart to listen, and practice compassion – whether that someone is sitting across from the dinner table, riding next to us on a bus, or living deep in a lonely prison. Tuning into others also means attending to nonverbal messages from others throughout the day. Notice when people:

• Change volume or speed of speech
• Shift positions, sink back, or get up to leave or pace
• Bite lips, raise eyebrows, look away, look around or stare
• Take sharp in-breaths, or hold their breath
• Start tapping a finger or foot, or wringing hands
• Cross arms or legs.

These behaviors indicate discomfort that can inform our own responses. When we see agitation arise, we can consciously calm ourselves and call upon merciful tones of voice and choose empathic words. We may offer some comfort, such as, “Is there something you would like to say at this point?,” or, “Would you like to choose an ally to help get your point across?”

Expand Our Scope of Forgiveness

Forgiveness begins as an internal process, and usually bears fruit as it ripens into merciful action. It is important to let communication come to full fruition, especially word-free resonance with another’s experience. People may come forward to speak their minds later, and want to continue subtopics that were postponed, or add new ones. It’s important as well to set up ongoing systems of communication, so that people have a trusted place to “park” concerns that are set aside to process the initial focus. People who could not attend or want to be included in the conversation will bring in larger communities.

Find Each Other for Support

We need each other to access, accept, and transform some hidden pains to clear away unconsciously-driven feelings and reactions. See Part III for Co-Counseling and other resources for mutual support. Introduce family, friends, co-workers, and neighbors to these concepts and methods so that you can better help each other recognize and get through the rough patches.

Stand Ready for Mercy

Our bodies reflect and inform our mental states: We can practice the feeling sense of forgiveness through our own physical presence. We feed back to ourselves and others a softness in relaxed stance and movements. We feel and convey caring with a gentle head-tilt, listening with continuous attention, with intermittent approving gazes. These actions are natural and automatic once we have found compassion, as is an open posture that shows an expectation of mercy that is about to unfold.

With conscious attention to our bodies’ reactions, we orchestrate our otherwise unconscious behaviors. Our breathing, facial expressions, and body posture affect our own sense of how we feel and how open to forgiveness we are; they also emit peaceful “vibes,” to inform others of the potential presence of mercy.

Expand Our Capacity For Accountability

Our daily lives provide the material for practicing the integrity of keeping our word, and making good on our commitments to ourselves and others, including the responsibility we take for our interpersonal behavior, especially when we are in the wrong. Just as when we are injured, we practice applying the balm of forgiveness, so when we trespass on others we practice voicing options to repair damages.

Surprisingly often, people are satisfied with receiving recognition of our pain, and an apology is all that is required to heal a wound and put it in our past. Nonetheless, it is merciful to not just share our regrets but also to offer make whole those who are injured, as well as prevent a similar situation from arising in the future. When restitution is in order, we act to make up time, restore property, or help in some other way.

Account for Our Own Mercy

In the study of mercy, our first subject is our own behavior. Start where we are in our daily lives in relation with our families and friends. Try asking yourself.

Am I Merciful?

• Do I understand and forgive myself and others?
• Do I honor key virtues in myself and others?
• Do I act upon urges to help others?
• Do my deeds bring healthy results for others?
• Do I enjoy the fruits of mercy for myself and others

Take Personal Responsibility as Able

Understanding and forgiveness may offer a set of potential actions, but do not predetermine a specific action, as does a typical criminal justice system. Whether or not we have had a hand in the cause of pain, people who are witnesses and members of community are also affected and can contribute to an accountable process. Bryan Stevenson, social justice attorney, notes that “Simply punishing the broken—walking away from them or hiding them from sight—only ensures that they remain broken and we do, too. There is no wholeness outside of our reciprocal humanity.” We are each responsible for our own actions as an individual, a member of our clan, a worker in community, and, as we can, an active member of our generation.

Merciful action in community blossoms when individuals take responsibility, together, for the effects of our behavior for ourselves and future generations. The potential for individual responsibility in merciful processes continues all the way through fulfillment stages, as accountability is measured by the problem at hand being resolved or resolving as a result of merciful actions. This process humanizes and connects people around wrongdoings to set things right, in ever greater spheres of influence, for ourselves, our people, and ever more people, as we expand our capacities to follow through with responsibilities with accountability.

Serve Others

Mercy for self and others are entwined, so we commonly reap the fruits of mercy for ourselves as we serve others, and vice versa. Ram Dass, author of Be Here Now, demonstrated how service to others is integral to life and love and to relieve our own suffering. Mercy for self is healing for others as well. “To be available for someone else’s suffering you have to be able to acknowledge your own suffering and be able to understand the nature of suffering in such a way that you have converted the quality of suffering in yourself.”

Notice Our Communication Habits

It’s easy to see antagonistic communication in others, but the power to change comes from recognizing these reactions in ourselves and being willing to stop them, even as they are occurring. The table below helps to clarify:

Merciful Communication	Antagonistic Communication
Check in with people to see if it’s a good time for the topic.	Barge in with an urgent demand for attention.
Attend to others thoroughly; insert silence between points to reflect on what the other means to say, or how they feel.	Interrupt, rush, talk over other people; or think about a response before the other is finished.
Respect people as being greater than one or more actions they did or didn’t do.	Label or blame people rather than behaviors and circumstances.
Focus on the moment, except to clarify misunderstandings.	Bring up past offenses.
Uphold equanimity with calm and even tones.	Exaggerate, belittle, mock, fret, and talk a lot.

 

Assess Results of Our Behavior

Unfortunately, our best intentions are often thwarted by unconscious emotional reactivity. Competitive actions tend to trigger more reactions, like a downward spiral, until someone acts to break the cycle. But compassionate actions tend to reverse the direction and help generate an upward spiral.

Interpersonal Approaches and Their Likely Results
Compassionate Actions	Competitive Actions
Understanding	Dismissal and Rejection
Forgiveness	Blame and Guilt
Resolution of Pain	Punishment and Suffering

 

Remorse and promises of abstention often fail to inspire a person to avoid any “bad” habit, both because the habit is addictive and because somehow it helps avoid certain pain, even as it causes other problems and pains. The merciful solution is discovered through finding and resolving pain which otherwise continues to provoke the unwanted behavior.

Be Merciful with Behavior

It’s ideal to keep awareness going all the time to prevent hurtful behavior; but the sooner we realize we are being triggered after the fact, the sooner we can take a merciful approach. A simple “Let’s take a break for a few minutes and reconvene,” may be sufficient for people involved to take account of their behavior. A little distance in time and space helps us remember to be mindful and process emotions to discover more virtuous actions we can take.

Reset Our Approach

If anchoring our personal practice by itself falls short of restoring our urge to act with compassion, it can help to lean on the three steps of mercy, or other ethical lampposts. Merciful behavior echoes the ethical precepts which the Buddha taught that his monks, 2600 years ago, as a central process for growth in their discipline. Practically, this means recognizing and making amends for our transgressions and undertaking future restraint. We are always responsible for our conscious choices.

• Always put ourselves in the other person's place.
• All beings are worthy of respect.
• Regard those who point out our faults as if they were pointing out treasure.
• No higher purposes excuse breaking these basic precepts.

Catch Ourselves before the Act

Our first level of accountability is to what we most control – our own words and actions. Before accusing another of doing wrong, the Buddha recommends asking oneself:

• Am I free from unreconciled offenses of my own?
• Am I motivated by kindness, rather than vengeance?
• Am I clear about our mutual values?

Speak only if the answer is “yes” to all three questions.

Speak only what is true, timely, gentle, to the point, and prompted by kindness.

Move Beyond Feeling Sorry to Making Amends

Apologizing may be integral to a restorative process; however, mercy goes beyond feeling badly about oneself or simply admitting wrongdoing, to making things right all around. The heart of mercy yields to solutions that insofar as possible may restore all parties, heal all wounds, and respect all persons. Mercy includes an action to conclude a harmful process, with a reconciliation that is accountable.

Offer Accountability for Transgressions in Community

Merciful accountability, such as in restorative justice procedures, helps the one responsible for harming others make good on a mistake and offers a clear path for rejoining the community. Processes may involve family, community and institutional structures using accountable ledgers, to assure fair and just restitution.

Stand with Each Other as We Hold Each Other Accountable

Merciful spaces call upon us each to stand with each other when any one or more of us falters. Unlike punitive methods that neglect the needs of those injured, mercy lifts the potential of accountable reconciliation. Unlike punitive methods which dis-empower a wrongdoer from making good, merciful processes create structures within which we can come to terms with the effects of our errors. In punitive environments, humiliation holds us back from assuming ownership of our mistakes. But when fear of punishment is lifted, we tend to acknowledge our own misdeeds and disclose uncomfortable facts, feelings, and thoughts that would typically be withheld, or even be condemning.

Within the safety of mercy, we accept life’s painful lessons and actively transform pain into accountable plans. Again in contrast with punitive methods, with merciful systems we uphold the nobility of people who pronounce self-responsibility and deliver accountable reparations.

Tough Love

Tough love is about holding people accountable, not endorsing punishment. Ted Wachtel, who helped popularize the term, promotes restorative practices to repair interpersonal harm caused by crime. Teaching “you are bad” or “you must suffer,” is counterproductive to changing behavior. Tough love welcomes the deed doer to make good oneself. This paradigm has led to innovation and research integrating merciful practices into the criminal justice system, schools, therapy, work, and home settings.

Balance Responsibilities

Community workers, often caught between awareness of huge human needs and our own human limitations, may find balance in the practice of mercy. Personal boundaries for self-care are not just consistent with, but necessary for bringing mercy to others. Our dedication to service is nuanced with contradictions as we step in and out of seemingly contradictory roles in wildly different contexts, yet impossibly distinct parts of ourselves are all welcomed by merciful reflection.

Admired for extremely light living in the wilderness, Lynx Vilden, who forages for her meals in deerskin clothing she made herself, occasionally hops on an airplane. Vilden’s strenuous lifestyle leaves a tiny footprint that would be perilous for most of us. We each draw our own circles of personal responsibility and choose the measures by which we hold ourselves accountable.

Assess Our Accountability

Our latest generations are commonly faulted by prior generations for lack of responsibility in passing off problems which, for the first time in history, threaten survival of all we know. But not only do young people inherit wreckage they did not cause, those who have been responsible imply that we arrived here as a matter of inevitable chance. This compounds the psychological trauma of their already overwhelming inheritance by psychologically shutting down individual recognition of their own agency. Continued economic norms further disempower youth by teaching that the only way out is the entrepreneurial dream of striking it rich – to be accountable only to self. Mercy, on the other hand, suggests a broader understanding and depth of care as each of us flicker for our time on the planet.

To whom am I accountable and for what?

Who would I be if I were more accountable?

What would I give up to be more accountable now?

Expand Our Scope of Accountability

In a merciful space, we become aware of pain, our own and others’, here and across the globe. We also recognize cultural and intergenerational pain. The burden of unresolved trauma, passed from one generation to the next, as Gabor Maté explains, requires both individual and societal work to arrive at the compassion required to heal on these two levels.

According to the contemporary philosopher Ken Wilber, our personal and cultural maturity evolves through parallel, integral processes, as individuals and groups work through our stages and levels. It is us our responsibility to shift the trends toward a merciful paradigm, starting with ourselves. Tami Ritter, who brought restorative justice to the Chico, California community, personally shared this sentiment with the authors: “The idea of mercy is to be fully restorative. We are all flawed, wounded, and broken in some way. All parties need to be restored, so we extend mercy to ourselves as well – and we acknowledge that.”
Reversing the traps of both personal and cultural trauma-triggered behavior is a primary purpose for bringing mercy into the world. Ideally, face-to-face connections will be bolstered by efforts to bring kind communication to the Internet, to meet people where we can connect – online and offline – with tools that resolve unmet needs with the ongoing accountability of systems promoting real solutions.

Prevent Harm in the Future

Mercy is not simply a matter of leniency, nor a matter of “letting people off the hook.” It is not “turning a blind eye” to violent and hurtful behavior. It is the understanding that punishment is not, at least in the instance at hand, required for justice. The gift of mercy, when accepted by the wrong-doer, takes the place of punishment to re-create wholeness for all involved.

Practice Daily to Build Capacities

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.”

— Max Ehrmann

As a physician and a minister, we humbly acknowledge that mercy can arise spontaneously, as there is no “one-size-fits-all” for peace of mind. Most people seem to find merciful ways through recovery from various traumas. Many find a community of faith or ideology that is prepared to help people process life’s transitions. We find mercy in our own ways, and expand our capacities through disciplines such as meditation, yoga, breath work, contemplation, dance, art, music, insight, bodywork, martial arts, prayer, injury, healings, and friendship, not to mention methods we haven’t personally experienced.

We recommend that people choose disciplines to enjoy and practice on a regular basis, and judge them by an expanding sense of mercy in daily life. The more we hone our individual skills to recognize need and bring relief, the greater our power to cause mercy to regularly flow in our lives. We can practice mercy where we hold most influence: within ourselves, then among people at home, and then in work, social, and religious groups. In our experience, the more we practice, model and teach these habits, the greater capacity we have to bring about mercy for the larger good.

Discipline Gives Us Time to Pause and Reset

Mindful and somatic practices, with particular focus on understanding and engendering compassion, are those most likely to bear the fruits of mercy. As we feel better, we increase our personal capacities to do good for others. Our core practice provides an awareness of our inner reactivity. When we find ourselves indulging a nasty thought or unpleasant feeling, aching to swirl out of control, we have the skills to honor, heal, and resolve the underlying discomfort.

Give Time and Attention

When asked “What can we do?,” His Holiness the Dalai Lama often has recommended taking a walk with a neighbor. This seemingly trivial practice of human connection has powerful healing potential. There is no substitute for spending time and attention for the merciful resolution of human need.

Two vignettes illustrate this point:

Darryl Davis is a Black blues musician who connects with people around music. He is particularly good at reaching out to, and deeply changing, members of the white supremacist group, the Ku Klux Klan, or KKK. He respects their longing for belonging and offers them more merciful options for meeting these needs. His efforts have been effective. Klan members literally forsake their racist oaths and give up their robes – Davis has the world’s largest collection of KKK regalia.

Allison taught yoga to men in prisons who were sometimes three times her weight, with backgrounds so different from hers that a connection would have seemed unlikely. But her teachings, said her students, helped them maintain sanity under harsh physical and emotional conditions such as solitary confinement.

Practice Mercy Daily

Regular practice will build the skill and equanimity to act compassionately in the face of personal and community challenges.

• Start and end each day with a compassionate practice.
• Reflect upon, express, and reinforce kind actions.
• Notice where mercy is lacking, and apply compassion throughout the  day.
• Let love and gratitude be touchstones for our words and deeds.

Anchor a Sense of Mercy

A daily practice offers us an anchor – maybe a position of the eyes, hands, or way of breathing – that helps us remember how it feels to be calm. Remember the three virtues of understanding, forgiveness, and accountability to become present, and have the wherewithal to pause and choose our reactions. Remembering this pause at home and among co-workers and friends will encourage a good habit that becomes easier with practice. We’ll know if the anchor is working when, even at the start, we notice that friction has resolved, decisions are more easily made, and people walk away from a situation feeling satisfied.

Practice Anchors of Mercy

We all have habits of behavior that “pop up,” triggered without our conscious choice. It’s common to spot reactivity in others; but the power to change comes from recognizing our own reactions and stopping them, even as they are occurring. As soon as we catch ourselves reacting in an unpleasant and usually habitual way, whether by raising our voice, walking away, blaming ourselves or someone else, faking emotions or making excuses – wake up now and remember our own anchor.

Whether a phrase, such as “mercy now”; a concept, such as understanding; a feeling, such as compassion; a movement, such as a way of breathing; or a posture, such as lengthening one’s spine, we can train ourselves to attend to a presence of mind and calmness of spirit to act from understanding and compassion.

Practice Mercy at Home and among Friends

Home practice is among the most challenging of venues for calling on mercy; yet it is basic training because of the precious feedback we get from family. Practicing merciful sensibilities at homes instills confidence that we can also bring mercy to our friends, co-workers, and into community.

Some thoughts on how to nourish a merciful home:

• Attend to oneself and others by listening.
• Bring relief to others when possible.
• Share meals, outings, and heartfelt conversations.
• Pitch in with daily chores.
• Speak with appreciation for each other.
• Laugh together.

Steps for Mercy with a Loved One

• Reassure with love and flexibility.
• Speak with a tender tone, free of criticism.
• Listen and validate what we hear.
• Make any issue "our problem," rather than  somebody’s fault.
• Find agreement with welcome compromise.

Behaviors among family and our inner circles become healing when we give attention and time to each individual. We can listen for the tone in our voices. We can slow down to add grace to our movements, and consciously help each other navigate the logistics of day-to-day life.

Set Boundaries

Whether acting as individuals or in groups, we define behaviors that are and are not acceptable for ourselves and others. Mercy holds respect for similar and individualized boundaries; we may share the same needs, but not the strategies to fulfill them. Each one of us defines our own boundaries in different situations, and, with practice, our own ways to ensure that they are honored.

Respect Boundaries for Everyone

“As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.”

— The Desiderata

As we practice mercy with loved ones, we feel increasingly comfortable with setting boundaries – with our family members, friends, and communities.

Distinguish Threatening Words

To censor insulting words may feel like setting boundaries, but can be an alarming distraction from real harm being done. Rather than being insulted by words, we practice seeking the speaker’s emotion and underlying needs. Similarly, we can also understand and forgive people who themselves may be insulted by something we’ve said. When a spoken word, regardless of the intent of the speaker, incites anger, it is helpful for an ally to mediate the expression to mediate understanding and forgiveness. When language is threatening, we use minimal force to prevent action that exposes anyone to harm or physical and emotional insult.

Keep Boundaries Kind

When utterances of one person cross comfort lines of someone else, the methods described in Part III, to follow, are handy to reveal and process the underlying transgressions to quickly find a remedy. These structures create boundaries that help us avoid misunderstanding and insulting each other. They also help us take the time and attention for human needs. Remember, communication methods alone can turn into failed communication traps unless understanding is prioritized, compassion is sincerely felt, and actions truly reduce suffering.

Expand Our Scope of Merciful Practice

The skills of setting physical and emotional balance assist in the creation of merciful outcomes. Effective communication is typically the first action to take to evoke mercy in various situations. Efficacy of mercy depends primarily on the trust that is built on safe, transparent verbal expression and a shared goal of mutual satisfaction with the likelihood of needs being met.

Practice Kind and Effective Communication

• Take turns.
• Be curious and attentive to the speaker.
• Listen for main points and underlying messages.
• Allow time for emotions to catch up with new thoughts.
• Be aware of nonverbal communications.
• Give the same consideration to everyone, including ourselves.
• Honor any form of emotional response as a clue to valid pain.
• Tailor understanding, forgiveness, and amends to each situation.
• Conclude with an accountable plan that satisfies all involved.

Set the Stage for Mercy in Community

Community workers can set the stage to encourage merciful outcomes whenever people gather around an issue. Consider everyone’s needs, and choose methods appropriate to the situation. Some key aspects of setting the stage for mercy in community are outlined below:

• Safety is a basic need that those working in community are responsible to protect, both physically and emotionally, at least in terms of preventing harm. From a merciful perspective, emotional safety allows for relaxation, mutual connections, and a cushion of support assuring that care for our basic needs is, and will remain, in focus. Security personnel may be trained in nonviolent tactics and careful communication methods. Mercy, complete with a plan to do something tangible to heal or prevent injury, is an outcome of physical and emotional safety.
• Respect is the currency for merciful interactions. Each of us can mint our own respect by balancing humility with self-care, and so have plenty of capacity to dispense equal shares of regard for wrong-doers as we do for those injured. Stand up with those caught in shameful acts as we do for those abused. Include the entire community among those who “count” in merciful processes.
• Comfort is a primary goal in setting the stage for mercy. As facilitators are able, prepare emotional and physical surroundings for comfortable sound, lighting, and temperature. Welcome everyone with warm and open presence, and show them options for seating, viewing materials, and meeting people. Provide snacks, and note bathroom facilities. Match ice-breakers and music to the reason for convening. Be sure that housekeeping needs are identified and promptly handled.
• Inclusion is at the heart of mercy. Be sure that outreach has been broad, in that community members from all ideologies, colors, origins, and opinions are welcome. Honor the dignity of each member of what Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King called “our beloved community.” Keep group processes and roles transparent with an “all together now” momentum that has nothing to hide. Openly and critically discuss protocols to carry out strategies of action, and review potential effects on all parties. Merciful processes also extend through and beyond the conclusion of meeting needs. Give support to a variety of causes, even if they may not dovetail completely with our own.
• Expression is the voice of mercy. When we come together, let us talk, meet, and mingle. At the minimum, two minutes of sharing, most efficiently in pairs, is a wise investment, as members of the group transition to being present with each other. Chanting, clapping, singing, physical movement, humor, mingling, and worship meet various individual needs and consolidate the group. When open and expressive communication occurs, the comfort that results helps create a welcoming environment for mercy to appear.
• Support for human needs is the essence of mercy. Beyond concerns for safety, group process, and time considerations for arriving at a workable conclusion, merciful facilitation promotes connection and mutual success with inclusion of all who may be involved. Such facilitation includes:
  • Supporting participant needs for protection, convenience, wheelchair access, transportation, and child or elder care.
  • Having signers and translators available.
  • Attracting facilitators who are trained to handle individualized needs of community members and are genuinely present for all people.
  • Setting up systems for all kinds of connections, with various community members taking co-responsibility for loose ends until the conclusion of a get-together.
  • Establishing communication around events and issues that people care about to keep the momentum going with adequate support.

Share Responsibility with Accountability

Community workers model responsible behavior by being accountable to agreements, with responsibility for our own tasks and behaviors, including making amends for mistakes. We also encourage others to come together around shared problems, by demonstrating our own sense of shared responsibility. When we recognize injustice, we call upon the community to join together to resolve problems with justice and dignity.

Responsibility in merciful processes continues accountably until the problem at hand is resolved or resolving and needs are met for all as relevant. On a personal level, mercy is the understanding, forgiveness, and accountability that resolves individual and family or group pain. The process humanizes and connects people around wrongdoing to make it right, in ever greater spheres of influence – for ourselves, our people, and ever more people, as we expand our capacities. Merciful action in expanded communities blossoms when individuals take responsibility, together, for the effects of our behavior on future generations.

Respond to Violence with Mercy

Marshall Rosenberg, who developed a pivotal communication method, Nonviolent Communication (NVC), described below and in Part III, often said that tense and even harmful behaviors are “tragic expressions of unmet needs.” A merciful response when someone is threatening or attempting violence is a strategic decision to avoid accelerating violence. If you are a position to do so, train security personnel with nonviolent communication tools and gentle methods of physical restraint. Also when able, in the face of threat:

• Keep an arm’s length distance.
• Turn a bit to the side, to avoid appearing to “face-off.”
• Communicate clear goals in a way that is likely to seem fair and reasonable.
• Be attentive, without glaring.
• Move slowly, making no abrupt gestures.
• Speak gently.
• Say what you are going to do before doing it.
• Don't argue, or say anything critical or threatening.
• Uphold boundaries without blame; don’t say, for example, “This is disrupting the meeting” or “We don’t shout in here.”
• Try a variety of tactics; do something unexpected and creative to change the mood.
• Reassure the person who is engaging in destructive behavior that we want to understand their perspective and meet their needs.
• Become or recruit an ally to offer to support the person’s needs being met.
• Encourage the person to express themselves, following the methods below to show understanding.

Make Amends with Mercy

While forgiveness alone may calm our responses, merciful processes resolve past harm and set up structures for mutual safety in future interactions. Mercy for harm done unfolds uniquely in each situation, with some basic commonalities.

The first step is to recognize a harm, or even a verbal insensitivity in another – at home, in the workplace, or in community. Reframe the situation to meet the needs of all involved by putting basic human needs first. Follow a logical process to review all facts, assumptions, and beliefs from different perspectives, with equal respect for each person involved. Once the emotional and ideological influences on the process are respected and resolved, the logistics of accountably resolving the matter may be more efficiently handled with mutual satisfaction.

• Focus on what is most important to all involved; promote listening with  replay of main points.
• Define specific behaviors that caused harm, and their effects.
• Hold people responsible for their actions, feelings, thoughts, and boundaries.
• Include respect for the value of different kinds of needs, with equanimity  and fair regard for all.
• Use kind words, gestures, postures, a talking stick, and tools and processes such as those described in Part III.
• Allow expression of feelings and unmet needs, with clear boundaries.
• Take stock of existing and formative agreements and goals.
• Welcome requests for actions to satisfy needs.
• Ensure that everyone involved has spoken and feels heard.
• Brainstorm actions that resolve issues and prevent future harm.
• Let individuals volunteer to take specific rectifying actions.
• Establish trusted means of accountability and ongoing on- and off-line communication.
• Create doable agreements among those taking responsibility for immediate and future actions.
• Confirm ongoing support and involvement within broader communities.

Emulate Successful Community Models

Harm Reduction

From a medical or spiritual view, when harm falls on a member of community, the entire community is affected; and when communities respond to harm with mercy, the entire community benefits. Examples of shared responsibility in community, such as Ho’onoponopono and traditional tribal circles in North America, began with relatively small clans. We must evolve these systems to serve today’s larger communities.

We know that awareness and civil action can shift paradigms to improve public health and well-being, as with efforts to reduce smoking and littering, and to increase seat belt use, as well as with LGBTQ and women’s empowerment. A merciful community response for community health extends caring for even the most vulnerable or desperate individuals. A merciful drug policy, for example, lessens harm in intravenous drug addiction, as shown in the diagram below.

Restorative Circles

Restorative circles are another successful model of mercy in community. These circles support mutually respectful dialogue among the “three parties to a conflict” – those who have acted, those directly impacted by a focus, and the wider community. Participants invite each other and attend voluntarily. The dialogue process used is shared openly with all participants, and guided by a community member. The process ends when actions have been found that bring mutual benefit.

Since merciful systems are interwoven with accountability and responsibility, they bring out the best in people. Even those of us raised with “dog eat dog” attitudes often willingly, even gratefully, follow steps to do right for those we have hurt. The payoff is dignity, a clean slate, and the opportunity to make good on a past mistake. Individuals and the entire community are regenerated through merciful processes.

For more information on restorative justice and truth and reconciliation, see Chapter 28, Section 4 of the Community Tool Box, on Forgiveness and Reconciliation.

Positive Behavior

Kids who act out at school are doing the best they can to cope with huge stress. Positive behavioral methods that are not punitive and that keep kids in class have proved to create a safer environment at almost 30,000 schools in the U.S.. Rather than deny education to troubled children, the recipe is to keep teaching them and acknowledge their progress with positive feedback.

Workplace Cooperatives

Mercy at the workplace means some sort of cooperative, shared ownership experiment, as with Tucson’s local Food Conspiracy. Shoppers easily become members, so that “Do you carry tofu?” turns into “Did we get any fresh tofu today?” Workplaces, like all communities of people, co-create merciful solutions through the three virtues.

Mercy as a Way of Life: L’Arche​

In the community called L’Arche, in rural France, inhabitants take co-responsibility for errors that they, personally, didn’t create. To maintain discipline in the community without coercion, the Companions used the system of responsibility and co-responsibility.

“Responsibility” in this group means that we take responsibility for our own mis-deeds, whether anyone knows about them or not. If someone does notice our mistakes, and we don’t make amends ourselves, that’s when “co-responsibility” comes into play. The witness takes co-responsibility to approach us, the offenders, in private, and point out our faults. If we refuse to admit we did anything wrong and our accuser remains convinced, the accuser takes on the work we failed to do and makes amends, or otherwise volunteers to be the one accountable for wrong done. Generally, the offender then recognizes the fault and fulfills the promise of mercy.

Organize around Meeting Needs, Issues, and Methods

The merciful practices above, and the following structures below, help groups serve each other and others gracefully in their processes of organization and outreach as well as in deliberation, decision making, and follow-through.

• Hold house meetings to discuss urgent community issues and possible community projects.
• Form teams to process decisions and to inform others about them.
• Make participation inclusive.
• Set up communication structures and processes.
• Create support and discussion groups.
• Set up outings to support all kinds of people.
• Approach schools, theaters, art and dance studios.
• Write poetry and songs to comfort children and elders.
• Plan fun events with unusual coalitions.
• Offer to share communication methods with other groups; see Part III.
• Listen to lonely and marginalized people.
• Create pamphlets, songs, guerilla art, and street theatre.
• Make, sell, and wear T-shirts with merciful messaging.
• Offer Open Space events for community member to self-organize and   develop their own agendas.
• Join or start a group that practices nonviolent and emotionally supportive communication skills. Bring those skills to schools, workplaces, neighborhoods, public servants, and places of worship – and especially to those settings steeped in violent cultures.
• Encourage civic deliberations, assemblies, and discussion groups that reach out for diversity and inclusivity; support their action commitments.
• Break up large groups into smaller assemblies, in order to collect and include democratic input more efficiently,
• Organize issue-based community calendar initiatives, or start your own.

Part III: Merciful Communication Methods

“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right doing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there.”

— Rumi

The three virtues of mercy, described in Part I and elaborated within Part II, are here joined with methods that help transform these virtues into actions that solve problems. This last part of our mercy section is a sampler of ways that the authors of this paper have seen compassionate communication practiced in our own community, Tucson, Arizona. For example, our local Information Exchange fosters understanding, forgiveness, and accountable action, and gives a foothold for mercy to unfold.

Mercy may arrive without any communication technique or process; there is no prescription. The following techniques are rather offered here as guide rails when human interactions would otherwise go off track or crash. These specific structures have proven to be valuable to help open hearts and minds for people to feel comfortable to express, and process, what is important to be enacted upon by others. Follow the links below to learn more about these tools and connect with groups to practice kind communication together.

There are three steps in merciful communication, which reflect the virtues of understanding, forgiveness, and accountability:

1. Take turns speaking on one point at a time, and be precise with facts.
2. Feel the emotional repercussions of the harm done from different points of view.
3. Move from expression of regrets to agreements for making amends.

Traditional Council Practices

We are grateful for First Nations cultures who demonstrate the logistics of mercy. Great Plains and other traditional councils create and protect space for people to speak and listen. The structure is established on a foundation of honesty, connection, and respect. Traditional councils typical begin with invoking humble gratitude for the wisdom of those who have come before, frequently with the invocation, “all my relations.”

Circles

Sitting in a circle, with all at the same level and position, conveys mutuality and equality. Soft tones, slow tempos, pauses between speakers, and taking turns in circles extend a quality that is necessary to promote a depth of listening that is rare in today’s typical communications.

The Talking Stick

An iconic example of communication techniques is the talking stick, which is traditionally passed around a listening circle. Any object passed around the circle can become a talking stick. The talking stick has perhaps been the single most powerful communication device to call in mercy for broad range of purposes, such as to clarify agreements, settle disputes, or find solutions to a challenge.

Native American Council Practices

 The person with the talking stick talks; others listen.

• Speak to what serves the circle
• There is no need to speak at all.
• Practice freedom from judgment.
• What is said in the circle remains in the circle.

Any object passed around the circle can become a talking stick. The talking stick has perhaps been the single most powerful communication device to call in mercy for broad range of purposes, such as to clarify agreements, settle disputes, or find solutions to a challenge.

Adapted Circle Experiences

The circle concept has various contemporary expressions, lending themselves to different outcomes. When a circle includes the authenticity and agency of all participants, the power structure is considered horizontal, as opposed to hierarchical, top-down organization. Some people feel more trusting when there is no facilitator to run the group, no data are collected, and no pictures are taken, as in traditional circles.

Active Listening

In this method, both participants exchange messages and take turns, in the following sequence:

• A: Sends a concise message with one point, using “I” statements, not “ accusations” (An “I” statement reflects one’s own feelings, observations, or beliefs, and does not attempt to describe what another person is feeling, seeing, or believing.)
• B: Notices A’s changes in breathing to signify feelings. Responds to A’s intended meaning, despite A's tone and choice of words. Asks if that was the message.
• A: Answers “Yes”; or clarifies misunderstanding.
• B: Asks “Is there more?”
• Repeat as necessary.
• End with gratitude.

Nonviolent Communication (NVC)

This method goes beyond active listening, maintaining the above practice of using “I statements,” and with an added focus on emotional safety. When Marshall Rosenberg taught about nonviolent communication, he emphasized careful conveyance of feelings and needs for messages to be well received.

Feelings and needs are unquestionably the core motivators for each of us as individuals, in our homes and communities, and for all of us as humans. They are the main source of most conflict, and hold the greatest potential source of resolution due to their commonalities among all people – we all share the same basic feelings and needs.

The magic spice that Rosenberg adds to communication is sincere compassion. The recipe for nonviolent communication has four key elements:

1. Explain our own observations as specific facts.
2. Tell our feelings.
3. Share what needs are not being met.
4. Make clear requests.

A Clarification of Terms

“Non-violence” refers to the opposite of violence. “Non-violence” is a common term defined by the groups, projects, and systems who use it, often as part of their name. Each group may have its own definition of the term, so it is useful to think of them each as pursuing different disciplines that promote physical and emotional safety.

Gratitude to The Non-Violence Project for the use of their symbol, the knot-a-gun, which has been adopted by other nonviolence groups as a common symbol of the shared message. This international group empowers young people with tools and skills to solve conflicts peacefully with positive action.

Nonviolence Legacy Project

A tiny nonprofit in Tucson, the Culture of Peace Alliance (COPA), coordinates year-long programs to teach the history and vision of Kingian nonviolence to community members. It was inspired by Dr. Bernard Lafayette, a close colleague of Dr. Martin Luther King. This program is unique in empowering participants with ongoing leadership skills that engender peace and strength through emotional honesty about individual and cultural experiences. A fact-based analysis of history and current events, from a merciful perspective, renews faith that, as Dr. King encouraged, “the moral arc of the universe is long, but it bends toward justice.”

Catalytic Thinking

Catalytic thinking distills the process down to the question, “What is it about [point of discussion] that is so important to me?” Whatever answer arises, a new level may be explored for “What is it about the new [related point] that is so important to me?” The question “What is important to me about that?” prompts us to dig into circumstantial facts and emotions, helps us view our own thoughts from a logical perspective, and stimulates us to reconfigure thoughts and their related emotions.

Appreciative Inquiry

This process is an upbeat way to discover and co-create positive outcomes. The framework is to define a topic, and discover what about it “works.” This method can be used in pairs or groups; in either case. the speaker is urged by listeners to bring out the best about each topic.

In Appreciative Inquiry, we dream about what could be, design the ideal, and deliver actions that fulfill specific needs. We dig into issues and find solutions by responding to the question, “What is wonderful about that?” Of course, the negative aspects of the topic must first be processed more sensitively to avoid any disrespect for ongoing harms or hurt feelings.

Universal Shared Information: “Ushin”

 The ushin way of structuring communication helps people arrive at understanding from eight different angles. Eight shapes, illustrated below, represent eight basic categories of information: people, feelings, needs, facts, thoughts (such as analysis), actions, merits (which evaluate how well an action meets a stated need), and topics (any other related information to be discussed).

People can use these categories to clarify points in personal, group, and community settings.

An extension of NVC, ushin is helpful not just for pointed communication in the moment, but also for ongoing deliberation of complex issues with conflicting perspectives. For more information, visit ushin.net, which is also a resource for lists of feelings, needs, thoughts, and virtues, as well as for free and emergent offline and online tools to foster compassion.

Ben’s Bells

Turning to art to soothe the intense grief due to the sudden death of her nearly three-year-old son, Ben, Jeannette Mare found that painting and the clay in her hands were deeply healing, especially when shared with others. She launched an educational and arts project to help others, to recognize the positive impacts of intentional kindness, and to inspire people to practice kindness as a way of life. This technique is wonderful for schools and community events.

Tools to Ease Communication

Prompts such as NVC puppets, which Marshall Rosenberg is demonstrating in the photo, convey complex emotional perspectives. Any object can be a talking stick, even one’s finger.

Reminder cards for different communication methods, ushin charms, and lists of feelings and needs are helpful to keep focus, foster understanding, and expedite group deliberation. Physical aids, even the silent assistance of clay in our hands, are also handy for evoking kindly thinking, bringing us “up and out” after an emotional conversation, and for providing context and grounding for next merciful actions.

Co-Counseling, also known as Re-evaluation Counseling, is a method discovered to help people relieve emotional discharge. The process includes a set of skills that encourages people to express themselves in ways that release feelings and physical holding patterns. Experienced individuals teach new participants in an informal class, and pairs of co-counselors get together and share equal time to counsel each other using these tools. There is no analysis or side talk, and casual friendships, let alone love relationships, are discouraged in favor of the commitment to each other’s freedom to discharge difficult emotions and re-evaluate lessons for ourselves. This technique is useful for ongoing emotional healing for mental clarity.

Sacred Space is a secular and interfaith gathering in Tucson for personal and community growth. All are welcome to gather weekly for inspiration from the world’s wisdom traditions, varied local musicians and speakers, and community connection. Coupling contemplative wisdom with research-based practices, Sacred Space also offers small groups and classes, all with the aim of bringing together inner resources to drive social change.
The Sacred Space mission is to cultivate compassion and be a source of public renewal and contemplative practice, so that we can increase our capacity to work together toward collaborative solutions. Each week community members give each other time to listen, empathize, and learn from each other various ways to further peace and justice locally and globally. It is a model that can be replicated in any community.

Open Space and Other Self-Organizing Techniques

Some other communication tools that work well with complex problems in larger groups include Open Space technology, which lets agendas emerge as the “unconference” unfolds with unpredicted organization. People who come together to conceive of, plan, and build community projects can co-create their own processes. This inclusion from the beginning encourages participation, because both individuals and groups see that they are integral to the process unfolding, rather than being tagalongs who submit to a pre-set structure.

There are other similar tools, ranging from World Café approaches in church basements to Spokescouncils on the street. No matter how structured, group processes run more smoothly when infrastructure is handled in advance. Groups may save time initially by choosing a methodology in advance, considering the urgency of the issue, size of the group, and infrastructures available. Self-organization methods are independent of content; however, they can greatly affect participation and outcomes. For example, consensus requires long meetings, which often exclude people with outside responsibilities such as jobs and children.

These technologies are appropriate for groups coming together to organize themselves around issues to develop their own agendas, processes, and strategies. Huge efforts such as time-banking, cooperative businesses, and collaborative efforts around community issues have shown that decisions and actions on a community level can unfold successfully without set leadership, direction, or even any methodology established in advance.

Challenges to Mercy

As community workers, we frequently grapple with doubts, confusions, and frustrations; we struggle with doubts about current systems that deflect, defuse, or decline our best efforts and brightest ideas. When our expectations and hopes for mercy go unmet, even the hardest working among us can fall into despair. Many of us take defeat personally, which can show up as bickering with loved ones, doing less work on the job, or not wanting to go to work at all.

Instead, the authors encourage readers who feel a lack of mercy in life to follow the above suggestions and connect with others involved in groups similar to those listed above, or who otherwise practice compassion in community.

Conclusion

We all have growing capacities for mercy and plenty of reasons to start – wherever we are – practicing mercy and its three virtues of understanding, forgiveness, and accountability. As we practice mercy, it becomes more natural to us. As we share mercy, we empower each other. And as we take our heartfelt virtues from the center of our lives into our communities, mercy will seep into our collective consciousness.

We believe that all of us who can should teach and practice mercy. We believe this is not only possible, but necessary for our survival. Just as naturalized flower bulbs return year after year to propagate beauty, our compassionate actions will spread mercy throughout the world.

 

Contributors

Paula Maas

Teresa Cowan Jones

Editor

Bill Berkowitz

Paula Maas, D.O., is a wife, mother, and physician who founded and directs the nonprofit, Universal Shared Information, Inc., and is a founding member of the Conversation Coalition; both groups are dedicated to online and offline communication related to this chapter topic. She has authored two medical self-help books, served as Chair of the Primary Care Department at Touro University College of Osteopathic Medicine, in San Francisco and Vallejo, California, and previously directed a holistic medical practice in Tucson, Arizona.

Teresa Cowan Jones, M.Div., is an ordained minister who serves as Executive Director of the Breakthrough Leadership Institute, a transformational leadership and community development initiative. She directs Sacred Space, a local secular and interfaith project for consciousness development. She is also an executive and personal coach, Founder/Director of The Compassion Coalition, a fellow in the Public Voices Fellowship, and a faculty member of the Charter for Compassion’s Compassion Education Institute, and of the Center for Progressive Leadership.